I'll try to make this as concise as possible...
My husband and I started going to counseling last Sept. for a small problem we couldn't see eye to eye on. (His friendship with a female classmate- he's in grad school.) Things just seemed to go from bad to worse and in March he decided he wanted to separate to try to figure things out.

After being separated for a couple months he said he wanted a divorce. I told him I couldn't see getting a divorce without trying a workshop for marriages in crisis first. We attended a New Beginnings workshop at the end of June. Although it was by no means a miracle cure, it made him realize there was more left to our marriage than he thought. We came home and continued to try to work on things.

About 3 weeks after the workshop we took a road trip to CO, as he thinks he may want to move there when he is done with school. (We live in IL now.) We had a good time and when we got home he officially moved back in. We �celebrated� our 3rd wedding anniversary and were talking about a future together. We talked about what we would do, where to live (we were thinking about him going back into the Army as a physical therapist), we were looking at cars to buy and trying to do more recreational activities together.

Although we hadn�t officially talked about things I was under the impression that things were going pretty well. I knew things were still rocky, but I felt like we were past the threat of divorce. I finally brought things up over the weekend by asking him why he hasn�t initiated sex in the last few weeks. That led to a whole discussion about how he doesn�t feel any different than he did 6 months ago and he doesn�t know how much longer he can go on be unhappy.

The next day (Monday) I asked him if he�d be willing to take a marriage class (run by the same company who did our workshop). He pretty much laughed and said he didn�t see how that would help if the workshop didn�t help. On Tuesday I came home from work and we ate lunch and then I was going through the mail and he was next to me on the couch on the laptop looking up divorce info. I asked if that was what he decided and he said he made an appt with a lawyer for next Tuesday and yes, it was what he wanted.

After so many months of him feeling this way, I don�t know if there is anything I can even do to make a difference. He pretty much has his mind made up and doesn�t feel motivated to work on things. He feels like we are just a bad fit and we made a mistake. I know it doesn�t help the situation any that his support network right now is a group of single college kids. (Who when they heard told him he was doing the right thing and he�d be so much happier without me.)

Our tentative plan is for him to stay in the house while he finishes school (this is his last year) and I will move back to my hometown and live with my parents until I can find a new job and an apartment. I told him I want to stay here until next weekend (the 11th) as my parent�s will be out of town for Labor Day and I don�t want to be alone. He isn�t sure that it is a good idea, but he stayed last night (even made us dinner and shared our bed.) He says that he will be coming and going as he pleases and I can�t ask where/who he is with. He is planning on still having dinner together every night. I�m so heartbroken. I never thought it would come to this and feel so lost as to what to do. Sorry this was so long�obviously this is still fresh as it just happened yesterday! Any suggestions/advice would be appreciated.

Still_Fighting,

Sorry you are here. I think I am actually the person who referred you to this site. First a couple of questions.


Is he still taking classes with the female "friend?"

I know you are somewhat familiar with the Love Bank model so let me also ask if you have read the Basic Concepts?

I also would suggest that you read this link: How to survive infidelity

Be sure to read at least parts 1 and 2 and anything else that grabs your attention.

Don't panic and be sure to breathe and watch our for your own needs like sleeping, eating and taking care of yourself while you try to come up with a plan to fight this.

You are not alone and many others have been through this. If you read a few of the stories here you will see so many familiar things that it will amaze you.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you are here for the reason that brought you here, but considering the situation, it is a pretty good place to be.

Blessings and Prayers!

Mark

On another note: Ask the mods to move your thread to the Surviving An Affair forum as unfortunately that is where the most traffic is and therefor where you can receive the most help.

Mark

SF, I am sorry you are here. The problem is that he is having an affair. I would have this thread moved to Surviving an Affair by clicking on the notify button and asking the mods to move it.

Since you don't have any kids with him you might be better off just going to divorce. This will be a very hard fight and may not be worth it. Just something to consider. If you do decide to save it, we can help you. No guarantees, but it is possible.

So sorry you find yourself here.

He is the one who wants a D, why do you need to leave your home, job and relocate so nothing rocks his world. Dig your heels in. Tell him you rethought it and that you need your job more than ever, like your house, like the area and if he wants to move -- he can get a room.

He is pushing for you to leave to carry on his A. Plain and simple. Refer to first


:redflag He is having an A and I bet it is with the same student. Waywards lie all the time and he will not tell you the truth.

In the meantime, do not beg him, plead with him, cry or educate him about your marriage. Be pleasant and state that you are not moving. Smile and walk away. He will have a tantrum because things are not going his way.

Listen to these vets. They will help you.

I'm so sorry you are here.

All the flags are there for an affair.

What do YOU want?

Know that it is POSSIBLE to overcome an affair. Know that it will be painful and difficult. Know that it will take 2-5 years AT LEAST. Know that in order to recover, you will have to SNOOP to find out the truth, you will have to EXPOSE this affair to all your friends and family. Also know that it is possible you will also have to experience the pain as your husband transforms into an alien before your very eyes, as you endure some of the worst abuse he can throw at you. As you don't have children, there is less of an incentive for him to return to this marriage, because there is less that holds him to it.

But also know that recovery IS possible - if you think all that is worth it. And if you DO recover, it is possible to have an even BETTER marriage than you ever have.

So what is it you want?

We can help you whatever it is you decide, and there is no judgement either way.

Again, sorry you've found yourself here, but welcome.

Sorry for the threadjack, but want to tell Vibrissa I love your posts and they are thoughtful and encouraging. You are a cheerleader for all of the troubled M and make me believe that anything is possible!

Thanks for doing what you do. End of t/j.

That's because anything IS possible!!

when you have 3 days read my old thread. LOL.

It would be a miracle and I am a praying woman!

It would be - and one I 'hope' for.

