My wife and I have been married ten years. It has been an up and down marriage in which we never worked on bonding together at all. We have a three year old son together and she has been an amazing mother. However I have jsut recovered from almost 4 years of clinical depression and was very absent emotionally especially during the frist couple years of the babies life.I felt very distant from her for the first few years of our marriage but since the birth of our son and her helping me with my depression I have fallen in love with her all over again. She is very resentful that I did not support her during those times.
Three months ago we moved into a new neighborhood, into a great house that we both love. One day she comes home and says guess who I met who lives close to us, my ex-boyfriend from right before we were married, do you want to go out for coffeee with him and h wife and kids? I say sorry that make s me uncomfortable. Obviously I can't stop you from going and seeing him but I said be careful if he starts asking you questions about your marriage etc as I dont see the need for two married people to have cofffee together without their spouses. She says oh Im so surprised to hear you say that. Over the next few weeks she tells me she is going for coffee with him a few time. I have a bad feeling in my gut but have always trusted her.
Then three weeks ago out of the blue she says I want to start being more honest about things with you. SHe is unhappy and at the end of her rope in the marriage. No she does not want to go to counselling, she is tired of working on this marriage. I can change I said, but she says no it's too late I dont need you to do anything for me anymore. She also told her mom aout all the problems in our marriage and we both asked her is ther esomeone else, she of course said no.straight to our face. To get to the point I gathered enough evidenec to prove she was having a sexual affair probably over the course of 3 onths.. Last night I coudnt take it anymore and grabbed her cellphone and drove away without saying anything. She called mya 100 times bt I didnt answer. I staye at a friends house and the next mrning I called her mom and said your daugher is having a sexual affair please ask her to leave outr house. Her mom goes over there, next thing I know my wife calls me and says she has broken off the affair and she is very ssorry can I please come home. I sadi I still am willing to work on the marriage but I need another night out of the house. She seemed very remorseful, said she would give me the passwords to all her phone and email and such.
Now I am not sure where to go from here. This seems very very important that I do the right thing. In Dr. Harleys writings he says trying to fill her emotional needs while she is going through her lover withdrawal will be of no use until she is over it, then we can start to work on the marriage. Please someone answer this question, what do I do during the time she is in withdrawal? Try to fill her needs, be a good husband, give her space, give her MB material to read? I dont want this to be a wasted opportunity to save the marraiage by not doing anything while she is going through withdrwawals but as Dr. H says, any attempts on my part during that time will not register at all with her. What do do now?

As dr Harley says, there is only narrow path that leads to recovery. Basically, it boils down to following steps (pay attention to the sequence!)

1. Ending the affair
2. Ensuring No Contact (for life)
3. Overcoming withdrawal
4. Recovery

You are somewhere in step 1. To ensure the ending, exposure must be completed - first of all, OMW should be informed. This is an absolute must.

The affair should end with NC letter and you will approve it before sending. No steamy "goodbye" or "final closure" meetings. You should be very clear about not accepting that.

For recovery, NC should be maintained and this means that you should move away (of course when OM family won't move first). This is not easy step (selling the house you both love) but without it, possibility of contact remains and resuming the affair is certain.

So, you are wondering what to do in step 3 but you have not gone through first steps yet. Please consider that.

Your WW must not contact the OM ever again. Remove all traces of him including facebook email phone numbers and any other way he might be able to contact her. I know you just moved in, but it looks like it is time to sell the house and move to a new area, across town even.

Expose the affair to everyone who has influence over your WW and the OM. If the OM is married tell his wife. Let the people know in a professional non libel manner what has happened and that you have evidence on request. Make it large and nuclear to ensure that the affair is definatley over.

Do yourself a favor and take some Anti-Depressants. I suffer from depression every once in a blue moon, its not clinical, but my FWW affair really brought it out of me. I can cognitivley take myself out of depression by doing a little meditation and affermation.

Read Read Read all the articles and books. Learn the basics of MB (Love Banks, Love Busts, Emotional Needs, Undivided Attention, POJA, PORH, etc.) These are the basics of building a great marriage, and you can work on those yourself right now.

1. YOU contact the OM's wife. Tell her about the affair, and offer to show her any proof you might have. Also, tell her that your wife has confessed to the affair, that it IS sexual, and that her husband is likely to deny it. Tell her that a letter is coming from your wife to confirm this has happened.

2. Tell your wife that you want her to write two letters. First, you want a letter of NO CONTACT written to the OM, that clearly states that the affair is over, that it was wrong, and that there is to be no contact of any kind, in any form, between the two of them ever for the rest of their lives. The second letter is a copy of the NC letter, along with a letter of sincere apology to the OM's wife, which confesses the affair: including the length/timeframe of the affair, that the affair was sexual in nature, and that it was wrong and that your wife will never interfere in their marriage again. Your wife should NOT SAY THAT SHE LOVED THIS MAN IN EITHER LETTER - PERIOD. No excuses for her behavior should be offered, either, just apologies and no contact for life.

