We are in the "waiting period" before divorce is finalized. I'm having 2nd thoughts about it, and I'm pretty sure she is too. She's made comments to me that lead me to think we could work on the marriage and try again. I've had some strong feelings the last couple days that I just want to go home and be a family again no matter what it takes. But...I don't feel confident in my heart that we can.

Is this just a weak moment / phase...?
We signed the divorce documents this week on Tuesday, so I'm wondering if we're just both feeling scared about this actually happening / becoming "reality" for us.

I have continued to see another woman. I don't know if my STBX has been seeing the man she had an affair with or not, but I don't suspect they are seeing each other. She and I have been intimate, had sex, and kissed a lot yesterday. We still have the "passion"...that's for sure, but that was never a problem in our marriage...ever. I do also know and believe that she does love me deeply. I know I love her too, but I don't know if we can mend the trust we have broken.

Ugh...this is all so confusing.
I think basically unless I'm ready to ditch the "other woman" completely there's not sense in wasting time by going home. That's just what my gut tells me.
Problem is...don't know if I should fight harder or if it's all just an MFP (moot fu--king point).

Your post is a perfect example of why people aren't suppose to 'date' (AKA CHEAT) before they are divorced.

If you want to save your marriage, then yes, break your affair off with the OW...and if you don't want to save your marriage, break your affair off with the OW and stop sleeping with your stbxw.

x2

You both are addicted to these other people. These relationships are based on lies, deceit and the destruction of your families and the lives of your children.

They will crumble in a couple years.

You're both cake eating - you want the benefits of a family with the ability to go get your needs met by someone else. It's sick and abusive, not only to each other but to your children as well.

You wanting to go back to your wife and rebuild your family is the sane, responsible husband and father in you. You keep shutting him up so you can go to your OW, and you use the excuses and memories of the pain of your marriage to justify the atrocity you are committing.

You gotta pick a side.

You can go through with the divorce, diddle the OW, destroy your children's family. If you do this - STOP sleeping with and interacting with your wife. Does your OW know you are "cheating" on her with your wife? Does Mistress wonderful know you're having second thoughts?

Or, you can kick your skank to the curb (any woman who would get involved with another woman's husband, another child's married father is a skank who disrespects both herself and you) and clear your head and work things out with your wife.

The one thing you SHOULD be fighting for, instead of being so concerned with your 'happiness' is the wellbeing of your children. Their wellbeing is BEST served if their family is maintained intact, happy and healthy and if their parents quit thinking with their sex organs and start thinking with their heads. You know - making decisions that keep the family together, rather than rip it apart.

But then, from the moment you've shown up here, you've been more concerned with what is easy, than what is right... so I doubt you'll heed this advice now...

Get your divorce.
Bang your OW.
Just be ready for your kids when they come asking why you threw them and their happiness and security under the bus.

Captain76 I do not know your story. Paste it over here.

You are in an internal war that can only be resolved in doing what you know is t he right thing...dropping these OP and working on your M.

A marriage is with 2 people not husband, wife, OW, OM. You can't work on that M unless it is just the 2 of you.

Don't be scared of rejection by your W. When I was going for a D, my attorney told me that she had one client who pulled the D papers on the day the decree was going in. It happens all the time.

Do you want to be a hero in your M or let it die a death and say "what if"

You are being still and finally listening to that little voice that has been trying to be heard. You know that it is God giving you that chance. Take it.

Bury your head back in the adultery sand?

Sad.

I was hoping the REAL husband and father would win.

Your poor children.

Oh and just in case you're thinking that at their young ages your 'resilient' children will adjust just fine to the destruction of their family by their adulterous parents:

I was 2 when my parents divorce.
My brother 2 months.

The divorce scarred and fractured our childhoods. We didn't get a childhood. Polite co-parenting is a cheap substitute for an intact, loving family and kids know they're getting the shaft on this deal.

They may never tell you how much you've hurt them, my parents probably think I'm well adjusted, especially as I've been fairly successful. They don't know the pain I've suffered - the pain you are condemning your children to.

Now sometimes a broken home is the best that can be provided for children. In the case of abuse or addiction.

But you and your wife don't have that excuse - all you have is your selfishness.

Before you go through with this, please read:

"Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children and Divorce"

At least get SOME clue of what it is you are doing to them before you do it.

