Hi All,

I need help. I love my wife and kids more than life but I may be in over my head. I'm new to these forums but I'll do my best - sorry if this is long. Our profile:

BS(H) (Me) - 38yo
WW - 37yo SAHM
OM - 37yo, married
DD - 5yo
DS - 2yo
Together 17 years
Married 7 years
Length of EA: 7 months, 1 FR for 1 month
D-Day: May 24th, 2010

My WW and I have had a very loving, sweet, and passionate marriage most of our lives, but we did fight quite a bit. I came from a very emotionally abusive home, and although I never adopted the worst of those behaviors because I could see clearly that they were wrong, I was blind to the subtle ones I was doing (teasing, dismissing feelings, debating/overanalyzing, being generally crabby and acting like a jerk sometimes because I was depressed). My WW also comes from a dysfunctional home (emotionally abusive, unfaithful, alcoholic mom).

In April (4+ months ago) I was having some anxiety issues and went into counseling. VERY quickly realized I had been severely emotionally abused as a kid and was maybe not interacting with the world the way a healthy person would (I'm candy-coating this here). So I started working on it, going to therapy, and reading everything I could. And when I came to the literature on spouses it hit me like a punch in the gut - my wife had all the symptoms - she was feeling abused by me and I had been blind to the pain I was causing her. It was the SADDEST realization of my life. I made a vow from that day forward to change and work on this for the rest of my life and give her the great husband she always deserved. I am happy to say I am following through - literally since day one I have faced my fears and insecurities, focused on never trying to control her or our situation, and gotten rid of all my annoying/insensitive behaviors. I never yell anymore and treat her and everyone with respect and love as equals. I accept now when I don't get what I want, even love. I truly am starting to feel a lot better about myself.

Here's the problem - when I started to "wake up" from my depression and my issues, I started paying more attention to my WW and listening to her more. And I noticed for the first time something was wrong. So I gently asked her about it, and gave her space to talk about it. Then a month into my therapy it all came out. Apparently she didn't have as much guilt when she thought I was a jerk, but after a month of my therapy she started to see real changes in me and loved me for it and couldn't take the guilt anymore. She slowly confessed, piece by piece.

She re-connected with a guy (OM) she liked in HS on Facebook (I HATE FACEBOOK! - the bane of all marriages). She was in true "fairy tale love". This and other sites have helped me understand that it is not real love but affair crap - I have heard all the standard fare - ILYBINILWU, we're soulmates, I wish I had married him, we "found" each other, it's not cheating it's "fate", plus the revisionist history of our marriage (I never was in love with you like a wife should be, there's something missing between us, etc.) Insanity. The sad part is that she has always told me and still does that I am 90% her dream man - the only single complaint she has ever had was my jerky depressed behavior before. She truly has always loved everything else about me and us.

The first week was agony - my whole existence was shattered. She dropped the bomb on me the first day of my new promotion at work - I almost lost the position and my job, which would've sucked because I am the sole breadwinner for my family. Thank God the OM is 1500 miles away, married, and has money problems, plus I have seen all their messages so I know there is no PA. I took the advice of another affair help site and demanded they end all contact or I would expose the affair to the OMW. My WW had no problem with this as she was ready to move into an apartment with him and start their fairy-tale romance/marriage. Predictably, when push came to shove, OM wouldn't let me tell OMW, but instead chose to drop my WW like a hot potato. It hurt her deeply but she wouldn't tell me.

She told me she was NC. I trusted her. 3 weeks of "withdrawal". We then went on vacation and tried to "re-connect" with each other. I've read this whole site and have eliminated LBs and am doing everything I can to meet her ENs. I learned fromthe affair. I really believed it was working - I actually think it did a bit. She was not ambivalent at all when the affair first came out - she wanted to leave. Since seeing my therapy and vacationing she is very ambivalent - on the fence. Anyway, she lied. She was not NC - they were chatting on FB (not on vacation but leading up to it). After our vacation OM broke it off and sent WW a letter admitting he would never leave OMW. She then sent breakup letter stating she was hurt and they would never actually be together IRL. My WW is obsessive (borderline OCD) and couldn't let go - she watched his FB page all day and re-read all their love letters. She would fade in and out of connection with me. Then a month ago she started freaking out and pressuring me like crazy to let them talk and be friends. Everything in me said no, but I felt guilty about my past behavior and I wanted to trust her so I considered. And when she sensed that weakness, she threatened to leave if I didn't let her be friends with him. I panicked. Then as I got close to saying yes, she hit me with "well, not just friends. I want to be able to talk with him the way I did before (i.e, combination of lovesick teenagers and pornographic) but it will help our marriage. I know I'll never be with him and this will help me get closure so I can focus on us again. I'll take all the love and sex feelings I get from it and put them back into our marriage while you continue your therapy."

