Blueskies.
Keep letting us know how you're doing.
So...I know how you feel. I've felt and sometimes still feel obligated to my ex husband. Totally. It's a control thing, and I still feel the effects sometimes of his control. The thing that has changed dramatically though is that I'm willing to take MY WORD about what is good for me and right for me and for what I think OVER HIS. I trust me. So yah, I stumble and fall and sometimes feel obligated to him, but I know I can figure out what's best for me and I do not believe that is him.
In fact, the more I read your post, the more I remembered how awful things were between us. You definitely are in an even worse situation so I can't even imagine the strength you've had to gather together to leave and stay gone.
Believe it that you'll have times of weakness, this is why you need strong support like ALanon. We're not so much unlike alcoholics in our behavior you know. Our addiction is helping them, fixing them, getting them to understand. Right? We sometimes try to get sober (leave them, stop trying to fix them or get them to see the light, stop checking their liquor habits, etc) and then we fall off our own wagons (believe them, trust them even though they're not trustworthy, take them back, deny their lying, get mad, start checking into their habits again, etc).
The key is breaking the pattern. In ALANON, they teach you this "If nothing changes, nothing changes." Simple. But SO true.
On forgiveness, you'll forgive yourself in time of your mistakes. But, we've all made mistakes. You won't be able to forgive yourself, I think, when your kids grow up and start exhibiting signs from having grown up in an abusive home should you stay with this guy.
I assumed you've been the sober one all this time. Of course. That's because you're not an alcoholic. That's why I asked you how many times you go binge drinking; I asked it to make a point. I've been drinking like that maybe twice in ten years. That's cuz I am not an alcoholic. I can have half a beer every few months and it really doesn't matter to me. If I get mad or sad, I get more rest. Or I exercise. Or talk on the phone.
Anyhow, I'm not surprised to hear he's been drinking but saying he isn't. So he admits he's an alcoholic? Ok. I'm certain he's in denial of how serious it is and how much it screws up his life and destroys everyone around him. I personally don't think the anger and alcoholism are separate. I think they go hand in hand. My ex was an angry man. And I hated living with an angry man. He tended to stay verbally abusive rather than physical, but that's still not acceptable. Life is TOO SHORT to be someone's doormat.
Now as far as what to say about visitation. Go to a woman's shelter and ask them for advice on this. Tell them you are really worried about the kids'(and your) safety.
Your attorney said you should tell him he can see them supervised? That sounds okay to me but you have to ask more people about this to be sure how to approach this. But you should tell someone that you are scared of his violence. Get documentation that you are telling people this. And at visitation, I'm hoping you can have someone (preferably a really large male companion) accompany you.
Yes, it does look bad if you try to keep him from them, however, that's under regular circumstance "I hate you cuz you cheated so you can't see the kids". But this is a safety issue.
My girls do stay over at my ex's house when he has his weekends. But I didn't let him have whole weekends until he could prove (after about a year) he could take care of them first for some hours, then for ONE NIGHT, etc. But AGAIN, my ex has never laid a hand on them. Also, he would never drive drunk or drink when watching them. This I know. He thinks people who drive drunk are crazy because those cops are just out to get ya! Whatever. Either way, he never did it in the eight years I knew him. However, he does have a friend who regularly drives drunk, goes to bars, etc. That guy does drive his own kids around and sometimes he's drunk! ALso, I left the state when I left my ex right after filing for divorce (got him to agree to give me full custody first, in writing) so he didn't see them for several months. Once he came to the state we were in (he came here to go back to college), THEN I started allowing visitation but little bit by little bit till it finally became every other weekend. He is good to my girls. He never did yell at them or cuss. He never mishandled them.
Since your husband IS physically violent, you've got a different case here. I feel you should do what you can so he does not have those kids overnight and without supervision. No way.
I do believe you really really should talk with a crisis counselor with the police or a woman's shelter about the abusive component.
Best of luck. STAY STRONG. GET THAT BOOK, PLEASE! GO TO ALANON. It was my lifeline!!! I'm rereading that book for the third time around right now!!! It has helped in so many ways.