3. Read this website regarding Emotional Needs. You need to understand these, and your wife should be introduced to these concepts. Ask her to fill out an Emotional Needs Questionnaire, and you should also do one.

when the two of you are ready, you should have SHORT discussions about your marriage overall, and the state of your marriage before the affair. Talk about the EN's at that particular time, and how they were or were not being met BY BOTH OF YOU for THE OTHER. Don't argue, just talk to understand one another's needs, and what was happening then......and what you two might do better NOW.


4. Look at yourself, and her EN's. Look at what you do daily to meet them, and work daily to meet at least one daily.

5. Look at the Policy of Joint Agreement, and Radical Honesty as well. Start using them.

6. Although you will be angry, moody, sad, and all the rest, work hard to avoid venting these to your wife. Come here to vent. For now, present a good face to her.

7. Believe only what you can see in her behavior. At this point, it is often the case that affair partners pretend to stop the affair, only to go further underground. Watch her behavior - that it matches her words. Verify her movements, verify her words, verify verify verify.

8. Read about Plan A. Put it into action.

9. Do not be afraid to be a man. It is all to often that a man becomes afraid to act strong, and fight for his marriage. The fact is that when he doesn't fight for the marriage...the woman interprets this as his not wanting her anyway....that he doesn't even care enough to fight....when the truth is that he is paralyzed with fear of driving her away. Do not make this mistake. Fight for your marriage, and TELL HER THAT YOU INTEND TO FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

What this means is that you MUST TALK about your feelings with your wife. Yes, I know this is hard for many men to do, but if there is any time in your life that you need to be a talker, it is now.

The advice here is great. From experience I can tell you it is spot on. My marriage survived more than just an affair. Much more. And mine is in its third strong year of recovery. Yours can recover too

Cheaters are generally narcissists. That is not a scientific fact, it is just a fact. I don't care if people here disagree with me. Anyone who thinks they have a RIGHT to cheat on their spouse is pride drunk and in need of serious humility. Humble, grateful, sensitive, conscientious people simply don't cheat. Sorry it just is what it is

SO, my point here is that it's important for your wife to recognize that she has a serious PROBLEM, and is in need of repair. I don't care how much of Harley's stuff you do together or what you achieve together, if she doesn't fix that character flaw, she will cheat again.. or do something else dishonest. I know all this because my wife cheated, and multiple people I have ministered to also have faced cheaters. The story is always the same.

There are no excuses. None are good enough. Nothing you did precipitated or engendered her actions. SHE is at fault. You are a RIGHTEOUS man for your honesty and don't EVER let that get lost in any of this.

Finally, most importantly, I highly urge you to go to church with your wife and both submit your lives to God, and in the process allow Him to govern your marriage. My wife and I have been married 20 years and 17 of those were without God as our leader and all 17 years were fails. Only the 3 we have had with God as our leader have succeeded.

Please find a church you are both comfortable with and start giving praise, gratitude, and service for the one who made you.

Blessings,

Minister on a mission from God

My wife is currently going through serious withdrawal. Very sad and moody. She promised to not contact the OM and based on all my info she is making an honest effort at doing that. I will be continuing to monitor however, as much as my stomach churns at looking at my sources to see if she is telling the truth or not.
So far I have only exposed to my wife's mother but tat had a very powerful effect on my wife as her mother was furious with the lies and said she would never support my wife in anything to do with the affair. I love her Mom, we are very close and if this marriage is going to survive she is going to be the biggest influence on my wife through the process. So right now I am looking like the "good guy" because I've admitted all my faults in the marriage to everyone and said I am here to work on everything. One question: the MB material really helped me come to terms with the infidelity in a non-judgemtnal way and also help[ed me see a road map out of it. Because my wifes Mom is so strongly on my side should I give her some of the MB infidelity material or will me doing that run the risk of seeming like I am judging or attacking her daughter (which she is be very sensitive to, naturally)? I NEED her mom on my side if this is going to work.
So now it has been a couple days, I am struggling with exposing to the OMW. I really feel she deserves to know and I suspect the OM will be furious and angry which will only make him look bad to my wife while I continue to be nice and caring to my wife. However, my wife seems to be making an honest effort in looking at some MB stuff and actually not talking to the OM (even though it has only been two days). WIll I ruin this goodwill if I expose to OMW? I have a counselling apt in 1 week in which I plan to talk about the exposure strategy with my counsellor. Is waiting a week to think about it too long to wait to expose or should I do it as soon as possible?
Finally there is one HUGE problem which I don't know how to approach and that is that i now realize my wife's best friend and cousin (same person) is absolutely against us being married and is supporting her in every way in this affair. This absolutely infuriates me because I think she really influences my wife's thoughts. Problem is the only way I know this info is through somewhat shady means which will look very bad on me if I reveal how I know. But I feel it is CRUCIAL to the survival of the marriage to have this horrible person stop negatively influencing my wife and encouraging the affair. I want to tell my wifes mom about this situation because she would be furious too, but how can I reveal without totally losing my credibility? Please give me your best suggestions!
PS I am planning to expose to my parents as well although they don't have much influence in my wife's life. They live overseas and only visit twice a year. Should I even bother?

