Thanks for all the suggestions....I'll take them to heart and try them out.

How about the fact that DD14 didn't want to go with WH this weekend? After the lie she told, I made her go. She told WH that I was not feeling well, so she was going to stay with me. I just thought that he told her she could stay. When I found this out, I told her to grab her stuff and she was going. WH told her that she could go to Friday night football game and he would pick her up Saturday morning. Well, he kept saying that he would be here at 12:00, then 2:00, 3:00. Finally, at 3:30, I asked DD14 when he was coming and she said, I text him and said that I was going to just stay here with you. I told her that I didn't think that would go over too well. I was right, then found out the excuse she gave him. I told her she should never lie about these things. I also told her that she doesn't get to see him very often so she should take advantage of these opportunities. Anyway, she wasn't happy with me.

On the upside, I went to White House Black Market and got some new clothes. It's the first time that I can acutally fit into their clothing. I love that store and they were having an affordable sale as I could never buy things from there at regular price. I only bought four items, but they are things that I can mix and match.

I'm totally fashion senseless and these women in there really help me out. I love being told what looks great and what goes together....because I can't do it.

I also love everything black/white...I wear lots of these two colors. I wish I could wear white better, but I'm more of an autumn and I don't look the greatest in these two colors, but I can't resist them.

My kids are safely back home and trying to deliver messages, but I'm plugging it up unless it's an emergency.

My problem? DS11 continually wants to discuss the facts of the affair.....WH keeps trying to sway him. What can I tell him? I've presented him with the evidence, but WH keeps giving him excuses as to why he spent the night, bought flowers, and called her on numerous occasions...."she was just a friend" right.

Should I just tell him that I already know the truth so you need to discover it for yourself? I'm really tired of talking about it, but I can see it bothers him. I think DS11 wants to believe it's not true, but there's so much evidence that he can't ignore it. He's had the hardest time out of all our children.

HopeE-

I think you have to get to a point where you let your DS11 know that he already has all the information he needs to make up his mind and that you aren't going to continue to talk about it. It's okay to tell him that talking about it with him hurts you and, it also hurts DS11 because DS11 wants to think the best of his dad.

It's also okay to tell him that you understand DD11 doesn't want to believe that his dad would do this (even with all the evidence) and that it's okay for your DS11 to still love his dad and want the family to be together, but nothing is going to change the truth of what his dad did. You can also let him know that he doesn't have to think badly of his dad to satisfy you. You would never make him do that to "choose" one parent over the other.

If he brings it up again, just remind him that going over the truth of the A hurts both of you and he is smart enough to figure out the truth with all the facts he has already.

I do hope this helps.

Good advice, JT.


HopeE,

Keep plugging those holes. And stay dry.

Thanks JT,

I did in fact tell him that last night. I told him that it's ok to realize what his father did and still love and forgive him. I did tell him that I don't want to talk about it anymore....hashing over the evidence, etc. I think he thinks that if he believes what his dad did was real then he can't have a relationship with him. I told him about how WH may never come back, but that we were going to be ok and stronger for having gone through this.

Believe me, I hate all this....I really do. I am doing better everyday and I want my kids to be assured of my healing.

Football practice was canceled tonight and I was so relieved to have an evening break. Thank you God for these new mercies.

Hope,
I also have a son, older than yours, but the dynamic is the same. My son tries to tell himself that it is not possible his dad did what he did.
The last time I addressed this issue with him, son told me: mom, I think dad started to see OW and then things happened without him actually realizing it....
To that I replied: When one is married he makes a conscious decision to share his feelings with someone who is not his wife. Your dad make that decision and from then on he was cold and distant with me. This indicates he was putting his energy outside the M and he did that by choice.
To that my son replied: and that was a poor choice.
So I think he understood. But it was important for me to explain to son that being friends with OW is not acceptable in a marriage. His dad was not free to be close to OW since he should have share his feelings with me. WH claims he did not feel safe sharing feelings with me, but that is bull because it is precisely the excuse he needed to continue the cheating. He had to tell himself something.
Ironically, when I asked him why he did not feel safe with me he replied that I did not trust him and that I was too jelous and negative and that I never forgave him for his first A. All of these are obviouly caused by him and he never fully understood the impact his first A had on our M, not only that, he continued his wayward behaviour as if he were entitled to it.
At some point my son is going to have to know all of it. But I give it to him in small doses every 4-5 months (when we see each other)
It is good to tell our kids these things so they know what not to do when they to will be tempted to have an A.
blessing

