So, to start, I am the cheating spouse. And I am ready to really get my life back in order to be the husband my wife wants and deserves.

In doing what I needed to do, I deleted my first wife's phone number and contact information from my phone, but also forwarded that info to a "private" email. After reading the first two chapters of "Survivng an Affair," my wife had discovered this fact. I realized my error and not only deleted the contact completely, I also killed that email account and then told my wife that I had done this. Much to my dismay, but probably not unexpectedly, she got angered that I had not only forwarded this to myself, I was not totally up front with her.

I would like to think this behavior is a self preservation attempt, but that too is not exactly what it is. I honestly am not quite sure what made me do it. And I am afraid I will do this and other things again.

My question is this, we had had a good day, (this after she discovered my forwarding of the information,) and I told her after this good day. I feel now that perhaps I should NOT have told her... but this would not have been right either.

We are sleeping in separate beds and I am not at all comfortabe with this. I really want to make this work, and am really trying. But also making big mistakes along the way. I need to get through this thing about the contact info and assure her I am really going to try and do it right this time.

HELP?!?!

The problem is that your explanation is not believable. If you are going to lie, I would work on your lying skills, because a 3 year old could understand why you did what you did. So saying you don't know why you did it means you are either insane or dishonest.

You forwarded your x-wife's contact information so you would have it for future contact. That is the simple truth. And you didn't tell your wife because you knew she wouldn't approve and you were being a coward. Has nothing to do with self preservation, but cowardice.

Can you give us some background about your affair, your marriage, etc?

Ok, so that nail is hit on the head.

10 year marriage, married after she became pregnant with our son who is now 10. She brought two daughters to the marriage, one now 15, other is 11. (11 y/o is adopted my be.)

Unfortunately, this is not my first affair, but I do want it to be the last.

Problems started approximately a year ago when I received an email from a lady I did not know with a subject line, "Your Wife." I nearly did not open it as I thought it to be spam the had somehow slipped through. I opened it anyway, and quickly discovered it WAS about my wife. She had sent a video of herself topless to a "high school friend." Needless to say, this had put a damper on a marriage that was already on it's way down due to my previous indiscretions and my constantly being on the road as I am a truck driver.

We started counseling 09/09 and were on a road to recovery. After some time again, and a job change that brought me home, we started arguing again. We are both tempermental people. Middle ground is and has been hard to come by.

I had started talking to my ex-wife again, and our friendship picked up like it never stopped. But that was not going anywhere as we had both made it clear it could and would not, but I still felt like something missing in my marriage. Our sexual life had come and gone, depending on her headaches or her constantly being tired, or if she just wanted to be in her mood as I come to call it, (angry all the time.) And I was and am tired of it.

It was a morning after a particularly bad fight, and I had opened up an instant messenger to find a message from another lady whom I had only texted with a few times before and I surely needed someone to talk to. And so we did, me laying out about how yet another night had gone with constant fighting and many more nights after that with either the fights or the feeling of not being fulfilled physically.

A couple of months passed and she started talking about how she would take care of me if she were with me and how things could be different. Of course, the feeling of being wanted and being taken care of began to peek my interest. She asked for pictures of me, and I obliged. Headlong into the same thing that had just happened to me a year ago.

Of course, my wife discovered the email with the sent pictures, and here we are today.

One of the ground rules we laid out was to cut all contacts of the opposite sex. Willingly done with the exception of the ex.

Yeah, I have made some mistakes, and am sure to make more. But it is also my intention to make changes in my life to be a better me. 44 years old and still acting like a 9 or 10 year old at times is not an option. And right now, my options are very limited.

That is one of the smartest moves you have made, EXCEPT for continued contact with your EX. Have you ended all contact with her?

Your marriage can be turned around, Brian, if you follow this program. This program will help you rebuild the romantic love in your marriage.

You are headed in the right direction by quitting your traveling job and ending all contact with the opposite sex.

I would order 3 books and follow the program outlined in them: Surviving an Affair, Lovebusters and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. [they sell those books cheap here]

The most impactful thing you can do for your marriage is schedule 20+ hours per week of undivided attention with your wife meeting these top 4 needs: affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. This time should spent away from kids; no TV and no movies, complete undivided attention towards each other. That will make the fastest love bank deposits.

p.s. I would start with the book LOVEBUSTERS so you and your wife can learn to stop fighting. Read it together, chapter by chapter and follow the program in the book. That will set you up so you can start falling in love again.

Go take the Lovebusters questionaire, both of you, and exchange them. Lovebusters questionaire

We have the "Survivng an Affair" book. Unfortunately, we did not get to read our chapter tonight. (We decided to read one to two chapters a night.) This was due to my revelation about deleting that email account.

And to that, I can "proudly" say, yes, ALL contact with my ex is severed. All day today has been good in the thought that I was not going to talk to the ex, and thus the reason for deleting that private email account where I had forwarded the contact info.

However, scheduling even 5 minutes to be alone with her is going to be hard. As of last night, and at our counselors suggestion, we are in separate beds. She would actually prefer us to have a "trial" separation, and I think my wife would go for that were it not for the pay cut I took and needing to make sure her and the kids have a roof over their heads and food to eat. Thus the reason I am up so late as well, I can not sleep.

Ditch your counsellor- she is going to destroy your marriage. Sleep in the same bed. Schedule 20 hours a week together. The solution is MORE time together, not less.

If you don't do this you WILL end up divorced

I would fire the counselor. A "trial separation" is more likely to lead to divorce. Your counselor doesn't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and will cause more harm than good.

