I still think about WH, although like Scotty it becomes less constant as time goes on. I also still tear up at least once a day. But I have learned that I will be OK. I might not be great right now, but I am OK and I will be great again; and for right now that is all I can expect.

I hope you had a good time at the BBQ, your true friends will understand and empathize and be there for you. You are never truly alone either, you take all of us here with you.

I am glad that Pepper continued to 2x4 me to making and sticking to a plan. That is one thing that has continued to help me get through this. I knew I wanted to come back towards my hometown, and I will soon be there. Except for a few slips here and there I have remained quiet, WH phone has been blocked from mine for some time now and he can no longer text or call when he wants.

I am planning on moving in a few weeks and will then plan to work on just me for the next year, all the while deciding where and what I want for the next part of my life. Unexpected things happen all the time and none of us can predict the future. But for now I have a plan and am continuing to stick to it. Should circumstances change, well then my plan can change. But for now it helps me to focus.

The AP's seem to wing it by the seat of their pants, sooner or later that will become an intolerable way to live day to day. Too bad, so sad; but we reap what we sow.

Continue hanging tough, your doing this.

Hugs and prayers

I really hope it gets better. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals pain, and they are praying for WH. God used to be such an integral part of his life - why can't he see that a woman who would pull him away from his family and away from his God can't be a good thing?

Today was a really hard day. I cried a LOT. Did it in the bathrooms because I refuse to do it in front of my children. The pain of missing him was almost unbearable. I couldn't eat all day, everything just tasted like ash in my mouth.

I feel a lot of bitterness and regret today. I wasn't a great wife, and I accept that, but I never did anything worth him doing this to ME. He has chosen a path where for the next 18 years at least, he and I will only ever be each 50% of our children's lives. How could he do that to our family?

Anyway, today is VERY hard. I know everyone keeps telling me I wll be okay. I just never, ever wanted my life to turn out like this.

Umm...I believe you can get FULL custody since he abandoned you and the kids. So don't think about 50/50 think about it as 90/10, because most likely that is all he will get with the kids, and if he's ok with that, then you should be GLAD that he is out of your life!

NP we pray for you too ok? Remember that!

And please talk to your doctor.

I don't know if you are nursing the newborn but medication could help you ride the roller coaster and rise above the constant grief.

Please talk to the doctor soon and even if you don't take medication for the emotional ride you are on.....you are still recovering from child birth and your hormones are not evened out for quite a while and they (hormones) are a potent addition to the situation.

The doctor should know the situation you are in even for backup support should you ever need it!

BTW.....though you are in this situation.....you are doing very good from my perspective way over here!

I second the advice about getting meds. One of my friends just had a baby (too much bonding right after she found out about the A!) and is on meds. There are some that won't impact the nursing.

I know it's awful asking for meds. At least, it was for me! My doctor insisted after I sobbed through STD testing.

Hang in there!

I agree about the antiD; they really helped me in the beginning and my Dr. also insisted.

I also hear you when you say;

I think all the BS's in plan B can understand that; but here you are and it is best to deal with the situation head on and with a plan. A plan you can stick to.

I still sometimes wish/think that all the parties will come to me and tell me that it has all been a big practical joke, a joke that went to far. Or that it has all been a big nightmare. But unfortunately I am living the awful reality. But it is getting better every day.
I am now creating a different reality, one that is of my design, no one else's.

Again, as I have said before - no one can predict the future, maybe things will work themselves out after the A implodes, if that happens. But I do know that I am creating a life for myself on my terms, and have begun to distance myself geographically and emotionally from WH so that if and when the D does happen it won't be a complete devastation all over again.

My suggestion is that you continue with the great plan B you are already executing. Your feelings are normal, and will get better with time. I know I sound like a broken record, but it is true. I would have not believed it 3-4 months ago, but I do now.

I don't remember if you are in counseling, but you may want to consider IC for yourself, it often helps you put things in perspective; also get the meds if you can.

Keep venting, we are here to listen.

Hugs and prayers

I would say that is His problem now, and His loss. I wouldn't try to figure it out, it makes no sense. That is why it is scary, cuz its hurts, cuz its scary. round and round.

He somehow has lost connection with his God and doesn't trust Him that He has allready given him the opportunity to have a blessed life with you. Instead he ran away and is living in a fantasy that God will bless such activity based on the fact that he feels better now that he has run away. He is trusting his feelings over truth and humility. It is cruel, selfish and childish, and he is hurting one of Gods children in the process. We all know it, and you didn't deserve it either, and God will deal with him. You must stay out of that drama so he can no longer blame you for anything and you can heal.

Thats what these angels here do. They speak the truth and they are here for emotional support in this life changing transition. Time will heal all wounds for you, you will feel better, just stick to the plan.

