ABSOLUTELY!!!

I've never had an affair, neither has my husband. But after being here, and learning about affairs, we've put them into place, so we NEVER have to deal with them.


Morals can influence and help shape EPs, but don't be deceived. The person who is MOST likely to fall into an affair is the one who says they would "never do that" because they're so strong.

Strength can actually become a weakness.

Use your morals to influence appropriate BEHAVIORS.

Because morals can also be a downfall. You'd be shocked but sometimes people come here in an affair with a fellow church member. They just connected on a 'higher, spiritual' plain, and they try to convince everyone that God wants them to be together.

The only sure protection is appropriate behavior.


What you are describing are triggers. Anything, including songs, can trigger the affair. That is why some triggers - clothing, gifts, bedroom sets, must be removed. However some triggers cannot be eliminated. These have to be reclaimed. You can retrain your mind to NOT trigger over certain things.

Dates are a good example. You can't remove the DATE of Dday - but over time you can remove that trigger. There are recovered spouses here that actually don't realize their Dday has come and gone again, they were merrily living their happily recovered lives.

There is a good thread on managing triggers. I'll try to dredge it up for you.


This is true- but the path to recovery is still the same, no matter the nature of the affair:

Exposure
Extraordinary Precautions
Rebuilding the Marriage though using MB principles to prevent another occurrence.

In order to recover you must hit EVERY one of these steps.

Part 3, Covers why EPs are so crucial...

If you care to watch more.

As long as it helps someone see and understand you have know worries, that is the only reason why I came on MB.

vibrissa, thank u once again for answering my questions & helping me out in so many ways. i am so glad u have never had to go thru this & i think ya'll knowing in advance, setting up your EP's is awesome, i wish i would have done the same.

that was a great point about morals can be a weakness & very true too. i will be careful b/c i do know that it can happen to anyone.

the bad part about the triggers is that we both have them, i have them b/c i know so much about the A....& i am sure he has them too & they r very hard for me to overcome so i am sure they r hard for my H too. thank u 4 the thread, i will def. look @ it.

susieQ, i needed part 3--thank u, i had actually already watched them all b/c when i found part 1...the others were there too. i watched them & then me & my H watched them together b/c i do care.

sapphire, thank u again for all of your honesty--i even think my H needed to hear someone else talk about there situation.

i read everything ya'll say & i read it more than once. then @ night me & my H read each post & discuss it. whether it seems good or bad to all of u, it seems like it has helped him open up which has helped me b/c i need that, it is a major step for us.

reading this thread has helped my H understand what this has done to me & what i am going thru which is a good thing 4 me b/c i get upset alot of times when i try 2 talk about it.

30feeling50, have you exposed the affair to OWH?

recon, yes the OWH has been told. it was very tough but yes i called him myself. i do feel better that he knows & that is not on my mind anymore but @ the same time i still worry that it could hurt my family in the long run when it comes to my H's job & the OW being so pyscho. i pray all goes well, only time will tell now.

GOOD for you for telling him!

Good job! I am sad to say that if your H's job is harmed it is because he had an affair there.

That is utterly stupid to jeopardize one's career in that way. When people have affairs at work, everyone usually knows and the adulterers lose all respect from their peers and upper management. No hiring manager will promote a cheater because they cannot be trusted. They are loose cannons, and viewed as pariahs in the workforce.

My current and last employer would goosestep him to the door with an armed security guard if he did it here. He is legal liability to his company and viewed as a loose cannon.

He needs to get another job anyway so that he is away from the OW. Is he looking for another job?

