Before I go into the obviuos questions of what drugs,(because they are also part of the lies you have bought in your foggy mind), These two statememts should point out to you it was Ows use of drugs that affected you. Whether is was the danger and excitment factor, the drugs themselves, or a combo of both.

You are right, your husband would probbaly not stoop to that level to make you "Happy".


Let me try to give you a little lesson on the chemistry of love and how foolish people try to take short cuts and use things like coke, herion, and many street drugs to what they want at the expense of others.

Dopamine is the chemical that gets released in our brain when we are in love, have sex, or are happy. Cocaine is a "dopamine uptake inhibitor" which means it stops the brains natural cycle of taking it back after it is used on the parts of our brain that "feel" those positive things. So it floods our brain unaturally and tells us all is right with the world.

Crack, if that was what you smoked, is like shooting coke, and the statement of how crack is "instantly addictive" is true. Right after its used all the normal receptors of the brain are short circuited and as a hooker once told me, it was like she had the biggest Orgasm in her life. She eventually didn't want sex for that feeling because she could get it from short circuiting the wiring in her brain. She wanted sex with guys because she was sick in the head and nasty, Then she smoked crack to feel anything.

When someone is first introduced to coke, they confuse the dopamine stimulation for something real and think what they feel IS real. They don't realise that the drug is really adding to whatever experience they are undergoing, if its sex it fits right in with how sex would feel. It even feels like love, because our brains produce the same dopamine response response when we are in love.

If its crack then it is more intense, but coke itself used in small doses lies to you the same way. A lie is a lie no matter how small it seems it is tremendously destructive in its outcome when it comes to this.


It has been documented and shown that dopamine levels are high in people in love. They fade unless they are kept active by recieving stimulation from our partner but if we work to stay in love the dopamine levels, the active part of our brain that gets stimulated, along with OTHER areas of our brain stay active. People can be in love and stay in love if they use thier brains and do what it takes.


Ok lets talk about heroin for a sec, Its more insidiuos as a tool used for denial than alcohol. It accually shuts down our conscience over time untill we accually beleive we are doing the right thing. Opiates are great for alleviating pain. Cells in our body have natural receptors built in that were designed to take the pain reliever our brain puts out in times of great trauma and pain. The differeance is our bodys know what we REALLY need and wont give it unless we suffer enough.

Along with the physical pain emotional trauma and "Those nagging feelings that something doesn't feel right" are alliveated also. When people use the drugs to "feel" better, more relaxed, and deal with stress is when they are heading for addiction. When they become addicted everything they do is OK as they become more selfish and thier feelings dictate whats important, at least those they still feel with. They don't feel what they don't want to, when they start to they do more drugs to cope with thier new "reality". A reality based on drugs, but they have reasons for thier need, many of them are painful situations they went thru, truth is many times they made it worse by using and those situations are caused by doing so. They are running away from pain, and the problems they had a chance to deal with at first has become something that now is a fact of life to them that cannot be overcome. The only answer to peace is the drug.

Unlike other drugs used for denial heroin does not feel like we can't think. Many very intelligent people become addicted and continue to function. They reason things, but not with a full deck that they would have if all the parts of thier chemistry were functional. But most addicts decline as life becomes more about themselves and the drug they need, and they rarely see it, it all makes "sense" to them. The real world and truth continues to exist and you can't run away from them, thier allways there. Relationships become someone to use and it gets justified by thier cold hearts and they selfishly deny the fact they must suffer too like all of us.

But of course, they think they are special and the rules don't apply to them, just like Waywards.

Its true pain relieving drugs have a place but emotional pain should not be treated with narcotics. Pain is our friend Hitch.

Its a common belief in the court system in the city I am in that some men use heroin or coke/crack to entice unknowing women into bed. They accually assume it most of the time. The old saying, "Candy is Dandy but Liquor is quicker" has moved up to more dangerous substances.

BTW Pot also increases dopamine levels.


I hope you have dodged the bullit and not used these drugs but I won't worry about insulting you over my concern that you have , fallen in love with OM partially because he drugged you. The post by pep honestly described the truth in how nasty your A was and you know it was. If Drugs were involved the fogginess will be worse and the withdrawl greater.
If the thrill and escapism of your affair along with drugs have effected you, there is a lot of work to be done.

