Means nothing. Feelings change with the ebb and tide.

Women? Was the a typo, or is there more than one woman that you had an A with at your work?

If you want to be married, then you oughta start looking for another job.

Not good enough. Even if it WERE enough to prevent a relapse, which it WON'T BE - it is cruel torture to expect your wife to be ok watching you go to the OW each and EVERY day.

It would be a violation EVERY day.

Sorry - it's not enough.

Does your company know what you did?

Is the OW married and if so, does her husband know what you have done to him?

This isn't about your FEELINGS for OW...its about what your WIFE need to feel SAFE.

Consider it a test of your commitment -- one that so far you are failing.

You say "I'll do anything" but you don't really mean it.

p.s. you would be better off getting out of there anyway regardless of whether she takes you back or not. I have no doubt that enough people at work know so that your reputation is ruined. Most hiring managers will not promote a cheater.

You are the kind of employee that quietly gets "managed out." Expenses are gone over with a fine tooth comb, hair splitting hyper scrutinization over toll usage, time management, etc. That is what happens to loose cannon employees.

Why don't you talk to your BW about what SHE wants. Does she want you to leave the job immediately without another one lined up? Does she want you out of there within six months? I would start looking for another job NOW (because if you stay with your wife, you definitely won't be able to stay at that job), and discuss what she wants as you transition between jobs. Sure, we all need to pay bills, but sometimes it might benefit your marrriage to endure a little financial hardship for a little while.

Which brings us to.....is the OW married?

menardshawn: As stupid as this might sound place yourself in your wife's position. Would you want HER to work with the person she had an affair with on you?
Would you want HER to see that person even if it were occasionally?
Would you want HER to tell you any of the things your are saying here about why you can not move to another job?

Your answer will probably be NO. We often forget one of the most important rules of life.

TREAT OTHERS HOW WE WOULD LIKE TP BE TREATED!!! As a wife I would take less money and security of being in an intact home then a husband making the same money and have the fear that one day it might just happen again.

menardshawn - I can't argue with anything anyone has said here.
My only response is...I understand the decision you are facing as I too am facing the same decision (with a twist).

My affair is with a woman I work with.
My wife's affair is with a close personal friend of 20 years.

We are both sort of in a stand-off I guess because I don't want to quit my job and she doesn't want to cut ties from our friend-circle. She won't give up this small circle of friends...all of them know what has been going on. I have because I can't be around them. She won't let them go. I've asked she put the divorce on hold (get the signed papers back from the lawyer) while we work on it together. She refuses to do this. She wants me to go to counseling, quit my job, and prove to her I can be the man she needs AND still divorce me...then she'll decide if we will get remarried or not. She will not accept any accountability or be part of this recovery...so I don't plan on quitting my job.

Choosing to stay at my/your job is pretty much a clear message that we aren't ready to do what it takes. I'm struggling with what to do. I'm sure you are too. But the truth is we will never be able to completely END the affair with a co-worker if we are still working with this person. We can tell ourselves we will...and honestly in our hearts BELIEVE it. But a moment of weakness will happen eventually. When it does it will be much worse than it is now.

The only way to recover is no contact for life. When a wayward spouse gets to the place that their statements like "I want my spouse back whatever it takes" and "I want to save my marriage whatever it takes" are finally true, then the wayward will do whatever it takes to make NC happen.

If they won't, then they don't really want to save their marriage.

That's pretty much it.

When I really grasped how horrible my choice to "rut around" (thank you Mel for that accurate image) was....what I "didn't want" to have to do became irrelevant. Trying to negotiate demands with a betrayed spouse is a sign that a wayward spouse doesn't get it.

to be perfectly frank, I tried to have sex is with this woman but could not perform because of the guilt. Other physical acts occured. Me and the OW came to a understanding that it was over. The night my wife accidently found the text messages.

In this forum I'm sorry if I come of like I'm trying to defend my actions and there is now way I can. All of you are right I, I have completely failed in my responsibilities as husband and a father.

If I could go back to the moment all this started and not start talking to this person I would.

By trying to have sex with someone other than your wife you still failed your marriage. It doesn't matter how good or bad you feel, how far you went, how you stopped yourself, or the OW. The damage is done and it can not be undone no matter how much you wish that it were. This is about doing the right thing to fix your marriage. The right thing is to get your wife to trust you. The first step in that is by typing up a resume and applying for jobs.

SO then...what is it mendardshawn?

Are you willing to quit this job and get a new one to get your wife back (hopefully it isn't too late)

The longer you wait the lesser chance you can get your wife back.

Good luck.

You can't go back. Just because you didn't perform, doesn't mean the affair is over. If you and your wife started having problems in the future, you would be more likely to go back to the woman that was meeting your needs before. Men will go back to the same well they know has water, the same cow they know produces good milk in times of extreme thirst. You need to completely remove that supply as an option for your wife to feel safe again.

Let me ask you again what others have and you still haven't answere: Is OW married? My bet is that she is and her husband doesn't know. That needs to change.

So what - you want a cookie? A pat on the back? An 'atta boy?

This is absolutely MEANINGLESS. It doesn't lessen the severity of your crime at all. It does not mitigate the pain you have put your wife and family through.

You 'understanding' with the OW has about as much weight as your marriage vows had the night of this 'incident': NONE.



Defeatism and self-pity wont give you accolades either. Only ACTION will. Only manning up and becoming the husband and father your family needs.

Is the OW married?

Bring your wife here, there are those with experience that can guide her through the pain and anguish she is suffering.

Find another job - anything you can. Leave the OW behind you completely. Compose a No Contact letter, let your wife see it and send it to your OW.

ACTION is what you need now, action spurred by REMORSE.

Not guilt, not defeatism, not pain - ACTION.