Humbled, the 2 year old won't understand, but it is very likely that the 5 yr old will be very confused by the tension in the home. If she is given false explanations for that tension she may think she is the cause and when she eventually finds out the truth, will learn that dishonesty is acceptable.

Your wife may have already told your 5 yr old things about the OM which are very confusing to her. Waywards typically introduce their child - in some manner - to the OP or the idea of the OP in order to normalize their affair.

This happened to me when I was 4. My father was a loud and proud cheater and he introduced me to an OW when I was 4. This did not seem right to me. My instincts were telling me this was wrong, but since no adult validated that feeling, I concluded I was a stupid girl. I learned early on that my instincts about right and wrong were WRONG and grew up profoundly morally confused.

This would have turned out differently if my mother had told me the truth and given me moral guidance. But she didn't because she was enamored with the notion of "non-judgmentalism." Her lack of teaching left me vulnerable to the immoral guidance of my father. And that is what you can expect from your wife right now. As long as you don't tell your 5 old the truth, he is vulnerable to your wife's lies.

here

I am so sorry you have arrived at this point. Honestly, being both a BS/WW I feel that you must get to this point before you start to repair/recover. I for one cannot imagine telling my H the things your wife has said to you. But, at the same time, my H would have NEVER been that tolerant of me continuing the A after he found out.

As for telling your children, that is really tough. They are so young. But trust me when I tell you (I work with kids every day that have behavior problems, etc....) they already know in their heart that something isn't right. Mom is sleeping in the other room....that is not normal. If it were me, I would sit down with them and just say, your mom has done something wrong. She has hurt me and you by having a boyfriend while she is married. When you get married, you are only supposed to be with that person and your mom has not done that. Gosh, that sounds wordy but because they are so young....its hard to really explain. Maybe others will have better suggestions.

I agree with exposing to OMW FIRST. Although you want to continue exposing....this may be the only one needed to end it completely. Exposure again is to kill the A but also so that the WW is held accountable for her actions. When the A is going on, WW's/WH's become so self absorbed they can't see that their actions not only hurt themselves, their spouse, and their kids, but it hurts others close to them horribly.

If your wife was going to D you.....she would already be gone. And if this OM was going to leave his family for her.....he would already be gone. Don't let what she is threatening to do stop you from what you know is the right thing to do.

Smart move! The only reason to call a lawyer is to find out your rights, but I really don't think this will end in legal action.


We will be here for you! And I do not think you are unhealthy at all!! That is the sign of a great marriage, Humbled.

You were strong enough to endure her affair all this time, I know you will be strong enough to take the steps to save your marriage.

The key is to not allow FEAR to drive your mission. Put aside the fear and just stick to the plan.

I would suggest not answering your phone when the fallout begins and she starts calling, ok?

You will do just fine..

What if she takes off with the kids while I am out?

Thank you, everyone. I know I am strong, and my love for her and my children is strong. It hasn't been easy putting the Giver in charge the last three months. I have been doing it for all of them. But man, this is so big. I will do it. I can do it. I'm just scared and sad and so unbelievably shaken. Thank you.

How about we focus on what IS instead of WHAT IF? You have enough on your plate to deal with without manufacturing hypotheticals.

Good. Having a solid plan is an excellent start. If you do this right you it's doubtful that you'll need a lawyer. Don't put your time into that right now.

Wait til you expose. Your WW is going to see a very strong Humbled. Not a weak one. This is YOUR WIFE and you'll be DAMNED if you're going to lie down and let some snivelling-assed, half-witted, pond-scum [censored] waltz in and talk pretty to her! Not on YOUR watch, you're not! You've committed to her, invested your life, time and heart and have children! You're not going to sit on your hands and watch this crime without moving a muscle! Not gonna happen, OM!

Need a little more inspiration? Just click play.

Don't worry, as soon as you are done go straight home, the sooner you get this over with the better.

I am soo sorry this is happening but we are all here for you ok?

Thanks, maritalbliss. The clip did inspire me and made me laugh. I probably look like a lunatic right now, sitting on my bed with my laptop, tears streaming down my face and laughing like a fool.

Someone else on one of the threads posted something that I liked as well and I will be using my version of it if the OM dares to contact me:

"Stay away from my wife and family or I will bring hell on earth to your doorstep. Put it in your dayplanner, POSOM. Hell is coming."

I think it would make me feel really good to say that.

Something simple.

"Mommy has a boyfriend. Married mommies and daddy's shouldn't have boyfriends."

