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Joined: Jun 2006
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We'd all just really rather complain about what others do and have done than to examine ourselves to make sure that what WE are doing is right.

Some of us enjoy our Independent Behavior and our Disrespectful Judgments that we use as leverage to get our own way and if we have to fight the affair it could cause us to have to change our own actions. We like blowing off steam built up from things at work by lashing out at our spouse and really enjoy being able to get what we want by demanding to get our way.

We don't want to give WS a reason to tell the world our own dirty little secrets. We LIKE our own hidden sins and that can't possibly be part of the problem.

It's so much easier to just blame it all on lack of commitment from our spouse and vent about how unfair life has become than to actually do something that might make us examine our own behavior.

The first question any BS has to answer is, "Why would my WS want to be married to me?" (What's in it for my WS?)

And the second is, "Why do I want to be married to my WS?" (What's in it for ME?)

The third is, "What do I do now?"

Until you answer the first two, you have no hope of finding an answer to the third.

It all comes down to fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of being seen as a failure. Fear of being found out to be a fraud. Fear of looking in the mirror and realizing I don't much like myself either...

If an affair is fueled by resentment, where do you suppose that resentment came from? I can't fix my marriage until I figure out how to fix MY half and I can't fix that until I fix ME.

JMO and worth every cent you pay for it...

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Originally Posted by Mark
It all comes down to fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of being seen as a failure. Fear of being found out to be a fraud. Fear of looking in the mirror and realizing I don't much like myself either...

If an affair is fueled by resentment, where do you suppose that resentment came from? I can't fix my marriage until I figure out how to fix MY half and I can't fix that until I fix ME.

This was one of the hardest things for me to face during the false recoveries, because WxH made it sooooo easy to excuse myself from the mirror by continuing to withhold affection and refuse to be O&H....but I knew that I needed to change if I was to ever be a good wife/partner again. I've done the majority of the work in his absence, and have been called out many times by AZman, just as I've called him out.

The A is no excuse to be a total poo head to your WS when/if they are trying to recover with you.


Me-BS-38
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Divorced April 2009
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16. I cannot expose because my spouse said that if the kids find out they will lose all respect for him/her and suicide would be the only answer for him/her.

<Can you say emotional blackmail?>

committed

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17.
"Because people might not believe me, and say I am just airing dirty laundry and/or its just sour grapes. They all say I should just move on because he has obviously made his choice, and besides (heard behind closed doors) you never really know what goes on in a marriage behind closed doors, even if it looks good on the outside." MrRollieEyes

I think that one boils down to FEAR of what others think of 'me', the victim, and how good society is a vilifying whom ever they think is the bad guy.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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Because I was embarrassed and shamed that my XH was having an A with a plastic pig when I worked there too.

Many 2x4s later I exposed but it was too little, too late.



Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Originally Posted by Vittoria
Mark, you are supposed to give your reason a number.
You are messin' with PM's list!
sigh

Hey - I'm just happy Mark kept it to a few lines smile


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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It may not be vindictive in the larger scheme, but it is bound to be perceived that way. Everyone says that the anger passes in a few days, but that is a huge thing to take on faith when you're hanging by a thread. I don't know all of you yet - what results has it yielded for those who did it?

The reason I fear doing this is that it is the nuclear option. I hear everyone loud and clear that you firmly believe that it is SINGLE BEST CHOICE but its hard to jump when you can't see the net.


BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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Originally Posted by fight4life
It may not be vindictive in the larger scheme, but it is bound to be perceived that way. Everyone says that the anger passes in a few days, but that is a huge thing to take on faith when you're hanging by a thread. I don't know all of you yet - what results has it yielded for those who did it?

We saved our marriages. That is the result. It is the single most potent weapon in saving your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by fight4life
It may not be vindictive in the larger scheme, but it is bound to be perceived that way. Everyone says that the anger passes in a few days, but that is a huge thing to take on faith when you're hanging by a thread. I don't know all of you yet - what results has it yielded for those who did it?

We saved our marriages. That is the result. It is the single most potent weapon in saving your marriage.

and as my now XH said to me once. "it was no longer fun... it became real with all the real life stuff to deal with" IE people knowing he broke one of the top TEN made it harder for him to keep holding his head held high...atleast for awhile


Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
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18. I don't know who the OPH/W is, and my parents kinda know, so since its kinda exposed I dont have to.

The partial exposure does not work, and it does not expose anything to anyone. Nuclear exposure is the only way to go.

19. Im just going to wait a little longer, so I can get more evidence, when I think I have enough then I will expose.

Procratstinating the exposure makes it not happen even longer. By the time you are ready to expose, your plan A is all used up and you have no more fight in you. Plan D is in the works.

Last edited by Wheels_spinning; 08/31/10 08:09 AM.
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This is a play off #1...
20. Because my spouse and the affair partner work together and they're going to start "just being friends." My spouse NEEDS this job to support us, so we're going to let them go back to their platonic friendship. There are NO OTHER JOBS in the whole world so we have to endure this.


Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
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21. Because my spouse told me everyone already knows.

Wrong! Waywards lie.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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#306. Because it's only an EA so far.

doh2 Huh? Ya wanna wait until AFTER they've had sex???

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Pep!!! hug
Another Calvin & Hobbes fan!!!!!

(Oh, good post too) smile


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
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#873 - Because our marriage is different (special).


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Well, here is my question. For those that know me and/or my story. I never exposed. Needless to say not much has gotten better. Nevertheless, there are times when I wish that I could, or did.
Someone that I talked to told me that it is too late now. That I should have exposed right away, but now there is a "statute of limitations" or something.
Does anyone agree with that?


Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Quote
Well, here is my question. For those that know me and/or my story. I never exposed. Needless to say not much has gotten better. Nevertheless, there are times when I wish that I could, or did.
Someone that I talked to told me that it is too late now. That I should have exposed right away, but now there is a "statute of limitations" or something.
Does anyone agree with that?


Nope...I don't agree with the statues of limitations thing...because your signature line says it all...

Too many other D-Days to remember .

It is going to continue until YOU do something.

committed

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IMVHO, there IS a statute of limitations, you aren't there though. Expose this. You will feel badly at first but then you will feel so much better. You will even find out how many people have dealt with infidelity. You will gain A LOT of support.

There are going to be people who tell you that you shouldn't air your WWs dirty laundry. Thank them for their advice and move to the next person.

So, what I am saying is EXPOSE THIS. laugh



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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