Oh no...I thought we were moving along in our recovery. Things have been going well- lots of quality time for 2 months.
The last known contact was he sent her an email in June 2010
She moved about 5 hours away with her husband. FWH said she "didn't even reply"
Now this week I know he googled her name and her husband's. He found his work address (and knows he works from home!) and looked at a list of events owh organizes. So basically my husband knows their new home address and her husbands out-of-town schedule. There was nothing coming up recently in terms of that.
In addition yesterday my husband watched a YouTube video of other woman. Something he has seen before- so he went to it just to see her or something I am guessing. My question is what do I do?
He doesn't know I know. If I confront him I am giving up my source. He is acting normal with me- not letting on or being honest about missing her.
Please help me make a plan here.

This doesn't sound like recovery to me. He needs to be radically open and honest with you, and you need to be radically open and honest with him.

Do not give up your source, do not let him know you found evidence of him googling and watching you tube of OW.

DO let him know that he is not being open and honest with you, you know he still has feelings for OW, and that he has recently been acting on these feelings.

If you were in true recovery then he should know you snoop from time to time. Trust but verify. Sapph knows I snoop on her. I even let her know this morning that I looked at her txt messages and phone bill in a love you note I left.

Yes, It was looking like a recovery but this shows me he isn't being radically open honest.
If I say too much he will suspect my source and could possibly go deeper in hiding. That is what I am trying to avoid.
I want him to feel he can open up to me (even if it means saying he misses her) I don't think I should ask him how he feels for her now cause it seems like that would be triggering those emotions. But looking at her YouTube video is breaking our no contact agreement and possibly triggering his feelings for her.

I

MBJG, it isn't "possibly" triggering his feelings for her. It IS.

Absolutely don't give up your source, I agree. I also like the idea of having a frank discussion with him.

How has recovery been going? Are you coaching w/ the Harleys? Are you and your WH getting enough UA time? Are you trying to meet his ENs?

I dislike asking those questions and putting the onus on you, but with a WS, and even with a newly FWS, the BS typically has to pull a majority of the weight if they want to recover the M.

He just broke the NC rule!

You need to confront him about this, you don't have to tell him how you know, just say something like "So, you know where the OW is now. Do you have anything you should tell me?"

If he denies it go to plan B.

I loved that love note you left me!!

I am doing everything I can think of to meet his EN.
We have been spending 15-20 hours together. He has started running with me which we used to workout separately. He loves watching movies so some of that time is a movie night- we make a snack to share and rub backs/feet while we watch. We went away as a family last weekend and had a great time (we have 3 kids) We are intimate everyday sometimes morning and night. I adore him . I know he made a mistake and is sorry. I am honest when I am hurting but try not to ever be disrespectful or throw it in his face.
We did about 5-6 sessions but decided to stop fir now. We have been reading talking about the books though. We have a week away planned in October- without the kids. I thought we were starting a recovering so his looking her up on line surprised me. It hurts. I don't know what triggered him.

How do you know he did this stuff? Is it from a keylogger or from the history?

Your husband broke no contact. And the purpose of having a keylogger is to stop this kind of stuff not just to watch him, so YES, you should confront him. And do it ASAP. Don't tell him how you know, [don't ever give up your sources] but tell him you know [maybe say from computer history] that he looked up the OW's youtube video and looked up her new address.

But FIRST, tell me how you found this out.

MBJG,

If I understand your thread correctly, you never exposed to OWH?
If so it makes her that more available/re-attainable to your husband, as her husband is not on watch.

God Bless
Gamma

From a keylogger.

How do I say I know without it being obvious or him suspecting a keylogger? He doesn't have the "remember history" set on his computer.

OW's husband knows. I have spoken to him. They moved away because of this situation.

Thats fine then. Just tell him you found a way to find it from the history and that is all you will reveal. You do not EVER have to tell him about your snoopng resources.

Start off by telling him you know that __________________ and don't tell him how you know. If he asks, just say I have a way to tell from the history and leave it at that.