Hello everyone,

I would like to always come on here and talk about something brilliant that has happened, but things are tough and I worry everyday about my children. I wonder if I'm messing them up with wrong advice or not praying for them enough. I ask myself on a daily basis, "can I do this?"....I tell myself, "no, but God can and will". Then, I have days like that last few and I ponder my future and that of my sons and daughter. Not having a father around has effected them in the extreme. I see DS10 begging for leadership from his football coaches....he loves it and has deeply bonded with these men. DS11 continues to search for a solution to our marriage and I remind him that it's not his burden to carry, but it's still there in the corner of his mind.

This morning...major meltdown and you want to know why? I went to put on my makeup and my concealer was missing.....then discovered that my daughter and her friend had used my makeup and friend actually took it home with her. I was furious and became so angry at my DD14. It's like nothing is mine....I've lost everything and that's how I react in these situations as if it is another blow.

My DS7 is on the verge of being kicked out of after-school program and my older two boys got into fights at a park near our house. I was amazed that this could happen and they always say, "Do you just want us to get beat up?" I always say, "why get into the fight at all?" Can't they just walk away from the indifference?

I want my boys to be honorable and fair...I don't want them to cheat and be rude. I'm trying to teach them, but I fail miserably as a single parent.

I ask myself everyday...how can a man live with himself after cheating on and leaving his wife and children. How pitiful a person must be to repeat history by doing to his children what was done to him as a child. I do believe that God will have the final say and I can trust in that. I know that he will see me through, but I forget on days like these....that....my father in heaven is all I need...He is enough. I'm ending my pity party here with that final thought.

I can attest to the fact. Bullies do not take no for an answer for a fight. They do NOT accept "no I don't want to fight."

That is why I was thankful my grandparents were the way they were. They always told me, "If you get into a fight because of some bully, fight back and don't get beaten up. Even if you get suspended we'll support you." I never got into more than one or two fights, so it was a pretty much moot point, but it was nice to hear that. But only in self-defense, of course.

Fighting is bad, but indifference does no good to the bully who wants a fight.

Don't beat yourself up HopeE, even if everything were fine in your marriage, you might STILL feel this way. It's part and parcel of being a mom. I have four children and I remember thinking the very same thing. Gee, nothing is sacred. I couldn't even go to the bathroom for five minutes without someone knocking on the door asking, "What are you doing mom?" My evil twin would think, "Cooking dinner?"

Raising kids is hard work! Take your eyes off the detail and look at the big picture. What are your kids going to remember about you when they're grown? I think they'll remember that even though mom was sad and scared that whenever they would cry, you'd still be there to comfort them. That you stuck with them when it wasn't easy. That you gave of yourself and put them first. That their dad walked away. That their dad flew the coop when things got tough. Whose example do you think they'll follow? Who do you think they will honor and respect as adults?

Yes, raising kids is hard. But it's worth it.

You are blessed because you are a mother.

Your children will grow up and call you blessed.

Thank your Princess and Karma,

I needed a little boost today. I took off work today and got a sub simply because I have dr. appts for DS7 and dish network is coming to install cable...or whatever it's called. I need this day to get things together and make a plan for next week.

Princess, I really hate when I have these meltdowns...when it feels like everything is coming in on me. I know they sense it and I hate the tension in our home from pure hustle and bustle. I wish I could make things run smoother, but for now I'm in "make it" mode.

I agree with you karma...but when I hear they were in a fight...and they were being bullied....it makes me feel like a bad parent. I guess I just want them to walk away...this one kid had DS10 in a headlock and wouldn't let go. It wasn't at school though, so I'm glad for that.

Last night, DS10 came up to me and said, hey mama I just read this devotional and I thought you could get something from it too. The devotional read:

"God isn't going to let you see the distant scene. So you might as well quit looking for it. He promises a lamp unto our feet, not a crystal ball into the future. We do not need to know what will happen tomorrow. We only need to know He leads us and we will find grace to help us when we need it."