Because chances are great they will boot him when word of his unprofessional, slimy behavior gets out. You can't keep that kind of stuff secret in a work environment.

i realize if my H was to lose his job that it would be b/c of the affair & my H also realizes that also. neither one of us are trying to say otherwise. my H is already away from the OW, they do not work together anymore. they are about 45 minutes away from one another. he was unprofessional & it was not good behavior @ work or away from work but for someone to call someone a pariah & a loose cannon b/c of a mistake seems like a lil' much. to say he can't be trusted, should not get promoted & should get the boot is also a lil' harsh. i know u will bash me for this & say that i am just defending my WH but I am not defending what he did....he is a cheater & an adulter! that does not make him this horrible person, it makes him a sinner & even sinner's can change. if i am willing to give him a second chance & i was hurt th worse by this then why shouldn't others give him a second chance. i know that alot of WH/WW will just do it again & have another "A" b/c it is an addiction. i am just stating the fact that being a WH/WW does not mean that one act of bad behavior makes u a bad person, a pariah with a slimy behavior who needs to get the boot. With that fact being stated, i will also say the opposite is a fact too--depending on the person--not all WH/WW deserve a second chance.

30, it is not harsh at all, it is the truth. Cheaters are viewed as pariahs in the work force. They are viewed as loose cannons and most hiring managers won't touch them because they can't be trusted. Don't shoot the messenger!

It has nothing to do with second chances, but first chances. Lets say a hiring manager has a position your H wants in his department. The first thing that manager is going to do is ask around about your H. And guess what he is going to hear because everyone knows about his workplace affair? That is what he will hear. So your H won't get a first chance, much less a second chance.

Who will promote an untrustworthy person who has the pisspoor judgment to have a workplace affair? They will say "if he cheats on his wife, he will cheat on me." He can't be trusted. I'm sorry but having affairs with the employee pool is about as untrustworthy and reckless as it gets. That reflects a profound lack of judgement,integrity and caution. No one is going to promote and hire a loose cannon.

That is how cheaters are viewed in the workplace, 30feeling.

You can't very well claim your husband is trustworthy when he is actively decieving his own company and putting them in a legally risky position.



As long as they still work at the same company and see each other occasionally, your marriage will never recover because he will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal.

Not only are you risking your marriage by him staying there, but he is risking his career.

melody,

i never said that i trusted him.

i am not shooting the messenger & i am facing the truth everyday of my life & it hurts like heck but as bad as it hurts for what he has done to me & our marriage, i still know that he IS a good person....even good people make stupid mistakes.

it was pisspoor judgement to have an A in the work place, it is pisspoor judgement to have an A @ all. stupid as it gets is cheating on your spouse regardless, all WH/WW have lack of judgement.

my H is NOT carrying on workplace affairs....he had 1 affair & is paying for that, how much do u think him or my family should have to suffer b/c of a mistake.

y is it that exposing to family & friends & telling the OWH is now not good enough? now he is suppose to call human resources & tell them....that is just too much, what good would that do?

they will not see each other occasionally...i said the meetings would be over in october but they have been put into groups & they will see each other 1 time in september & then THAT'S IT. this is a HUGE company so they can continue to work for this company & never see each other again, mainly now b/c he is fixing to be in a different market than her.

i am not trying to keep his stupid behavior a secret or i would not have told anyone. but trying to ruin his career would be stupid considering we have 4 kids that he is 100% responsible of clothing, feeding & keeping a roof over their heads.

He was put on her team once, he can be put there again. He is in one division she can be easily transferred to it. Company puts out a mass memo- they are both CCed on.... There are a dozen ways contact can continue. We aren't saying this to be mean or punish you. Your husbands actions will punish all of you enough. You are free to do what you wish. Mel is only telling you the truth. As long as your husband stays at his job your marriage will never fully recover. Trying to argue about it is like arguing that the 'Sky' is orange. Say and believe what you like- the truth is the Truth. Take it or leave it

30feeling, the bottom line is that his career and his marriage is at risk as long as he stays there. No one is going to promote a loose cannon. And I guarantee you, when layoffs have to be made they will look first at the loose cannons and the slackers. You can argue all you want, but you can't deny that reality. Workplace affairs are always common knowledge and that will doom your H's career.

If he really cares about his career he will get out of there and get in with a company where his reputation is not sullied.

I wish you the best, you will need it.