Looking at the bright side, Plan B didn't happen while you were pregnant. Focus on your kids - they are more important. Focus on yourself and healing. Think about things that you do want in a marriage (not on the lack of things that was in your relationship with your husband) Try not to think about this alien who has taken over your husband. Pray for clarity and strength and remember - this too shall pass.

When you talk to your friends, family - don't make it about him. Less you focus on him the better because ultimately you can't control his actions. Plan B is about you. You are going great. Keep it up with the Plan B

NewPetals,

It sounds like your Plan B is successful in terms of cutting off contact with WH. But what about your physical health? Do you exercise regulary? Have a way to release the endorphins?

I have found that running regularly does wonders. I don't even like running; I prefer playing team sports. But running clears my head, puts my problems into perspective, and makes me feel good physically afterward. Last week, I ran 20 miles, the most I've run since high school.

If you don't run, I would recommend a vigorous activity you enjoy (and not you know what).

----------------------------------------

Me: BH, 39 (and no longer jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

NP's,

It does get worse before it gets better; then there are days where you think it is going OK. Before you turn around there is a trigger that sends you spiraling. Its all normal, this is a process, you will grieve, you will cry, you will be ecstatic over small victories, and then the tears will come again.

Definitely take MJ's advice and engage in something vigorous, exercise has been my savior; so has meditation. Just remember to take care of you and your children. You are removed from the drama, just think of how much better that feels.

Try to continually look for a better feeling thought, appreciate the good things, no matter how small.

And sometimes it just helps to know that you are not alone.

We are here for you and will listen. You are doing this, and you will be OK.

I wish you didn't have to experience this, I wish I didn't have to experience this; I wish that the person that I fell in love with and married had not left and brought in this alien who thought that this cruelty was ever OK.

But wishing unfortunately doesn't make it go away and stops you from making a plan, protecting yourself and your children, and then sticking to it to minimize the damage to yourself.

So, take a deep breathe.....then continue with Plan B.


Hugs and Prayers

Hey NP!

I'm still here and following along. You have alot of great support here on your thread. You are demonstrating an amazing inner strength right now by moving forward for your children while you are in extreme emotional pain. That is the tell-tale sign of an amazing young woman. Continue to fuel your determination from that inner strength...that strength that comes from being a mother. Your children and very lucky to have you.

Things will get better. I promise.

Thanks for the support everyone.

On Monday, the day I knew he was for sure out of the city, I got my butt over to the gym and renewed my membership so I would stop thinking about it. I went Tuesday and today and my body feels great. There's a daycare at the gym too, so I can grab a couple hours of peace to myself. It feels good to have that energy release. I am trying to make it a habit as well to just sit in the steam room after the workout(it's always empty) for about 10 mins and just meditate.

It helps a bit. What I find the hardest is that I find my temper is just on edge with my 3 yr old, who's being a typical toddler and testing her limits at every turn. That makes me feel even worse becuase the last couple weeks have devolved into her being extremely difficult, me getting mad and yelling, and her screaming back at me. It makes me feel like a horrible parent. So today I finally vowed to start keeping my temper with her, being more patient, and finding new ways to handle her other than yelling. I can't take my emotions out on her. I tried really hard today and it was a good day with her. It wasn't perfect, but I need to turn our relationship around before it gets completely out of control. I think she's missing her dad a lot too, and that makes her behaviour worse. Darn WH.

Started watching the news again, actually reading the paper instead of just doing the crosswords, just taking an interest in the world around me again. Since I found out about the A I put all my energy into that. It feels good to be seeing the rest of the world again.

Had a friend over all day on Tuesday, and Went over to my mom's yesterday. She said she was shocked at how much weight I lost in the last month (about 12 lbs, I weigh less now than I did before I got pregnant). I was almost proud, and then I figured it was probably stress and depression that made the weight come off, so it's not the best.

