Ok, short version. Well, we'll see....Married 17 years. WH been cheating now 9 months. Just had, I don't know, like our 5th false recovery the past four months. Caught him on a hidden email the other night and he confessed to still seeing her/sleeping with her. He's 36, she's 23. I've exposed to all except her side of things. She's single, I did call her mom, but I think she convinced her mom I was a crazy person. I could expose to her work/friends if I chose. We've been counseling with Harley's. He's good at his deception, doing everything right. Really, marriage has been great besides his cheating. During last 4 month false recovery, we've been really close. Of course like always, after I catch him he starts in with the I love you, I need you, please don't leave me, I'll never do it again, I'll do anything. So for some strange reason I still want it to work out. I know most people would have been ready for the big D months ago, but I still love the schmuck and want an intact family for our 1 year old. I think he really doesn't want to be with her, he knows it's not going to last, but he cant really pinpoint why he wouldn't stop. I truly think he knows it's an addiction. Says last month he's been trying to push her away hoping she would walk, afraid of her retaliation-telling me. But at the same time he's "pushing her away" he slept with her. Doesn't make sense. I'm completely lost, I know I should be ready for divorce. 1/2 of me is. Other 1/2 wants to believe he can change and stop. We are separated now, he's at his parents. What do I do????? Talk, not talk. File for D to scare him or not. Give him hope or not? I'm just at this standstill and don't know what to do. I can't plan B, b/c he wants me back, says he's done. How will I ever know if he's lying to me or not? I had all things in place, GPS on his phone, changed phone numbers, had all known email passwords, he changed jobs. He still got away with it, so now when he asks what can I do I'm fresh out of ideas. Am I just a fool that will continued to be played??? So hard to give my daughter a broken home when daddy says he's done, but how much can I take? I've heard I'll stop so many times. HELP!

I usually do NOT recommend any continued Plan A after multiple D days and/or false recoveries.

I recommend Plan B for you.

Plan B! I would go into Plan B and then MOVE to a different town. Seriously. You are going to have to move away anyway in order to help him stay away from the OW. If he wants to reconcile, he could follow you *IF* he ever gets serious. And he is not serious now.. He is only serious about keeping 2 women meeting his needs.

BI, do you have Surviving an Affair and do you understand Plan B?

Yes, have it, read it. Plan B is for getting them to leave OW. He's saying he is, it's over, yes again I know, but this situation seems different to me. Explain...Your saying I go away and refuse communication to him when he does want to work on marriage??? What am I looking for then?? I know it's a cry wolf thing, but he is non-the-less saying he wants me. We have done the whole NC letter thing in the past, so don't suggest that. It's almost comical how much of this we've done.

Broken,

You were given this advice before. I strongly suggest that you take it this time.

My best friend was married to a man who repeatedly cheated on her. Up until the day she had us moving her out of their home he was saying, 'it doesn't have to end like this. I will stop seeing her. I love YOU and want YOU.' His words were meaningless. She finally figured that out after YEARS of FRs with multiple women. I told her, 'don't listen to his words, listen to his ACTIONS.'


Oh and listen to Melodylane.

No, your husband is not done with the OW. His own plan is to have you and the OW for as long as he can. His words about recovery are not sincere, they are only designed to con you into thinking he is committed. This will continue like this until you move or he leaves you for the OW. [which will happen soon enough if you don't move]


The solution is to go to Plan B until he ends all contact for life and sincerely commits to the marriage. But that is unlikely to ever happen unless and until you move. MOVE out of your house and go to another town.

Nothing will change unless something changes. You are headed towards false recovery #6 if you don't do something different.


Oh no, the letter I am suggesting is the Plan B letter.

yes I agree.....

PLAN B

Listen to melody

OK, say I plan B him. Then how would I KNOW he is done with OW? What would I look for as changed behavior? I'm so lost. I know I've been abused, but I'm scared.

you need to go back to the surviving an affair book and re-read the plan b section. It outline everything. You should get everything set up financially so you don't have to deal with him in that aspect. There is a thread on her about the plan b letter and what it contains.

The first changed behavior must be that he MOVES. You have already discovered that he can't stay away from the OM.

You need to go to plan B for your own sanity not to save this marriage, your marriage is already gone because of his constantly lying, and cheating.

Your job now is to help YOU...NOT the marriage, I am sorry if this hurts, but you have no marriage with this man who ever he is. He is not the same man you married, so please, get some help for you.

Two things might happen when you go to plan B...