I buckled like an idiot.

So now she is talking to him again. She was so happy with me that I let her do this, she tells me now that she just needs closure and she will figure this out and let go of him and then go through withdrawal, and then says she will commit 100% to me and this marriage again. She always tells me she loves me and that I shouldn't worry - her and I are going to be together and they never will and that it will be over in a few months.

I am so confused as to what to do next. I have been working Plan A for 3 months and it really does seem to have helped. She is more open and honest with me. She lies to him and tells me the truth most of the time (I have intelligence in place in several areas and know when she is lying, but I keep it for a rainy day). She is loving and affectionate most of the time (some days she is distant or wants space). Our sex life is suffering, but it was always fantastic (both our words) so even now it is still good. She tells me she considers ending it with OM every single day and that it isn't giving her the same hit it used to - it's making her depressed. She is also getting very jealous of OMW and obsesses over her as well.

I guess my questions are:

-Is this all a smokescreen? I've seen their messages and they make me sick and hurt, but it does look like they have both accepted that they will not ever actually be together. it is all online fantasy now and "wishes" and "dreams" and "what-ifs".

-She seems sincere when she says she is sad and depressed and never should have started this - there is recognition of her massive mistake there. She just can't seem to let go of her addiction. She calls it her Prozac. Is this just lies? Is she hoping to convince him to leave his wife?

-When do I go to Plan B?

-How do I act now during Plan A? She likes the new me and I can see that it is working, but her one complaint is that I am now clingy and insecure. I know it's true but how the hell can I not be right now?

-Do I expose to OMW? I am really scared of this one. I made a decision early on that I can forgive my wife's EA as we were both responsible for the problems in our marriage and she stuck by me when I was messed up - I owe her the same. But I cannot forgive a PA - I just can't. I'm afraid that if I expose to OMW, she will kick him out and he will find a way to see my WW and they will sleep together, and then all this work will be for naught because my boundaries there are firm. I have two kids to think of - I don't want to rip this family apart if we can get through this without it.

-Lastly, my wife has very few to no friends outside our marriage (one of her issues), and so always wants to talk to me about OM and her problem. I always do lovingly and understandingly. Should I not?

HELP!

Sorry to hear your situation, but just so you know your not alone. I'm in the same predicament. My wife has been having a EA with her online friend for over 3 years and denies how it effects her attitude towards me and she's actually met him (last met 2 weeks ago). She thinks I don't know about it.

Sadly, but I've been thinking if she feels that the grass is greener then get out and go for it, but you have kids to think of.

I have a thread that's just been moved to this forum, read it if you like.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1932204#Post1932204

HI Humbled, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

Your wife is in an emotional affair, which is the step just before it goes physical. She is becoming more and more in love with him the longer this is allowed to go on. This is headed towards disaster if you don't stop it.


This all sounds true. The OM is an addiction.


Around 6 months after D-Day or earlier if her abuse is wearing you down.


You stop being clingy and insecure. It is repulsive. Plan A means 2 things:

1. opening up a can of serious WHOOPASS on the affair, that means exposing the affair to everyone and even confronting the OM. It means doing everything in your power to KILL the affair.

2. offering to be willing to allow her to EARN your forgiveness in the future if she ends her affair. Offering to meet her needs in the future if she ends her affair


By not exposing it, you are almost ensuring the affair goes further. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so by keeping this secret, you become an ENABLER. Dr Harley calls men who do this "enablers." You are harming the OM's wife by keeping this dirty secret from her. She can't very well protect herself and her children if you won't tell her. Nor can she stop her husband if she doesn't know about the affair.

