My wife and I have been been married 20 years. About 5 months ago she met OM while we were traveling in another state while on vacation. It actually started with him being friends with the both of us. He is single and took us out to different places while we were in town. We all exchanged cell phone numbers and then my wife and I left town to head back to our home state. They kept communicating with each other after we left. They were constantly having long phone conversations, texting and sending pictures of themselves to each other through their phone, etc. I have access to her cell phone records so she knows that I know she is doing this to me. At first she said they were just friends and that he makes her laugh. Later after a month or so, she confessed to me that they had deep feelings for each other and that he wanted to start a life with her. I told her that she was having an EA. It was wrong, and it needed to stop. She told me that she is confused and didn't know why this happened. She has told me 3 times in the past 5 months that she would end it. I even have been contacting OM to tell him it needed to stop and he also said he would end it on several occasions. It is still going on. My wife told me she couldn't seem to end it with him because they really care for each other.

I have already exposed her EA to both our families. It has stressed her out that everyone knows now but she still won't quit. She told me earlier that she doesn't know what to do and that maybe she needs to go to mental institution.

We have 3 kids together and her EA has put a tremendous amount of strain on our family. Can somebody tell me what I need to do to get this to stop?

Have you exposed to anyone on OM's side of the fence? Are you sure he is single? Do you know where he lives? Does he have a Facebook account? Do you know where he works?

Were your WW and OM ever alone during your vacation?

Does your wife work?

Do you pay for the cell phone service?

Oh, welcome to MB. Stick around, you can learn ALOT about how to fight this.

END IT FOR HER!

Your wife in now an addict. She is trying to put down the bottle but is having trouble stopping. Dump out all the bottles in the house.

Pretend this was your teenage daughter talking long distance to a 40 year-old man. Set up the parental controls and blocks. Block this guy's phone number, delete his contact info from her phone (even do the missed calls, texts, etc.), change your WW's phone number, block OM's phone number, block his email address, put spy software on the computer than will keep your wife from visiting social networking sites. Starve this affair to death. She's not going to do it on her own, so you need to do it for her. Once she's gotten through withdrawal and the addiction has passed, you can put the pieces of your marriage back together. While you are choking this affair to death, also make sure you understand what her ENs and LBs are and try and start meeting the ENs she will allow you to meet.

Yes, I am sure he is single. There's not really anybody I could expose to on his side. He has no siblings, his mother passed away and his father lives in a different state. He has alot of friends in his town that goes out with all the time. His roomate knows about it because he told me once when I called his house. I do know where he lives. He invited my wife and I to his house for a barbeque when we were over there on vacation. He does have a facebook account that he uses all the time. However, he removed me as a friend after I called him the first time to tell him to leave my wife alone. He actually worked at the hotel where my wife and I stayed while on vacation. But he was fired last week from his job. I called the hotel and they confirmed this. So, now he is unemployed.

My wife was alone with him for some brief periods when I left the hotel to go do things. Again, I thought he was being friendly to us both, so I didn't think anything of it. But I now I am beginning to wonder if something might have happened between them when I was gone.

My wife does not work right now. She quit her job 2 months ago because I moved our family to another city. I moved us all back to our hometown where both of our families live. I made the move because I thought with her being around our families she might be distracted and would end her EA. Obviously didn't work.

I currently pay all our bills including cell phone service.

Thanks very much for helping me with this. I need all the help I can get right now!

Okay, you can bet that this is more than an EA. They've already done the deed.

Jim is right, you MUST kill the affair before you do anything else. Cut off all avenues of life for the affair. Your wife will be PO'd but your marriage can survive her anger, it can't survive the affair.

Have you told your children what's going on? Don't tell your wife you're going to do this, just do it in an age appropriate way. How old are they by the way?

LD,

Have you read this thread yet?

Get rid of her phone
get rid of her FB account
Block his phone number
Block his email
Block his FB account (actually BLOCK FB PERIOD!!)

Put a keylogger on your computer just in case she doesn't try to contact him again.

Thanks for your advice. I agree that it is an addiction now.

