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I'll do those things she is demanding (and happy to do them), but don't make demands on me if she isn't willing to do what I need for me too. I have needs she must be willing to comply with also. BOTH of us need to walk away from the OM/OW...but only 1 of us will at least say we are willing. Actions certainly speak louder...but we could start with words and take action from there. I see a bunch of excuses. If neither of you cares enough to drop your respective OP, then your marriage is over. Period. They say that a sure sign of real change in someone is when they change for themselves, not for someone else. You should be leaving this OW not because you're wife wants you to but because it's the right thing to do for yourself and your own well-being. You obviously don't have much respect for this OW anyway if you can drop her so quickly, so just get it over with already. If you become a better person by doing the right things here (most importantly: leaving the OW), someone your wife wants to be married to, you're a lot more likely to keep her than playing these 'I'll do it if you do it' games. We're not talking about jumping off the high dive in grade school here. This is your life, and you're going to throw it away based on this immature bs? Maybe she'll want to make it work, maybe she won't, but if you aren't willing to make this step even for your wife, for your kids, or for yourself, then just get over it -- you're done.
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Dang it...why won't you people just tell me what I WANT to hear instead of what I NEED to hear. You're all no help at all.  Seriously guys I hate to admit it but I know you're right. I think I've always known. It reminds me of the monologue from "Scent of a Woman" when Al Pacino is addressing the school assembly and he says: I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it.
You know why?
It was too damn hard. I don't know if I'm going to make the right choice. I visited with my Pastor last night and have another meeting with him on Thursday afternoon. My wife won't come (I did invite her) because she still needs this divorce to happen. She doesn't want to work on "us" until after we're divorced and she sees ME change. Whatever...I'm not doing anything for her anymore. I'm doing it for me and my girls.
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I don't know if I'm going to make the right choice. ...I'm not doing anything for her anymore. I'm doing it for me and my girls. Make the right choice for your girls. Drop the OW. Change your actions and attitudes. Commit to becoming the BEST possible mate any woman could ask for. Expose to the OMs family. You MUST change. The man you are right now - isn't worth being in a relationship with.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Captain I am no long term member but I wanted you to know that after reading your original topic/thread and now this one I can see clearly how frustrated you both are. NOW having said that at some point someone has to be the "bigger" person and step out on a limb. You are professing it is you yet you are only willing to do so much. This is a leap of faith. JUST DO IT! Write the NC letter, drop the OW, show your WIFE your actions are true and she will more then likely follow.
You are both hurt but that doesn't matter anymore HEALING is your game plan you said so you have to begin your journey and she MAY follow even if she chooses to NOT follow you are doing the right thing by bettering yourself.
STOP your affair, STOP contact, SHOW your WIFE you are the worthy man she married show your wife your actions.
Me-32-FWW/Him-35-CWH
DD/PA-3/10
Expo-6/16/10
PC-7/16/10-9/25/10
Moved out 8/12/10
PLAN B-9/25/10 A light shade of Gray.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, " I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes" Eleanor Roosevelt
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I'm disappointed. Really disappointed. Cpt, have you told the OW you really want to fix your marriage? You can't be honest or faithful to either one.
You know what I think? I think what's driving all this is fear. You're afraid of being alone, that's why you won't break it off with OW without a pledge from your STBXW. That's why you insist she stops the divorce in order for you to know she's not wondering where things might go with OM. So, how you know that the reason you want to save your marriage isn't just because you're scared to pieces?
Fear is an excellent short-term motivator, but it makes a lousy long-term master.
There is no guarantee that if you stop seeing other women, your wife will come around and you two will be able to save your marriage. But, the fact that you are dating someone when you believe your heart belongs to another makes me question whether you have the character to be a good spouse.
Your actions are harming other people.
Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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From another thread: menardshawn - I can't argue with anything anyone has said here.
My only response is...I understand the decision you are facing as I too am facing the same decision (with a twist).
My affair is with a woman I work with.
My wife's affair is with a close personal friend of 20 years.
We are both sort of in a stand-off I guess because I don't want to quit my job and she doesn't want to cut ties from our friend-circle. She won't give up this small circle of friends...all of them know what has been going on. I have because I can't be around them. She won't let them go. I've asked she put the divorce on hold (get the signed papers back from the lawyer) while we work on it together. She refuses to do this. She wants me to go to counseling, quit my job, and prove to her I can be the man she needs AND still divorce me...then she'll decide if we will get remarried or not. She will not accept any accountability or be part of this recovery...so I don't plan on quitting my job.
