Hi,

Really need some help. Find out this site last week. Find the articles from Dr Harley very useful. Trying to get some urgent advice from people already going through this for a while.

My wife and I have been fall in love for 12 years when we were high school classmates in China. Married for 7 years. Have a 3 year son.

We have always been very happy overall through out the marriage. We do vacation at least 3,4 times every year(more than 1 week, sometime the whole family including parents of us). Due to my job, I am traveling every week from Monday to Thursday. But we talk over phone every day. And always enjoy our talking. I know there is some issue in our relationship like I am not too romantic, not too many flower or gifts. I have always thought our marriage is bulletin proof since we know each other so well and we love each other so much.

I was on a big project outside US for 5 months when the whole thing happened. I am only back once a month. My wife was in the last term of b-school and don'have much to do apart from join all kinds of social event. I notice a lot change from my wife during that period. She became very angry from time to time. I thought it was because of my travel. And it will pass fine. I also notice some messenger sent to her which say "miss u" from another guy. I thought it was sent by mistake. My wife also told me the same thing. I never doubt any thing about infidelity. Until I recieved an e-mail from the other guy's wife saying she is divouce with her husband and my wife is the home breaker. I was totally astonished. That was late June. I fly back immediately to US.

After I come back, we start our graduation move. Through out the whole month, I try to pursuade my wife and show how I care her. My wife was moved from time to time and decide to break with the other guy. In July, my wife plan to fly to the other guy and say good bye. She ask my advice whether she can go. I say, just go ahead. I always trust you. That was in mid July. After she come back. The other guy called. He told me my wife still love him and he ask me to not prevent my wife's visit to him. He said my wife is a individual should decide for herself. Now, I understand my wife is addict to that guy and try to withdraw. But I foolishly send my wife to the other guy again and let the whole addiction happen again.

Almost another one month has passed, through out the one month. I am struglling. Cann't focus on work. Sleep 3,4 hours a day. My wife looks pretty firm. We still live together but she doesn't want any intimacy. Due to my travel, we only met on weekends. Last weekend the other guy fly in and take my wife out for 2 days. I can't do anything. I ask my wife try not to have sex. Since our son and her parents are coming back to US in Sep, she should decide the whole thing then. But she did not deny she have sex again last weekend.

I looked through the articles on the website and try to tell my wife what is addiction. And if we work together, it will only take 3 weeks to walk out that addiction. This will avoid hurt the whole big family. She give the other guy the website. After the other guy reviewed, the other guy is tellilng her that it is only a commercial website and their case don't apply to the rule in the website.

Currently my wife work in a city different from the other guy. I think their plan is to move to the same city in one year time frame. They will fly to each other from time to time during weekends. I talked to my wife's parents a couple weeks ago. They were astonished as well. They live with us from time to time and saw how we love each other. They totally denied the whole thing. And they will fly here try to persude their daughter. Since we are a Chinese family and we are very much family focused. After our marriage, parents of us become good friends and we often live together for several months every year. My parents in law are suffering very similar situation as me, they feel bad, can't focus on work, don't want to talk to people. My wife is angry at me on telling the whole thing to my parents in law. She is not trying to expose it until she can move to the other guy.

I am not sure how much chance I left in the whole event. My wife is my first love and I have never thought of losing her. Also the big family around is so happy. My parents, her parents are all very happey to live with us from time to time and cherish our 3 year old son. When she work out the family, she will put everybody in the family in extreme pain. She doesn't want to realize this. The other guy also try to tell her everything will be fine. My wife now tell whatever I tell her to the other guy for advice. They call each other for hours everyday.

What I am trying to do now is be persistent. Never divorce. Control my behavior(I am not in a phisically good condition due to the whole thing these days and my wife don't like it). Ask my parents in law to help on cut the relationship between the other guy and my wife when they come.

Any further advice/approach is appreciated.
thanks
HH

Your first MAJOR mistake was letting her go to the OM (other man) to say good bye and again more times...what ARE YOU THINKING?? What you are doing is enabling your wife to have an affair, you need to man UP and get your balls back from your wife. She does not respect you as a man or as a husband.

First things first....

EXPOSE TO EVERYONE!!