Vibrissa so many good points. I was blessed with a stable family with 2 loving parents.. I feel for my girls and how this has affected them. Maybe I can buy this book and give it to XH for his Affairage but he is so in the fog that it won't matter. The kids become casualties.

Unfortunately you can't educate a wayward.... I wish you could.


This is so true, and so sad - they are the innocent victims. They are the ones who suffer most - thrust into an adult situation when what they need is to be allowed to be a child.

It breaks my heart that divorce is so accepted and encouraged these days. We tell ourselves the comforting lie that "kids need happy parents". They will be "better off" if parents aren't unhappy and fighting and miserable all the time.

The choice isn't unhappy marriage and divorce. The choice is happy marriage or divorce. But few people want to commit to the work and effort that a happy marriage requires. Easier to divorce and comfort themselves with tales of children's resilience.

Sometimes, divorce has to happen. Sometimes parents just wont commit to the changes necessary. It is a tragedy EVERY single time.

From Pep's post in Pregnancy/Child:


How much better life would be, for everyone, if parents made decisions with the BEST interests of their children involved, as opposed to allowing themselves to be clouded by their desires and own pursuit of 'happiness'.

I know I'm preachin' to the choir here hope - you did all you could, you can't force a wayward to be a decent human being, but you can instill within your daughter a healthy respect for her reproductive powers and the importance of marriage.

I agree that the primary concern needs to be the children.
That's why it's very important not to bounce back and forth between divorce and fixing the marriage.

Put the divorce on hold indefinitely by all means. Live alone for a while. Date your wife. Get marriage counseling. Then make a decision.

And you have no business having sex with your STBXW if you are dating someone else. Personally, I don't consider it cheating to date someone if you are separated and have filed for divorce. Divorces can take years if the finances are messy or there's a custody battle. But, that's not what you're doing.

At the very minimum, you need to tell both women what's going on. If the woman you've been dating is good and emotionally healthy, she'll tell you not to call her any more. If she still wants to see you, you shouldn't be with her. As for your wife, her reaction is harder to guage. She has a lot more time and energy invested. But, you cannot even start to work on your marriage unless there is truthfulness and honesty.

Guys (and gals)...you are all VERY right.
This weekend (and today) I have been pleading with my wife do just that - let's STOP this divorce, go to counseling, Church, support groups, etc... and make it work. I WANT IT TO WORK and I'm pretty sure my wife believes me. We both (again) talked about seeing other people (we both have 1 specific OW/OM).
This has nothing to do with my OW - I can drop her like a bad habit (I'm confident in that)...and never look back. I've proven that to my wife. I've given my wife the OW's phone number and she knows she is welcome to call and confirm I have ended things, or ruin things if she feels that's what she wants to do. That might bite me in the [censored] later...but don't care. My wife and kids are more important. My wife won't prove to me she's ready yet.

My wife says, "NO...I am not stopping this divorce process." I've been pleading (honestly...from my soul) with her to call the lawyer and let's go see the Pastor tonight. I have an appointment at 7:00 PM. I'm going whether she does or not. I told her I am willing to do these things because I owe her and our kids a REAL chance to fix this. I told her she owes me and the kids the same thing and that I want her to get rid of the OM as well. She tells me they are "through", but I know him (very well) and what he said to her (he broke it off) was that he can't be with her if she is still married.

To me...she must still be wondering what will happen with him after she is no longer married, and that seems to be the current "driving force" behind the burning need to end this marriage. That's why I told her (and feel strongly about it) that if we're going to work on this (and we should) she will have to stop these divorce proceedings. If she will do that it will prove to me she isn't looking to find out what he (OM) is going to do once she's not married. If she won't...then he is still very much an issue.

Then DROP her like the bad habit she is. You wanna fix things - you go first. And if the divorce goes through, this woman is NOT someone you want a relationship with. You are NOT someone worth having a relationship with. You will need a LONG time of personal growth before you are ready for another relationship.

END this pointless relationship. If for no other reason than it is disrespectful to bring one of the causes of your marriage failure around your children and force them to treat her like a respectable adult.


You need to EXPOSE your affairs. You need to go to your parent's and your wife's parents, you need to tell them what you have both done and ask for their help in salvaging your marriage and their grandchildren's family.

EXPOSE this to the OMs family. Let them know that he has been in a relationship with a married woman and you are trying to make your marriage work for the sake of your innocent children.

Expose, Expose, Expose.

Then - drag out the divorce proceedings. Stop cooperating with it. Don't sign or do anything.