It's still so hard and I cried a lot today. But I'm trying to focus more on me and the kids instead of how angry and hurt I am at what he's done. It still slips in there though.

DD starts preschool in a couple weeks. Can't believe how fast time flies! I look at her little face and I'm so proud of how outgoing and precocious and clever and WISE she is....and it makes me sad because WH is missing it all. His loss, but my heart hurts for her.

All in all.....it hurts worse than hell but there are small glimpses of light that give me hope and the strength to keep going. And I pray more now than I have in years. I even found the strength to pray for OW last night, because any 40 yr old woman that leaves her family for a 28 yr old and can not feel bad about destroying two families clearly has her own problems that she needs God for, even if she doesn't believe in Him. I can't forgive her yet though....

EDIT: Last night, LATE at night, I saw a commercial that started out, "Ever wish you had sonic hearing? Now you can!" and was actually tempted to buy the stupid gimmicky ear piece device. You know you've had too many sleepless nights when...

Im so glad you are getting back some good habits and healthy ones. The emotional rollercoaster is normal and things will get better NP.

Terrible twos huh? My GD is going thru those. I'm sure you will figure out what to do, and you already are removing your emotional pain from the reaction equation. Its a trying time regaurdless.

Just hang in there. I know everybody says the same thing but its true. In time it will get better for you.

Just wanted to give you some words of encouragement.

oh yeah , the infomercials are just wonderful good company late at night lol.

NP - one thing I have followed in raising my son is comprised with this contrast: you can parent with love or parent by tyranny.

I simply would ask my son, "Do you love Mommy?" Even when he was angry, or in a tantrum, I'd look him in the face at his eye-level and hold his hands if I had to and the louder he got, I'd get softer and more deliberate: "Do you love Mommy?"

I started this when he was about two - learning about Jesus in Church and even before then I'd sing a lullaby "I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus". So he had a lot of reference for doing what I asked because he loved me.

It would calm him down and help him respond more appropriately.

I did a lot of things to help him be able to articulate his feelings, validate him, give him choices. But the choice was always to love me or defy me. He came to know that he wasn't loving me if he made the other choice.

Try it on your daughter and see what happens.

Yeah Kayla, I like the love way of getting kids to obey me. I think of why we trust God, "Because he first loved us"

NP; You sound like you are headed on a great PR track. I am so hoppy that you have found a positive outlet for the stress and energy.

excellent.

WH is over visiting the kids right now. I'm out at a park we used to come to all the time in uni. I know this weekend when he's been home he has been staying with OW. I don't think I can do this, keep holding out hope that it'll go bust and he'll come back. I want him to come back because he wants to, not bc his A didn't work out.

I think I have to file for D. This is too painful.

I know it hurts NP, I understand what you mean by not wanting to play second fiddle to the A. Think of it like he has been effected by a drug and your giving him a chance to see it, but not getting drawn in by all the addict crap or being abused.

Thats the foolishness he has boughten, and you are better than that.


Hang in NP, Praying for you.

I would say hang in there....but then I would be lieing.

If I was in a false recovery and my husband wen't back to the OW, then I would file for a divorce the pain it would cause me would be too much to bear. I rather get it over with and start helping myself without that feeling...."WHAT IF"

Just remember that we all are praying for you!

Do what YOU think is best for you!

NP, give plan B time to work. Don't jump to plan D. Your kids deserve the chance to have an intact family. That is why you are in plan B...to protect the last remaining love for your WH. How did you trade off kids? Did you have to see WH?

All of us who have R'd have a choice...do we think of ourselves as second fiddle, or do we think of ourselves as the only true love our WS had, and they finally realized that...

What your WH has with Cougarwoman isn't real. It isn't lasting. It's just a dopamine high that will wear off eventually.

You, on the other hand, united yourself to him in holy matrimony. Your role as wife and mother is sacred. The love that brought you together was true.

She's the one who will end up being leavings. Leftovers.