Keep in the mind the purpose of snooping is not to just snoop but to use the intel to PREVENT contact. He has broken no contact.

Look him square in the eyes, and tell him that you know in your heart that he has been thinking about her, and that you can tell because of the way he has been responding to you.

Don't lose eye contact.

He will drop his eyes. Then, touch his hand and say, "We can get through this. Just talk to me about this...I know that you need to talk, so let's just do it."


See what he does.

Stay calm, non-accusatory. Just tell him that you KNOW. Tell him you have "done this before" and your heart knows this feeling from him. And your heart does not lie.


Don't break eye contact.


SB

Don't tell him about the keylogger. And you don't have to be specific about how you know, just that you do. One thing I said was "There are a lot of ways a determined person can trace where you've been on a computer - not just the history." Let him think you've learned how to examine the computer drive.

Actually, computers store a great deal in the activity logs. You just need to know how to access them.

If you think you HAVE to disclose some "source", tell him that you have figured out how to access the DOS-based activity logs.

And NO, you will NOT demonstrate for him.

Talked to him this morning but he just looked me straight in the face and denied it. He said he is sorry I don't trust him and believe him but he hopes I will start cause we were doing so well.
I told him I felt a distance from him this week (which is completely true) and I believe he was thinking of her and he can talk to me. I know this is hard. He said he has moments when he misses her but doesn't feel anything for her her like he used to. He said he did look at the races signed up to do to make sure she hadn't signed up too. So his mind is so foggy he thinks maybe she will sign up for a race because she knows he will be there.
She hasn't thankfully. I go with him to all races. So I think this was just an excuse he offered me.
He watched a video of her....
I couldn't really seem to get him to open up and admit anything else without giving up my source or providing proof. I was trying not to accuse and instead invite him to feel he can confide in me even when it is hard.
I know I can't have this approach anymore and I am going to have to just state what I know.

Exactly. Asking him to bust himself is a cat and mouse game that only leads to more resentment and rarely results in getting the truth.

A more effective tactic is to TELL HIM what you know, rather than asking him.

Just TELL HIM you know he looked at her video, etc, etc, etc... If he asks how you know, tell him you won't reveal that.

Don't ASK him; TELL HIM. Don't ask a dishonest person for the truth.

His view:

He is sorry you don't trust him.

He hopes you will trust him.

You (as a married couple) are doing so well.

This is why real recovery is so darn difficult.

Did he ASK you this:

"What can I DO to earn your trust?" .... No, he did not.

Did he say something like this?

"I will do whatever it takes to earn your trust." .... No, he did not.

Did he inquire to your well-being?

"How are you doing? How are you feeling?" .... No, he did not.

Here is my suggestion/advice:

Make some lovebank deposits.
Really good ones.
Affection.
Admiration.
Domestic.
Look pretty.
Smell nice.
Feed him.
Touch him lovingly.
Have some light pleasant conversation.

Then, tell him:

"I have something important to share.
I am not doing as well in our marriage recovery as you might hope I am.
There are some things I need from you."

Take a pause.
Look him in the eye.
Wait for it.

What you are waiting for is him to ask what he can do to help you.

He may start with:
"What's wrong?"

You repeat:
"There are some things I need from you."

If/when he asks "What do you need from me?"

Have your answer ready.
What will your answer be?

He needs a little help learning to ask you what you need from him.
Guide him along.

I hope this helps.
Let us know.

For now, I'd just drop the other issue.
He's not going to be truthful.
It can wait.
File it in the "later" folder.


Work on getting him invested into making sure you are NOT unhappy.

I read Mel's advice ... after I posted mine.
I believe that telling him what you know is the correct approach, rather than the "cat and mouse" approach.

However, I think your M recovery would greatly benefit if your H developed the correct mindset of asking you what you need.

Once he does this ... You say: "I need you to be truthful when I ask you a question. I KNOW you lied when you said you had not looked at videos of OW."

Since there is no urgency or immediate danger to this situation, I think a little preparation for POJA and Radical Honesty is the way to go.