Many of us have saved our marriages and are in happy marriages today because we exposed. The ones who don't expose are much more likely to end up divorced. Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says about exposure:

entire article here

Here is a radio clip of a caller who is your future. He didn't expose, just like you, and now his wife is LEAVING him for the OM. [THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE HEADED] Dr Harley tells a caller it is very difficult to end an affair when you are an enabler. He tells him to EXPOSE the affair here

Exposure is the most potent weapon you have to save your marriage. If you don't expose, you don't have much hope of saving your marriage. Enabling will kill your marriage.


By doing this you are essentially ENDORSING her adultery. That is very inappropriate and I would stop that now. You should be doing everything in your power to inject reality into her fantasy, not fueling her fantasy.

Please listen to the radio link I posted above. The man hid his wife's affair just like you are doing and now his wife is LEAVING him for the OM. That is where you are headed by keeping this a secret.

Humbled, I strongly suggest that you start fighting for your marriage if you want to save this. Its time to MAN UP, my friend!

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

I have never seen "threats" to expose do anything other than drive the affairees further underground. It is a huge strategic mistake as you have discovered. It is like giving your battle plan to the enemy. They just take your plan and use it to help them hide better. That is exactly what happened here as you can see.

And something else probably happened too. I betcha the OMW doesn't believe you when you first contact her. Wanna know why? Since you showed your battle plan to the OMEnemy, he went to his wife and told her all about you so he would be protected if you did call: "dear, I have an old friend from high school and her husband is a jealous nut job who imagines we are having an affair just because I see her on facebook! The guy is crazy and abusive and has called other men on her facebook. I am just giving you a heads up about this nut!"

Then when you do call, it will take a lot to overcome his discrediting. So, you have made it harder to do an effective exposure by showing your hand.

Hopefully you can overcome that by producing evidence. Do you have evidence?

Thank you both for replying and thank you MelodyLane! I was hoping one of the more senior members would help. I am such a mess right now - like many others, I have devoted my life to my wife and children and I love them so damn much.

I listened to the radio clip, but I am confused by it because the Dr. says on there that exposure should be part of Plan B(?) I am so open to everyone's advice, but I am still concerned about exposure at this point for several reasons:

1. As I said, there are some protections against a PA in place already (distance, etc.) Also, the OM had tried to come to our state twice during the height of the affair in April and my wife had refused/asked him for two more years before she would leave me and kids. I have seen proof of this. I do think she has massive internal blocks in place against going full PA.
2. However, she has mentioned separating and dating others several times during this. She says it is because of our past problems, but I know damn well it is just so she can turn this into a PA and then not feel guilty about it when she wants to come back back because we were "separated". She has even hinted at this herself.
3. The OM and OMW do not have any children, have only been together 5 years and married 2. I really think OMW might just leave him if she finds out, in which case that will not help me at all but will instead just make him more available to my wife.
4. I admit, my wife and I have made a pact, which is actually a secret between us. I promised not to expose her affair and she promised not to expose my emotional abuse/mistreatment. As I have said before, I own my problem completely and have taken full responsibility for it, but I also am so ashamed. I feel like if it all comes out in the open, no matter how mild it was or how hard I am trying or how good of a husband and father I am, everyone will side with her and tell her to leave me. I don't know why I feel this way, probably because I am insecure.
5. We have moved to a new state 5 years ago and left all our family and connections behind. My wife and I are pretty isolated (not me trying to isolate her - joint decision to move based on a job, housing, etc.) The problem is my wife doesn't have a lot of people in her life to influence her positively. Her brother is the only one I can think of (good man and friend, Christian, advocates marriage and family). Her mother was a serial adulterer when her dad was alive, her older sister is in a loveless marriage and would probably think the affair is exciting, and her younger sister lives life as a hippy and doesn't make much of marriage vows, etc. We don't attend church and my wife has made no efforts to make any real friends since moving here. So where is my support? That's half the problem - this OM is basically my wife's BF besides me.

I'm not trying to avoid exposure, I'm just wanting to make sure you have all the facts and I am nervous about making a mistake. She told me again just last night she knows she needs to let OM go and she is trying. She says she almost deleted him the other day and she knows she cannot last like this. She has also admitted in moments of love and lucidity that all her threats of separating and leaving are just that - threats, and that she has no intention of actually leaving me. Because of all this, do I give her more time to handle this herself before I make such a massive LU withdrawal as exposing? I really don't want to push her to move out, because as I said, that will make the affair go full PA, I just know it. Right now her conscience regarding her marriage and his marriage are holding her back because she knows she is not separated and that he is choosing his wife. I really worry that exposure will potentially remove both those blocks.