I have been going through her EN's LB's. I have also been actively following plan A. But it is becoming really difficult since I am stil able to see her phone usage and all the constant texts, phone calls, sent & received pitures, etc. It hurts me so much!

It won't hurt if you don't have to see them because you cancelled or blocked it all.

Keep an eye out for "affair phones" or calling cards and destroy them upon discovery. I know I had to destroy a couple of calling cards until the addiction subsided.

I have been thinking the same thing lately. I just can't believe she could of done this with a guy she just met. We were only there for 4 days!

Yes, our children are aware of what's going on. They have known for a while. We have 2 boys ages 19 and 13 and a girl age 9.

Get rid of everything you can and say if she wants to communicate with this OM then she HAS to leave this HOUSE! You will no longer tolerate this behavior from your wife.

I will do this, but I truly think she'll continue anyway and find ways around it. Maybe buy a prepaid cell phone or something.

Smash it. Eventually she'll get the picture that you won't tolerate it. She just needs to realize that you have the stronger will.

Welcome to MB. Have you gotten the book "Surviving An Affair" yet? Yes, your WW is deeply entrenched in her "addiction" whether it be EA or PA. Either one hurts you and your family deeply. Put a keylogger on her computer. Expose to her family if you have not done so already. You can expose to OM's friends via facebook once your get your WW's password from the keylogger.

Call the MB counseling center and get a plan in action to save your 20 year M.

Whatever you do, do not be soft and wimpy with your WW about this. WW's walk all over the BH's and the weaker the BH the less likely she will end the A. DO NOT leave your home. If she will not end the A, then she will need to move out without your financial support.

Oh and I agree with sapphire that you need to cut off her cell phone account. Do not finance her adultery.

Start separating your accounts so she can't use YOUR money to pay for the prepaid phone!

Get her off your account....or open a new one and put all of your money into that one!

I have not gotten the book yet, but I plan to do so very soon. I already have the keylogger on our computer and have her facebook password. What's the best way to expose to his friends? Post something on his wall? It would appear that the post is being done by her.. What should I say?

I will definitely contact the MB counseling center and get a plan in place ASAP.

I need some advice on how not to appear soft & wimpy as I go through this. This has been a great concern of mine. How should I carry on our conversations with her? I don't not want her to think she can continue to walk all over me, but at the end of the day, she is no matter what I say. We talk about this often, so I want make sure I am saying the right things to her.

I feel like a broken record telling her everyday that she needs to end her A. It does no good obviously. So, should I continue to demand this and if so, how often? She still calls me and texts me frequently. After our conversations, she always tells me that she loves me. I am an honest man when it comes to feelings and I feel that she is being a hypocrite by telling me this. I find it hard sometimes to tell her that I love her back.

I agree that I need to cut off her cell phone. I know this will seriously piss her off. I am concerned that it will push her further away from me.

I opened myself a new account a few weeks ago. I did tell her about it. I transferred some money into it, but I could not bring myself to stop my direct deposit from my job from going into the old account. I travel frequently for my work and I don't want to deal with giving her an "allownace" every payday. There could be unexpected expenses with stuff and I would hate for my kids to suffer because of it.

Also, I felt that doing this would be interpreted by her that I was no longer willing to try to work things out. It seems like a big step to me because I have been the primary breadwinner in our family ever since we got married over 20 years ago. BTW, we were both 19 years old when we got married. We were high school sweethearts.

Here is a great thread for you to read to begin with

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2376609&page=1

I will look up the carrot and the stick of plan A thread for you as well. Part of plan A (you can read about plan A and plan B at the top of the website under basic concepts) is to accept that contact will continue. You don't demand. You don't beg or plead or bargain. You identify what problems YOU have brought to the marriage and work on becoming a better you and a better H. This is not to say the A is your fault. Part of plan A is being a better spouse. Identify and meet your WW's top emotional needs without expectation of her meeting your needs. That is the carrot of plan A.

The stick is exposure, not funding the affair etc.

Here is the carrot and stick of plan A thread

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184&page=1