Of course she is wondering - you have been, too.

Best way to end this - is make your wife undesirable for this Other Man. Make her not worth his time. As it is he's losing interest. If you make this hard for him, he will drop her and she'll have no where else to go.

She will be FURIOUS with you - you are taking away her safety net. But this is the BEST thing to do.

If you're serious about this - get this thread moved to SAA. Drop the OW, get Surviving an Affair and start your Exposure plans, STALL the divorce.

You got ONE chance to fix this - do this RIGHT.

I'm so happy you didn't cave. I'm so glad you've come to your senses. Please stick around, Please listen to the vets.

Vibrissa - BOTH our family's know ALL about our affairs.
My wife is not ready to do what I need.

I am going to counseling - starting today...but she doesn't want to stall the divorce. Docs are signed and she wants it to be finalized. We (She) has 6 more weeks to stop it, but has told me no...she won't. No matter what I do she needs us to be divorced and see if we'll fix ourselves seperately and maybe re-marry later. I don't agree with that.

What she wants is to be single and pursue the OM. You gotta make that NOT worth his while. Expose to his family. Let them know he is a contributing factor to the destruction of your family.

If I were your wife, I would not stop the divorce proceedings BECAUSE you are still seeing OW.

How DARE YOU post that you are "pleading with my wife" to STOP the divorce ... all the while you are STILL DATING the OW !

Words mean nothing when your actions prove otherwise.

The fact that you are STILL DATING OW negates any "pleading" or other attempts you make at persuading your wife that you are not HIGH RISK.

Sheesh !

End your adulterous affair.
Have ZERO contact with ANY other women.

So, you are OK with using OW?
OW is as disposable as a used tissue?

How does this make you a man of character?
How does this make you a man any decent woman would trust with her body/heart/soul?

You sir, are a FREELOADER.
Freeloaders make poor spouses.

Since you haven't dropped your OW and since you continue to see her at work every day, your words are meaningless. You are the falling down drunk who SWEARS he won't drink......... tomorrow. Whatever..

Talk is cheap with a wayward. Only actions count.

Your wife is WISE to follow through on the divorce. Neither of you are marriage material anyway. Good grief.

Will it be easy to get rid of the OW - no...it won't. But I will do it to save my marriage. Yes it will be difficult. Is it easy for my wife to get ride of the OM - no...it isn't. But she is telling me she wants me to do things to change my life before she will allow me to come home.

My point is...I'll do those things she is demanding (and happy to do them), but don't make demands on me if she isn't willing to do what I need for me too. I have needs she must be willing to comply with also. BOTH of us need to walk away from the OM/OW...but only 1 of us will at least say we are willing. Actions certainly speak louder...but we could start with words and take action from there.

Cap76:

I presume with Captain in your tag name that maybe you are somewhat nautical in your mind frame.

You are in the fog, on the bridge of your ship, and you see the lighthouse' light, yet you continue full speed ahead, while shouting orders to the lighthouse to get out of the way....

You work with the OW, and refuse to quit, or change jobs.

And since you have the OW, and your WW isn't slowing the Divorce process, your protected on BOTH sides, family on one side, OW on the other.

You said on your original thread that it was over with the OW, yet, you continue to see her. Even though "you can drop her like a bad habit" and have not.

So, if you stop yelling at the lighthouse to move, and get your own ship under control, maybe the lighthouse keeper will send your boat in the right direction to aviod the rocks...

STOP seeing the OW. Go to your counsler. Keep reading here. Start practicing and living the life that you claim to want.

Live that way for several months. Maybe the Divorce goes to final, maybe it doesn't. 6 weeks is a long time in the Post Affair world.

Decide where you want to be, then start travelling THERE. This place would NOT include youe OW in the same workplace. It would mean NOT contacting OW ever again. It would mean understanding that YES, I WILL suffer consequences from my affair...

You can do this. There is no try.

LG

NO.

YOU take action.

YOU drop OW.

She is not worth dating. She is trash.

You write a NC letter, you show it to your wife, and you show her you putting it in the mailbox. You, in front of your wife, block her number, delete/block her email from your email address. You give her a list of your passwords. You show her the HN, HN, LB, and SAA books and tell her you are working to be the best husband possible. If you see OW at work - you quit your job and get another one.

You stall the divorce. You plan A. You expose to OMs family.

Talk is cheap.