I recently had an affair on my wife of 11 years (together 15) with a woman from work. I have been asked to leave the house for a trial seperation. In reading through Plan A and B of Dr. Harley's website. I understand that complete seperation is needed, however, it was a co-worker that I had the affair with, now I want to earn my marriage back because I realize how selfish my acts were and never worth throwing my wife's love away for. I am over the other woman....replused in fact by her. My wife insists I leave my job, but I still have to pay for her needs, my two children, and the apartment I will be getting. I could never make the same money anywhere else. I work for a very large company.....could go days without running into this woman with out trying and infact a very long time if trying. I can't transfer because A) there are no positions available and B) the corporation is in Denmark, which takes me further away from her and my kids. I deeply regret what I have done.....don't know if I'll ever get my wife back....but I'll die trying.

Does any one have advice on how to keep my job and still reconcile with my bride of 11 years?

Any help would be greatly appreciated

So you'll die trying but you won't do what your wife has asked you to and quit your job?

If you want to have any chance of saving your marriage you must have 100% no contact (NC) with the OW. The only way to be absolutely sure is to quit your job. You can hem and haw and justify why you can't quit but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. The job must go. It's a consequence of your horrible decision to have an affair.

Here are way to get your marriage back

1. get a new job (working with this woman will not only trigger you but will also trigger your wife) You wife does not trust you, so this is STEP ONE to save your marriage.

2. Write a NC letter to the OW

3. Be open and honest with your wife, all of your email, phone, fb, etc she has to have all access!

Good luck

Yup, I agree with your BW, you need a new job even if you take a pay cut for a small time. It is better than running into this repulsive woman and having a repulsive "closure" moment which can ignite another repulsive affair (it happens all the time). I don't buy the statement that you are repulsed by her, and I expect your wife does not. She is putting in place some EP to ensure that you do not encounter OW again.

If your BW wants a trial seperation you should take it, but only on the grounds that you list all the EPs you are taking to ensure no affair will happen and what your BW needs you to do to allow you to come back. these include
1) New Job
2) NC letter reviewed by your BW and sent by your BW to the OW.
3) List of EPs that you are taking
4) Any other conditions set by your BW to take you back (most of these will include stopping LBs and meeting ENs)

I really wish she would keep you in the house, but it is her decision (I completely disagree with this decision). She needs proof that she can trust you. Proof of trust comes by doing things her way, for the time being, until you can work or recovering your marriage. You can not POJA until trust is established.

Who cares about money because divorce, alimony, and child support will suck you dry. I would rather suffer a little loss in pay than my whole pay cheque.

I agree!

Nope.

The only way it would work is if you could get the OW to quit.

+1

It is impossible.

You should have considered this before you decided to get your play where you work.

I get the feeling you think your wife is being unreasonable.

Believe me she is being MORE than reasonable. Her request is absolutely ESSENTIAL if you want a CHANCE at getting your marriage back.

but...... these two statements do not agree.

Thank You for your honest responses, the two things that concern me are, shes stated that even if I leave it may not work out.....which is her choice so I respect that and second she had a friend that this happened to and when the husband left his job, they still got divorced. The job is a job....and money is money.

Thank you

+2.......

Your wife sounds like a smart woman......too bad you didn't realize that before.......

Not2fun

There are no guarantees. Your BW is under no obligation to take you back. The only guarantee I can give you is that if you do continue to work with the OW, your marriage is over for sure.

So what you are saying is:

Money > Trying to save your marriage and keep your family intact

Okay, that clears it up for me.

You are asking how an alcoholic can sober up and recover while having occasional drinks. It can't be done. It is equally unrealistic to think that your marriage can ever recover while you see your OW at work occasionally. That only means you will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal.

And yes, you might be repulsed today, but that is like the alcoholic who swears off drinking after his last bad drunk. Pretty soon the sting of the last drunk wears off and he is back to drinking again.

I would recommend that your wife file for divorce and proceed along those lines until you end all contact with the OM. Otherwise she is facing a slow death of a thousand cuts with years of an on again, off again affair.

Well the selfishness that enabled you to break your marriage vows and have an affair is readily apparent.

You don't get to break your marriage and then set the conditions for it's recovery. You don't get to wreck your car and then tell the mechanic how much you'll pay to fix it.

You pay the bill.

Right now - your wife has EVERY right to set the conditions that she will use to even CONSIDER saving what you've trashed.

You don't get a guarantee.

You don't get a pat on the back if you do what she asks.

You don't get a cookie for doing the right thing.

You do the right thing because it is the RIGHT THING.

Your wife is one smart cookie.

If you want a CHANCE at fixing this marriage for your children's sake - you do what she asks.


Well, that is a consequence he had to bear for his action. It's not his WIFE'S fault they divorced. He's the one who wrecked the marriage.


So money is more important than the CHANCE to give your children the life they deserve?

You lose the job, you make less money - at least then you can look your children in the eyes and tell them you did all you could to atone for your despicable act.

You keep the job - all you tell them is the job was more important than them.

You broke it - there are no guarantees it can be fixed, but if you listen to your wife, there is a CHANCE. That's the best an adulterer gets.

no money means nothing in the big picture, but I still have to pay the bills.....its scary because the job marked is so horrible


my wife is what I want

What if I truly have a replusion towards the women, is it possible not to go back down that path......

I know my wife has every right to demand anything she wants.

If you follow this program you won't get divorced. Is she willing to implement the principles of this program?

And while you are grasping for anecdotes to defend not leaving your job, I will negate your anecdote with NUMEROUS anecdotes of WS's who left their jobs after their affair and are in a fully recovered marriage today.

Did you not ever the saying "never get your honey in the same place you get your money?" It always shocks me when I see people destroy their careers and reputations by trolling the employee pool for action. That is just amazingly stupid and risky. Every person I have ever known who did this at work, destroyed their reputation. Everyone always knows and the cheaters lose all respect, if they manage to save their jobs, which is a big IF.

Does senior management know you are such a loose cannon at work? Workplace affairs put your company at legal risk and many companies would not choose to employ a cheater. I work for a major soft drink company and you would be terminated at my company. The same with my last company which was #8 on the Fortune 500 company list. A senior VP was escorted off the premises by a SECURITY GUARD in front of all the employees.
.

funny... how all this stuff matters NOW... but didn't when you were pursuing your OW....

Funny how all this is hindering you from giving your children and wife the man they deserve, but didn't prevent you from having an affair...

Funny how these fears didn't make you the husband and father your family deserves and the man you promised them to be, and now, these fears are going to keep you from doing what needs to be done....

If it wasn't important when you decided to boink your OW, why is it important now?