Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
#2423185 09/01/10 11:08 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
Spent a couple of days sleuthing while waiting (fruitlessly, of course) for WW to respond to my demand for NC. Thought of 600 reasons to put this off, none held as much as a drop of water. So here it is:

Several members of WW's family will be in town staying with us this weekend, her mother included. This is going to be an exposure intervention, face to face, maximum impact. Then I'm calling OM's wife & parents. If I can't get them on the horn I'm getting in my car and driving the 200m to expose the A to them face to face. Then I'm hitting his children's FB pages. Gotta be cautious, this scumbarrel is a NYC cop.

Thanks to all for lending me some wisdom and spine stiffener.

Last edited by fight4life; 09/01/10 11:10 AM.

BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
DO your exposure in ONE day!

Do not trickle this exposure, telling some people today, 5 tomorrow, and 9 next week.

Exposure only works if you do it nuclear.

Wheels exposed my affair on FB, he just posted it on his page, he only had it up for 3 hours, but still the damage was already done. EVERYONE knew including the OMs friends (we had mutual friends)

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by fight4life
Several members of WW's family will be in town staying with us this weekend, her mother included. This is going to be an exposure intervention, face to face, maximum impact. Then I'm calling OM's wife & parents.

Good man!! The only thing I would change is the order of exposure. I would expose to the OM's wife and parents the evening before or the morning of your intervention. Do them FIRST because if you do them last, that will give the OM a chance to get to them first and pre-empt you and paint you as a lunatic.

Quote
Then I'm hitting his children's FB pages.

I would not do this unless they are adult children. If that is the case, I do agree it would be a good idea to send them a private message.

The best way to expose, fight, is to do it on the same day if possible. That way there is a tsunami effect and it prevents the affairees from pre-empting you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by SapphireReturns
Wheels exposed my affair on FB, he just posted it on his page, he only had it up for 3 hours, but still the damage was already done. EVERYONE knew including the OMs friends (we had mutual friends)

grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
2 questions, sapphire. What to do if I can't get OMW on the phone? I don't have an email for her & she is not on FB.

The other is I don't want to expose to our children (16 & 13). They have a ton of daddy issues with their natural father and as much as the rest of this will set WW off the deep end, she is EXTREMELY protective of her children. I'm not worried about her anger, I'm concerned she'd find that unforgivable


BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
OM's children are college age or older


BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Originally Posted by fight4life
2 questions, sapphire. What to do if I can't get OMW on the phone? I don't have an email for her & she is not on FB.

The other is I don't want to expose to our children (16 & 13). They have a ton of daddy issues with their natural father and as much as the rest of this will set WW off the deep end, she is EXTREMELY protective of her children. I'm not worried about her anger, I'm concerned she'd find that unforgivable


then leave a message laugh on their answering machine. Letting them know EXACTLY what is going on, and give her your phone number to contact you. Or go to HER! Visit his wife when you know he is not there.

I am sorry to say this but your children needs to know, melody can give you reasons why it is important.

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SapphireReturns
Wheels exposed my affair on FB, he just posted it on his page, he only had it up for 3 hours, but still the damage was already done. EVERYONE knew including the OMs friends (we had mutual friends)

grin


I am assuming with that great big grin on your face that you were the one that mentioned this to him??

rotflmao

P.S TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hug

Last edited by SapphireReturns; 09/01/10 12:04 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by fight4life
2 questions, sapphire. What to do if I can't get OMW on the phone? I don't have an email for her & she is not on FB.

fight, start sleuthing right now and get her phone #. Do you have the OM's home phone #?

Quote
The other is I don't want to expose to our children (16 & 13). They have a ton of daddy issues with their natural father and as much as the rest of this will set WW off the deep end, she is EXTREMELY protective of her children. I'm not worried about her anger, I'm concerned she'd find that unforgivable

I don't agree that she is protective of her children. Not telling them leaves them vulnerable to her lies and spin. Telling them the truth and giving them moral guidance will prepare them for the fallout and help them deal with it. That would be protecting them.

Please reconsider this strategy. Here are some comments from Dr Harley about this:

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

Quote
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
here

Quote
Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.


Quote
The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

Quote
2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
here

Quote
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
H
Member
Member
H Offline
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
fight,
Look up OMW on Peekyou and pipl.com

It will show if this are using any social sites such as FB or My space. maybe you can get additional contact information there. In some cases it gives a ist of all of their relatives.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
I have her home phone, but no back up. My concern is that the story that OM & OMW are seperated is untrue and the OM will prevent my contacting her. I have no idea about their schedules.

I have scoured the internet for further info


BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by fight4life
I have her home phone, but no back up. My concern is that the story that OM & OMW are seperated is untrue and the OM will prevent my contacting her. I have no idea about their schedules.

Why not try this: call the OM's home phone disguising your # with *67 and see who answers? Find out what the answering machine says.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
awesome idea...I was trying to find a private process server in the area as well


BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
(her voice) Hi, this is the Smith's, pls leave a message

I can't wait to do this now. I think it might be the first thing I've enjoyed in weeks.


BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by fight4life
(her voice) Hi, this is the Smith's, pls leave a message

Bingo! Just as I suspected! I would try calling her the night before and telling her about the affair. If you can't get her then, you can try again in the morning of the exposure to the rest of her family.

I also like the idea of a process server showing up at her home on Saturday morning with an envelope of evidence. Any way to pull that off?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
well, they're only supposed to deliver legal notices like subpoenas. I could use a messenger service with instrux that only she can sign for it.


BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by fight4life
well, they're only supposed to deliver legal notices like subpoenas. I could use a messenger service with instrux that only she can sign for it.

Maybe you could use that as a FALLBACK position and just try and accomplish this all via a phone call?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
H
Member
Member
H Offline
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
If you cannot reach her on the phone, go to the post office, federal express or UPS and ask to have a registered letter sent to her with signature required.

Ask if she is the only one who could sign for it. Then send it. Much cheaper than process server.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 251
1st MC session in a while, nervous as hell. All set for weekend nuclear exposure. WW leaves house, immediately calls OM on way to work. This is a total sham, hope I can keep my cool & stay away from LBs in front of the lying serpant my wife has become.


BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by fight4life
1st MC session in a while, nervous as hell. All set for weekend nuclear exposure. WW leaves house, immediately calls OM on way to work. This is a total sham, hope I can keep my cool & stay away from LBs in front of the lying serpant my wife has become.

fight, I would cancel the MC session. That will achieve absolutely nothing expect a whole lot of lovebusting. MC is a complete waste when there is an active affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 551 guests, and 86 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
litchming, scrushe, Carolina Wilson, Lokire, vivian alva
72,031 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Three Times A Charm
by Vallation - 07/24/25 11:54 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,031
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0