Oh, also - yes, I have a LOT of irrefutable evidence of the online affair, including printouts and even soft copies of all their messages, in their original format, where you can see clearly that it is not doctored in any way.

The problem with the tactic you are using is that even if this doesn't escalate to the level of a PA or your WW leaving you RIGHT NOW, the door is left WIDE OPEN for that to happen at any time. Any time.

And if you think negotiating with your WW keeps you safe, you are sadly mistaken.

Because affairs have the same effect as an addiction on the brain, waywards often do & say the same thing. We call this "the script" and we can better predict what your WW is going to do than you can...

One of the things in the script is that waywards will do or say ANYTHING to get you to allow contact to resume. So what does this mean? All the things she said to you to get you to back off and allow this online affair to continue? You can't believe any of it.

Some things that you need to absorb...and FAST:

~ This isn't your wife. She is the same as a crack addict still taking hits off the pipe.

~ She isn't going to give the crack pipe (OM) up without exposure. Even if she did, it would be temporary, like hours.

~ Every contact they have endangers your M. It doesn't matter if it isn't a PA. Have you read the Basic Concepts? Do you understand the Love Bank? Every time they have contact, OM is making LB$ deposits and your WW becomes more entrenched in the fantasy and falls more in love with OM.

~ Having OM in the picture makes it impossible for your W to fall back in love with you. Impossible. Falling back in love is one of the key parts of the MB plan to help affair-proof you M into the future.

I hope you will listen to Melody and let her help you develop a plan to bust up this A. She knows what she is talking about. The path you are on now is like watching a train wreck about to happen.

Yes, I've read through it all and I get it. I guess I just wanted to believe in my wife. She overcame bulemia and suicidal depression as a teeneager on her own without help - just found her own inner strength and a way to work through it, and I wanted to believe her when she said she could do this on her own too. I know how much she loves our kids and even though everything you say is true I do see her trying to get out of this for that reason. I also know she feels tremendous guilt about OM marriage as well. I guess I just really want to believe her.

I have to be honest, I'm really unsure about the exposure at this point. But I am listening and I know I am not thinking clearly, so I will try and gather the strength to do what you all say. Please help. Please read my comments above about our lack of a support system. What do I do?

Humbled, exposure should be done immediately so you don't have to go to Plan B, which is a separation. [I believe it was Mrs Harley who said that about Plan B and she misspoke] Dr Harley asked the man why he had not exposed yet and the man was in Plan A. You are more likely to separate if you don't expose, just as the caller on the radio show. That is where you are headed if you don't expose.

There are no protections whatsoever against the affair, your wife is in a full blown affair NOW. An emotional affair is just as powerful as a PA. The fact that it hasn't gone physical YET only means it WILL the longer this goes on.

Be keeping your wife's affair a secret you are enabling it. The longer it goes on the more entrenched it becomes.

Humbled, do you love your wife enough to help her now? Because she is helpless against this addiction. If you love her, you will stand up for her and do what is necessary to help her get over her addiction.

Enabling is not an act of love. If she were a heroin addict would you consider it an act of love to do nothing while she shoots up and destroys herself because you "wanted to believe her when she said she could do this on her own too?"

That would be reckless and irresponsible. That would be the act of a fair weather friend who only tells you what you want to hear instead of waht you need to hear.

If she did get over her addiction on her own, she will remember that you did not lift a finger to help her or your marriage. She will remember that instead of fighting for your marriage, you ENABLED HER TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR FAMILY. What kind of a husband does that?

There is huge difference between enabling and loving, my friend. Your wife needs you to show your love by fighting for your marriage instead of enabling her affair.

Okay, OKAY! I get it, and I know in my heart you'r right. Thanks for the tough love here. I'm not making excuses - it's just that I used to be such a jerk. Being aggressive or assertive was not a problem for me in the past - I acted pretty much like Ari Gold on Entourage. The old me would have packed her bags for her and tossed her out. I am trying to be more loving now, that's the problem. Once I went into therapy I worked hard to lose my attitude and be more sensitive and nice. And it worked. Now I feel like I don't always know how to be assertive even when I should, because I'm so busy trying to not run over other peoples' feelings, especially my wife's.