These moments make it worth it....when your kid has more insight than you do...LOL

HopeE, it is really hard to explain to kids the difference between fighting and defending yourself. I actually witnessed my DS10's first fight. It happened afterschool and I was across the school yard. Another boy, egged on by his older brother, attacked my son. My son wind up on top of 2 boys and was punching them in the face. I had to carry him off. My DS10 doesn't start fights but he knows that he can defend himself. It's a fine line.

There are some really scary stats out there on children who are raised by single mothers. Thing is, we can't control our circumstances, we can only work within them and make the best life we can. If your WH had died instead, you would still be a single mother and have to deal with these things. I understand that you are angry with the choices that your WH has made because they affect you and your children. That is completely NORMAL and actually means that you are healing.

Another thought came to me while I was reading what you wrote about your reactions to your makeup and your stuff(great comment BTW PM, I just used your "Cooking Dinner" comment on my FB stat). I thought, "Well, now HopeE's children will know that she is human." You are teaching your children all sorts of lessons and sometimes the moments where you show "weakness: you teach them even more. You show them how to recover from horrible things and how to apologize when you don't act in the way you want. You had every right to be angry about what your DD and her friend did. Maybe you felt badly because of the way you reacted. Apologize for the manner in which you acted but not about being angry. Let ALL of your children learn through you.

You are a strong and amazing woman. (((((HopeE)))))

TJ/Scotty, I just sent you an email./TJ

Thanks Scotty,

You're right about the fighting...I want them to defend themselves, but not start fights or even be eager about fighting. I did apologize to DD14 about my manner, but made it clear that I don't want her or her friends using my things. I don't even like her using my bathroom, but that's another situation.

I've basically had to think of him as dead in order to just survive. It's not that difficult to avoid him since he has no family and the few siblings that he does have....are not part of his life much.

My boys are loving football and we go to weigh-ins tomorrow, and the first game is the 18th...WH's weekend. I'll just have to be there; I'm not missing their first game. DS7 will be playing right tackle and DS10 will be playing nose guard. I can't wait to watch them.

Glad that the kiddos are going to be playing football. Unfortunate that you can't figure out a way to stay completely dark. How is this going to work for you? Are you going to attend the games that the boys play when it is WH's weekend?

HopeE,

In my house when my oldest daughter was a teenager, my clothes were always disappearing. I constantly had to go to her closet for MY clothing! One day though, I was searching and searching for one silk shirt and could not find it. I finally went to her and asked her about it. She replied, "Oh, THAT shirt! I loaned it to Joshua. He liked it and wanted to wear it to school." YES, she loaned my clothing to a TEENAGED BOY.

I actually never got that shirt back. ARGH. He must have really liked it.


When it comes to fighting, boys, and bullies? There have been loads of studies on this. Seems boys are much more prone to fighting physically than girls, and we women view it much differently than men do. Guys kind of see the fighting thing as wayyyy less important or terrible than women do. In guy-land it is seem as fairly "normal" for boys to fight things out (given no weapons, and fights are short-lived...talk to your male friends about this), and in the back-rooms of guy-world the talk about boys fighting is basically that men wish that people would let a little more of the little problems get worked out that way (and now let all of us say, WHAT??????? and lean back in horror).

On the bully side, its an interesting thing that the kids who are willing to stand up and say "NO" to bullies will see some reduction in the bullying. So maybe your kids did the right thing there. Time will tell. As regards their self-esteem? They will feel better that they stood up for themselves - and the fighting thing, well, they asked the question that a male would ask. Would you rather I fight or lose face? They chose to fight, which is rather typical in guy-land at their age in the situation. My guess is the bullying has been going on a LONG TIME, and your boys are DONE.

Also, don't be surprised if they add to the story that the bullies were also doing this to other kids, and they were standing up for them, too. Wouldn't surprise me in the least. Another common element.

I'm beginning to think I read too much.

Thanks SB...I appreciate the information. I've decided that I just plain worry too much. Now, I'm worrying about football....will they get played? Are they good enough? Why aren't they getting played?

