I am a first time poster here, but unfortunately I have some experience as a BS. I'll give a little background...

Six years ago I discovered my 1st wife was in an A. I tried to get her into MC, to give the marriage the effort it deserves, etc. She only went twice before declaring it a waste of time. She refused to cut off contact with the OM, which I endured for a couple of months before telling her that I wouldn't continue trying to salvage the M by myself. She moved out and we subsequently divorced.

I continued in IC for 9 months to try to address my issues in causing the M to fail. During this time I looked up my first love from way back in HS (I was 43 at the time). She was divorced with 2 sons and we hit off immediately. Everything worked - the kids wanted a proper family, we communicated well, even fought well. It was the most natural, easy relatationship I'd ever seen, by far.

We married 18 months later and I moved to her city (150 miles from where I lived). My role was to take care of the home & kids (they were 12 & 9 at the time). I was fortunate to have enough saved to retire and still contribute an income to the family.

We've been married 4 years now and my W has become increasingly distant. Sex became more infrequent (menopause, I was told), interaction has gone to exchanging niceties. I've been wondering what to do to cause a shift back to the way we were - but haven't done anything. Last Saturday I discovered evidence of an affair which led to 2 hours of snooping that gave me proof and I called her that night to confront the topic, while she was with the OM.

Her initial reaction was to say she felt the M was completely over, but within a day she said she was confused as to what to do, but is willing to listen to my side without making any commitment right now. I asked her to suspend the A which she agreed to do - but she thinks that means just the physical part of the affair. They are in contact via email, cell or text 10-20 times per day. We are talking, she has gotten out all of the reasons she was unhappy. We've done this in a civil fashion.

I will walk thru fire to save my M and my family. Even though I step-parent I will not leave those kids, not ever. They will not have a 2nd father walk out on them. And I am determined to save my marriage. Even though I am suffering terribly by her actions I still love her like an animal and could not let her go if there is any shred of hope for us.

I am looking any suggestions for next steps - I feel lost - and advice on how to work my problem in a way that will show her that we are not just salvagable, but can be unbreakable.

Who is the OM? Is he married?

OM is 48 (same as us), separated for 6 months with 2 college-age children. He lives 180 miles away. He looked her up on facebook in May - they also dated in HS. Retired cop, recovering drunk.

fight, the most effective weapon you have against this affair is exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is ruinous to them. Dr Harley addresses exposure here:

Entire article here

And then read this:

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Did the OM separate from his wife over this affair?

According to my W the OM has been seperated for several months.

I read the article on exposure and I see the possibility in it, but boy am I scared to do anything that might threaten the thread I'm hanging on by. I planned on asking for true NC in our first MC session this week and see what kind of reation that brings, and then setting a time limit on compliance.

Exposure seems pretty radical, but I have to say that her expectation is for me to remain a force in the children's lives even though she is treating me like yesterday's trash. Its like I'm supposed to help her make a terrible decision work! But how does this not cause permanent damage? Does the fog truly lift and they return to the marriage? Can someone who's done this tell me how it worked?

This is probably a lie. OM lie about their marital status quite often. Adulterers routinely lie about their marital status so the other betrayed spouse will not bust him. I would start here by calling his wife to find out the truth. Also, if they are still married, she can use evidence of this affair in her divorce case.


You should be scared to NOT DO it, because not doing it ensures the affair gets more and more entrenched. The more entrenched, the more likely it is to destroy your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret only serves to ENABLE IT.

Dr Harley tells another man on his radio show, whose marriage was headed towards divorce because of his wife's affair, that it is hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler.

listen here


Exposure is not "radical," adultery is radical.

If you want to save your marriage, we will help you develop a strategic plan to expose the affair. And yes, the fog truly lifts and often they return to the marriage. They are initially furious but that goes away quickly. When the fog wears off, waywards are very grateful that the BS fought for their marriage.

Thank you so much, ML. After thinking about it overnight, I've come to the conclusion that anything is better than sitting back and watching my family be destroyed. I'm in, I'm going to go the exposure route.

I'm sure there are ways to do this and ways not to. Let me post what I know for sure and perhaps someone can offer suggestions.