Let the truth here restore you

I think I was doing some serious foggy thinking at some point yesterday about OM. Pep, I would lke to say a big THANK YOU for your post, phew. Anyway got home from work last night pulled my self together, saw my H and what an unbelievably handsome man he is too, and thought what the hell. I asked him what he was doing this evening, he said nothing just staying in, so I said do you fancy grabbing some dinner, to which he replied sure why not. So we went out and had dinner just chatted (mainly about his business) ofcourse but I really enjoyed it. I also would like to add that the reason he is so focused on his business at the moment is because it went down the swanny when I had the A, so I believe him getting his business back on track is part of our recovery. I didn't want to go overboard and start to seduce him but I did dress up nicely. That is the first time we have been out together in 5 months. I am not prepared for Sf until he has been tested.

Constant - thanks for the detailed info that is really interesting stuff. The OM smoked joints, one every day, he offered it to me but I don't like the stuff it makes me sick and dizzy. Anyway I was more refering to the fact that he wanted us to spend evening doing Coke, I said no, this was when the rose tinted glasses wore off.

My H and I are very against drugs, we have both experimented in the past but when we first got together he said that he did not want drugs to be any part of our relationship. I found this VERY attractive about my H, as there are a lot of guys out there who do drugs and would not care if there parner did.

I feel very in love with my husband today. I am very worried about facing his family if it gets to that point, I have always found them to be intimidating anyway, so this time it will be even worse, and this is where you can call me a coward! Yikes.

Put on those BIG GIRL PANTIES !

As for the intimidation ... a sincere and humble apology, done correctly, can show off some of your new-found integrity.
Once you recognize and exercise your OWN integrity, the opinion of others starts to diminish in importance.

If I may suggest something ... Apologize to his family members this weekend.
Get'er'done.

You are not a coward, I was terrified to be with wheels family, I thought when I came back home (from plan B) that I wasn't going to see his family for 4 months, they were all planning a cabin trip in yellowstone during the summer vacation and has been planning all year long. But as soon as I came back home his grandfather died, so OF course I would be going to the funeral to support my husband on that sad day.

None the less I was very frightened and I remember even having a fight about this with wheels, because he said "if you don't want to go you don't have to." Well I thought he was saying he didn't care if I came or not, I don't know about you but if someone died that close to you your spouse should always support you and go to the funeral, and I wanted to go I was just soo afraid of his family. They knew EVERYTHING!!

It turned out to be the best vacation with wheels and I had, my mom stayed home with the kids and it was only wheels and I in the hotel room, and it felt soo great to be with him again and to spend time with him. But when we were with his family I did feel a little distant from them, but all I did was "pretend" that nothing happened. I had already apologized to all of his family, but no one brought up the affair and I definitely was not going to bring it up. There was only one time that his mother said something to me that was a little lashing out, it wasn't anything HUGE, and no one noticed but me. (it's kinda one of those things when someone has an attitude and just say's one little comment, and you can totally feel that energy from them? that's how it felt like) but all together it was a GREAT trip!

What I did to help me cope with my "cowardliness" is that I just pretend that it didn't happen, I still hugged them, talked with them, laughed with them, mourned with them, and had fun with them. I know they will never forget what I have done, but in time I know they will see that wheels and I are really working things out and really do love each other and is willing to do anything to keep this marriage a live.

In all honesty I think my family may still feel contempt for Sapph. however I do not let what my family thinks about her affect our relationship. My family will get the clue when they see that we are both undoubtedly fallen in love with each other for the next couple of years. Yes....YEARS!

It still wouldnt hurt to let them know constantly that you are remorseful for your actions, and that you sincerly apologize.

Ok Good, with all the hedonisim out there and not knowing what your stand was I felt it important to bring that up.


The rose colored glasses came off then, well that was a boundary that you were aware of that could not be crossed. The danger flags went up, and you saw what he was about.

So are the boundarys you are working on now. Like many people who have learned the hard way about boundries, don't you wish you had just listened to those who warned us before?

What you will learn here is that all the rules apply in a healthy marriage, but because it has to do with people and the emotions some rules that are broken carry more weight and do more damage than others. Its not simply a rulebook and you are entitled to break one or two if you keep 100.

I am sure you get where i'm going, the affair hurt H greatly and your marriage, much more than his clingyness, treating you like his mom, and his not taking care of your emotional needs. His revenge affairs of course drove the wedge deeper and two wrongs don't make a right.