We want you to contact him TOO. After you expose today to his wife, his parents and every one else, I would be calling this scumbag and letting him know hell is coming his way.

Dr Harley says to cause as much as possible for the OM. He should be contacted every time you have evidence of contact. OM are pansies and he won't want the conflict you bring into his life. If you call him up or visit him or call his wife every time you have evidence of contact, you will run that dog off quick enough.

This is WHY I keep saying

PUT A GPS ON HER VEHICLE

I do have other suggestions, but until you've done this ... any further "What if she takes the kids away" is just so damn irritating.

Also take her off (or open new) credit cards, HELOC, savings, IRA, investments...*anything* where she can get money to move out and/or fund her affair. We had a BH whose WW drained the HELOC to the tune of $40k or so, put down a retainer on a lawyer, and moved out.

Have multiple full backups of your evidence, offsite, in different locations. Waywards will go on a search-and-destroy mission for any evidence, thinking they're destroying the only proof. Be prepared to mail (or email) evidence to OMW.

Expose as simultaneously as possible, so everyone gets the same story at the same time from YOU. What I mean is, don't call a couple of people today...a couple of people tomorrow...send some emails Friday...and spin it out over a couple of weeks or give yourself time to be talked out of it. If you trickle expose, WW will spin the story and it will be harder for you to get traction.

Leave the means of contact open. That way you can continue snooping while they tear each other to shreds after you expose.

Oh, yeah, you need to have a little mano-a-mano with this jerk. Right after you've totally exposed him. (Make sure you start with his wife, bless her poor heart.)

This OM is a snivelling coward who isn't man enough to stand proud with his own woman. Instead, he crawls around behind network sites and gets his needs met by good women who have lost their boundaries. WHAT A FOOL! WHAT AN ABSOLUTE COWARD! There is so much more descriptive language I could use to describe him, but as we've seen, I'm getting censored. Hell, Humbled, I'm ready to pick up the phone and personally rip his face off! I'm mad FOR you! Tighten up the belt on your jeans a notch, and get ready to show this a@@hold exactly where Ground Zero is!

Thank you. This is hard for me especially. When I started counseling, I buried that part of me in an effort to be a more gentle, considerate husband. Now it sucks. I am trying to channel the old parts of me - the old me (the jerk) would have ripped him and this affair to shreds in a heartbeat, and given my WW two choices - come crawling humbly back completely remorseful and committed or hit the road with absolutely no support from me.

There's nothing wrong with being a kind, sensitive person. But now is not the time to be that person. If you and your wife were walking alone at night and a rapist accosted you with an eye on your wife, would your response be kind and sensitive? Hell, no, it wouldn't! You'd fight for both of your lives! This is like that! You're fighting for both of your lives, Humbled!

humbled, I am glad you are out of the BS fog. Phewww...

Don't have much to add to the awesome advice you have been getting, but just one thing:

DO NOT protect your WW from the fallout of exposure!
ex) if OMW wants to contact her, LET HER! Don't make excuses for her behavior.

Part of what will help your WW see the A for the disgusting thing that it is is to see people's reaction to it.

Hang in there!

Humble just checking in...hoping your exposure is going good...good luck to ya.

We will be here if you need anything

Hmmmm, his last post was over two hours ago. Hope he's okay. I thought he said he'd be around here all day.

Hi All,

I'm here and I'm working on it now. Sorry - I was weak and got caught up in a conversation with WW this morning. It was hard to listen to her and take it all as fogspeak. It was laced with hope and threats. I am trying to be strong. Just opened a new bank account and transferred the funds and I told my mom. I know I'm supposed to reveal to OMW first but I really needed some support and encouragement. She will not say a word until it is all unleashed today.

Now cleaning up evidence for transmittal and making lists. Then calling OMW. Wish me luck and please - any encouragement appreciated. I am so scared. I don't want to go home to her after this but I do want to go home to my kids. I wish she would just check herself into a mental institution where I'd know she'd be safe for a month until she could get past this. It's nervewracking.

You can do this! You really can! She will be angry - that's ok - that's a GOOD sign. It means she's still emotionally invested in your marriage. Her taking it well is evidence of emotional withdrawal from the marriage. So look at her anger as a GOOD thing.

You can withstand her anger. You got strength in you for that.

Your marriage cannot withstand her affair.

Given the two - take the anger.

You can call OMW. It will be tough, but you can do it.

No fear - you are doing the right thing. Get the plan in order and get your contact list down - then just call down the list.