Family
Friends
co-workers
OM's Friends/famil
neigbors

Anyone you know that might help kill this affair, expose is the number 1 killer because affairs thrive on secrecy so the longer you don't expose the longer you are enabling her to have this affair.

The next thing you need to do is talk to your work and ask them if you can stay close to home to work, you leaving so much will only hurt you.

After that you need to plan A your wife, read this.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

ALL OF IT!

Read on plan A, plan B, and exposure!

You need to be the man in this relationship and put your foot down, you can not just sit there and LET your wife do this. Let her know that this is a marriage and marriages are only TWO people not THREE!

I am very sorry you are in this position, because of what your wife decided to do.

I am glad you told your parents and your wife's parents. Do let them fly to you and help her see what she is doing to your entire family.

She needs to see that it won't be wonderful with the other guy. Not only will her family be angry, but she will not see your son every day. She will not give him a bath every night or read him stories every night. Once she leaves you to be with the other man, she will find out that it is not perfect with him, either. No marriage is ever perfect and she is kidding herself that it will be better for her elsewhere, after breaking up her family and leaving her young son.

It's time for Plan A after you expose. Please read it - it often works.

Also, please DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE if she asks you to do so. You cannot stop her from leaving, but do not leave yourself. Stay there with your son.

More questions to ask.
1. My wife is totally not logical these days. I ask her why she chose the other guy over me. Her answer is only love. She know I can also treat her good. I am also a good guy. But she just doesn't want to change her mind. She may feel our relationship can never restored since she hurt me so hard and so bad. How can I force her to try one more time to come back to me? She is now talking to the other guys a couple hours everyday but only talk to me 10, 20 minutes.

2. I think I need to get some psychology treatment. I am weak these days. Can't focus on work. Sleep too less. But anybody know what kind of doctor or treatment should I go? I need to be back to normal so that I can win my wife back.

Your WW isn't logical. She is battling an addiction. This is what you need to do if you want to save your marriage.

1) Quit your job, get a different job, etc. Something where you stay home all the time. The reason the affair was able to happen was because you weren't there.

2) Do whatever you can to disrupt the affair. The only way to get your WW to stay is to break up her and OM. The way to do that is to make OM's life he11 for pursuing your WW. I would expose to all his family and friends. Shoot, expose to his coworkers. Make sure they know he is being a creep. Check the laws in your state. In some states, you can sue the OM if he does not stop contacting your WW.

3) Tell your children and get your in-laws on board. It sounds they may be conservative enough to back you even though blood is usually thicker than water. Have them let your WW know that OM will NEVER be welcome in their family. If they would contact OM and harass his a bit that would go a long way.

4) Don't let your WW contact OM. Cut all access that you can to the addiction. If she call him from her phone, block his number, delete his contact info, and change her number. Block his email. Get spy software on the computer and block access to his facebook or any other page. Intercept any messages. If she wants to go see OM, you don't let her fly out of town without you. Don't let this creep have access to your WW. Your WW is in the midst of an addiction. If you want her to get through the addiction, you are going to have to rip the pills out of her hand and cut off as much access to OM as possible.

You can't fight this battle logically. You need to be tough and determined if you want to save your family. I know you may not have the stomach for this, but it is the only way to save your WW from this addiction. Get tough and fight for her.

Only once you have broken the addiction (NC w/ OM for several months) will you be able to start working on your marriage again. Remember, the first step is getting a job where you are not away from your WW overnight. The traveling needs to stop if you want a chance at saving your marriage.

Have you exposed this affair?

Family
Friends
Co-workers
Neighbors
OM'S family and friends?

If not, then YES the marriage WILL fail! So stop sitting here moping and pouting, because YOU CAN still save your marriage, and your BEST key is to expose them!!

If you don't then save yourself all the anguish and pain and file for divorce, because that my friend is what you will end up getting if you don't STOP THIS AFFAIR!

Yes your wife is illogical, which is a bonus for you, you can possibly make good informed decisions, and execute a plan A. She is being driven by an addiciton and emotions, which make her do illogical things.
bzzzzt! This is wrong thinking. You can not force anyone to do your will. This is the frusterating part. Sure you discuss addiction with her, and what things will be like if you divorce, but she does not have to listen to you. The only thing you can do is change yourself, and work in you own locus of control. Exposure is in your locus of control, but there is no way exposure forces her or makes her do anything you want. All it does is expose the affair to significant people who influence the WW. This causes pressure on the affair which causes it to crumble. The WW can still make a bad choice to try to save the affair after exposure, but it just makes things worse for her.

