Okay, all, I will try to move more quickly. As far as the tactics I am using, I thought during Plan A I was to be avoiding LBs by not making demands but negotiating the end of the A?

Also, she sid that this is all evidence that I have not changed and am still being controlling and manipulative. Is this all script?

Also, I've been reading up on some other sites on different types of affairs. This may have been an exit affair, but it failed because he failed to "rescue" her from her terrible marriage. If so, am I just hastening D? I would really like to avoid a D at all costs short of allowing an A to continue.

Not at all. That is not Plan A at all. You wouldn't negotiate with a falling down drunk, would you? Well it is the exact same thing with someone who is high on the addiction of an affair. There is no negotiate, you DEMAND:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."


Yes, I said the same thing when I was falling down drunk and my husband tried to take the car keys away from me. It is all script. An addict will say anything to prevent you from interfering with her high. You have to recognize this for what it is if you are going to win.

Stop listening to her fog and focus instead on doing the right thing for your marriage.

She will be grateful that you stood up for your marriage once she wakes up from her fog.

I predict your wife's affair will end the DAY you expose it to his wife and everyone else. This man is not going to risk his marriage over some cheap fun. 95% of the time the affair crumbles.

I noticed she deleted your FB messages and said you were suffocating her. Ignore this, it is scripted. The same with you being controlling and manipulative. If you have really changed you will know it. You should know when a DJ comes out of your mouth for manipulation sakes, and when you are standing your ground against an affair. It is all talk to scare you and manipulated you to her advantage. She is acting on raw emotion with no logical plan or process. You should have a plan and a process.

Continue to show her that you love her, but you are unwilling to be married to a person who is having an affair. It looks like you have a good grasp of the plan A, better than I did.

You can not negotiate (POJA) an affair.

Reading your thread it really looked like Recovery was going well for you until OM made contact. This caused a false recovery. Notice this is exactly why NC must be made, even looking up pics of OM on FB, or reading old love letters from OM. I will never trust my wife enough to contact OM ever in our lifetimes, and she knows and understands this.

Kudos on the plan and enact exposure. Yes, she will use your abusive ways against you. My wife said I emotionally abused her, but my true actions, how I handle myself behind closed doors and in public, trumped anything she said. (yes I was very bad at DJ and it affected her alot)

Every last vowel and consonant. She is conducting herself in true wayward fashion. Good for you for not laughing at the suffocation line she handed you!

Now. Get to work. Expose this A immediately. This is not the time for wishy-washy action. Don't work on it for a few weeks. Do it today.

Expect her to unleash a torrent of addict-addled verbiage on you. (Remember Regan in "The Exorcist"? Something akin to that.) This is a powerful drug you are yanking from her cold-turkey. Stay calm. Don't panic. And don't pay much attention to her words. She'll be starting withdrawal.

My FWH couldn't end his A on his own, Humbled. Because he was addicted to the 'hits' of the OW. You know what ended it? The day he was exposed. Read that again. THE DAY he was exposed.

Yes, you are hastening a divorce by enabling the affair. Like Dr Harley said:

LISTEN HERE

The longer you enable this affair by keeping it a secret, the more entrenched it becomes. It doesn't matter if we call it an "exit" affair or an "entrance" affair, or a "baloney sandwich;" an affair is an affair is an affair, and KEEPING THEM SECRET ONLY SERVES TO ENABLE THEM.

Do you see any alternative? I don't. And I don't think it really matters what type of A it is, does it?

I know I've changed with all my heart. It wasn't a reaction to losing her - it came before I even knew there was a threat to our marriage. It came because I had a mirror put in my face and didn't like what I saw. I wanted to be a better husband even if she would have never left.

I also know she knows this, because it is why she came clean the first time. Except for these outbursts of hers, she acknowledges the amazing changes I am making.

Thanks for all the support everyone. It's hard to recover from my past problems while going through this hell. You are all helping me gain confidence that I am not wrong for standing up here.

She's going to leave when I expose her,isn't she? I just need to emotionally prepare myself for that. In 17 years, she has never left me.

She's already gone. The wife you know and love is GONE. In her place is a selfish, abusive wayward.