Many BS who come here for recovery have suffer the pain from being separated from thier spouse and the confusion of what , why and how this happened to them. The most important thing we can give them is love for themselves first. Knowledge that they did not do anything to cause that disaster that is not common to mankind. To help them restore thier selfrespect. With that knowledge also comes the understanding that marriage is a spirtual endevour that makes two 1, as we love each other thru actions that come from our convictions of truth and what protects the individual,(boundarys), will protect our mate.

The emphasis is on you to stand for yourself first, and not let what others do cause you to fall. Then to fight for what you want. If you value your marriage you will fight for it and as soon as you understand and accept the discipline you will adopt it, boudaries will form.

Right now what is your brain telling you? Has what you've read here made sense? Besides what you have experienced and how you can relate to it much more understanding will be obtained through practicing the disciplines of a good marraige, but you have to have the guts to believe and do them.

God bless

Hitch,

Well apart from the "big girl panties", you might also might want to think about this.

How can you be intimidated if you are doing the right thing?
How can you be intimidated if you KNOW you are doing the right thing and the right thing aligns with your morals and boundaries?

Hitch, there is NOTHING MORE RIGHT, than doing the right thing. When you are apologizing, there is no way they are above you, because you are doing something that is hard, right, and honorable. Even if they were capable of doing what you are going to do, it would not be more powerful than what you are doing.

Hitch, intimidation is about power, in this case emotional power. You should NOT be intimidated if you are doing something emotionally very powerful and it is right.

I am "preaching" to you, because like Pep said about her H, you can respect a person that has the power to do the right thing and like you it was apologizing for a very very bad decision.

Think about what intimidates you about them, and think what it will take to apologize. You are in a position of power because you are doing the right thing. I truly believe that.

God Bless,

JL

I will apologise to her i am ok with that. I know that she probably rubbed her hands in glee when she found out about my affair, I don't take it personal that she doesn't like me as she has never liked my husbands girlfriends or her other sons wives.

I am not sure what intimidates me about her I think it is because she holds a lot of control over my husband and uses that destructively. This is not a nice woman she has hit her husband, told me she hates him, did not allow her husbands parents have anything to do with their grandchildren, called her other sons ex wife an evil vile [censored] and when her son repeatedly hit his GF ( and his ex wife) said that his GF was exaggerating things and wasn't as bad as she made out. I also think I am angry at myself for giving her a reason to say to my husband "I told you so".

I wonder why she is like this? She had a lovely life and upbringing. I expect there is story behind this somewhere as there is good in everyone right. I have tried for many years to understand the relationship between my husband and his mother. Husband only really started to admit that she can be 'difficult' a few years ago when speaking to his older 'good' bro. I got on very well with his older bro and wife, and his older bro left home at quite a young age and moved a distance away from home. He is respectful with his parents but keeps them at arms length. I sometimes wonder if she is like that because she is not happily married? Many people have told me that she has given her husband a 'dogs life' but if I have learnt anything there is often 2 sides to the story.

Any pespectives on this?

Yes my pespective, let it go hitch, her issue not mine. Be respectful, apologise with her husband and communicate your boundaries appropriately.

I am thinking of changing my name to still learning.

"Still learning" it does have a ring to it doesn't?

JL

Bottom line with your MIL, IMO she doesn't deserve much respect for her "feelings" because she doesn't respect yours.

The "good bro" probably ran for his life when he left young.

You should not be intimidated by the bully, she is miserable and her behavior shows it, treat her like the pitiful lost person she is, and be kind as you can without being a doormat.

Then try and get your H to POJA an agreement that you avoid her as much as possible.

How about, "Constant process of learning"?

Nah, to long

Constant - how about 'starting process'? That's probably more apt! I do let these toxic people get under my skin way too much. I think I just get frustrated by them.

I do have a question though. My h does treat me like his mother, but also deep down I think he is quite angry with her and that shows in how he criticises me and has angry outbursts. Is it possible for him to learn to love and care for me, the way I did for him pre A? As you said earlier, I know I hurt him way more than he has me but am I kidding myself here? I want someone who can love, care and support me back, is this possible?

Of course it is, and it is part of what happens to people as they learn waht it means to mature and become adults and how to get the best out of thier marriage.

