bump

As long as you are in Plan A you meet any needs you can. Plan A is a demonstration that you are WILLING to meet her needs. Plan A is showing her that you CAN and WANT to be a good husband to her.

As long as Plan A lasts you do the absolute BEST job you can meeting her needs.

Don't talk about your relationship. Don't have conversations. Just say "Our marriage cannot survive with a 3rd party involved." Then change the subject.

It hurts doing so because I just feel like I am being used. Like now she thinks its ok and we can be friends. But I think your advise from your last line will help in that thank you.

It hurts because it is abuse. You ARE being used. That is why Plan A is temporary. You do it for as long as you possibly can - then you go Plan B to self-protect.

Plan A is NOT, nor should it EVER be a way of life.

Estimated time for Plan A is 3wks - 6 months. That is the max you should do for your own mental health. Only you can determine how long you can do this.

Not talking about the relationship will help. Healthy application of 'the stick' of Plan A helps - as BOTH parts are needed in Plan A: the carrot AND the stick.

The stick is refusing to finance the affair. The stick is calling the adultery what it is when it is mentioned. The stick is exposure.

This will be HARD. Do the best you can. We're here to help.

I feel like I am getting more and more angry. It's been over 60 days and I just look at her and its like she is no longer the same person. Thank you for the help, your kind words and strong advice is certianly encouraging

well had a horriable weekend with her. Saturday morning we were getting back together and making plans. All fell apart after my sons birthday party. But I was honest with her as to what she has done (she asked) I was not angry or disrespectful. Then told her I was no longer going to finace her life. She offered just to have her check direct deposited into my account because her bills are more than her check. I told her no. I'm not responsible for her eviction notice when it arrives or her not making her car payment or car insurance. But if she needs someone to talk to I am her but as far as "we" go Marriage can not survive long with a 3rd party.

This is a little saddistic, but Im going to argue that your weekend went rather well, as long as you did not LB. You stood up for your marriage, and you showed that you can not finance another person in your marriage. I assume you are still in plan A, she moved out, and she is still in an affair?

If it has been 60 days, and you have done a stellar plan A then start writing a plan B letter. I doubt you are being able hold yourself up any longer.

Yes how long have you been in plan A?

I agree.
Get Plan B ducks in a row.

I stayed away from LB, It was very very very hard. It took a look to not have any DJ or AO's. I have been in plan beg for the first month and plan A for another month. It was a combination of plan doormat and Plan A. Plan A has only truely been in effect without plan door mat for about a week. But she did cry and told me thank you for all I have done for her. Oh I forgot tto mention Saturday evening we went to dinner with some friends (as we were back home for the night) her friend pulled her aside twice and asked her to "remove her head from her [censored]". So durring dinner I felt some LB's comming on so I excused myself and steped outside for a smoke. My wife asked if she could come along I told her sure. She then started going on about her other friend who had ditched her for the dinner we were at and how she is lieing to her husband about having a gambling problem and my wife wasent sure if lieing or being brutaly honest was worse. I told her "well I have now had it both ways and I think the lieing is far worse." She got mad and demanaded to know when had she ever lied to me. So I told very calmly told her the list, I and I said well with all respect. She then started screaming about how she wanted a divorce right then and there and if I dident file she would yadayada. I said dont be upset you asked me a direct question she contiued on and I told her I thought it was time for us to get back to our friends. Next day our friends made us breakfast, she prepared my plate with the kids made sure I had plenty to eat (I told her I could get my own food). After we got home she told me she had a great weekend with me except Saturday night. I just said, well you asked me a direct question and I cant lie to you. I told you that I had forgiven you for everything so if I said you had not lied to me then how could I really say that I have forgiven you? And I will say it agian marraige can not survive long with a 3rd party. Also I will not be filing for a divorce anytime soon, I will be waiting. She said with a very confused look "So I can show up at your door begging for forgivness?" I told her she already had that and the best I could hope for is her showing up and saying and saying hi its today can we not talk about yesterday? She looked at her feet and said true I guess. Then reminded me if I slept with anyone else we would be through. Then she left with the kids. So it was a bad weekend but I got to get a lot of my chest and she withdrew far to many points from the love bank this weekend. LEast from reading this book I already knew she would change her mind that day so I wasent even really that hurt when she did.