But - I've read Mimi's thread, and Queenies... stranger things have happened.

k end /tj

We're here for ya S_f!

Thanks for all the responses. Maybe I'm just being naive, but I really do not feel like there was a physical affair. I'm not convinced that there weren't some feelings involved, but I don't think anything was ever acted on.

I think it would make things a little easier to understand, but I really, honestly, don't feel like it was taken too far. I think the potential was there, and if I hadn't caught on to it sooner, it may have led to something, but I don't know.

Mark, yes, you are the one who referred me. I'm still not sure that anything anyone says on here will make a difference, but I'm willing to try. And, yes, he still is in class with her.

As for me being the one to leave...there really is nothing here for me. I don't really have any friends and my hours at work have been cut to part time since Jan/Feb. and there is no way I could afford to live here on my own. (He can't either...he's probably going to have to get some student loans just to pay the bills until we can sell...which isn't looking too good in our neighborhood!)I do love my house, but I know I need to be around my family and friends (who are all an hour away now.)

Vibrissa-what do I want? I want my life back. I want to make my marriage work and live happily ever after! AS for not having kids...yes, he already mentioned that if we had kids he would be more motivated to work on things. Apparently our 4 legged one doesn't count! (I'm keeping the dog, by the way...which I know doesn't thrill him, but he's not fighting me on it. He knows that he is the one choosing this, and I'm not willing to lose both him and the dog!)

I guess I'm at the point right now that I have to be realistic about the situation...if the last 6 months haven't changed his mind about anything, what are the chances that the next couple weeks will change his mind? The whole thing sucks and I know all of our friends and family (very, very few know we were having problems) will be shocked. I would do anything to save my marriage, I just don't know if it can even be saved anymore.

S_F, The fact that it is not physical is not the issue.

How far do you think it has gone if he is talking about divorce? I'm not trying to be too blunt here, but he is leaning toward giving up his marriage to you for a relationship of some kind with her. The emotional investment is what is taking him away from you, though he is telling you that nothing happened, they are just friends and a whole bunch of other garbage that is trying to make this about you when it is really about him and her.


Nothing anybody on here or anywhere else will make a bit of difference, but there might be things you can do that will make a difference. People are going to suggest to you that you should do things that are going to feel vastly over the top. In some cases they will explain why you should do them and in others, they might not be able to express the why. If a bunch of people tell you to do something though and especially if they quote from Dr Harley's work to you to show you what you should do, you can bet that there are those who followed that advice that now have recovered marriages.

But here's the other part of the whole deal you need to keep in mind. There are things you can try that might save your marriage but trying them cannot make it worse than you are already faced with. If you do the wrong thing he might leave you. If you do nothing, he might leave you. If you do the right thing, he still might leave you. Might as well do the right things and give it the best shot.


Before you just walk away, are you willing to try a real plan of action in order to try to save your marriage?


Based entirely on that answer, MB might give you just that chance you need to make this happen.


When I got your message this morning, my wife and I talked about it. Before you posted she and I had come to the same conclusion, that there was another woman in your husband's life that was driving him to throw away the marriage. Things have not changed in the last 6 months because nothing has changed in the last six months. He still sees her every day (or several times per week) and still communicates with her in other ways than in person. He pushes you away so that you will pull away giving him more justification to feed his affair. I'll even bet your counselor either told him to stop seeing her and he got bent WAY out of shape or the counselor told you to suck it up and let him have friends.

You should already know his top Emotional Needs, I think. What are they and what can you do to try to meet those?

You should also be familiar with Love Busters. Which ones are your greatest adversary and how can you work to overcome them?

Do you know the name of this other women? What do you know about her? (I don't mean what has he told you about her, what do you KNOW about her for sure?)

I was going to give my usual advice at this point but don't want to overwhelm you right now. Assuming you have read the Basic Concepts and the link I posted, get on with reading this:

Remember that you did not do this, cause this or make this choice for him. He did it all alone.

I still think you should click on <Notify> and ask the mods to move this to Surviving An Affair forum. There are so many more there that can help you that are up to their eyeballs in helping people deal with situations so similar to yours they will scare you and make you check to see if you aren't reading your own story.

A lot of people will be here for you, S_F if you let them. You aren't alone and aren't the first to go through this.

Blessings and Prayers!

Mark

Snoop...

Check his emails
Phone bill

Or hire a PI

You will know the reason why he wants a divorce...

The moment him and his female "friend" was hanging out and talking, it has been a physical affair.

You can take our advice snoop, and hire a PI, or you can just wait till you receive the divorce papers.

I guarentee you, that YOU CAN save this marriage once you find out everything, because there are people on this forum that can help you get it back. But the first thing you need to do is realize that your husband has been in affair the moment he said...

"I'm not happy"

"I love you, but not in love with you"

"I want a divorce"

"this is just not going to work"

ETC....

Thanks for all the responses...unfortunately at this time I feel like all of this is being more detrimental to my mental/emotional state and I won't be returning for some time.

If that is what you want then I am sorry.

See you on the divorced forum.

S_F,

Your "little" problem you sought counseling for was not really so little, was it? The real problem is that your marriage cannot survive as long as three people are involved in it and that is what is occurring as long as he is still in contact with OW.

The ideas from this website have saved many marriages, my own marriage among them, and though the prospect of making thing worse by confronting the source of the conflict between you and your husband can seem daunting, letting things run their natural course will not likely result in your still being married a couple of years from now.

Mark

S-F, I am sorry you feel overwhelmed. Look at your screen name "Still fighting". remember why you chose it.

You can save your M alone. It starts with one.

I know how stressful it is, I know the shame and pain of all of this. Some days I did not (and didn't) get out of bed.

When you feel stronger please return. If I did not have MB I don't know what I would have done. It has saved me with the support here.

Blessings.