I am feeling less and less. Maybe it is just the 1 year mark being right around the corner.

H just kissed me upstairs and I did not feel anything, just numb.

Is this normal?

H is trying, but I currently have no interest in letting him in. What I see him doing though are the things that he is comfortable with anyway. Gift, teasing, jokes, ect.

But what I really want is the hardcore emotions from him. I feel like if he can is willing to leave himself that vulnerable to me, then he would be willing to tell me when things are not right in our M. Am I just crazy in that thinking?

Eula,

Trickle truth is horrendous. My H lied for nearly 2 years after d-day. Finally, we attended an MB weekend the end of Jan 2010 and it was either at that weekend or in the coach's call the next week, that H understood the damage from trickle truth. It has been one year yesterday since H became an honest man. This makes a huge difference and we are finally starting to recover. Openess and honesty is so important. Otherwise, how else are you to know if your H has a compaint about the way things are going.

For us, some days are still better than others. We are best when we follow MB to the T, getting more than 15 hours of undivided attention per week, using the policy of joint agreement, avoiding affair talk, etc.

Are you working the MB program with the books and workbooks?

AM

We had been, but fell off for a while. I have started re-reading SAA. We are both trying to practice not using LBs. EPs are still being maintained. We know what each others top 5 are, and are trying to fulfill those needs.

And we are spending time together, although not as much as needed.

We talked Saturday night and I express that part of why I don't want to deal with him right now is that I have NO respect for him.

Since D-Day he is bending over backwards to make things right. The problem is that he is acting like a damn doormat. I do not want a damn doormat, I want a partner who loves and respects me. And part of that is standing up to me when I cross the line, which I have done at times.

I just want him to be honest with me, to love me, to respect me. Is that too damn much to ask?

I feel like an utter dipshit...

Last night our local news had a story talking about social networking as the number one threat to marriages now. Since they make it so easy to run into old flames,ect. We all know the drill on these sites by now.

Because this is how H's affair started, the story triggered me badly. So I asked for his login USB (He has all his passwords on his USB through a program, and I have a copy of them). I asked for the usb drive because I wanted to make sure there were not any new sites I was unaware of..

He gave me the usb drive and sat down beside me. I started clicking at sites. Nothing really set me off. Then I clicked his Paypal. I saw an order placed last Monday for flowers that he had ordered for me for V-day..

He was trying so hard to do something sweet and surprise me at work with flowers. Now I feel like a dipshit because I ruined his surprise over my panic.

He has NEVER sent me flowers at work before. And it touched me tremendously that he tried to do so and surprise me with them. He even called my boss to make sure I would get them.

Think about this, though:

If that's the worst you found, aren't you happy about it?

(And I say kudos to your FWH for not only trying to add to your $LB, but for not trying to hide the fact).

Yay, ElunaInNC's husband!

Don't ever feel bad that you've confirmed your H's fidelity.

Now QUICK! forget you did it so you can be surprised on Monday!

If anyone was wondering, the flowers were a dozen red roses.

But I totally ruined any chance for him to deposit in my $LB. First by ruining the surprise. Then, I started wondering if the flowers were actually for me or for someone else. He had given me no reason to wonder if there was someone else, but I guess I am still so mistrustful of him that it boils down to once bitten twice shy.

Also some other things that are bothering me. Armywife asked if we are doing the MB program. I can not honestly say we are. We are trying to be mindful of LBs but ENs are falling desperately short.

He said his # 1 EN was affectionate/sensual touching. So I have been doing my best just to touch him, even if it is nothing more than holding his hand while we are in the car. He seems to be happy and fulfilled.

I on the other hand am far from it. I am miserable and unhappy. I feel like I am ready to give up and just walk away. Life without him right now looks so damn appealing.

I have repeatedly asked for intimate communication. H believes that telling about all the drama in his day is fulfilling that need, no matter how much I try to explain that it is not. I am very angry that we can not just sit down and have a conversation about our life, our family, our feelings. I am furious that he will not take time to focus on me. Yes I know I sound selfish saying that. But it is what I need right now. And that does not include playing video games or watching TV and trying to have a conversation.

I need him to be my friend right now. The gestures he is making to me are that of a lover. But as that song goes, "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" (And yes I told him that today)

The other thing that is really pissing me off. Whenever he does start in on his feelings, the first thing out of him mouth "I am so sorry for the pain that my decisions have caused"

I swear it is like a hot needle that sears my skin every time he says it. I appreciated the apology, but I do not want to keep being reminded of the A. I got so angry with him for saying it, that I did jump down his throat about it yesterday. I asked if he was intentionally continuing to bring up the A to cause more pain.

Can you take him by the hand to your bedroom or some other quiet place away from the TV and other distractions and then stroke his arm, head, leg while talking to him about some topics you'd like to talk about?

If you enjoy your conversation, tell him. Give him positive feedback. Let him know how good it feels to you and that you look forward to having more quiet conversations later in the week.

I am just in a funk. Things are not getting better, and now I feel so confused, I do not even know what I want or need. How can I help him understand, if I can not even figure it out myself?

