Discovered my wife was having an emotional affair about
a year ago, confronted her about it and she asked for
a divorce. By the time I found out, she had already
divided up the furniture, calculated the child support and
was looking for a place to live. She refused to consider
a legal separation, counselling, or any talk of working it
out. We started working on the divorce and separation
and finally got her set up in her own place about 5 months
ago. Until she moved out, I read every book I could get
my hands on and tried everything imaginable to get her to
change her mind, even talked her into going on a
non-romantic weekend getaway, but even during the getaway
she would call/text her "friend" when she didn't think
I would notice. The day she moved out, I accepted the
divorce, started telling friends and relatives and started
trying to move on with my life. As I started telling
people about our pending divorce, I consistently got the
same response of "we thought she was controlling and mean
to you". I never thought much about it while we were
married, but I do remember many times thinking that it
was borderline verbal abuse but just shrugged it off at the
time. About a month after she moved out, I met someone
else who shared most of the same hobbies/interests/qualities
as my ex but who was the complete opposite of controlling
and very passive. We have now been friends for several
months, seeing and talking with each other almost every day.
About a month before our divorce was final, my ex broke up
with her "friend" and then a week before our divorce asked
me if I wanted to postpone the divorce or maybe get legally
separated instead. I told her (honestly) that at this point
it would be easier to get remarried than to postpone the
divorce. We are now legally divorced and my ex is now
wanting to work on our relationship while I don't think I
want to. At this point, I have spent over 4 months trying
to get over her and 2 months seeing someone else who I
feel is alot more compatible with me and much easier to
get along with. Now that I am legally divorced, I would
like to officially start dating this other girl but
because my ex and I have several small children together,
a small part of me feels like I should try to work things out.
If I thought we could work things out, I might be willing
to give it a try for the kids, but I really don't give it
a high probability of success as I am no longer willing to
put up with her controlling nature, so I feel that trying
would just end up putting my kids, my new friend, me, and
my ex thru alot of unnecessary heartache. My ex and I are
still friends and still care about each other, we just
constantly bicker about trivial issues and have since before
we were even married.

Any advice? Besides the obvious of "Don't start
meeting new people until you're officially divorced"
It's a little late for that. :-(

If the new chick is hotter than your ex-wife, make sure you flaunt her in front of the XW and mention the new woman has no flaws.

Make sure you just go on and on about how the divorce was the best thing that has ever happened to you.

The reality is that in most cases, the new "much easier to get along with and way more compatible" chick is neither; she's just a rebound to help you through a difficult time. Most of us have been there done that.

Nonetheless, you have every right to not go back to the ex who cheated on you and abused you.

I'd suggest though that you spend some time on your own before seriously dating or becoming involved in relationships. Heal from the divorce first.

AGG

Seriously? Did you see the part about us still being
friends and more importantly the part about us having
children? Despite what other people may think, I think
having a good relationship with your ex is vital to the
well being of your children.

You know, if the woman is what she appears to be, hopefully you will continue working on healing old wounds with her and know that sometimes for the kids sake, it's best to let "sleeping dogs lie".

So often, I hear "We are getting back together for the kids sake." The kids had to adjust just like you did. I recently heard someone say, "After my divorce we tried several times to get back together for the kids sake..." OH man! What about the hope the kids have each time and that hope crashing back down. If you both loved each other and were compatible and she just had a one time crazy spell, I could see it, but if you are not even compatible and she has a controlling personality and abusive...then what are you doing?

Also AGG is right about spending alone time before any relationship. It clouds your thinking. So if you and the other lady don't work out, I hope you spent a year or so alone to reflect back and to look forward to what is really right for you and your kids, the things you discover may just amaze you.

Usually you give it a healing and discovery period in between people, a time to get to know yourself and work on becoming all that you can be. If you are already seeing someone, why would you yank them around to re-ingest your vomit (ex)? It didn't work, what makes you think it'd be any different this time? It sounds like she doesn't want to be on her own because she wasn't willing to try and work on your marriage while she still had OM in her life. Tell her to work on herself for a year and you'll think about it.

RM, have oyu read the When To Call It Quits newsletter, in the Newsletter forum? What would you think about cooling it off with this new lady and work with your x and the Harleys from two houses, to make the changes and get consistent with them before moving back together? If it's not going to work, it would be pretty obvious pretty soon. Then you minimize the impact on the kids if you try and it doesn't work out, and best case, you could give your kids an intact family. She may be willing to do the work to change the controlling behaviors for you, and the kids would benefit from her efforts, even if you find later that you can't forgive her and this isn't for you. I don't think the new lady would be too heartbroken after only dating two months, and she knew this was possible.

NewEveryDay,

Thanks. I tried Plan A for over 6 months and then moved on to
Plan B where we were separated for 4 months.
My family thinks the only reason she has come around is because
she found out I was seeing someone else. Personally, I think
the reason she finally came around is because she got lonely
when she no longer had the other person anymore. Also, I
think this article about approach/avoidance:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035b_qa.html
describes what is going on perfectly and unfortunately,
I don't see any real change in my repelling qualities or
her repelling qualities and I'm not even sure it's possible
to change them as they are a core part of our personalities.

It sounds like you already know the answer to your own question/situation.

I recommend getting to know yourself well enough to truly trust yourself and your own judgment regarding the relationship with the ex. I totally empathize with the desire to get along with the ex for the kids' sakes. Also, I empathize with children who have to stand around watching their parents go back and forth in and out of a relationship with one another. If you consider being with your ex, I agree with the others, let her prove she's different over the next year and the children should not know anything about any of it till you're totally sure.

As far as the other lady, well, I don't know how you really feel about this lady or how she feels about you. I guess you're the only one who knows if it's right to be with her.

Personally, I enjoyed a two year break from dating anyone after my divorce. Then I dated some and now I'm back on my own and happy about it. My ex wants me back too. And it was soon after he learned I was dating in general.

I also don't know what to do about it...so I'm doing nothing about it. I figure I'll let him thrash around about it. I'm gonna live my life and continue to provide stability to my kids. All that is truly important is the children and my job which supports us. That's it. Lovers will come and go.

If your ex changes, it should be pretty clear over the next year or so...