LLL,

I am glad you are doing so well. And I think you handled the anniversary party nicely. WXH's response was predictable.


AM

Man, I keep thinking about this one. It all happened so fast. Of course I don't know of every situation on this board, but this case seems the winner in going from A to D to A falling apart in such a short time. Chrisner comes to mind when I think of the ultra quick D, but that A is still ongoing.

I gotta believe that your XWH is wondering what in the h3ll happened. Of course he's a mess. He just lost is M, his "soul mate" and his career probably just took a big hit.

I have to agree with you LLL. At first I thought you should try to recover, but you probably did the right thing. I waited, hoping to recover my M, but instead was dragged into his screwed up world by going through many false recoveries and then being charged with everything from "frivolous conduct" to forgery and also being sued for spousal support. It was a horrible 2 1/2 years. The good thing though is that I have no regrets.

You will have a peace in your life. He will be dealing with this for many years to come.

My head spins when I think about the last year....mom died in short few months....find out he's having an affair and he walks out never to return, call, anything. I guess if I had any feeling from him at all that he was wanting to try to salvage our marriage or that he even showed me any inkling that he missed me and questioned his decision, I might have not gone so fast to D. However, I got NOTHING. He went total NC with me for weeks before I did anything to move forward with D. How do you do that to someone you lived with for 29 years?

Also, if I felt I had mistreated him in any real way, I would have perhaps had some motivation to wait longer. I'm not perfect, but other than trying to juggle a marriage, caring for a dying parent's needs, and a job for about 6 months, I honestly can't say my H lacked love and attention during our marriage and he treated me like I was loved and valued until the last two months we were together.

I didn't deserve the treatment I got....perhaps the most unforgiveable part was that he turned on me while I was at one of the lowest points in my life with my mother's death and he couldn't even muster enough humanity to stay and be of some comfort to me. Instead, he cheated, he lied, he left me alone.

Yes, I'm very angry. He deserves the life he's chosen.

LLL, sorry...I know how you feel....My WH father died about six months after dday and my WH moved out that same month...at the wake I was crying and put out my hands to give WH a hug, he said I dont need a hug....I realized later that OW was at the wake...all I could think was that I loved my FIL like he was my own father, I was in pain too....but he was too worried about OW seeing us hug, even at his own fathers wake...

I attempted suicide and when I woke up in the hospital to his face and he said "just tell the doctors I love someone else, I dont love you anymore".....Waywards are only worried about themselves and their own happiness....I dont know what happens to them but it is common while they are in the affair. I am just so sorry that so many of us have to go throught it...but you are not alone....Hang in there.

I hear you, LLL. Good days and not so good days.

I haven't been around too much lately but I was wondering how you were doing.

Keep in mind that one reason that I can plow ahead with a certain degree of strength and fortitude is by seeing how YOU have handled your sitch and what YOU have repeatedly told ME. You KNOW you didn't deserve that treatment and that he showed you less care and consideration than a two year old would show his 'Thomas the Tank Engine' toy train set.

You do deserve better, LLL. And you will find "better". Sure, good days and bad days. No surprise that you were pleased with your appearance and his was less than pleasant. My bet is that, as a result of HIS CHOICES, he won't have many days consisting of pleasant appearances......

TBC

Yeah my wife lost a few family members during our life together.. I wouldn't dream of deserting her during those times even though I was helpless and all I could do was love her.


When I lost my job because of a seriuos injury and the only thing I could count on was our family was still together she approached me and told me she was going to leave for another man. She also revealed she was addicted to drugs. I knew what she was doing was a death sentence to her. It was her again running in fear

I knew the source of her decisions, undrstood how she got into that behavior, but the pain from the loss still had a big effect on me. There were good times at one point when I thought we would make it. Even times when I thought we had.

The best is yet to come..

LLL, I admire W like you and Melody who are able to say: enough and move on. It is a real gift. YOu have strenght and most of all you love yourself. That does not mean selfish at all. Selfish is a person who wants another to change so that person can make her happy. I am selfish as I would like my H to change so I can be happy again. But actually, I have to be able to be happy with or without him.
If I hope someone could make me happy in the future I am in big trouble. Once I learn how to be happy on my own I will attract the right kind of person...not another cheater.
Good luck and have fun with your travels
Blessing

Wow. this site is addictive. seems to me lll made the right decision for her.

prd

Stopped back in to see how some of the others on this site are doing. I'm sorry for all the pain I read here....

I'm doing well. Took a 3 week vacation with friends to Italy. It was heaven. I had my moments of being somewhat down thinking of past trips to Italy with H over the years. But overall, it was great and I felt a total break with the horrible happenings of the past year of my life with mother's terminal illness and divorce. I am working on plans to redecorate my home and build a new backyard with large entertaining area and pool with waterfall, so that's got me busy and excited about a big project.

As a side note, a friend told me others told her exH spent some time with OW on West Coast in the past few weeks, so that relationship still has some life to it apparently. If that's so, why do people tell me he looks physically beaten down and sick? He has what he wanted. He's still seeing OW from recent reports.... I will never understand this....

Its not a good relationship, it only pretend. Its like what we get when we wish the worse on someone because we are angry, and are glad when it doesn't happen. KWIM?