Okay, so today we are going away with the kids for the weekend to a friends. There will be NC with OM (she'll be w/me every minute and will have no internet access), but I won't be able to reply here either. While I am gone, please help. I've read the literature, and read through Plan A again, but I feel like I need more feedback. I will try to expose when I return (early next week) but I really want a gameplan - I want to do this right this time.

1. How do I expose to OMW? What do I say? How in-depth do I go?
2. Who in our limited sphere do I expose to? (please see earlier post)
3. Do I expose to my family as well? They are dysfunctional, don't hold much weight with my WW, and would just hold a grudge.
4. Do I expose to OM family or let OMW do it? They are all on his FB page - it would be easy to do. His parents have been married for like 27 years and his sister is OMW's BF, so I'm guessing they would disapprove.
5. How do I respond to my WW when she inevitably goes ballistic on me? I know she will and she will say "See, I knew you hadn't changed, you're trying to control me and manipulate me." I really screwed myself by agreeing to letting her talk this out with him, because now she's going to throw it in my face that I agreed to this.

Lastly, please help me with the "Stick" on Plan A. I seem to be doing really well with the Carrot (she can't find much to complain about with me - she even said the other day she has no real reason to leave anymore). How do I respond when she wants to talk endlessly with me about OM? How do I meet her ENs without looking like a fool in love with her when she's less interested?

Now you're talking sense! I would be happy to give you a plan. A strategic plan is the best way to expose.


The best way will be to call her, give her all the facts about the affair and arrange to get her all the evidence. Give her your name, phone # and email address. When you call, disguise your # with *67 so the OM won't intercept the call.



Expose to her parents, your parents, close family and friends.


Yes, you need their support. If they hold a grudge it will be because your wife mistreated you. She is a big girl and she can mend that relationship.

YOU DO IT yourself.



She will also threaten to divorce you, accuse you of "pushing" me and OM together, blah, blah,blah,... we have heard it all.

She will be spitting the most hiliarious, inane comments at you. It is critical that you do not BURST OUT LAUGHING. If you feel a laugh coming on, excuse yourself and go into another room. it will be hard!!

Just tell her "I am sorry you are so upset, dear! I will do what it takes to save my marriage." Don't try to reason with her, don't laugh and don't fight with her. It will blow over in a few days!


You DEMAND that she end all contact with the OM, so there will be nothing to talk about. And if she still tries, tell her it is inappropriate and hurtful and to please stop. You don't want to ever hear his name again.

Humble, meeting emotional needs NEVER means you tolerate abusive behavior. You have made a huge mistake by allowing her to talk to you about the OM becaues it is a HUGE LOVEBUSTER. Not only that but your sacrifice has given her false expectations of entitlement and only served to FUEL her fantasy.

Instead of bursting her fantasy affair, you FUELED IT. I hope you can see that now.

I understand. You have gone to the opposite extreme. Now its time to come back to the sane center.

You are really giving your wife the impression that you don't care because haven't fought for your marriage.

A couple more points about exposure.

1. do it all on the same day. It needs to be a tsunami effect that comes so fast and furious that the affairees don't have a chance to pre-empt you and spin the story

2. When you call family members I would suggest telling them about the affair and that you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their advice <-----real important because this seems to motivate them to help you. Ask them to speak to her and use their persuasion to influence her to end her affair.

If someone says "ok I will keep this a secret" tell them nonoono!!! Affairs thrive on secrecy so please don't keep quiet about this.

3. If that exposure target does not call your wife, then you need to tell her yourself. She should know to whom you exposed.

Here is a template letter you can use for the facebook exposure. I would send the email as a private message and space them out 1 minute apart so you don't get shut down.

Dear friends and family of JoeScumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his family should be aware that Joe is having an affair with my wife, Sally Sue. We have been married for 5 years and have __ children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence. The affair has been conducted over the internet and Joe has asked to come visit my wife on several occasions. They talk every day for hours.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks if you email me at humble@xyc.com.

Please use your influence with Joe to persuade him to leave my wife alone.