You have to expose OMW asap. You won't get any other advice from this forum. And people here have first hand experience, which your counsellor does not have. The is no special "strategy" with exposure, it just has to be done and it has to be done without warning and with one whole swoop.

Yes, OMW deserves to know. The only thing exposure ruins is resuming of the affair.

Yes, your WW will be angry. Your marriage will survive anger but not the affair.

Strangedays, my situation was somewhat similar to yours. My W promised to end the affair. I didn't expose to OMW (got bad advice and didn't know about MB then) and I didn't require full transparency because I was scared to make my WW mad...

I think you can already imagine what happend next.

Affair resumed quickly. They communicated (and met) secretly and planned to meet again. But thanks to a keylogger I was able to discover their plans. Exposed to OMW and the rest is history.

About enabling friend - have you talked with her directly? You don't have to (and you shouldn't!) reveal your sources. Just let her calmly know that her interfering with your marriage is not acceptable and you will do everything to make it stop.

Of course the first question from her will be about your sources but don't even bother to answer that. Just say you know and that's it. Be strong.

I think you can speak about that with your MIL too but first contact should be with this "friend" directly.

I am blown away right now, although after reading so many of these posts maybe I shouldn't be.

D-day for my wife was 3 days ago. She seemed remorseful. She seemed willing to give it a try, give me all her passwords etc. Very pleasant to be around. And here I am thinking OK no problem Plan A until the cows come home, a little MB when she is through withdrawal and we are on our way home to a stronger marriage!

Game changer: I exposed to the OMW. She was VERY willing to talk to me. She said she had already confronted him about the 150-200 texts a day he was receiving from her. He gave her some excuse which she bought because she coudnt see the content of the texts. I confirmed to her the texts were very sexual and that her husband and my wife had had sex.

Then she tells me: THREE WEEKS AGO HE FILED FOR SEPARATION FROM HER AND HIS TWO KIDS. Oh boy not good news. Now he is a free agent and going to be pursuing my wife like crazy. The OMW was so relieved actually to hear me explain the affair because the OM was telling her nothing just saying he wanted out for personal reasons. They had planned to have a very amicable divorce and so on but now she says that is not going to happen.

She also confirmed to me they had texted each other TODAY, and I checked my KeyLog and they had talked TODAY while I was in the house! She told him she is so unhappy here, she is only going to go to counselling because her mom won't support her (inevitable) decision to leave unless she gives counselling a "fair try". So I guess her iron clad promise of no contact is meaningless.

Oh crap I'm so angry. I asked her when she got home: Has it been hard not talking to OM (knowing she had)? She got all offended "I promised I wouldn't didn't I?" I told her I was going through a living hell and that it would make me feel much more secure if she would write the OM a no contact letter. "I don't see any point in doing that" she says.

Christ, what now? I'm going to start much more exposure. But is Plan A even an option anymore? I don't know if I have the strength to be lovey-dovey with this lying sack of sh*t for months!! Please give advice!! How do I proceed? Really need some support right now!

I am bumping my own thread as I really need some help with this latest development. I am in distress, please help!

SD:

Your doing well for three days out.

Yes, you wife is a lying sack of stuff.

She will continue to contact the OM, as long as she thinks she can get away with it.

Its a great big "SO WHAT" to his filing for seperation. Many waywards do this, and then nothing else happens for a long time. It does, however, give them a "release" from the marriage, because "Look, I filed something!, I am FREE!"

Personally, You need to call the OM up and have a chat with him.

Ask him what his intentions are with YOUR wife. Ask him how he is going to afford paying for his wife, his two kids, and YOUR Wife. Ask him if he has ever heard of an "Alienation of Affection" lawsuit? Let him know that this isn't some "side action" for him, this YOUR WIFE he is messing with....

You DO NOT have to let him prattle on. It works really great if you can call him from your wifes cell phone.... He WILL answer then.

Since you called the OMW, you haven't seen the fall out of that yet, have you? Just wait. It should be interesting..... And helpful to your cause.

Every wayward thinks that the Plan D will be friendly, and we will just blend all the families together and sing "Kumbaya" around the big community campfire... You just blew that one up.

OM is running scared right now. Disrupt his Saturday morning.