Should I just chill and forget it? At first, when these coaches saw the size of my boys...it was a free for all....like they struck gold or something. Then came the scrimage on Saturday....my boys are just not over the top great and really this is their first year to play.

I was more devastated than they were when I discovered that they were taken out of their starting positions to sit on the "bench". I don't know....I was bothered although it doesn't seem to be bothering them much. I just want them to excel at something and I don't know what that something is? It's just hard when you pay so much money, attend 4 practices a week and then watch your kid watch.

Any ideas about my attitude...I can take it. Should I just sit joyfully by and encourage them without complaining? My kids just the bullies favs!!! Even my DS10 is getting razzed by the other players on his own team....calling him fat and such. When will I stop worrying about this?

Of course the upside is that I'm so worrying about other things that I can't focus on WH...LOL There's just too much going on to dwell on these things.

Scotty,

I am going to their first game although I'm not sure I will attend all of them where WH attends. My brother is coming though, so he will be with me during these first games. DS7 plays at 10:00 and DS10 plays at 4:00...all away games. It should be an interesting Saturday.

I know that you don't want to miss anything that your kiddos do. It is something that I hope doesn't become a usual thing. I know that we were discussing if you should even tell your WH the schedule. I hope you don't get too comfortable with seeing your WH or him seeing you. I don't want it to become, "Well, I saw him for 5 games and it was okay, I can see him when the kids get picked up and dropped off and I will be fine."

I have read on here that any contact that you have with your WH actually has the potential to strengthen the affair. Sounds crazy? Not for a cake eating wayward who wants you both. He will get a feeling that you are coming around and will start to talk to him again and everything will go back to the way it was before. Remember, he doesn't know about Plan B. He just thinks that you are being "difficult" and vindictive. I just want you to have all of the information while you are weighing what you should and shouldn't do.

I am looking out for what is best for you and your family. I have had to miss some of DS10s ball hockey games in the past, and although I felt guilty, he didn't really mind. As long as someone was in his corner cheering for him, it didn't matter to him that I wasn't there. He also got to tell me all about the game afterward and it made it more exciting.

I wouldn't put too much into them sitting on the bench if it isn't bothering them. I don't like to impose my feelings onto my children. I know others will chime in about this too, I have to get the kiddos off to school.

HopeE:

As a father of a 17 year old, who got into several fights at school, understand what schoolbus has told you.

Boys fight becasue its something that they have to do. I have a big kid, but who walks his own path. So, he was targeted somewhat. We dealt with it. And he protected his friends, who are geeky and needed support. This will pass, generally, and if there are more fights, then that is reason for concern, but being in football, and part of a team, that shouldn't have much problem in the future.

As for attending the games when you are in Plan "B". Yes, WH may or may not be there. However, around here, what you find out is that the wayward ones slink in and stand off to the side, making your Plan B efforts easier. Sometimes, the waywards want to be in your face, but that is rare. The waywards don't want to answer any difficult questions from the other parents, you understand.... Many times they end up sitting on the opposite side of the field... You will find it humorous. Then after many months of being dark, the waywards will attempt a "can we move past this, and be we friends" mode. But you will be ready for that, won't you?

LG

Thanks for the great advice and I guess I'm still weighing my options. My brother will be here and I've thought about just letting him go and not me. I don't want to attend all the games where WH takes them, but I want to go to the first one....we're getting so into it with making posters and another scrimage on Thursday.

That's an interesting idea LG about sitting on the opposite side....I could do that. I know that I'll get to see at least 1/2 of the games, but I hate missing even one. I also understand what you are saying Scotty. Last time, I opted out of the practice and it was fine. The game is so much more involved and I hope he will get them there on time and in full uniform.
I'm still praying about it asking what I should do...I agree that it will never be things as usual in terms of conversation.

I had a better day today....had my prayer time this morning and prayer with the kids on the way to school....it really makes a difference spending that time with the Lord. I'm starting a wellness program at work and we had to weigh in this morning. The first 7 days is a cleansing thingy. I can only eat beef and green raw veggies for 7 days. I can have 3 eggs...and 1/2 a grapefruit in the am and 1/2 in the pm. This should be interesting...but we have to do this before completing the rest of the program.