D-day anniversary is right around the corner, 2 weeks. And my B-day is next week.

We did keep our agreement to not be in the area on my b-day. We have a trip planned to head to the mountains for a week. MIL and FIL are taking DS for the time. So it will be H and I, alone. I am hoping that the time together will improve things.

I feel like I am ranging between apathetic and just plain depressed, with a pinch of raging anger. I have little or no drive to do anything, even the things I use to love.

Right now I have no desire at all for my H. I actually tried creating a romantic night for us the other night. I lit candles and incense, got disrobed and into bed. Then laid on his chest waiting for him to make a real move. The next thing I know, I am waking up from dozing off.

I told him yesterday that I just have no desire to "fix" things anymore. I told him that I feel like he has spent our entire M making half-a$$ attempts to do things, then leaving it for me to fix.

Before we got M, we were asked by the pastor to read HN-HN before the ceremony. I had some trouble getting started, so I bought the audio tapes and listened to them all (unfortunately did not do such a good follow through on the techniques) but I did at least listen to them. I felt our M was important enough to take the time to do it.

He read ten pages, then quit reading it. It was not as important as the video games he wanted to play. (Yes I am angry and resentful) I am seeing much of the same patterns now. He does something half a$$ed, then quits to do something more interesting.

After D-day, I asked him again to read HN-HN. He read a few chapters, since then it has been sitting on the floor in the bedroom untouched.

I have no desire to "fix" the things he leaves broken now. I feel like if our marriage is not worth enough to him that he is going to do what ever it takes to make things right, then why should I bother.

We spent a week on vacation for my birthday. It definitely helped to ease some of the tension. And the big trigger I was worried about, never really happened which is good.

We spent most of the time in the room, relaxing together, or just enjoying one another. There was one fight Thursday night. We had been to the indoor pool at the resort, and I saw him glance at a girl in a bikini. It just really threw me the wrong way and after several more thing biting at me (including my sister calling to ask if my "cat was suppose to be that big") , I finally got upset.

He apologized and said now he realized that it had been a cruel action.

I also got upset over one of his fantasies.The original fantasy involving just the two of us did not bother me. He told me in one version it was a 3-some. Sometimes with another woman, sometime with another man. After all we have gone through, it made me feel cheap and low that he would think of me as a sex toy for someone else.

I told him that it hurt me badly for him to think of me in that way. That is showed a lack of care and respect. I asked him to really visualize us following through with his 3-some fantasy, involving another guy. How would he really feel to watch someone else touch me like that.

I think I got through to him with my feelings, I could see the look on his face change as he went through it in his mind. The self-disgust and pain was evident.

On my birthday itself, I awoke to some bad news from my Dr. Turns out I need to have a biopsy done. He has stated that he really wants to be with me when they perform the procedure. This is a big difference than in the past, when I had been left to deal with health scares on my own.

In an effort to reclaim my birthday, he took me out for brunch, the for a nature hike by a beautiful river, and then shopping. We also went on an hour long boat tour and ended the evening with a nice dinner.

Since we have been back, things have been stressful. But he has begun to step up and really started looking for ways to care and protect me. Not only from himself, but also from other life stresses.

I know that the one year date is sometime this week, but I have refused to look up the actual date. I figured it is better that way, so I can not force a new trigger for the day. Maybe it is a good step to being able to live without constant triggers.

Well, to top things off it turns out I may have a metabolic issue the is causing a lot of my funk, at least my doctor thinks so.

She put me on a no-sugar diet yesterday, hell for a sugar-holic. H is even offering to join me in the diet.

Any other ideas to help move things out of this funk? Feedback please.

Whoa Eluna, reading your posts is like a twilight zone-esque peek into my own story...right down to the metabolic issue (no sugar diet sucks but helped me feel more "even keel" after about a week or so of withdrawal). I've only recently (as in days) begun posting here after a couple years lurking, and you'll see if you read my thread that I'm having some similar struggles right now, myself.

I'm still looking for my big "Aha!" moment that will smooth everything over so I can't really offer too much feedback in that regard. One thing that I have always leaned on to help me get out of a funk, however, is intense exercise. Yoga won't cut it. I have found that the intensity of my exercise has to match the level of my rage. I particularly enjoy loading my iPod up with angry music (think Rage Against the Machine or POD) and going for a run or a brutal weight lifting workout. I also enjoyed hitting a heavy bag (picturing OW face) for quite some time until I began to do too much damage to the joints in my hands from overuse, and a stress fracture in my fibia that took months to heal.

I don't know if this helps. It's what works for me; I always found advice about finding a calm place and doing calm things completely unhelpful. I believe that some emotions need to be expressed rather than doused.

While I partially I agree, I mostly disgree. Anger is something that makes you "insane". Willing to do crazy things like kick the crap out of an inanimate object long enough and hard enough to break your lower ankle.

What Dr. Harley recommends is to find ways to redirect your frustration into thoughtfulness. If that thoughtfulness includes exercise to relieve the frustration, that's great, but rage-powered workouts -- in my limited experience -- tend to lead to more rage-powered workouts. Whereas thoughtfulness focused on the goals I'm attempting to achieve tends to result in similar gains despite being slightly less "intense".

