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Here is our story in a nutshell.
We have been married 22 years and have twin sons who are 18 and seniors in high school.
I had an emotional affair 2 years into our marriage that lasted 3 weeks. She knew all about this. Eight years into our marriage I had a one night stand that I never told her about.
We grew further and further apart. From reading here, I understand that we were not meeting each others emotional needs.
In 2006, my life blew up - work - other pressures - I let everything get to me. I travel with my job, so I began seeing other women out of town.
Over the course of nearly 2 years, I ended up having one night stands with around 20 different women in different cities.
When she found out, I stopped, began counseling, we began marriage counseling, and for the over 2 years, I have been totally clean. Not saying I am perfect, but I have turned my life around.
Around 5 months ago, an old high school boyfriend of her's ended up on facebook, and they began an emotional affair. He lives four hours away, so they can't see each other much. I do know that they have seen each other several times.
I have busted her with information several times over the summer, and she continues to lie about seeing him, but from my snooping, I know they are still IMMING on facebook.
She won't leave, she won't get counseling, she won't do anything.
I want to forgive her, and see if I can start meeting the emotional needs that he meets, but how do I get that chance....
Help....
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Around 5 months ago, an old high school boyfriend of her's ended up on facebook, and they began an emotional affair. He lives four hours away, so they can't see each other much. I do know that they have seen each other several times. Is her old friend M'd? Exposure of the EA to the OM's W may help to break it up.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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No - he isn't currently married - he has been married five times though.
She is 56, I am 52, he is 55
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Did you ever confess the first one night stand?
I'm the FWW
EA 2/06-3/06
NC 3/06
BH still not sure
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Yes. She knows about the one night stand - she knows everything in detail about what I have done.
I have taken every precaution to make certain it never happens again - I changed my phone numbers - gave her access to all accounts - stopped overnight travel except when absolutely necessary - texted and called her at every stop - never had unaccounted for time.
I have done this willingly and hopefully she does not feel that I am doing it grudginly (sp).
And you know what - I like living in an open an honest manner - it's the only way to live. I will never go back to the double life. It is too stressful.
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Do you have any children?
Have you been documenting evidence of the A?
Have you exposed this yet?
If not, it is vital that you do this. Affairs thrive on secrecy so shining a light on the A is the best tool you have to bust up it up and begin the crumbling of the fantasy. A good exposure would include your parents, children, siblings, any other close family or friends that could influence your W, all OM's FB friends, etc. We have a FB exposure letter that we can post for you.
One last thing, you mentioned that it is difficult because of the distance, but that they have met up several times. I hate to tell you this, but this has probably escalated to a PA. Just want you to have your eyes wide open.
Hang in there.
Last edited by SusieQ; 08/23/10 10:58 AM.
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Thank you Susie - yes - I am aware that despite her denials that it might have become a PA. I can deal with anything as long as I know the truth.
Her friends that know have rejected her - I have not exposed to our families or our children.
I believe that his family is supportive - his sister lets him use her facebook name to communicate on IM with WW.
I would like to see the FB letter - I am going to have to expose to our families - I do have documentation and she has admitted when she has seen him.
I am out of town for four days this weekend (at a men's religious retreat, of all ironies), and I am trying to gather evidence that they will use this time to get together.
I plan to expose to everyone before I leave, especially with evidence in hand.
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I will find the FB letter and one of MelodyLane's wonderful posts on exposure to help you understand the process better. It is crucial that you do all the exposure on one day, so that it is literally a shock to the A... Trickle exposure is not very effective.
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Thank you. I really only have my sons, our older daughter (by phone), her mother, and my mother and sister. She has a couple of friends who might have some influence.
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Read this. I'll be back with more. Carrot&Stick of Plan A
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Another thing you can do that has proven to be one of the most powerful weapons against an affair is exposure on facebook to the OM�s friends. Facebook is a collection of the person�s closest and most important friends, all in one spot! We have had numerous affairs killed in the SAME DAY after a facebook exposure. They are DEADLY. What we did was make a copy of all the names of all the OP�s friends FIRST. [this is important because once the OP gets wind you are sending out messages to his friends, he will close his page] You will have to send out an email, one by one to his facebook friends. It should go something like this:
Facebook exposure letters
Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BH
Dear friend of Skankyhola,
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW
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You need a keylogger so you can see what is being said on the IMs.
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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i do have a keylogger......that's how i discovered...
Thanks for the FB letter....I haven't thought about that - but it sounds like a good idea...
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Jeff,
Over the course of nearly 2 years, I ended up having one night stands with around 20 different women in different cities
Have you told her that you understand how devastating this is to her, that you are sorry for risking your wifes health? Is there anything about this web of deceit you have withheld from your wife.
Did you get tested for STDs, if not please do so, a woman who would agree to a one night stand in some city with a stranger, would do so with many strangers?
God Bless
Gamma
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Yes - I have been totally honest with her - she has dates - times places - names of people I remember - she has everything - there is nothing she doesn't know. I am living totally honest now - and I know that doesn't make up for it - it is all I can do.
I do understand that it is devastating - I would not have blamed her if she had decided not to stay. I still wouldn't blame her if she leaves.
And, to stay - and have a five month at least emotional affair - (she says it isn't sexual even though they have been together overnight) is also wrong.
If she wants to leave and be with him, that is her choice. But, she doesn't get to stay in the marriage - and be telling another man she loves him.
And yes - we have been tested for STDs - up until this man entered the scene - our sex life had been better than it ever was at any point in our marriage.
Last edited by TNJeff; 08/23/10 12:35 PM.
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Jeff,
Glad you are now honest,
The reason I asked is that you would be surprised however how many people on this forum continue to lie even in this anonymous community. Then when their continued deception and minimization is detected by their spouses their relationships continue to get worse.
Did you offer to take a lie detector test?
Something about the combination of religion and infidelity is particularly hard to take btw, my wife took OM4 with her to church, and wanted to see him about a month or so ago before he died, she was worried about his soul.
God Bless
Gamma
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Thanks Gamma - I understand the power in brutal honesty......I did not offer to take lie detector test.
I think she believes that she knows everything - of course now, in the midst of her stuff - she's not asking any questions.
i refuse to live in a dishonest relationship
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"I refuse to live in a dishonest relationship"
that of course is a good boundary for any relationship and the only way to go forward.. but I gotta admit when I read that what I thought..
"Well, SURE you do.. now that you've been caught." Depending on how you're saying that.. I'd sure be irritated if I were your wife.
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any hints on how to position it? I know that my affairs make this complicated and more difficult than if I had a stellar past.
I still believe that a marriage with more than two people is not a marriage.
Even given my history, there is still no excuse for her affair.
And Ivy, she has been "caught" many times over the summer - her first D-Day was June 1st, and she has agreed to let him go and broken it at least five times.
So, I think I have bent over backwards to give her every chance.
Last edited by TNJeff; 08/23/10 01:21 PM.
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There should be absolutely no facebook account for your wife. In fact, I would password lock the computer so that the only time she can use it is with you standing over her. She has broken NC repeatedly. Social networking sites are not a necessity to a happy life....if she can't handle one, she doesn't need to be on one.
I also believe exposure is essential.
And while it was terrible for you to have had affairs, you are right. Sin does not cancel out sin. One affair doesn't justify another. Do the people who know about her EA/PA also know about your stuff? I am not sure that is even necessary, since it is no longer 2006 and you have come clean about everything.
I am so sorry you are going through this. When will people learn that you never ever ever ever contact old flames....ever??
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