He is probably miserable wondering where the bliss his affair went that was promised. His conscience is working on him and he can't run away from that. Unless he turns to some crazy behavior or joins some cult he is doomed to suffer because he knew better. Its His problem now, you were there to help him before the A, and before the D. He chose what he has, and its not what his imagination promised.

Much like many of the temptations we are all faced with.

Understanding insanity .... always difficult.
Making sense of senseless .... always frustrating.

Traveling to Italy .... nirvana.

Sounds like he traded a Rolls Royce for an old Vega. He knows he was a fool but now its all he has got. So he clings to the illusion of a relationship. He likely knows he has blown it, but he does not have the energy or health to establish a new relationship. So now all he can do is visit the junkyard and dream of better days.

The man is a fool and his pride has him trapped. Sounds like you had a great time in Italy. And that is likely another burr under the blanket for him. You are thriving and he is withering.

Seem to me someone predicted the outcome of this years ago. "You reap what you sow". Stay healthy.

Blessings
BCBoy

Glad you checked back in. I was wondering what happened in your sitch.

I agree with the others. She's the one who moved, so the relationship obviously wasn't her first priority. I think your XWH is just holding on with all he's got because that's all he's got. The thought of losing both of you is probably agony to him because of the hasty decision that he made, so hanging on to her right now keeps him from losing everything.

Even the best of relationships take a lot of work, and he is finding that this one isn't the promised land that he thought it was. Guess what? this one will take work too. And from your description of her, my guess is that she is going to be a very difficust one to have a relationship with.

No wonder he looks haggard.....

I was thinking about you these days and saying to myself: see LLL and you have a similar situation, yet she has totally moved on and has not posted for months and you are still stuck.
It is really a matter of how we look at things.

The interesting thing is that friends tell us how terrible WH looks. That seems to be a pattern.
I do not believe it till I see him.
On the other hand, I do agree that once they leave everything for the A and OW then that's all they have left.
And they must realize pretty fast that they made a mistake. But then, if they dump OW they wil be alone. So they work hard at keeping the fantasy alive and the things is hard work and fantasy do not go well together...in fact they contraddict eachother. So, they work hard for Nothing.
I am glad you had fun in Italy. It is a beautiful place. I m happy for you and your plans.
blessing

I had a quick look at the first few pages and then the last few to see where you are at and I was struck by the similarity of our situations.
My WH also had an A with his Phd student (it is rampant in that world but putting two people of opposite sex in a close, inequal working relationship over years doesn't help) 18 years younger than him. He moved out to live with her a year ago and does so now. However I was a SAHM with four small children. At first I really wanted to save my M as I loved him very much for a long time and also I wanted the children to have their father. I did a good Plan A for 10 weeks followed by Plan B but it failed and I suspect that he just had too much pride to back down. Sounds as if your WH is the same. My WH was a reputable figure in his area of research too - maybe this doesn't help to have enough humility to admit to being wrong and ask for forgiveness.

Now I have got a good job (loving it!) and life is looking good. I'm glad to hear that life is good for you too. It's always difficult to know when to cut your losses and give up. I hung in for too long, I can see that now but at least I know I gave it my best shot. It sounds as if you have remained solid and relatively clear-headed (although I'm sure there must have been some confused, painful moments in among those 100 or so pages)

Best of luck in the future.

LLL,

It is good to hear from you and that things in your life are going so well. The trip and the plans for the house sound great. I hope all good things continue to come your way.

AM

Just checking in again....I'm doing well. My life is calm, ordered, work is great, friends and family great. I get a little lonely some nights at home, but all in all I have a good life.

My XH has been totally no contact which is OK with me until last weekend when he emailed me and asked if he could come to the house to pack up some of the books that are his in our home office. Since he's an academic and uses many of his books for references, this seemed like a reasonable request. I was kind of shocked to hear from him since basically we haven't spoken more than twice in several months.

So I arranged a time he could come (last evening) and I decided I would open the door, then let him get his stuff from the office while I waited outside with the dogs. To my surprise, he came outside and asked if he could see the dogs. I said yes, then walked out into the yard to mess with trimming some flowers. He played with them a few minutes, then said to come and get them while he got ready to leave.

He said "the house looks nice" and I said thanks, then he said "you got it all". I looked at him, then he said "you took me for everything, the house, the dogs...." I said, I beg your pardon, you got the lake house, your cars, your possessions. We split our assets according to what belonged to each of us." He looked really angry and said "you always land on your feet". He looked so angry at me, so eaten alive....it was almost scary. I told him this conversation is over. You need to get your stuff and leave. I walked off with the dogs and he stood there a while, then left slamming doors. Big mistake having any face to face with him. I should have had a friend come and supervise this while I was gone. I guess I just figured time had passed and we could at least be civil for a few minutes with each other.

What is this? HE LEFT ME. HE WENT TOTAL NO CONTACT. HE HAD THE AFFAIR. I simply got out of his life and tried to maintain my dignity and self-respect. And he's angry with me? I guess he wanted me to dissolve into dust over losing him. I really am non-plussed by this after so long.

living happy is always the best revenge......

LLL,

What he really thought about was everything that he gave up for his affair. He chose to leave you, the house and the dogs, and is starting to see how stupid he was. His anger is really at himself.

Yes, living happy is the best revenge.

Good to hear from you, LLL.

AM