So I guess you let her back in...told you you would regret it..sigh

ugh, i am so sorry for you and your kids. PLEASE tell the kids now before she tells them more lies. Telling them lies to cover up her crime only serves to enable her....at their expense!

And i very much agree that you should expose to the OM's family and friends. If that were my son, I would horsewhip him for acting so trashy and shameful. I would confront your wife myself if I were him's momma. All hell would break loose.

Sapphire-- I dont have a legal right to forbid her from coming to the house. That is the problem.

Question of the week:

My wife said she would like to take the kids out somewhere Friday night. She has that right.

Shortly after the announcement I discovered she was taking them to my sisters house (the fountain of the venomous and nasty stuff I mentioned earlier in this thread)I told my wife I did not want the kids in that environment right now-- my sister has been spewing absolutely false and slanderous comments about me to my wife and I dont want my children around that nastiness.

Of course my wife ignored my concerns, made a power play, picked the kids up from school before I could get there and went straight to my sisters house. She then informed me a couple hours later that they were all spending the night there and would be home in the morning (in much sunnier times we'd done this before with the kids)

I have gotten some legal advice... Apparently there's not much i can do from that vantage point. Unless the kids are in physical danger or I can prove there's some kind of high-risk behavior going on (drugs, drunkenness, violence)I cannot get a court order barring them from going to her house.

So.... Any other advice on how to handle a situation where a spouse is not cooperating with boundaries i feel strongly about?

There is nothing you can do, Treadwell, except go pick them up. You have as much legal right to pick up your kids as she does. If I were you, I would file for divorce and get a legal custody agreement in place. In it, you will want to specify that she not take your kids around her affair partners. That is about the only boundary you can set.

Sorry this is happening to you and that your own family will not stand up for you.

Thanks. Fortunately her family does not support her affair or her decision to leave the marriage. Neither do several mutual friends. Her sole "counselors" are my mother and sister.

Another dividing line crossed today: she secured her own apartment today and is moving out. The entire enterprise is being secretly funded, either by the OM or my mother. This includes rent, furniture and expenses.

She is not using the standard issue revisionist history tactics-- claiming she hasnt love me for a "very, very long time" and should've ended the marriage years ago. Sigh.

Flushing down 17 years and a family, like it was nothing.

Treadwell, I know you are concerned and you have every right to be, but I do not view this as a bad development in the big scheme of things. Let me explain why.

I suspect your wife has been foggy for years, and has probably never recovered from her wayward mindset. I don't know if she has been having an affair all this time, but she sure has been thinking about it. This would explain her desire for secrecy and her gaslighting you. The only explanation for her desire for secrecy is that she had something to hide.

Since she is so super sneaky, moving out and actually living out her FANTASY will kill it quicker than anything. If you go read the book Survivng an Affair, when Sue moved out to pursue her affair, it quickly crumbled because it couldn't withstand the light of day.

The same thing will happen to your wife. I would do 2 things, Treadwell:

1. protect yourself legally so that you have primary custody and possession of the home - GET IT PUT IN YOUR CUSTODY AGREEMENT THAT THE KIDS CANNOT BE AROUND HER BOYFRIENDS

2. conduct a flawless Plan A. That means avoiding lovebusters and being as attractive as possible while exposing her affair to EVERYONE.

Also, don't allow to take anything from the house other than personal possessions. Make her get a court order to start taking furniture or appliances. Don't make this easy on her at all.

Do the above for 6 months and if she doesn't come out of the fog, then go into Plan B. But I think there is a strong chance that moving out will ruin a long held fantasy of hers.

So don't give up. This is far from over, friend.

Wonderful advice! Thank you!

I will have primary custody and she is already willing to give this to me, as per a meeting we had yesterday. Again, I think this is because ultimately she really doesn't want things like marriage or family-- because they cramp her new found "freedom".

Get this in writing - and legal - pronto, before she changes her mind.

Treadwell, have you visited an attorney and got this in writing? You must do this. She can and will change on a dime. She could move back at any time and get you REMOVED and then move her boyfriend in your house. I am not kidding! Go read the case study in Surviving an Affair; that is exactly what Sue did.

Please do not rely on her word; the word of a liar. Go to an attorney and file for divorce or a legal separation and get legal protection. She can cause a lot of legal damage if you don't.

Exposure? Have you exposed her affair to everyone?

I meant to try to post to you yesterday, but my internet was jiggy.

PLEASE expose to your kids, even the littlest ones. They NEED to know what is going on. They need you to help them understand it.

It isn't turning them against their mother to tell them the truth - if they DO turn against her it is a consequence of her abandonment. You cannot shelter your wife from the consequences of her actions.

If you don't tell them, your wife will LIE to them. She will try to shift some of the blame for this onto you. She will try to escape as many of the consequences for this as possible. The end result is your children will trust NEITHER of you, because they will feel both their parents destroyed their family. This is NOT true. They need to know that you have been FIGHTING for them, that you are their advocate. They need the security that at least ONE of their parents has their best interests at heart.

The kids all know that mom doesnt love dad anymore, that she doesnt want to be married, that dad still loves mom very much and wants her back, and that mom has a boyfriend. They also know that mom is the one choosing to leave our home.

That just breaks my heart!

I can't even imagine!

I was actually talking to one of my clients the other day, she was saying...

"have you noticed that more mom's are leaving the home?" I replied...

"The adversary knows if he can pull the mom away from the home then it can devastate the family. He's being smarter these day's, because now he is targeting the HEART of the home."

Isn't this so true??

Very true!

Yeah, it is.

Last week I met with a therapist-- a well-respected PhD who happens to also teach psychology at the university level. A wise and seasoned professional who has seen all kinds of stuff in his practice. Even HE acknowledged to me his belief in the element of something outside the realm of science and the mind that seems to "cloud" people from reality at times. He chalked it up as an intangible, unexplainable phenomena that overcomes people in addictive scenarios.

As a christian and a spiritual person, I have my own beliefs about that as well. But that element is clearly present in my wife's case, in my opinion.

It just breaks my heart...especially knowing that he got to me at one point. Trust me, when I say he will not give up either. Hence why I am working extra hard.

Update:

She moved out a week ago into her own apartment. She takes the kids out twice a week now. We are establishing new routines.

For those of you struggling in marriages with a thick-skulled, unrepentant wayward, who also happens to be living with you, let me say unequivocally-- LIFE IS MUCH BETTER FOR YOU WITH THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!

Man, the difference is night and day. Seeing her and physically being trapped under the same roof with her, was an oppression that was slowly killing me. Her waywardness and emotional stupidity was like a vampire drawing the lifeblood out of me. It's amazing how much more energy I have just being alone with my four awesome kids. PEACE!

Whew. In a much better place emotionally.

Treadwell, thanks for the update! I had hoped you were doing ok and it sounds like you are doing well.

Be prepared for her life to start crashing around her once reality infests her little fantasy world.

Thanks!

In an effort to validate her newfound "independence", she is trying very hard to legitimize her infidelity and appear as nonchalant as possible. She is also dirting me at every possible opportunity. Her circle of support is small and is comprised of my mother and sister, two older lesbian friends, and a lady with a history of addictions who recently left her husband.

I found out yesterday, that she is planning on bringing the OM to the wedding of a mutual friend, next month. The brides mother is aware of the situation and is probably going to put the brakes on her plans. I will be there, as will a number of my very close and fully supportive friends.

Should be interesting!