Do you have Intermediarys in place in case there is a need for communication between you two? I might have missed it but please do this ASAP. The MIL might be a good choice but vets should judge this because I don't know if its wise. He might blame you for turning his Mom against him, even though he did it himself. Waywards are crazy, they really believe the lies they tell themselves.

My best friend is my IM. She has been really great and supportive. WH already blames me for the bad relationship he now has with his mom (she is furious and disgusted and not speaking with him)... and at least SHE sees that it's his actions, not me talking to her that caused the breakdown of their relationship. She says the last words she spoke to him were, "I'm very disappointed in the way you are handling this," and then he hung up on her.

Went to see Black Eyed Peas yesterday with my best friend. It was FANTASTIC!!! Great concert - totally high energy and it actually made me feel a bit like my old pre-Affair self. There was only one minute where I almost cried - when they sang "Missing you." The lyrics go, "I can't stand another night without you. Since you've been away, everything don't seem the same as it used to be between you and me, I'm missing your love..." and so on. I think my best friend knew what I was feeling because after the song she hugged me and said, "He'll come back. You're so strong."

He starts his job next Wednesday. It's dumb but I keep counting down the days until he's gone out of the city and it seems so much more permanent....

I see you are doing so much better every day, NP. How are the babies? I am very thankful your MIL is supportive as well.

Keep it up NP, you do seem a little better today. Your sweet babies need their sane mommy and plan B will help with that.
Glad you had a good time at the concert; a Black Eyed Peas concert sounds fun.

There are going to be little triggers around many corners, they become easier to deal with as time passes.

Stay strong, you are doing a plan B, just keep it up.

Hugs and prayers

for you!!! You're doing so well, and being so strong. Keep up the excellent work!

Thanks for the encouragement and support, you guys. I don't know how well I'm doing - I'm not caving, and I'm staying dark but emotionally I am just DRAINED. Today I felt like I was just drifting through the whole day, just worn out and empty emotionally. I feel exhausted - from the stress of all this, I think.

WH called a couple times to talk to DD but I didn't talk to him. I wanted to really badly, but I didn't.

Talked to the pastor today. He was really supportive and prayed with me. Said that he understood how hard this is for me, and how his heart just aches to see what's happened to us. But there's nothing anyone can really say to make the pain BETTER, you know? Even prayer isn't working for me right now.

I hope with time I'll stop having so many bad days. I feel mentally and emotionally just worn out and disconnected today.

You should invite a girlfriend over daily to talk things over. I had a MIL to talk to while Sapph was out, and suprisingly it helped.

We can only do so much to support you through posts. I really think you need a bit more support than annomynous strangers being arm chair affair counselors. however, Sapph and I read this together and we just cant help but feel for you, and wish there were some way for us to hel pyou out more.

You just don't see prayer working right now.

Good - no great! - for you not talking to WH. Do you really think he just called to talk to DD? Nah. If he cared so much about her, he'd be home where he belongs. He was hoping to do two things: 1) feel a little less guilty for being a loser dad and dumping two beautiful children for his gardening implement, and 2) hoping to re-engage you and keep some connection going, even if only through drama.

It's no fun to play tag all by yourself, yanno? So that was awesome that you just walked right on by.

No great advice for NP, just checking in; make sure you are doing OK.
Did you take WS advice and have a girlfriend over?, It does help to have someone to talk to in person.
Take care and just know that I am sending good thoughts your way.

I've talked to people - my girlfriends, my family, all the support I have. But it doesn't stop it, you know? There's nothing anyone can say to make it better.... only time can heal it.

Trying to focus on the light I know is there. It feels like it's getting worse instead of better. Is that normal? Does it get worse before it gets better?

I'll add my prayers to yours. Strength in praying for each other. It is a difficult path. Just take one day at a time. Some days are better than others and tomorrow it is a new beginning.

Yes, it does get worse before it gets better.

You have to work through your own withdrawal from him AND the grief of the situation.

You will prevail. You will build up strength as long as you stay as dark as possible during this part of the plan.

There is no easy, quick, magical resolution. Refocus on your kids and your own activities and you will get better at doing so.

Nope it doesn't stop it, but it sure is a good temporary release. I talked all day to coworkers then all evening to my family. I was constantly relieving myself from the pressure and frusteration of plan B. It tough I know, but hang in there. You will change in a couple weeks.

What else are you doing to improve yourself?

NP, it definitely does get worse before it gets better. Even the better is worse sometimes.

I am praying for you too. Time really does heal you. Also, as Neak pointed out, you need to celebrate the little victories you have to get to the big picture. It's not easy but just remember why you are doing this and have faith that God has a plan. You can do this.