Sorry to hear this. Like I said work in your locus of control over the things you have. If there is any way that you can remove your support of her affairs then do it now. Find how you support her ability to contact other ment and take it away from her, without hurting yourself.

Yup, sounds like you would like some anti-depressents to get back funcitoning level. Too bad I don't know who describes anti-depressents. I would like to see you acting on logical decisions and following some type of plan to get yourself and your WW back on track.

Also if you want to be married than you should spend less time travelling for work and expecting that a vacation here and there is good enough. yes the money is good, but isn't your health and happiness more important? Find a job that requires you to travel less. This will help you in this marriage or in any other marriage.

Talk to your regular doctor about getting some antidepressant medication.

My wife tried to with draw today. Has a big argue with the OM. The OM point out I must cheating my spouse. Because some info he has never told me. I confessed that when my wife asked me. I have scretely in contact with my parents in law. My wife is so angry when I told my parents in law the whole thing. She asked me to stop in contact. Although I agree and originally tried to avoid contact with them, I failed when my in-laws contact me via e-mail. Now my wife is pissed off. She told me the OM has predicted that. The OM is right. She is very dissapoint at me. She thought I will never cheat her. I said I am cheating just for the family, not for myself. She try to call the OM again. But the OM has shut down the cell phone. So she leave a voice mail(not sure the content). The OM called several times 1 am in the morning. I told my wife and ask her not to pick up. She agreed.

Not sure how things will go tomorrow. Hope everything will go through smoothly. I may not have control over my wife. Since I will travel next Monday to Thursday. I will probabally try to stay at home if the whole thing turn bad again.

Can't go sleep today. My wife just blamed me for my dishonesty. She said this is the second time I have cheated her. The first time is also I contact the in-law about the matter without let her know.

So sad, feel this become an excuse for her for my not loyal.

Any advice? I have never tell a lie to my wife through the 12 years in our relationship since high school except the 2 recent incidents. Trying my best now.

You have not been dihonest and you have not cheated. You should continue to tell your in-laws and then make a promise to your wife that you will tell everyone. Tell her that you won't be "dishonest" about her affair to anyone. Tell her "dear, I am a walking talking billboard!!"

Then expose the affair to EVERYONE EVERYWHERE.

It would be a good idea to not travel unless your wife is with you.

My wife is still in angry mode today. She doesn't want me to talk anything related with affair otherwise she will move out. She is constantly blaming me the whole morning. I feel so bad. Totally no dignity. I did not fight a word back. Sometime feel die with dignity will be better than live without.

I am still persisting. I am waiting my son to come back in 2 weeks. I need to meet him at least.

Feel everything back to ground 0 again. I almost reached there but messed up again.

My wife said she hate her parents now. She feel her parents and me are conspiring together against the OM and her. I never try to break her relationship with her parents. But looks like my wife is very angry now.

She said the only one did not cheat her is the OM. I said he has nothing to cheat. I am honest apart from contact your parents.

Tell your wife the only person who cheated her IS the OM.

He cheated her out of her REAL family.
He cheated her out of her REAL love - with you.
He cheated her out of being an honest woman.
He cheated her out of the honor she had with her parents.

He is her criminal partner in lies.
He is her criminal partner in selfish behavior.
He is her criminal partner in hurting her husband and family.


YOU are telling the family the TRUTH.
YOU are fighting for your marriage.
YOU are fighting to help her see that love can be restored, that her life with you is the best place to be.





What she has to say about her affair being exposed is no surprise. Waywards who have their affairs exposed get angry. When affairs are exposed to the light of day, they no longer seem so special, or so unique, or so attractive. Suddenly, the truth of how nasty, ugly, hurtful, and despicable affairs really are is right before their eyes. Waywards don't like to admit that.


Tell your wife that your marriage can survive her anger. It cannot survive this other man being in the middle of it - and that you will NOT stand there and allow it any longer.

Period.

SB