I'll get back to you on this.
Gotta go for now.

well, she told me over text today after a ridiculous request (IMO) and she told me to file for divorce again. I gave in and told her fine but there were some things that I had to say first. So she came over I sent the kids to the neighbor and we had at it so to speak. Or really I did and let it all out without DJ and AO as much as I could. I wont say I never raised my voice but she sat there and took it and cried through some of it. In the end she agreed to end the A and come home and asked me submit her notice to the apartment complex. She also offered to quit her job to get away from OM and she says she is severing the A with the guy. She also went as far as to tell our daughter she is coming home after talking to both kids and they explained to her in no uncertain terms they wanted her at home with Daddy. Now I guess I need to give her my copy of the book. I would just assume its a False Recovery but she told our daughter which is a huge deal to her. Keep praying for us everyone!

Things for your wife to do...

1.) Write a NC letter and you proof read it and mail it to him.
2.) Counsel with the harleys
3.) Transparency all phone, emails, text, FB, etc you will have all access to. No ands, buts about it.
4.) spend 20 hours of UA time together, this does not include watching TV or being together with kids.
5.) You guys need to sit down and discuss some EP's to ensure this does not happen again.

Good luck!!

One more thing, if she has ONE little tiny contact with this man after the NC letter, then go to plan B.

I agree 100% with you. She decided on most of this plan by herself...except Ihanded her all the print outs from the site in a packet and told her I know where you are at and have no desire for us but here is what its going to take. We discussed it further. I also alreadly have access to everything of hers except her phone. But I'm getting her a new phone and number witha new carrier that is in my name so I will have full call records. Cant find a company that will give me text records as well without a court order....makes no sense to me. They will give you the phone call information that you want but no text info, just the number of sent and recieved text messages. But I keep praying and just finshed her notice to vacate letter for her apartment place.

Yes assume this is a false recovery for now, not at least until she really does change her jobs, and you have full confidence, through snooping, that she has ended all contact with the OM. I love her getting a new phone. I would also suggest that she get a new email address and delete the old one. Remove all traces of the OM from her presence. This means all gifts, love letters, pictures, mix CDs, whatever.

Set a timeline for yourself, determine how long you can last on this plan A while she is at home. If she does not end contact in a certain amount of time, she does not meet the conditions set for your recovery, or your LB$ is still being withdrawn from and negative in the next couple week or months (you decide), then you need to go to plan B to save yourself.

Continue plan A (snooping, carrot and stick), start a recovery process (encourage her involvement in the marraige), but any sign of continued contact should throw you into a plan B (have letter ready to write out and an IM in mind). You have to be on your toes and working 3 plans at a time. Plan A, plan recovery, and prep-plan B. Hopefull you can transition to recovery.

This is very likely a FR. She sounds like she's waffling and buying time. She is still addicted.

She needs to quit that job immediately. Today. BTW - sorry if I missed it - did you expose this affair?

Plan B need advice on what to say. Will explain later must go

She's commits to coming back then changes her mind. Last night she decided again to end the A. She booted OM out of her apartment this AM than came over. I held her and she cried. As the day went on she kept getting more and more distant from me and then left to get cigarettes 2 hours ago. She cant call OM as she deleted his number and otherwise does not know it but told me how she wanted him to hold her not me. And she dident want to talk to me. Well that was 2 hours ago she left for smokes. She promised to be here tonight to get the kids on the bus for first day of school. Taking meds and going to bed. So what do you suggest for Plan B? Or should I hold off on that in case she really did just goto her apartment and doesn't have contact with OM?

And you are tolerating her telling you this for what reason? you are her husband, not her Best Friend. This is when you reverse the babble, apply the stick of plan A. If you can't handle this stuff anymore go to plan B.

agree,

Plan B time!