I know for sure (facebook records) that they began corresponding in late May. I also know for sure that last week was the first time she went to his house (GPS records). Given the distance between them (180m) I am relatively certain that there could only have 1 or 2 other opportunities to meet. The EA is more troubling. 145 phone calls were made between them in the past month to/from her person cell alone, and at least 200 text messages.

I have not demanded NC - yet. We've had several hours of respectful and honest discussion about our marriage, many tears, but after a few days she was getting overloaded and we've dialed it back a little. She is pleasant, even affectionate, but she is not willing to commit to fixing our M. MC starts this Thu, she is already in IC.

I am sad to hear she is in IC. That could be devastating to your marriage. An IC's purpose is not to support your marriage, but to support your WS's current feelings. If she is fogged out in an addictive affair, the IC will help her obtain her desires of the moment, which may be to pursue the OM. An IC has no comprehension of how the affair is fogging her thinking.

The damage we see on this board from traditional marriage counselors and individual counselors is mind boggling. They are destructive to marriages. Traditional marriage counseling, for example, has an 84% failure rate. MC's have a higher divorce rate than the general population.

Marriage counseling will be a complete waste of time as long as your wife is still in affair. It is like trying to "counsel" a falling down drunk. It doesn't work until the person puts down the drink. It is the same with an affair.

Your most powerful weapon in saving this marriage is to do a strategic exposure followed by a respectful DEMAND that she end her affair. A thoughtful REQUEST will not suffice, it needs to be a demand.

I would plan to do your exposures all in one day. It should have a tsunami effect that prevents the affairees from pre-empting you and spinning the story.

Exposure targets should be:

1. OM's wife
2. her parents, your parents, the OM's parents
3. children over the age of 5
4. close family and friends
5. pastor
6. OM's facebook friends [we have a template for this]
7. employer if this is a workplace affair

Go check this article out by Dr Harley about the ineffectiveness of marriage counseling: How Dr Harley learned to Save Marriages

I have composed letters for the OM's wife & children, and for my WW's family members. Just spoke to her by phone and told her that NC is now on the table as a minimum requirement. Asked her about how much contact is going on & she lied. Called her on it & she broke down and is coming home. Should be a fun afternoon.

how do I get the facebook template?

Fightforlife, good job! I would strongly recommend that you CALL the OMW because your letter will be intercepted. Do not tell your wife you are going to expose. Don't threaten, dont say anything until afterwards.

Here are the facebook templates. Before you do this, copy the OM's contacts into a WORD doc. Send out private emails to his contacts and space them one minute apart. [or facebook will think you are flooding]

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

okay,we finally had a real discussion today. I told her that I believe we can be unbreakable but the A has to stop now, full and complete NC. I told her I demand it and she owes it to me, the M, the kids and even to herself. She acknowledged that I was justified to demand this, but no commitment yet. I'm not going to futz around on this - I either get a commitment or exposure begins.

This is her answer .... forget about "yet".

Exposure full speed ahead.

No - expose now. This isn't either/ or. This isn't something she gets to 'think' about or 'get strength' for or 'do right' it is something she does.

She will not end this because she is in an addiction. You don't hand the crack addict her pipe to throw away and trust her to 'do the right thing'. You have the intervention.

Expose, nuclear, right now.

You can handle her anger.

Your marriage will not survive her continued adultery.

Look, everyone seems to agree that the NC demand is seldom met at first. She gets the benefit of giving me an answer before I go postal. I have little doubt that she will be unable to comply or perhaps even to give me an answer and the matter will be settled at that point. She doesn't even realize that I have access to her cell phone records in real time.

That's fine but whatever you do, do NOT threaten her with exposure when you make your demand. Exposure is something you just do. It's not the result of an ultimatium nor is it done to be vengeful.

I personally think you're making a HUGE mistake by not exposing NOW, but guess that's one lesson you'll have to learn the hard way.

There is nothing "postal" in the MB play-book.

MB is very strategic and done with love.

She deserves NO benefits to aid her A. Expose this A if you want to kill it.

by postal I mean blowing up the A. I have made no threats and will not. Between having an empowering strategy and a little Ativan I feel very much in control of my emotions right now.