1.) You have been in plan B for 2 months, and he comes to you very remorseful, and you SEE all the changes that he is willing to come back to this marriage and save it. You guys have talked about everything that needs to be done to affair proof this marriage, sending EP's in place, boundaries, and counseling with the harly's, no more lying and cheating, he is very transparent with all his passwords, phone, email, FB, etc...and you are truly in a recovery.

OR

2.) He ends up moving in with the OW, you have been in plan B for 2 years, you have become a more stronger and better person since he has been out of the picture, you have grown mentally and spiritually. You feel 200 times better since the day you left. You feel free. You decide your next step is to divorce him, and when you do you have no feelings what so ever towards this person you once loved and cherished, because you realize that he is not the same person.

Either way...BOTH "things" that might come to a plan B is still better then what you are dealing with NOW!

If the fog finally lifts the GREAT you guys start in the long recovery process....if not...then you need to realize that your life is way better off with out him.

Do you understand? No one should be treating you like he is treating you. Take a stand and do something.

BI, after you move, he would need to speak to your intermediary and Dr Harley to prove his sincerity. THEY would be the judge of his readiness.

But, before that comes, you are going to have to move.

Ok all, I had an appointment with Steve this am. Here is the plan....

Steve says not a true plan B b/c he is saying he wants the marriage and will do anything. I am to stay separated, we can speak briefly - like once a day about our baby & for me to hear any changes. But really I just wait and see what he does. Does he get tired and go try life with OW, maybe, probably...I think he'll get lonely and give in. OR Will he change, stay consistent, etc...only time will tell. Steve says to shoot for 4-6 weeks right now and see where we are at. I still don't know exactly what to look for, but he says that's up to him to figure out and that if WH calls Steve or someone else they can help him figure that out. So I am going to suggest he call Steve. WH is seeing a counselor today, a new one.. so we will see.

I do agree that for us to recover we would have to move. To get away from OW, to get away from all the bad memories for me to move past it, plus we would need to build new friendships as many people are done with us- mainly him, right now.

I'm feeling stronger today. Just hope I can stay there. Steve says I can tell him I do want the marriage to work in the end, but not at all costs to me. I can't risk any more deceit or I will be even more damaged &/or I will begin to loose my love for him, and then there would be absolutely no room for recovery.

Oh, I'm planning on exposure to her family, friends, etc. Just a few as Steve suggests. Do I call, private FB message (although I only have FB access on WH's account.) I called her mom after last FR but I think OW talked her mom into believing I was just a crazy person. Not sure if I'm stirring the pot/what OW will do. She is single. She will, I'm sure call my WH and *itch about it. So that is a contact risk. Any thoughts????

I love the advise sh mentioned, and I think you should make that next step....

But I wanted to comment on this, create a FB account for yourself, then start sending messages to all of her friends and family letting them know everything! There is a really good template for FB messages to expose on FB, I don't know where it is but I am sure someone else can find it for you.

Target family member's first then go to her friends.

GOOD LUCK!!

When are you moving out?

He is out, living with his parents for now. He may get an apartment. I don't know.

I talked to him today to tell him things Steve and I talked about. He had just come home from his counseling appointment. He was really quiet, didn't say much. I told him basically, l love you and want the marriage to work, but not at any cost to me. Said it's up to him to prove to me she's out of your life and you have to figure this out. Basically that in a nut shell. He said thanks, I appreciate that it gives me hope. Then quiet, nothing to say, said he was emotionally drained. I guess it was his counseling. I can understand, it's been a taxing 4 days. Since he said nothing I asked "What do you want?" He said he wants to fix us and wants us too, said I love you and I can't talk anymore and we hung up. I was kinda upset at first b/c he's been begging me to talk and then when I'm there, he's too drained. But I know really, I'm drained too.

I think I can't expose today. I'm tired, headache....too much for today. What is she going to do I wonder??? I know it will throw them together again and I'm really uneasy about it. Not sure it's the right move or not.

Exposure is the right move. They are already pushed together, so I am confused what you mean by "it might push them together." And if your H is serious about the marriage, she will not get through. Wild horses will not let her through if he wants to prevent it.

I would contact her mother and expose the affair to her and any other family members. On facebook, you can select her family members and married friends and send them a private message. First copy all the contacts into a WORD document for safe keeping. Space the messages out 1 minute apart so FB does not shut you down for flooding.

Here are some FB template letters:

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

I guess I just mean they will probably have contact. She could call his work phone where he wouldn't know to not answer. Anyways, doesn't matter really I guess.

Should I sent OW a message too saying I'm fighting for my marriage? If so, what should it say?

I see no reason to contact her now. Instead, do a nuclear exposure to her family and friends, along with the same on your side.