Brian, does your wife want to save the marriage? If so, then a "separation" is a bad idea. A "trial separation" only leads to divorce. If your car is broken down in the garage, do you go to the garage to fix it or do you drive to Cleveland? The point is that you can't very well fix the marriage if you aren't there.

Does she want to save the marriage?

Right now, I can not say that my wife wants to save the marriage, and to be honest, I really could not blame her if she did not.

I agree, the answer is more time together, but how do I convince her of that without sounding clingy. I just got yelled at because she had to expend so much energy at church trying to pretend everything was alright when it is not. What she did not see at church was me hiding in a corner crying, talking to a Stephens Minister, and generally fighting to keep myself together. If I told her this, she would just fire back at me about something, so I am choosing to let her be mad, hoping that it does not lead to further fighting. Am I wrong in this?

So, how do I convince my wife that we need to spend more time together when she does not want to right now? I would like for her to see this thread as well, but would probably endure even more daggers if I did. I don't want to hide it from her, and I feel bad enough even posting here now as I am sure will have something negative to say about it.

Yeah, when I screwed up, I really screwed up.

Well, it may also be that she is at the end of her rope. If she forgave you for serial cheating and then discovered you were still being dishonest, it might have pushed her over the edge. Most people wouldn't tolerate a serial cheater in the first place.

I guess the best you can do is stop feeling sorry for yourself [very inappropriate] and do your best to tend to her wounds. Maybe her anger will blow over.

Why do you fight?
Why do you fight constantly?
What is loving about constant fighting?
What marriage problems have you resolved by fighting?
How many lovebank deposits have you made by fighting?
Does fighting make you feel like a winner the following day?
Does fighting make your wife love you more?
What has constant fighting taught your children about relationships?

Perhaps to sum it up, Nothing, no, and not good. And why would it make me feel like a winner when usually I am the one conceding, (though I feel resentful,) no matter the outcome. Right now, I am in the mode of whatever if it means no fighting. The wife summed it up today, though not acurately, that I seem to be not bothered with our issues. I hide my feelings now because I feel if I talk to her about it, it will end up in a fight, or at the least, me being made to feel like a heal. Someone said to quit beating myself up for it, hard to do that when the one I want to fix my marriage with is beating me up.

Oh yeah, our agreement to delete and end contacts with the opposite sex seems to be one sided... checked out her messenger friends and she still has two old BF's on there. But of course if I confront her with it, it will be yet another fight, or at best me being made to feel guilty, of course which I am.

I don't know... I am tired, frustrated with myself, and so ready to just crawl away. I have fought alcoholism, drug addictions, near insanity, and nothing compares to this.

I would love nothing more than tend to her wounds. But how? Now that I have confessed I did wrong, (the last straw,) and deleted that account and contact, she does not want to be near me. But yet, we did share a few laughs over lunch about a video with a dog... should this be taken as a small glimmer of hope?

Has she had an affair? I agree that neither of you should have opposite sex friendships, but are you kidding me that you have the NERVE to push this with her when it is you who has had multiple affairs???


I am sure your feelings pale in comparison to hers. You brought this on yourself; she never signed up for your serial cheating. I would focus on helping her recover from the abuse you have heaped upon her.

You are an extremely abusive spouse and don't really deserve to have a marriage at all. What you have done to her is more abusive than physical assault.

It will take her YEARS to get over your abuse. She is not going to just "get over it" overnight. We are talking YEARS.

What has worked in your marriage?
What are your strengths?

I started to respond to this in a negative way, but had an opportunity to pray WITH my wife as well as have a few minutes of talk. As I prayed, I called to rememberance some of the things I fell in love with about my wife. She is creative, smart, loving, and very beautiful.

I was also reminded that Satan does not want marriages to work. He will use things like my unfaithfulness against us. And when a WS decides he is done with the things that he has done to damage the marriage and ruin the trust, he may well attack in other ways and through other people who otherwise may be well intentioned. Even to the point that perhaps a comment may be taken as an attack.

To this point as to whether my wife has cheated in the past is NOT an issue. God has sealed our past when we came to him and asked forgiveness. And because Christ has shed His blood for our sins, we stand forgiven before God. It is then with his help and by his mercy that we are able to reconcile on earth.



This advice, helping her recover is going to be my top priority. She is the mother of our three wonderful children. She graduated Valedictorian when she finally obtained her AA, (a feat to which I can not claim.) She overcame an addiction to smoking. And by golly, she is going to know that she is the most wonderful woman and I will let the whole world know it.


Here is where I am going to draw the line. Yes, what has happened was abusive. No excuse. But for you to judge what I or anyone else deserves is NOT your right. I did not come here to be judged, but rather seek counsel. I am not perfect, and only the one who is perfect may judge me. As Jesus said to the men who brought the cheating woman before him to be stoned, "Let he who has no sin cast the first stone." As He wrote in the sand, each man slipped away not casting a stone upon her. If this woman, who was caught in the act, could be forgiven by Jesus and turn her life around, there is NO reason that I can not do the same.

It is going to be hard, no doubt, and I have the bulk of the work to do now, but I am going to make the changes I need to in order to be the husband God has intended me to be to my wife when we were married. And no one is going to disuade me from that.

What has worked is when, like tonight, I start seeing my wife the way God does, smart, creative, loving, compassionate, and many more, then I can love her and only her.

my strengths? I am bullheaded, (though this can be a double edged sword if focus is not there.) I will beat this unfaithfulness in me. I will not be discouraged and I will not lose the fight.

A "trial" separation is practicing for divorce. Ditch the counsellor immediately. Counsellor is clearly not pro marriage.