Choosing to stay at my/your job is pretty much a clear message that we aren't ready to do what it takes. I'm struggling with what to do. I'm sure you are too. But the truth is we will never be able to completely END the affair with a co-worker if we are still working with this person. We can tell ourselves we will...and honestly in our hearts BELIEVE it. But a moment of weakness will happen eventually. When it does it will be much worse than it is now. How sad. She will not accept any accountability or be part of this recovery...so I don't plan on quitting my job. I thought you had turned the corner. I thought you were going to stand up for your family and do what needed to be done. You don't get rewarded for doing the right thing. You don't do the right thing for a reward. You do the right thing BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING. You need to leave your job. It is the only way to excise the OW from your life. And she must be completely purged from it - whether you divorce or not. You demonstrate you are worthy of a relationship FIRST, then you have a chance at recovery. I guess the vets are right. You are a lost cause.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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No one is a lost cause.
And honestly, I cannot endorse anyone quitting their job in this economy unless they have another one lined up. The situation is a mess already, we don't need to add being unemployed to the mix.
Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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Fear is an excellent short-term motivator, but it makes a lousy long-term master.
 THIS IS GREAT !!!!!!!!!!
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No one is a lost cause.
And honestly, I cannot endorse anyone quitting their job in this economy unless they have another one lined up. The situation is a mess already, we don't need to add being unemployed to the mix. I'm sorry that people don't understand this, but believe it or not I actually DO have to provide financially for my family. Take off the rose-colored glasses for a few minutes and step back from the statistics to see that finding a job (especially in my profession) is almost impossible. A lot of companies like mine have actually gone out of business in the last 2 years. The OW and I don't actually work "together". We are in different departments and I rarely see her at work (maybe once a week) and it's just in passing down the hall or something. And I found out yesterday afternoon that she actually has 2 interviews scheduled for a new job this week and next, so I'm sure has he11 not going to quit this job knowing she is making plans to leave.
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C76:
We ask if YOU are leaving your job, as this shows a committment to fixing what is broken.
Everything else is just playing both sides of the fence.
IF OW leaves the company, then that is great. In the meantime, your marriage will continue to crumble. And your 6 week time frame grows shorter.
You can tell her to be "Cool" for 7 weeks, right?
I was coming up with all the same excuses as you when I was in the middle of my affair. I even left the company where she worked with me. But that wasn't enough to end the A.
And I understand the economy as well as anyone. You don't cut loose with out another place to go. So you start finding someplace else to GO WORK. It going to take you a number of months maybe to find another job. So get on IT.
If you want to save your marraige, you may have to do some things that make you uncomfortable to do it.
Leaving a job is one of them.
Sending a "No Contact" letter to your OW.
Telling your employer WHY you can't be in the same room with OW, nor work with her on projects, nor be around her in any way.
That's a start.
You can do these things, if you are committed. They are not easy.
LG
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Today current wife said "DO not call or text me at all unless it is about the kids..."
I was just calling to see if she wanted to meet me at the counseling session tonight with our Pastor. She had expressed an interest in doing this a couple days ago. Don't know what happened between now and then. I came to work and went home the last couple days - other than a stop or 2 at the house to see the kids...which were uneventful.
She said doesn't matter what I do or don't do...divorce is happening. I don't know if the OM has contacted her or what the deal is. But she's saying with absolute certainty...she's GONE.
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Have you exposed the OMs family to his behavior?
What have you done to clean up your side of the street? Are you seeking employment elsewhere? Have you sent a NC letter to your OW?
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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all decisions you plan on making are only contigent "if" wife does this or that or says this or that.
You want to save your M -- then do what YOU have to do without the expectations of what she is planning.
Actions speak - words mean nothing.
Have you put a resume together?
Have you written a NC letter?
Did you go to the counseling session alone?
I have seen many MBers save their marriages when they were the only ones fighting for it.
You are jumping both sides of the fences.
The only ship you are sailing is the one that is going down in the toilet in the "tidy bowl" commercial.
Everytime anyone asks what YOU are doing, you refer back to your wife...
Go to the mirror and ask the man in the mirror the questions YOU should be asking.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Have you put a resume together?
No
Have you written a NC letter?
No
Did you go to the counseling session alone?
Yes - and I was given some tools to use...but I haven't yet.
I have seen many MBers save their marriages when they were the only ones fighting for it.
Don't know what MBer means, so don't know how to respond
You are jumping both sides of the fences.
Yes...I know it. Every time I think about trying to go home I see her with him...which isn't fair because I'm sure she sees the same thing when she looks at me.
Everytime anyone asks what YOU are doing, you refer back to your wife...
I got nothing...this is true.
Go to the mirror and ask the man in the mirror the questions YOU should be asking.
When I ask those questions (I have repeatedly)...I never have an answer.
Have you exposed the OMs family to his behavior?
No - I haven't done this. I don't think it's my place to do that.
