Oh great - another web site designed to help people reconnect with friends from the past. The commercial on TV shows a young woman delighted that 7 people are looking for her. She even muses that one may be an old boyfriend. As a victim of a Facebook driven EA, all I can say is 'good grief'.

Yes, good grief. These sites should be reserved for men/women who were in the army and want to connect with old buddies of the same gender.

What they don't say in the commercial is that she is married with 3 little kids, and a kind friendly husband who helps provide a comfortable living, but he is absent just enough not to notice her chatting with xBF.

I used Mylife to find out info on PP. It was a good tool for snooping and if anyone was looking for her. Also pipl.com is another site.

Here is my opinion of mylife. It is a web site that one can use to find people. If a find my elementary school pal, Becky, great. If I go looking for my college ex-fiance, "Jon," that is on me. It isn't mylife's fault. Affairs are not myspace-driven, facebook-driven, mylife-driven, email-driven, cell phone-driven....they are selfishness driven, choice driven, and lack or boundary driven.

If I pick up a hammer and bash someone's head in, it isn't the hammer's fault.

Amen, Luri!

Great post Luri!

Absolutely!

G'day, BK. Long time no see...

(Short enough for ya?)



[\tj]

I totally agree with Luri. I have used Facebook to find 2 friends that I grew up with from ages 8-15 and then lost contact with until I found them facebook. Found another friend I hadn't spoken with in 3 years.

Don't blame facebook and social networking sites for the cause of affairs. Blame the people with poor boundaries and allow themself to have affairs.

I can't say that I totally agree. Affairs are an addiction, and social networking sites tend to become vehicles to help feed the addiction.

Your analogy to a hammer doesn't fit. Using a hammer cannot cause an addiction to bashing someone's head. Using a social networking site CAN help cause an addiction to unwise relationships and to EAs.

Social networking sites are, for the most part, good. But there are many studies showing that they have caused many, many issues in otherwise stable relationships. It may not even be the fact that many affairs start there because someone found an old flame, but there are many, many stories of people spending hours and hours on these sites, as well as chat rooms, and neglecting their families and friends. They are addicting.

My problem with the Mylife commercial is the way it's presented as this wonderful tool to 'find old friends' when many of us have been victimized by these 'old friends' who come on to our spouses because they have no life, no character, no soul. The OM in our situation was a total loser who started with the 'I don't know why we never got together when we were younger, we were really made for each other' blah, blah, blah garbage. He's a predator who contacted Mrs. Linus at a bad time in her life, and she was weak enough to fall for his lines. Then, once she was addicted to the attention, she couldn't stop. This would never have happened if there was no FB. The commercial should carry a disclaimer - 'Mylife is not responsible for all the heartache that may well be caused by old relationships being rekindled at the expense of innocent spouses and families'.

I understand there's a lot more to marital issues than social networking sites, but seeing them promoted this way has the same affect on me and thousands of others as a beer commercial must have on the victim of an abusive alcoholic or a casino commercial on the victim of a gambling addict.

Linus

"It may not even be the fact that many affairs start there because someone found an old flame, but there are many, many stories of people spending hours and hours on these sites, as well as chat rooms, and neglecting their families and friends. They are addicting."

The above quote I can definitely agree with. I was guilty of this for awhile, even though there was no EA going on. I had myself this whole little virtual world going on, but no real people with skin on in my life (except those who lived in my house). That was not healthy at all. And DH and I went through a time where we were sitting physically side by side on the couch, but he was engrossed in runescape or kingdoms of Camelot, and I was on forums and stuff. We might as well have been in different countries.

I guess my objection to saying sites "cause" infidelity is that, in the final analysis, the cheater CHOSE to cheat, and blaming an outside source or outside person becomes a slippery slope. I mean, if I can say that my bipolar made me do it or facebook made me do it....before long I start slipping other things under the blame umbrella too.

The key, I think, with the online things is to find someone who enjoys them like you do.

Like, say, Warcraft. My boyfriend and I both play together so it brings us closer together.

It's all in how you use the site.

Affairs are people being selfish and making bad decisions. Some people have addictive personalities. But it's a choice. We don't do away with liquor stores because alcoholics will fuel their addiction. We shouldn't do away with social networking because people don't have enough self control to make the right decisions.



Maybe. But if I get on facebook it is my choice whether I persue that EA or not. People know what they are doing is wrong. Yet they still do it.


So is WoW or table top role playing like Dungeons and Dragons. So are shooting firearms. Throwing for me is addicting, working out is addicting, going shopping can be addicting.


I would say those that allowed themself to be persued are just as souless and just as much to blame. Just because you start getting some nice attention from someone does not mean your persue this.

There are plenty of posters on here that are betrayed. They were not getting needs met. They were on facebook or social networking sites. They chose not to cheat. It's a choice. Let's place blame to where it should be placed.

Chill out. I am not placing blame on social sites. I am merely stating that I am offended by the tone of the commercials for the mylife site, and I inagine that any spouse victimized by an affair that was started with 'innocent' connections via one of these sites feels the same. They are triggers for us. Anyone with an addictive nature will confirm how difficult and painful it is to break away from something they're addicted to. It is no longer a choice for them. Believe me - I am helping my wife struggle to break away from the addiction of FB. It is very real.

Hooking up with an old flame is not an "innocent connection." I think that would fall more under "poor boundaries."

I agree. There is no,zero,none, nada valid reason to EVER have contact with any ex...ever. And when a WS tries to place the blame for their poor boundaries on an outside source, I think of the twinkie defense. Awhile back someone wanted to deduce that being a teacher made one automatically suceptable to being wayward. Bottom line, being a selfish, boundary-less 'ho knows no favortism.

Doesn't have to be an old flame. I'm with you there - that's asking for trouble and is ill advised. In most cases it's a childhood fried, a former college friend, an ex coworker. As Dr. H explains, we are all susceptable to cheating on a spouse. It just takes the right mixture of events, circumstances, etc.. Sites that promote connecting with old friends and make it easy to see who's looking for you just make it easier to slip. We are all human.

Would love to see a series of radio/TV PSAs (public service announcements) illustrating exactly this.

Would also love to see adultery treated like the public health problem that it is. For some reason, it is ignored and swept under the rug by news media whenever they cover a murder and/or suicide.

And military authorities act like they can't figure out why there's such a high suicide rate among returning veterans. Looking to see if one or both spouses was cheating ought to be the first thing they do, but I have never heard it addressed.

Unless people in general, and people in authority in particular, start taking this stuff seriously it will NEVER get any better.

Here's the thing - there are hundreds, maybe thousands - of threads on this site with a title that goes something along the lines of 'My wife/husband is having an emotional affair with someone they connected with on Facebook/Myspace'.
I haven't seen anyone note that an affair started on WoW or D&D or working out (although I guess that's possible) or shopping, etc.
There is a brand new thread on SAA started by a husband who's wife is in an EA with someone she hooked up with on guess what - Facebook. An old childhood friend - they were 'meant to be', 'true soul mates', blah, blah, blah.

Again, no one is blaming these sites for causing an affair, but the sites sure make it easier for people to find their long lost 'soul mate'. And Mylife makes it easy for one to see if that long lost 'soul mate' is looking for them! How cool is that!