Seriously. How long should it take before I stop feeling the need to question every damn thing?

We were on a pretty good stretch recently. Then Tuesday, I had to have a biopsy done. Since then I keep pushing him away. Everything he asks or says, I have the need to just tell him that "I will never be the girl you want" or "Why would you want reality with me, when you can live your dream fantasy with them"

Why am I doing this? Why do I feel this overwhelming need to sabotage the rest of our marriage?

He has been trying so hard to be there for me right now, and I just want to shred him for doing it.

I want to make our lives better together, but I keep getting stuck thinking about how much less pain I would be in if he had left. I say that because I feel like his very presence is a constant reminder of his A.

When I am with him, face to face, I can accept the comfort without much resistance. When we are apart, say at work, this is when I start to want to push him out the door the most. Maybe because it happened while he was suppose to be at work?

How much longer am I going to feel like this?

Yes we are working on the time together. Obviously I am having a horrible time right now with the LBs. Too much self-pity.

Well, let's see, if my timeline is any indicator, by about 18 months to two years in you'll only feel this way a few days a month. 2-3 at the most if things are going well.

At six months, I still felt that way every darn day.

Thank you for responding Doormat. At least I feel like someone out there is listening.

I'm usually reluctant to get too involved in the female-hosted threads... I prefer to offer advice to the guys on the board, particularly betrayed males. You know, new boundaries and all that.

But a new recovery is the toughest thing to go through. There are days where, all things considered, I'm not certain I made the right choice. Then my wife comes home, my kids surround me, we go do something fun, and it's all good until another random funk hits.

They seem similar in nature to the random funks I'd suffer for a few days each month prior to the affair, too. Just the target of my funks has changed, you know?

Hi guys,

Been a few weeks since I have even looked around here.

Made it through the 1 year d-day and things seems to be getting better, slowly.

We had talked about renewing our vows, but after talking with our pastor, we have decided to forgo that for a while.

Ok so if things are getting better, why am I back here typing up a storm? DH's sister announced today that she is now separated. Her husband has decided to call it quits. I am hearing everything second-hand (probably for the better) but the commentary I am hearing sounds exactly like the fog-talk DH uttered while he was in an A. And this is now triggering the hell out of me.

A big part of me wants to put my two cents in, but I realize that it will not help anyone. She has decided to just let him go so he can be "happy". And no she thinks he is not cheating, but wants to find greener pastures.

Part of me is angry she does not see the fog talk, truthfully I think this is still the anger I carry for not seeing the A until it was almost too late.

Part of me is pissed that her H is so full of fog-talk, too many painful memories there and that is where that anger resides.

More than anything I am angry this keeps popping up in my life. I want to move on away from it. I am still working on building a type of trust with my husband, and these keep reminding of the pain and hurt making it really hard to move on.

An example, DH and I went to DC over the weekend. While we were on the metro, I saw a beautiful little baby and I kept thinking how much I would like to have another baby. But then I look at my husband, remember the A, and think how can I ever trust him enough to have another baby with him. It was partly the stress of a new baby that contributed to the A, so why would I do that again. On the other hand, I have to give up the dream of having another child which I dearly want.

I guess I just want it to disappear for a while so I can truly heal. Nice pipedream huh?

I have the same issue with my husband's brothers ex-wife. She was a serial cheater, and just got divorced after her BH discovered her fifth case of infidelity. He even took her back after she gave birth to twin OC's and still she continued with her behavior. I tried to get her H into MB but he wasn't interested. He decided that she would be happier with POSOM. Their situation is just too similar to mine, and it makes me nervous that things may not be as good in my M as I think. Her BH thought they were working through things too, and it makes me afraid that I might be next. Even though it's not us or our M, it does make me suspicious of my H even more than I already am. It drags up the anger and the pain. I have to stay away, far away, from even talking about it or listening to anything to do with it or it hurts my recovery efforts.

And about the baby thing. I got my tubes tied after I gave birth to my DD because my WH told me that his infidelity was due to the things pregnancy had done to my body, and me not being as attractive as other women. I want to cry every time I see a baby or a pregnant woman. I gave up the ability to have more children and it hurts. It's hard to get away from that, babies and pregnant women are everywhere. We took the kids to the zoo and we were having a great time, and I saw this woman that was about six months pregnant. I felt such an overwhelming desire for another baby, until I looked up and realized that the mom-to-be looked almost exactly like one of his skanky OW's. It was such a slap in the face. Seeing the thing I want to so much, and then having such a harsh reminder of why I will not be able to have it. It totally ruined our day, I didn't even want my H to look at me, I just wanted to go home and cry.

It's hard, and I can relate to the desire to just run away from the world and escape all of these painful reminders.

It sounds like things are going better for you in general though, and that's great news! Maybe the reminders will get easier to deal with as time passes too!

ElunaInNC, how is your H reacting to the news about his sister? Does he see the same red flags you see? It's possible this situation is triggering him as well as you. Sad, but also an opportunity for you both to show extra care for each other, which would count as LB$ deposits.