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If you won't ACT to save your marriage, you won't have a marriage. If you won't ACT then why should your wife? Your standing their arms folded wanting some guarantee. There are no guarantees. We do the right things because they are the right things, not to get the reward. We do them for the possibility of a good result, accepting that the result may turn out bad or not how we wanted but knowing that we've grown for the better through the process. You are allowing the hoped for reward to motivate you. Only if the odds are good of you getting your desired result will you commit to a plan of action. But this strategy will only lose you EVERYTHING in the end, not just your family, but your integrity and self respect as well. The integrity and self-respect you have already abdicated through your despicable adultery. Reclaim it! Do the right thing because it will make you a better father, future husband and in general all around person. If you get back your family, that would be WONDERFUL. That is the goal we all hope for. But if it didn't happen at least you will have tried. At least you will have become a man WORTHY of his family. Sometimes we fight the good fight and fail. But at least we FOUGHT. We didn't roll over and take it. Have you put a resume together?
No
Put a Resumee together. You need NC from this woman, whether your marriage survives or not. You need her out of your life. You will be too tempted to keep a relationship with her, especially if you divorce. Your loneliness will drive you to her, hurting both your own recovery and your innocent children.
Do this for yourself and your children. You may not get your wife back, but it just may give you a chance.
Have you written a NC letter?
No
Write the NC letter. Excise this woman from your life. Become a man worth admiring. Become a man worthy of the love of your children. Refuse to debase yourself with a woman who treated you and your marriage like dirt. Refuse to continue to lower yourself by consorting with someone who profoundly abused and disrespected your children.
Did you go to the counseling session alone?
Yes - and I was given some tools to use...but I haven't yet.
USE the tools. Use them because it is the right thing to do. Use them so you don't wind up right back in this spot 5 years from now, with another woman and another child with tear filled eyes. USE the tools to become a better man.
I have seen many MBers save their marriages when they were the only ones fighting for it.
Don't know what MBer means, so don't know how to respond
MBer is a Marriage Builder. If you fight to Build your marriage you may just get it back. However, if you don't then you will get a better marriage the next time around - years in the future when you are a better man than you are now.
You are jumping both sides of the fences.
Yes...I know it. Every time I think about trying to go home I see her with him...which isn't fair because I'm sure she sees the same thing when she looks at me.
Your motivation needs to come from WITHIN YOU. From your own internal strength. From your own sense of right and wrong. You shouldn't be waiting for cues from your wife. Be the ACTOR, not the acted UPON. In other words ACT, don't REACT. Strength comes from action. Weakness comes from letting others dictate our reaction. Act from strength.
Everytime anyone asks what YOU are doing, you refer back to your wife...
I got nothing...this is true.
Decide what YOU want. Set your goal, and ACT to achieve your goal.
You may not get your wife back, but by being strong, she will recognize and admire that strength. By being strong you have a CHANCE at getting her back. But even if you don't - the new man you become will be a better man and father to your children.
Do what is right for YOU.
Go to the mirror and ask the man in the mirror the questions YOU should be asking.
When I ask those questions (I have repeatedly)...I never have an answer.
That is because you are waiting for your wife to give you the answer. Don't look to your wife. Look within YOU. You are in control of your life, not your wife. Take the power you have given her back. YOU be the ACTOR in your life.
Have you exposed the OMs family to his behavior?
No - I haven't done this. I don't think it's my place to do that.
It IS your place to do this. If he didn't want to be involved with the ugliness of divorce and exposure, he wouldn't have gotten mixed in with a married woman. This is a natural consequence of his poor moral character. The world should know what type of man this is so they can protect themselves from him. Your wife's family should know what type of man this is so they can aid you in sheltering your children from him.
Men who live lives with nothing to hide fear nothing. Your wife's OM is not that man. He is weak and cowardly. YOU hold the power here, not him. Expose his weakness for all, including your wife, to see. I assure you he won't look so attractive, scrambling to repair the damage his cowardly acts have created.
Man up Captain. Put this ugliness away, cast off your sins, become a man worthy of the love of his children.
Last edited by Vibrissa; 08/27/10 09:15 AM. Reason: fix formatting
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Vibrissa...part of me hates it when you reply because I know I won't like what you've written. Then part of me knows already what you will write every time.
Thank you all for your feedback and replies.
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Vibrissa...part of me hates it when you reply because I know I won't like what you've written. Then part of me knows already what you will write every time.  Just doin' my job, man! If you won't listen to the voice in your head (the conscience, not the crazy voice), maybe you listen to someone else!
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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You still out there, Cap? This is your MB conscience calling. Hoping you are making progress on becoming a better man.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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You know - I wrote a big long response just now talking about all the things I did/tried to do by using the tools I got from my Pastor...but all of it was really just crap. So I deleted it.
Have I taken the REAL steps that need to be taken...no.
Am I going to...I don't know.
I really don't know if I even want to.
Last edited by Captain76; 08/30/10 11:11 AM.
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You can do it Cap - you really can.
It's overwhelming because it seems so much. Small steps. One at a time.
First - a resume. Might be a good exercise no matter the circumstances. Today - work on the resume.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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