You expose and you have a chance of getting your wife back.

But, bud, she is already gone.

She will threaten to leave. She may walk out the door. In her heart she will have a hard time really seperating herself from you. What she does may be unpredictable, but the results of the affair are the same. It ends.

Yes, she may leave. If she stays in the A she will more certainly leave. There is no option here, Humbled. But be aware of one thing that is in your favor if she does leave: YOU play a big role in this fog she is in. You have financed this A and have condoned it, and that has allowed it to grow. Your absence in that role is going to throw some cold water on her fantasy. The reality of eviction and financial stress doesn't jibe well in fantasy-land. And OM isn't going to find a broke and needy OW very attractive.

You haven't exposed this to OMW yet, correct? You must take care of this asap. OM isn't going to enjoy a fantasy that includes a broke, needy OW and a BW staring in shock at him, holding the phone in her hand and saying "OWH just called me. What is going on?"

I am puzzled that you don't comprehend that your greatest threat comes from continuing to ENABLE this affair. Are you not afraid of divorce? Because that is where you are headed.

Did you listen to the caller on the radio clip I posted? He enabled his wife's affair for 2 years and never exposed. Because of that, HIS WIFE WAS LEAVING HIM FOR THE OM.

That is your future.

On the other hand, WS' rarely leave when they are exposed. Sure, they make threats and rant and rave, and some even file for divorce. But it all blows over pretty quickly.

Also, she will quickly find out that if she leaves, the courts will view it as abandonment if it goes to court. And I would tell her she can't remove the kids from your home without a court order.

If she brings up any legal action I would make sure she understands you will not make it easy for her. Tell her if she doesn't end her affair, you will sue on grounds of adultery and have the OM hauled into court to give testimony of the affair under oath. Tell her that you will sue for possession of the house and primary custody of the kids.

That will shock her AWAKE real quick. Most WS have a fantasy of getting divorced and replacing the BS with the OM. Your lack of cooperation will inject a much needed dose of reality.

You have a history of going back on your word when it comes to demanding she end contact. The worst thing you could do is show her again you don't mean what you say.

Keep being calm and confident whilst your WW works on her end to get you to back down. Make no mistake, she is strategizing and thinking of how she can keep this going. I bet she approaches you with something soon.

You have been getting great advice, and I agree that OM is going to drop her for good once you expose. I would waste no time in getting the exposure lined up. I actually think it is a great time now that she is already upset.

Remember: DO NOT panic if she starts packing up her stuff, etc. My sister's H stormed out of the house when she exposed...only to return about 20 mins later. When your W is raging, don't argue with her. Take your kids out for ice cream, etc.

Susie's sister is in a recovered marriage today because she killed the affair. Her WH made every threat in the book and was extremely abusive and cruel after she exposed. They are recovering nicely today!

Okay, I'm gathering my strength/evidence for exposure today and I'll be drafting two letters and posting them here to get feedback: one for OM family and one for WW family.

Question: my WW is a SAHM - that's a whole other story. One of the things that hurts the most in this whole mess is that I have shown her my love by giving her the dream she has asked me for since day one - nice house in the suburbs, 2 kids, SAHM, cushy life. I did that by letting go of some of my dreams and starting a career for the money even though I didn't like it. I sit at work stressed and burned out every day and I get through the day by looking at photos of my wife and kids and our house and the life I am providing for them. And in return she spends all day writing sex messages to some POS because "she was bored and lonely". I can't describe how it feels to know that.

Anyway, I am a little nervous about exposing during the week because she is a SAHM and could take the kids and take off. I was considering waiting until the weekend (first thing) so I'd be there and if she wanted to take off she could go alone and leave the kids. I don't trust her in this state. Thoughts?

How old are your kids?
If they are old enough to call you, you might instruct them to always call you before getting in the car with Mom.

And, put a GPS on your wife's vehicle.
Today.

They're 5 and 2, so that won't work. I'll check into the GPS.

Also, I pay all the bills (sole breadwinner) and have access over the phones and PC/internet. Should I be blocking his #s and blocking Facebook, etc., and/or turning off the internet service? Or is that being controlling?