You need to PLAN A your WW right now. Give it 6 to 8 weeks. Sure, she is lying sack of crap right now, but she is also looking for someone to save her. And if you play the role of hero for the next 6-8 weeks, with a great Plan A, then you give yourself the best shot of recovering your M. If you treat her like a piece of crap, there is another guy just waiting to commisserate with her and help her to feel better.

Its a tough thing to do right now, but its what you need to do.

You can also just kick her butt to the curb, and end your marriage NOW. That's cool also, but this is "Marriage Builders" and we like to help you fight for your marriage, till either you give up hope, or she just isn't worth it....

Sorry you have to be here.

LG

Thanks so much for the reply. Everyone on here is such a lifesaver...You are right that the fallout from exposing to OMW has not happened yet. I wait with great anticipation for that. I am planning much more exposure to her siblings, all of her FB contacts, and even possibly all her relatives with one big chain letter. Recommended by you guys?
As far as contacting the OM, I've seen mixed messages on here about the benefit of that. In his eyes, my wife has painted me as such a loser that he will probably not take anything I say seriously. Should I phone him and what should I say to him? I live in Canada and dont have lots of funds so threats of lawsuits I think would be hollow threats. Please can everyone p[ut in their two cents on contacting the OM?
I am going to stay strong and continue with Plan A.

Here is a classic MB post that might help you:


"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tell her the truth, that you KNOW she is still in contact w/ OM. Tell her that a NC letter is not optional.

Then call her mother and tell her that her daughter is still in contact w/ OM. Ask her for her help. And then expose their affair to everyone else. Including everyone you can find on his side.

*LINK* carrot/stick

Plan A (a GOOD one) requires a ton of SELF CONTROL .... it is very strategic.
There ARE times during Plan A that it becomes necessary for you to fly by the seat of your pants, BUT, you do this only when necessary.

THINK - PLAN - DO - EVALUATE and RE-THINK - REVISE PLAN

Contacting OM is an option.
Can you do this with SELF CONTROL?

Force is the control of the balance of power, in accordance with advantages.

In Plan A ... the BS restores their power to affect change. Plan A gives the BS an advantage with their intimate knowledge of their spouse's ENs.

Warfare is the Way of deception.

Deception meaning .... showing more strength than you might possess at that given time ! Hiding your weaknesses. Plan A ... not begging, crying, pleading ... standing tall and presenting a self ready to battle & fight for the marriage.

Therefore, if able, appear unable,

Plan A ... let your WS provide you with things that save your energy for future need.

if active, appear not active,

When snooping about like a squirrel searching for seeds of the affair, appear calm & serene ... Plan A snooping is done quietly & without announcing >>> "Ah-Ha ... Look what I found !". Be stealth.

if near, appear far,

Plan A ... keep your WS guessing where you are.

if far, appear near.

What seems just out of reach is sometimes more attractive. What seems a sure thing, is taken for granted.

If they have advantage, entice them;

Offer the WS goodies ... as in meet their ENs.

if they are confused, take them,

Plan A is confusing to the WS. They would prefer the BS appear ugly & unattractive in order to justify their cheating. It is confusing for the WS to see an attractive BS.

if they are substantial, prepare for them,

Plan A ... get all your ducks lined up. Legal preparations. Financial preparations. Spiritual preparations. Etc.

if they are strong, avoid them,

Plan A is not plan doormat. They can wipe their feet elsewhere, but not on your back. Accepting abuse is not an attractive trait.

if they are angry, disturb them,

LOL .... this is precicely Orchid's "reverse babble" .... The WS speaks with foggy tongue, disturb them with O's reverse babble.

if they are humble, make them haughty,

If the WS is over-confident, they become sloppy & make errors.

if they are relaxed, toil them,

Keeping an affair going is exhausting to the WS. It's like a juggling act. Throw the WS another ball to keep in the air. The affair will fall when the juggler becomes exhausted by the added effort.

if they are united, separate them.

Do not become the fool that encourages both the WS and the OP to join forces. If you act insane during Plan A, they have a common enemy to fight ~~~> YOU !

Attack where they are not prepared, go out to where they do not expect.

Do the UNexpected in Plan A. Keep the WS guessing & wondering.

This specialized warfare leads to victory, and may not be transmitted beforehand.

Do not give away your plans.... do not show the WS your books. Do not invite the WS to this site. Stealth.

Before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will win, because many calculations were made

Plan ... you must have a Plan or you will suffer & be defeated.

before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will not win, because few calculations were made

Don't waste time flailing about .... get organized & recruit helpers.

many calculations, victory, few calculations, no victory, then how much less so when no calculations

Do not proceed by your feelings alone. Develop your plan.

By means of these, I can observe them, beholding victory or defeat!

The BS who refuse to develop & follow a plan, are most likely to fail.

Here's a Do's and Don't list that Mr. W brought here:

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP