With all that we have been through, I feel like the affair is very far behind me (thankfully). However, I'm not sure that this is good for my BH. He is still struggling to even accept that I did this to him. I suppose I am still feeling that way at times, in disbelief that I betrayed him to that degree. But it seems so long ago. I have already changed so much as a person, for the better.

It's only been about two months since our D-Day, so not a lot of time since the affair. Is it okay that I feel like I'm so far beyond it?

You can feel your feelings.

However, how are you helping your poor husband?

Are you saying your far beyond it that your over it? Because if that's the case then its OK.

I was soo over my affair after 6 hours of leaving my home

I even asked my husband if this is normal...not being in withdrawal or anything. I was just soo excited about being back and fixing my marriage, that I didn't even want to think about the OM.

He has many more months if not years to go. The damage and pain caused is inconceivable to those who have not gone through it.

RM,

With all that we have been through, I feel like the affair is very far behind me

It is said that a successful life is the best revenge, if that is true, then the fact that you are feeling OK now is almost like you have had a 2nd revenge on your BH, if your OM has gone on with his life with no ill effects then it compounds the insult even more. So everyone is OK except for him.

You should be honest with him about how you feel, but don't expect him to congratulate you.

God Bless
Gamma

For sapph the A was almost imaginary, like it was just a bad point in her life. For me I count down the months and days since D-Day 2 and exposure. Its been 1 year 2 months since sapph was officially a wayward, 7 months and 7 days since D-Day2, and 5 months 25 days since exposure. It is always there haunting me and I am positive that it is goin to for a long time. Your H may be even more focused on it than I am and its only been 2 months. He is sufering just like all BS here and he will for a very long time, on his own time scale. Very normal.

The only way she can help me right now is by ensuring that she will never do anything like that ever again. Her actions, to put the marriage together and work on us, keeps my mind off the past.

I hope my actions are speaking loud enough that I WILL NEVER EVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!

I think what you might be going through mentally is kind of what happens when you go through a car wreck.

Your brain slows way down, and everything seems like it is in slow motion. Ever have that happen?

Your brain records every single second of motion, of sound, of light as the accident occurs. Like the whole world is shut out, and the entire focus of everything is right there in those few seconds of trauma.

It can be like this for a car accident, falling off a boat, or other major event.

So perhaps what has happened to you was that at the d-day point you began "recording" events, in slow-motion so to speak, and although only a short time has passed your brain is kind of at a critical overload.

You believe you have learned a great deal, and changed a great deal, because so much information has come in over this very short period of time, and your mind has been paying attention to each and every detail in a way that you have not done before in your life.

On top of that, you are USING this information to make rapid changes, to respond to the information as soon as possible - as it comes in.

This can lead to the sense that "things happened fast" and that it seems like a long time ago.

Because - informationally speaking - your brain is telling you that a boatload of information has come through in a very short time!


What is also happening now, is that your brain is beginning to return to a more normal phase, where the incoming info is slowing down, and your reactions are becoming less intense. So you are having a chance to say, "Wow. I have a chance to look back now, to review this huge event. Sure seems like a lot of time has passed!" And you realize, nope, it hasn't. Feels different, though.

A trick of the mind.


What you now need to understand - and be extremely aware of, and even discuss with your husband - is that the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse have very different recovery timelines.

The betrayed spouse may take up to two years to recover from the betrayal and after effects of an affair. There are fairly predictable phases to expect, and the BS needs support from the WS in many ways to get past the steps in recovery.

The WS has work to do at the same time - work in making the BS feel safe, taking extraordinary precautions for example, to protect the marriage and their own boundaries, to make another affair less likely in the future. But the WS does have a fairly predictable recovery curve as well. And your saying that you feel like you are moving through it at this point is, well, pretty predictable.

You have moved through your withdrawal phase. Now, look on the website and see what you need to do to help work on the marriage. You've got loads of work ahead of you.

Don't drop your end of the load quite yet.

Or ever, for that matter!

Your marriage is not "beyond it." Your marriage is lying on the floor still bleeding from the wounds you inflicted.

I talked to "Insomniac" (my hubby) about this last night. We have been through a lot of emotional sludge these past two months, but I understand that we have a lot of work ahead of us. We're planning to participate in a Dynamic Marriage course at a local church. I've put off registering for the course because I wasn't sure that we could find a steady sitter for the kids each week, but I'm trusting that God will provide. Praying for this.

We also attended church together last week, first time in a long time. New church, too, and we both felt it was a good church to return to. This is an answer to prayer. In the past, it's taken us a long time to settle on a church that we both enjoy.

We continue to see our MC. My husband finds this especially comforting to go to. He said he gets anxious beforehand but he appreciates that time for us to talk with a mediator.

I never finished reading the SAA book. I was suffering from self-pity and lack of motivation (depressed feelings) this past month and I should probably resume in my reading. My H's been far more diligent in his reading than me. Joining that Dynamic Marriage course will be good for us-- will keep me motivated to keep on working on the relationship.

I'm realizing that I am not accustomed to working on my marriage. Even pre-affair, I didn't do much "work" towards becoming a better wife, showing love to my husband, etc. We had truly become complacent in our relationship, as I'm sure most couples tend to do after years together. So the "working on" things wears me out at times, but I know this is something I need to get better at.

Any thoughts for us on what we can do at this stage, 2 months past D-day and NC steadily being upheld? My H's latest concern is that I will lose interest in him and look elsewhere again. I understand that I need to continually tell him and show him that he's the only guy for me, and I plan on doing that.

One other question:
Sometimes I feel like we're in a "honeymoon stage" of affair recovery because we're falling in love again, bringing us back emotionally to our younger days. My H has felt similarly. Has anyone else felt this way? And, any advice on how to merge into the next stage?

The difference between MB and other "programs" is that MB teaches you a "way of life" to have a happy, loving and successful marriage. It tells you the things you need to put into place to FALL in love and STAY in love. Eventually, you'll forget you're even "practicing" MB methods, you'll be "living" them as if they were second nature. It won't feel like "work".

There is no next stage. That is the GOAL. The goal of MB is create and maintain romantic love. No next stage other than maintenance.

Your "honeymoon" feelings are normal for early recovery.


The fact that your husband is doing most of the work to repair the marriage will come back to bite YOU in the butt.

He will become very resentful of you - because you admit not doing the reading, not working...and now you are here saying, "Oh, I feel like things are so much better already....."


They are NOT better. Not by a long shot.

How do I know?

I have been a betrayed spouse whose husband would not do the work.

He would not READ - he decided he was "tired" of talking.


And wanted to take a break from it all.


yep

It leads to frustration and ANGER - so you need to get your fanny back into gear.

I see you say that you were in the "poor me" mode, so you decided you needed a break from the work of your marriage.


Wow.

He// if I did that, my marriage would have failed 34 years ago, the first time my H had a ONS, honey.

I have to hit you with a 2X4 for your attitude on this. Your expectation to have a leisurely relationship sounds like you are in a full TAKER mode - you expect everything to be given to you, no work added??????

That is what every teenager in the world wants. Take a look at your age, and figure out what makes the world go around.

It is called "work", and there is not a relationship on earth that succeeds without both people putting effort into it.


You will likely say to me, "But love is unconditional, Schoolbus."

I have a response to that.

"Love may be unconditional, but relationships ARE conditional."

You could very well end up watching a man say to you,

"I love you, but I can no longer stay married to you. You want me to do all the work, and that is NOT a marriage."


Consider your options.


2X4 over.


You have been to school today, from someone who has been there herself.

Schoolbus

It is important to understand the "honeymoon feelings" are the GOAL. But those feelings will be mutual in a recovered marriage. That is not supposed to be a condition of early recovery, but for ALL recovery, and for both spouses. That is the GOAL.

If you are not feeling honeymoon feelings with your husband, that is probably due to a lack of UA time.

Redeem_Me, I don't know ... I think about where I was 2 months after my affair ended, and while it felt a helluva lot better than D-day, looking back, I cringe over how screwed-up I still was inside, over how I'd yet to fully come to terms with how selfish I'd been. Two months out, I counted myself lucky (because I surely was), but I didn't count myself recovered. Two months out, my wife & I still had another 2 months of appointments with our marriage counselor. And you haven't even finished SAA.

You may feel that you're a better person than you were, which is OK as far as it goes; but you can't let yourself feel "past it" in the sense that your husband is surely not "past it." You need to gauge & judge how you feel in terms of how he feels. You can't be OK if he's not OK. And only 2 months out, I guarantee you that there are days when he's not OK.

Yes. Not "probably." You should resume, period.

A better marriage is its own reward.

People have these silly ideas that there's a special "soulmate" for each person, and that only marriages where "soulmates" happen to have found each other will be very happy; or the notion that love in a marriage comes from "chemistry" existing naturally. I used to think that way, but it's nonsense. You will be soulmates when you treat each other as soulmates. Chemistry doesn't just happen; people can & must create it. Saying that '"working on" things wears me out at times' and that you need to get better at it, is just excuses. Excuses will get you to shared custody and 2 households instead of one on your current incomes (minus the lawyers' share).

What "next stage" are you talking about, Redeem_Me? The feeling of falling in love & being in love with your spouse is what it's all about. You need to be doing things for one another that create excitement, mystery, the sense that you are pursuing one another. There are restaurants you've yet to eat at, games you've never played together, classic books (or heck, cheap paperbacks) that you've never read together & discussed, cards you've never sent, special dinners you've never cooked for each other, post-it notes that say "I can't wait to see you tonight!" that you've never stuck inside his car before he goes to work in the morning, places he's never taken you on walks, sports you've never played together, messages you've never written for him in lipstick on the bathroom mirror for him to see (true aside: my wife pulled that one on me today, for me to see when I got home from work -- 2nd time in 18+ years of marriage she's done that, and it thrilled & melted me). There are clothes you've never bought & worn for him, suggestive voice-mails he's never left for you, Oscar-winning movies you've never seen together, surprise presents you've never bought for each other on a day that wasn't a birthday or Christmas or anniversary, but "just because". That kind of stuff might sound silly & unprofound, but it's what gets us through the times when one has to work late, or when the kid is sick for 3 days in a row & no one had time to cook dinner, or when the car breaks down & eats up the whole tax refund, or when the unwashed laundry has piled up 4 feet high, or when we get hit by any of the other crap life tosses around. Somehow a silly, unanticipated but heartfelt "I [heart] U!" in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror makes all life's crap not matter. That's what you're aiming for. That's what this "UA time" stuff is all about. That's the lane you should be merging into.

Redeem_Me, I think you have a long way to go, but I think you have the ability to get there, with your husband, if that's your choice.

I hope your husband will come around here sometime.

Bingo!!

GO makes some VERY good points. I used to look at my parents (who have been married 49 years and still have "it"). I was amazed; they made it seem so effortless and natural. Of course it isn't effortless...but for them it is natural because they have made a life out of caring for each other. They worked at having time together, communicating, negotiating, etc. THAT is why it works so well.

There is never a time when we meet our marital work quota. When we say "we have arrived" and can just coast. Marriage is a lot like laundry...it doesn't have an end That is something that I have come to realize over the last few years. DH is still not really in that mode, but then he saw a M growing up that took a back seat to children and practicality until he and his sis were grown.

2 months after D-Day, my H and I were in a honeymoon as well. But there was still a lot of pain: me because I couldn't believe what I horrible thing I had done and how much hurt I had caused, and him because I shattered all the trust he had ever had in me and broken his heart.

I would pick up SAA right now and roll up your sleeves. 2 months D-Day is still "I will crawl over hot coals and across broken glass if I have to" time.

The honeymoon period after the affair is called "hysterical bonding" here. This period will unfortunately end after reality starts to sink in few months from d-day.

I (we) had it, I know. There are very rough times ahead, be prepared.

The honeymoon phase will only remain when you maintain. It takes lots and lots of work on both sides to keep it up. If you feel you are losing the honeymoon phase then you and your husband are not doing enough to maintain it.

To help maintain this phase with sapph we often take inventory on how well we are meeting each others needs, and how we are doigng at LBs. We follow MB principles to the T and it does take a lot of time, but if done correctly you should have 20 hours of UA time to work on these things each week.

The next step is to fine tune the maintanance, learn more with your husband and if you or he feels thing slip, evaluate where you are failing on the MB principles, and you will notice that you are not executing UA time correctly.