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Thought I'd start a list of reasons people give for not exposing and thus sabatoging their own shot at recovery. 1. My spouse will lose their job. Better that your spouse lose his/her job than you lose your marriage. 2. It will drive them away. They�re already gone. Your spouse has left the building and is looking at new and improved (they think) property down the road. 3. It�s mean and vindictive. No, it�s not. It�s actually a kindness and the best thing you can do to restore your marriage. Exposure is not done in a mean way, but actually in a loving way. 4. My spouse has already told everyone about his/her affair. WRONG! Waywards lie about this A LOT. You, as the BS should be the one to do the exposing. 5. I had an affair first and my spouse didn�t expose me. Exactly why your marriage is in trouble. You never recovered properly from the first BOMB that was launched by you. 6. This is a private matter and I don�t want people to think badly of my spouse. Okay, go ahead and live the lie. You�ll either lose your spouse completely or your marriage, if the wayward does come home, will NEVER be all that it can be because you haven�t truly recovered. 7. You people are just bitter.  Feel free to add more.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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8. My wife will be mad to me and my main goal in life is to avoid her wrath AT ALL COSTS instead of saving my marriage
9. she is bigger than me and will beat me!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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10. The OMW/OWH will kill my WS.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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8. My wife will be mad to me and my main goal in life is to avoid her wrath AT ALL COSTS instead of saving my marriage
9. she is bigger than me and will beat me! and ... I am a ![[Linked Image from veganica.com]](http://veganica.com/works/a1/p1360_chicken-tude.jpg)
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8. My wife will be mad to me and my main goal in life is to avoid her wrath AT ALL COSTS instead of saving my marriage
9. she is bigger than me and will beat me! and ... I am a
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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10. The OMW/OWH will kill my WS. Nevermind that THAT particular threat wasn't a concern while my spouse was boinking the OM/OW. 
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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11. My Spouse tells me they are "just friends" and are not really sleeping together and I trust her / him when they says that
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8. My wife will be mad to me and my main goal in life is to avoid her wrath AT ALL COSTS instead of saving my marriage
9. she is bigger than me and will beat me! Because she'll LEAVE me if I make her mad!!! I know she's sleeping with this OM but at least she's at home!
Last edited by princessmeggy; 08/30/10 03:23 PM. Reason: fixin quote
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I don't want something bad to happen to the kids.
Something worse than adultery and divorce or an OC?
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11. I told WS if I find any more sign of contact, I will expose. There has been NC since.
Exposure is NOT blackmail!! This tactic does NOT work and just motivates the cheaters to take contact underground!
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Nevermind that THAT particular threat wasn't a concern while my spouse was boinking the OM/OW. Sure they did. That's why they kept it a secret When you expose the affair, it is then YOUR fault that the OPS is angry and full of vengeance, not the cheater cheater pumpkin eaters, hence their super sneakiness  bootybrains 
Last edited by silentlucidity; 08/30/10 03:24 PM.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Reason #___: Because my spouse told me it was over. Pinky swear.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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12. But I promised WS I wouldn't expose, how can I go back on my word now ....... You tell WS that you gave more thought to exposure,  and you changed your mind. 
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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13. My therapist thinks it's a bad idea.
Therapists are notorious givers of bad advice when it comes to dealing with infidelity. Dr. H. has 35 years of clinical research to back his PROVEN methods for recovering from an affair.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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14. My family and friends will not accept my WS anymore and will tell me to get a divorce.
(We all know that we o what everyone else tells us to).
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Because if I actually start to fight against the affair and it ends, I might have to look at MYSELF to see what needs to be fixed.
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Mark, you are supposed to give your reason a number. You are messin' with PM's list!
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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15 Because if I actually start to fight against the affair and it ends, I might have to look at MYSELF to see what needs to be fixed. Happy now? I coulda said "42."
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 And that ...... would've been messin' with my mind.  I've never read that reason from a BS, the one that you gave. Although it's a silent one, it's a very true one. Part of the fear/denial factor in some BS's I suppose.
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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whatever number
Because my spouse told me that if I expose his affair he will never ever trust me again.
He's turning the tables on you regarding trust. Fact is, he knows he cannot be trusted, and by telling you that he cannot trust you, he is shifting the blame and trying to make you feel guilty - when in fact the truth is that YOU cannot trust HIM.
A common tactic used by waywards! (and the gender could be HER as easily!)
whatever number plus one
Because my spouse told me that if I expose her affair she will never forgive me, and will leave me for SURE if I do.
The truth is that this is a bluff, made out of fear that the betrayed spouse will expose the affair AND leave the marriage. By threatening abandonment, the wayward is playing on what she knows to be a huge fear of the betrayed spouse at the time of d-day, that the betrayed is fearful the wayward will leave the marriage. Truth is that it is often the case that if the affair is exposed, the affair DIES more rapidly, and the wayward begins to see it for what it IS - a fantasy.
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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