Thank you, BW <---sign your full name with your city and phone #.

Okay, early in the morning here. We got back from our weekend last night. The weekend away went really well - WW could tell something was on my mind and that I was getting more confident and less clingy, and it made her act much more loving and affectionate towards me. She liked how I looked and was very cuddly and loving towards me the whole time.

We went to bed last night and I couldn't hold it in anymore, so I started with the stick part of Plan A. She could tell something was on my mind so I told her I regretted saying it was okay for her to continue her online affair and that I had made a mistake in doing so. I told her it was never too late to do the right thing and I said "This A needs to end." I explained how I felt it was hurting us and our family, including her, and I stuck to my guns. She went through several tactics/emotions, from anger to indignance to hate, to reassuring me. But I stuck with it. She went back and forth between saying she was leaving me and saying she will be stuck with me but hates me anyway, will never be in love with me, and will leave when the kids are grown.

After talking for an hour, she finally said "Fine" and took her pillow and blanket and slept in the guest bed. She said how much she hates me. She then told me "If he goes, you go!" My reply to everything was pretty much, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you and our family and I want to work on this. If you change your mind I'll do whatever I can to make you happy." She also said "F both of you then - men are all scum!" Then she deleted everything I had ever written to her on Facebook in the last 3 months and said "There! Suffocation eliminated!" The whole incident hurts a lot, but I have to admit, the last line would have made me laugh if the whole situation weren't so scary.

She said she will needs 2-3 weeks to end this. She has built a web of lies and wants to end it with her dignity (i.e., wants him to think she is not crazy). Oddly enough, through the entire incident, she still insists that she will never, ever sleep with him, even if we were divorced. She is too angry at him for what he did to her. I do believe her on that count. In any case, she said she will stay in the guest room, and will finish this and go through the withdrawal, and when that is over she will "deal with our problems". This is really hard for me. I have to admit I did talk with her a bit and asked her why she hated me so much, and tried to "talk her down" a bit. She blamed our whole marriage and 17 years of emotional abuse.

Also, I am not trying to avoid exposure, but I may need a week or two to plan it - if this was her reaction at me gently demanding the affair stop, then I can't imagine what she will do once exposure hits. So I need time - I want to empty the bank accounts and open new ones and see a lawyer. I also need to make backup copies of my evidence.

So, help with next steps? What do I do now?

Good job! The next step will be to expose the affair PRONTO! I would also move any large amounts of money to a safe place. Make copies of the evidence and move it out of the house. That should take about one day.

Her reaction was intended to SCARE you off from further interference. You can't let her manipulate you into backing down. Go forth and expose the affair in a strategic, methodical way ASAP.


Exposure can be planned in 2 hours, H. Her anticipated fury is no reason to delay. She was angry because you have interfered in her affair; THAT IS AN EXPECTATION. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure; it can't survive an ongoing affair. Remember, the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all costs.

These are all lies. She has no intention of ending it. She said this to get you off her back. "Tapering" is an excuse to continue the affair. There is nothing "dignifed" about an affair that threatens 2 marriages, don't enable her to imagine there is any dignity in her destructive, sleazy behavior. That is not helpful to her and especially not your marriage.

Allowing her to continue in her fantasy is detrimental to saving your marriage. The more reality you can inject into her sleazy affair, the more likely she is to wake up,k which will allow you to save your marriage.

And her pledge that she will "never sleep with him" is meaningless. It is as meaningless as a falling down drunk swearing to never drink again.

Sleeping in the guest room and throwing around the divorce word was intended to a) punish you for interfering in her affair and b) scare you into submission

It is your job to interfere with her affair! You cannot let her rants and raves defer you from your mission.

Humble, you cannot stop now. If you want to save this marriage you have to go all the way and do it now. You can't "give her time to end it;" that is an excuse to prolong the affair and get you off her back.

It is handing the car keys to a drunk and letting her drive. If you want to save this marriage, you had better stand up for your marriage and take back the keys.

Relying on an addict to break her addiction - that's a recipe for failure. BTW - don't let your WW con you into falling in line with her thinking that it's not an A if she doesn't sleep with the OM.



If course you can imagine what she'll be like? Have you been reading the other stories about exposure here?



Well, for one, you can stop letting your WW set the timetable for her A.