Remember what Pep said about the power you have? Remember in the bible it said "you have not because you ask not"? JL has been teaching about boundaries right? Your personal boundaries should include what you wont do without allong with what you wont put up with. You learn whats fair and you stick it while you reach for better things. Your H wants a rich full life right? You guys have made some major boo-boos and not to minimize the As but you both can work through this.

If he has been controlled by a manipulative Mom he will need some help hitch to see it. Don't be surprised if there isn't some "Stokholm syndrome" involved with his mother the captor terrorist. He will probably have denial issues as you bring up his behavior.

Lets face it, men can be slow, stubborn, pridefull, and don't want to stop and ask for directions. We all need training.

Lets look at this from a differnt perspective shall we?
I have thought about the times I have seen younger women with older guys. Most of the women say they are with them because the older men are more mature and easier to be with. They have money, are more understanding, blah blah..

As an older guy I think about what I would be robbing a younger women from if I was to get involved with them. I would be robbing them of the aggravation and the work they have to do to grow together with the headstrong young man and stealing what is most the important character builder in life, struggle. Nothing is appreciated without it, and your marriage will be stronger for it if you stick. It will be more precious than gold.

There is no easy way to build a great marriage, simple yes but most of us do not find it easy.

No matter who you are with their will come times where you will both take each other for granted, get sick of dealing with them and their issues and think we made a mistake when our "taker" is in charge. This is our problem when we don't get honest and think, "Have I asked them to so-n-so or Am I being realistic?" ,"Have I been clear that I want a marriage that curls my toes when we have sex or a man who is able to take care of himself without whining"? " Do I tell him what I need?" <<(EN there)

Your Husband has a choice, and he needs to have time to process it. "Do I want to continue this marriage and get help or do I want to pretend I did no wrong and bail"?

To be fair he never got the big Plan B from you when you were having problems before, so he didn't see how bad you felt before you had an A. Its really your fault that he stopped being the man you thought he should be or become because you were expecting it to happen like magic. Life doesn't work like that, and what will happen if you left would be the same or even worse. If you left knowing you had the chance to save it and you just didn't try inside your conscience would allways nag at you.

See, there is no escaping doing the right thing. Your cursed now, lol because you have been told. Now do the work youngun, cuz nothing good comes without work.

Doncha just hate me now?

You mean he thinks of you like his Mom and talks to you like he wish he did with his mother right?
Thats something the guy needs to work out with a therapist, give him a break, but make sure he knows this bothers you. Yes it is a boundary you should work on with him. Your not his mother and his imagined idea that you are just like her is his problem. He needs to address it.

Ha ha I like this, will have some THINKING on this and get back to you constant. I went to see a psychic once, they said you would be brave woman to take him on. Him too right with me?

Thanks again for taking some time to give me some advice and support. It is MUCH appreciated.

Hitch

Ps I only hate you for being so wise! Lol

I like the name Hitch anyway. It reminds me of the movie. Favorite line, "I work with guys who actualy LIKE women"

Its how we face the challanges we are faced with that both forces us to grow and defines our character. Stay here, ask any questions that cross your mind no matter how dumb you might think they are, we will help you with them and give you some clarity.

Take any lumps you get from 2X4s. The swelling will go down I promise and you will learn a lot from these peeps.

You will have a unique marriage even though many of the ground rules apply to all people. I know it sounds strange, but this is two people we are talking about, vastly different than any others.

How soon do you think your H will look into the books and/or the forum?

Hint ahead of time, If he starts a thread, its best if you and him don't read each others for a while untill you have recovered. Its a place to unload with objective people and untill you can trust each other and are on the same page, it might hamper your expression.

Ok till next time..

God bless you and yours.

Update:

Husband has been out at golf all day, came in with his male friend who he went out last week, had shower, got changed and went straight back out.

I feel a bit anxious, he had that 'foggy' look in his eyes. Not as bad as last week but still there. He also talked to me differently, you know, as in I am single tonight voice. I said to him I am going out to a bar with a couple of girlfriends but I am only going to have a couple of drinks. He responded "You can do what you like" (in a nice way, but implying I will be). I hope I'm wrong.

What do I do if he stays out this time? Tell him thats it, he has disrespected me too many times and ..........

I am ready to move forward, whatever that may be.