I agree on letting plan B do its work (for you personally if for no other reason).

You are considering D because you still love your H. You love him and you are feeling like you are being dissed by him. You love him and want action. Right now action.

Plan B is a way to eithr recovery or divorce.

It is a way for you to withdraw from the drama cause by the infedelity. You will go through stages of upheavel whether you do B or D.

B is a way to move on to what you want and you can tell yourself you are going to D as you keep in it. You don't have to file to be on this same road. You will cause way more discomfort for the infediles in a pure B than feeding into their 'love' with a D. They will have to take the actions for the D which, really is leaving you on the higher road to D, yk?

Does that make sense?

I didn't have to see WH when we switched the kids - had the next door neighbour come over and stay while I went out before he got there, and again when he was leaving before I came home.

Today he sent me two texts, one early this morning letting me know he was back up north safely, and another telling me whatn he thought I should do to treat a bump DD got from a bad fall over the weekend. I didn't answer either of them.

But just getting them was bad enough. It goes in cycles - I'm okay for a few days, and then something happens to set it off again, like the fact that he was in town and staying with POSOW this weekend, and then those texts.

Finally told my mom about his A. I hadn't told her before because she already didn't like him and I was holding out hope we'd recover, and then she wouldn't have to know. She was more supportive than I thought she would be, but she keeps telling me that she can't understand why I'd want a man like that back.

On a PR note, I did my first yoga class today. It was surprisingly a LOT harder than I thought it would be! I kept falling over and my flexibility is non existent. But it felt great.....when we were lying flat on our backs (I guess meditating? Just being quiet and still, anyway), it suddenly hit me how exhasuted my body is. I haven't been able to stop moving since WH left, just constantly doing something to distract myself. I could FEEL the tension draining out of me. It was great.

But I still feel like crying all the time, and as soon as I was out of the class I started going again. I feel like if I stop I'll just fall apart.

Very good that your neighbor came over so you didn't have to see him.

Having a 2 mos old and a 3 yr old by yourself is enough work to trigger your feelings.

Could you possibly forward any texts from him directly from your phone to your intermediary? That way, you don't have to have any type of contact between you two at all. Your intermediary can filter any vital info. So, say like the 2 texts you received, you wouldn't even have to know about them because they were just wayturd psychobabble.

I'm glad that you were able to do the yoga class and release some tension. Your body needs some rest.

You might not feel like it, but you're getting through this with strength and grace. It might not turn out the way you want it to, but you will still have a good life. You're an awesome person who has many people that love and care about you and your children.

(((((NP))))

I suggest you block his number, if these texts are triggering you it is not helping you.

Block his email as well, block anything that he can contact you.

You will FEEL soo much better when you do.

Nope nope nope. Get your IM to tell him NO contact. Don't even read them. ALL contact through IM... that took me a bit to get used to, too, but it makes things better, and quite frankly he'll get the message you want NO contact with him at all.


My mom said the same thing. Honestly, I ignored that part. (This was also when I realized she was a serial wayward herself...) People who haven't been through this just DON'T get it.... let her be supportive but realize what you want, not what others think. If I listened to others, I'd be in D right now instead of recovery.


Excellent!!!! If you get a few minutes, I recommend some meditation, too. Especially with those little ones of yours, a few minutes may be all you have to spare, but it is so worth it. I can recommend some good ones if you're interested. I got them from my IC.

Hugs and stay strong. YOU are doing what is best for YOU. HUGS!

Do whatever you have to do so he can't get ahold of you, even if you change your phone # to something he doesn't have. He can call the IM in an emergency, or one of your family members if he can't get the IM.

There is NO reason for him to get ahold of you at all, except the tiny warm fuzzy he feels for being able to reach you any time, any place.

Take the warm fuzzy away!!!

You are doing so good. Be still with God. If you don't have the attention span to read your Bible, especially the Psalms, get a short, easy devotional book. Keep that connection with Him - He will help you through this.