Sheba, <P>I may sound harsh but I say this in love.<P>Give him over to his sin and do it with Plan B. You know his value to you. You love him a bunch. No one questions that. We all know your values. No one likes the idea of divorce. <P>By giving him over to his sin, there may be an opprotunity for him to realize your value to him. He knows you will always be there. He takes you for granted. And this whole thing has been going on for quite some time. Do you really see an end it sight?<P>Plan B is not a game. It will either wake him up or he'll move on. He is dragging you through an emotional nightmare. Don't let this go on indefinitely. No one is saying this will be easy. <P>You can't maintain this lifestyle indefinitely Sheba. Read the story of Hosea. He tried and tried and tried to win back his unfaithful wife. He finally gave her over to her sin. She eventually crashed. He picked her up and restored her with honor as his wife.<P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 29, 1999).]

Sheba,<P>I think it is kind of typical for a man in the middle of a midlife crisis or affair to want to move in with the OW and enjoy that passion while still keeping his W as his best friend. My H has been stuck for almost 2 years trying to figure out which one he should go with - lover (who has been out of picture for almost 2 years) or wife he loves a great deal. He;s making himself crazy with it and he's making me crazy too!<P>I think you need to tell him that after the D your relationship certainly will be much simpler, since you will rarely be seeing him. <P>My parents had an amiable divorce. They must have talked occasionally about us five kids, but I don't remember them ever spending much time in each other's presence. They lived not too far from each other but they just kind of left each other's lives. Sounds pretty healthy to me at this point.<P>And I agree - your H certainly is a piece of work.<P>Good luck, <BR>Ellen

Sheba,<BR>I replied and didn't take. I'm really thinking about all you have said and will reply.<P>Until then, ask yourself this. <P>Besides pain and some financial support right now, what do you get from your relationship with H. How does the relationship (not necessarily your H, but being in the relationship) make you feel about yourself? What does H contribute to the relationship?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi All,<P>Again, I'm not ignoring - just thinking!!!!!!<P>I just read Eric's Thread and his feelings are pretty much mine...except that I am not yet at the point of not letting it effect my life....meaning that I do hurt - but I don't feel used. If he is using me....then that's his mind. I don't feel that I am giving more than I (as a person) would give to anyone that I love like family, friends, etc. <P>I'll be back....Any other thoughts?<P>HUGS and Thanks,<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited October 30, 1999).]

I've seen your recent post on other's threads and have been very impressed. You and but a handful of others are in that rare category of "true long-long-term persistants"... a very admirable quality... I think I'd like to be there too... but I need many more months before I come near were you are.<P>Even though I haven't started it, I think that it is time for what Sir Hurts Alot suggests... Plan B. This would be <B>very</B> hard on you with your feelings toward your husband and your very giving ways.<P>One thiing to consider... that if you do a <B>true</B> Harley style Plan B... it could slowdown the divorce process.... even more so if attorneys involvement is limited.<P>I'm praying for you...<BR>I'll look for more of your posts...<BR>I, unfortunately, see myself following in your footsteps... but am glad to have such a <B>good</B> leader to follow...<P>How about a smile? <P>Jim

I'm listening to everyone.....<P>Another fact that I thought you all should know is that -<P>I went through a lot of different things to try to get him to stop, change, talk, etc......<P>I did the throwing him out....he wouldn't go and brought all his stuf back in. I tried not "doing" for him - like laundry, cooking, groceries, etc..<P>All that did was make me physically ill - it aggravated my ulcer...I threw up and had "the other end" problems, couldn't eat, sleep, function.....<P>I went against MYSELF by trying to SHOW him that I wasn't putting up with his crap.......<P>It was hurting me more than him...<P>So, this is why I knopw that I can't do things (or not do things) that go against my heart.....it would kill me before he would realize anything!!<P>Just adding this info into the mix!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

HI Sheba, just throwing this into the witch's brew....<BR>why do you gain so much pleasure doing for your h? Are you looking for the positive strokes that he might have given at one point in the realtionship? <BR>You said that not doing made you ill, and doing was more in line with your true feelings. <BR>I am just wondering why? I do understand what you are saying, but think there may be a fine line-does it enable him to continue to be weak? <BR>Happy Halloween sheba!! cl

Hey Sheba,<P>Here's my deep and sage thoughts <P>Whatever works for you... WHATever that is: DO IT!<P>If it's hurting you: STOP! If it's not hurting you: GO! The problem sometimes arises because we don't know what is good or bad... or we get confused and think it's good when it's bad. Look, you know what hurts you and what doesn't. If cooking for your H makes you feel better, and makes him feel better to boot, then go for it. If he throws the food back in your face, then it's bad for you. I think you know the difference.<P>You are a very smart woman, and I have full confidence that you wouldn't do anything that leaves you feeling abused.<P>Boy, I'm in an interesting (and weird) place emotionally right now, huh??<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi CL and NB <P>Cl, finally a question that I know the answer too!!!! YAY!!!!<P>No, it had nothing to do with H reacting at all....it had to do with me.....<P>It would rip me up to not do the things that I do ....I am a wife and by not doing my "normal" things in our lives - I felt that I was changing to not being a wife just to match his not being a husband.....didn't sit well in my mind!!<P>HE is the one who chose not to be a husband.....let him follow that route.<P>I did not change the fact that I am a wife and therefore I could not "pretend" that I was not!!!! TO ME it felt like SPITE!!!!<P>Does this help you understand?<P>

Sheba, Have you read any books on codependency? I am not saying that this is waht it is but from what I have read about it, it might help you get through all of this. I still think you should read "The Language of Letting Go" I think it will really help. I know it has helped me alot.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Good morning Sheba!!! NB's got the point that I agree with (course you knew I would once I read it!!)<P>You gotta do what's best for you. Gotta follow your heart as long as it doesn't do you any more harm. You'll know when that is.<P>I think you're pretty grounded, my friend. I'm a wee bit jealous. Stick by your guns, do what's right for you. We'll support you all the way.<P>How's your energy this morning??<P>(I GOT to learn to use those little faces!)<P>Lori

Lori,<P>colon : plus right paren ) equals <P>semi colon ; plus right paren ) equals <P>colon : plus left paren equals <P>colon : plus capital D equals <P>Give an apple to the teacher ! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheba, cl said what I was getting at much better. Really give it some thought.<P>It is your choice to have any sort of relationship you want. It just sounds like your H is going to keep you teathered to him and you won't be able to move in an independent direction.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13