I like Pepperband's approach and agree that he is not as concerned with what it will take to make you safe as he should be.

I do think, however, that this issue needs to addressed sooner rather than later, because the longer this goes unaddressed, the greater your resentment and the greater the chances that he ACTS on his breach of no contact. He has purposely triggered himself and that needs to be nipped in the BUD now before he acts on it. Burst his fantasy as soon as it comes up.

Secondly, this is an UNSPOKEN ISSUE and it is unspoken issues that impede romance in marriage:

Requirements for Recovery

Thanks for the replies...

Pepperband - you hit it right on the head with your post. He did not and has not asked those kind of questions. He says he is sorry I don't trust him and he says he hopes I will again and he has said there is nothing else he can do but just wait and hope I forgive him and trust him again.

I have told him the being completely open and honest is what I want.

I don't know if I have a clear understanding of what else I can say for him to do. I will trust when he tells the WHOLE truth EVERY time and when I verify and all all facts check out.

MelodyLane- thanks for the link. I have had trouble reading through the thread you linked but I'm on a bigger size screen tonight so I should be able to read it better.

I don't think we have a solid recovery plan right now. I don't understand how I can make the changes to the conditions that led to the affair- and I don't understand the idea of just compensation.

I hope someday I can have a "happily recovered" signature like you do.

My husband still denies it...I told him I know he googled searched her name and watched her video and just open up to me so we can support each other through this. He said whatever I think I know is wrong- there is no proof because he didn't do it.

He also searched her name again last night on a particular website but it came back with no results.
He is barely speaking to me. He said he has a cold now. He gets sick when he talks about OW

I dint know what to do.

I would start a modified Plan A. It could be that he is needing something emotionally right now, and is drifting back to imagining the 'good old' days. I wouldn't grill him on what he needs - have the two of you talked about your most important ENs? What are his? Meet those. Be the best YOU can be.

Keep snooping like a bloodhound, and document what you find. Print copies of things and keep them where he absolutely won't find them.

he is trying to gaslight you- make you think that what you KNOW to be true isn't. Just be calm, rational, Plan A....and reiterate that you KNOW and you NEED him to be honest.

I feel for you...

I wish I could crawl in bed.
I have kids that need dinner and my attention though.

He is being quiet and withdrawn and it hurts so badly. But I didn't do anything except ask for honesty.

I see you have multiple threads mentioning FR or finding contact again. Can you give a rundown? How long was the affair, what were the d-days? Was a NC letter sent? When? Did you H put any EPs into place? What MB concepts was he onboard with?

MBJG
Do your best, sister. Be upbeat - for your H, for your kids.

It took a false recovery and an MB weekend/followup for my H to become more open and honest. I have no idea what the MB coach said to him, but there has been a huge difference in my H since their initial conversation in Feb. Are you and H working the MB program? If not, will he commit to the online program?

I am sorry this is happening. It is very difficult to endure.

AM

SusieQ asked about the history:

I may not have the dates exact since everything is jumbled in my head right now but basically--

First discovery that my husband had a "friend" Nov 24th - he told me--but I didn't think it was an emotional affair-- but I started to feel uncomfortable with the situation soon after and started telling my husband I wasn't feeling good about it...

Jan 22nd I looked at his phone bill and discovered his "friend" and he text each other almost nonstop all day long. He completely denied an affair and yet agreed he had gotten too close emotionally and so no-contact as of Jan 24th.

He broke no contact Feb 10th- text messaged her.

Sessions with S. Harley followed.

Broke no contact again March 15 text messaged her.
Around April 20 discover that no contact was never real when I installed a keylogger...in other words they were still in contact basically all along with secret email accounts and such.
He denied until I revealed the source.

April 23rd discovered the affair was physical all along-- EA from Oct2009-April 2010 and Physical Dec 2009-April 2010
Also called OW's husband --

No contact re-established April 25th
They OW and her husband moved out of town almost immediately

June 15th husband broke no contact to email OW- he used my computer to sneak pass the keylogger. OW's husband told me.

Aug. 3 OW email address reappears on my husband's newsletter subscription. I saw it -he says he noticed and was going to unsubscribe her again but hadn't done it yet.

Aug 24 Google OW's name, watch video of her....denying it.
He thinks he got the keylogger off his computer.



My husband filled out the questions for the emotional needs but hasn't been that into reading the book. He wants to avoid talking about the issue. He read Love Language book and liked that.
He didn't like counseling sessions with S. Harley but might do the on-line program ???
We've been spending time together - a lot of time and having fun too. We've always gotten along great and had a great physical connection too that was never a problem. He got all kinds of home cooked meals, massaging, sex, and loving at home all along. I don't know what I can do differently.

I can't make him love me.

OW is an elite athlete- she is in incredible shape, younger, and very smart and highly educated. Everything he likes.

You cannot make him an honest man.

Truth? Me?
I'd be so done with his crap.
Plan B ... start getting ready.

I think he did not like counseling with Steve because he heard things he did not like about himself and was not willing to change, such as that he needed to go NC with OW.

I agree with Pep. Prepare to go to plan B with a very high bar set for his return, should he choose to put the effort into the M.

I am so sorry. It is horrible as a BS to endure breaks in NC and the accompanying lies. I have been there.

AM

He just told me that he doesn't understand why I love him. He said that even though he hasn't seen her since April, he still doesn't feel as deep a connection to me as he thinks he should. He felt it so easily with her. It didn't take any effort with her. He said he does want to be with me and does love me but knows there should be more.

There never will be a deeper connection with you, as long as he continues to feed his fantasy by looking at OW online.

I could not live with his continued lies.
I'd be way too tempted to "pop" him a good one on the jaw.

Sounds like a variation of the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" speech. It is wayward talk and not indicative of being serious in working towards recovery. Sorry.

AM

Do you have it in you to do more Plan A (while he goes through withdrawal)? You've been doing it at least since you got here in Feb...while experiencing numerous d-days... That's an awful lot to endure.

I don't think more Plan A is going to get your H do his part in R. And he doesn't even sound close to "getting" it.

I almost lost all my desire to R when I encounter d-day #2 and found there had been contact when my H promised me NC. I don't know how you have hung in there this far. I agree with PB and armymama, I would be looking at Plan B.

**hugs**

Ok re reading through what plan B really is. What that would look like for my family.

There were so many other good things going on that I guess it gave me hope to keep on course. It has beat me up emotionally though.

Of COURSE he isn't connected to you - he's never fully severed his A, never left that part of himself in the past, never allowed himself to go through withdrawal so he can devote himself to his family.

This A is far from dead - it's a smoldering pile of rubble just waiting to burst into flame.

Plan B is a likely option.

Of course he say's this because he is still in contact with the OW, either its pic, videos, etc, he is still in contact. Why do you think we tell people it is VERY important that you END ALL contact with the OP to help you recover your marriage? He is still a wayward.

I am soo sorry, but you need to be in plan B.

Here is a good thread: Getting Ready For Plan B

Hang in there and keep posting!