This may be a complicated situation to other posters, maybe not. My wife moved out about a month ago, and I am looking for some advice. She is 26 and I am 29. No previous affairs. We have been married for over two years and have a one year old son. He is a twin. We had a very difficult pregnancy. That complicates things even further. I worry about her.
She moved in with a guy friend from work, whom she says she is not having an affair with. She did admit she kissed him but said it was wierd. The situation screams "affair" to me and most people I have talked to about it. At best it is an emotional affair because she has put him above everything else, including her family.
I have been considering starting PLan A, even though I have no concrete proof of a physical affair other than the kissing. Any advice would be much appreciated. Sorry if I forgot to add any important information.

One More thing. I have told her that our son cannot stay with her at the OM's house. She was not happy and I am starting to question the decision. It is a big love buster.

Dude...sorry your here....I got news for you it is physical.
You will gets loads of good advice here. Expose affair to everyone. Many more veterans here than me...but i am thinking plan B...I just started mine today.....listen to the other folks here.

Buckeye,

I have no concrete proof of a physical affair other than the kissing.

When was the last time your wife wanted to kiss you?

I have told her that our son cannot stay with her at the OM's house.

Do you know how much more likely a child is to be molested, abused or injured by a step parent and I think the probability is even higher for a live in lover. In the meanwhile your wife is so in love with this guy he can do NO WRONG. Her complete state of denial can extend to your son btw.

I think some of the other folks here have the statistics on what I recall.

BTW would your wife believe you that you were just sleeping at some young womans apartment?

Does OM have a wife?

God Bless
Gamma

Move her back home

Have you read this thread yet? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Sorry you are here and this is going to be a long road for you. It is going to take a lot of work. Are you ready for it?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you read it? Have you read the info on this site? Have you read any other people's threads.

Welcome to MB

Your wife is sleeping with this guy.

Do a search on this site for "nuclear exposure." Expose to her family, friends, co-workers and especially her & his supervisor(s). There's a model letter on this site that you can send to the supervisors with a cc: to their company's general counsel (just so that no one is tempted to ignore it). In the letter, you explain the suspicion that they've been furthering their affair on company time & resources, and that this may have consequences that won't look good for the company. No guarantees, but it might ratchet up the pressure & even get one of them fired, which would take some of the bloom off this stinking rose of theirs.

No way you should 2nd-guess your decision to keep the kid away from the OM. He doesn't have to be a molester to be no good in your child's life. Get your son home. Stand firm on that.

Sorry you're in this situation, guy. Others will be along soon who can advise you better than I.

Buckeye, protecting your son is not a lovebuster. That is your parental obligation. I would strongly advise you to sue for divorce on grounds of parental abandonment and adultery to get sole custody of your son. Have it put in your papers that the child cannot be exposed to your wife's adultery.

Your first obligation is to protect your son at all costs from her destructive lifestyle. Exposing little kids to affair partners is how kids end up abused and killed.

That is your first step.

Secondly, I would expose this affair wide and far. Expose to the OM's family, you and your wife's family and friends.

And your wife is having a full boat physical affair. I am sorry to tell you this, but she is lying about that.

Plan A is where you should be:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Thanks everyone

Gamma-
OM does have a wife, but they have been separated since early in the spring I believe. The wierd thing is that he has tried to give me advice on how to make it work with my wife. OM's wife cheated on him and left with their two kids.
And no my wife wouldn't believe that. She was always the more jealous of the two of us.

Scotland-
I am ready for it. I have read some of the thread and many of the articles and posts on this site. It is hard to find time when I work and then come home to watch my son. I am trying to though.

Gloveoil-
It has been exposed to our immediate families and I believe some of them have told their place of work. He was her boss, but she recently quit her job (she said to spend more time with our son).

I have tried to be nice to her but it is so hard, as many of you know, when you get almost nothing in return. We have our good days together and some bad days.

DITTO!!

Have you personally spoken to the OM's wife? I would get ahold of her. You will find likely that this is a pack of lies. They may not even be separated. And if they are, she can use this intel about his affair in her divorce.

I would find the OM's facebook page and expose the affair to his parents and other family and friends. The key will be to cause as much trouble for the OM as possible.

I have not spoken to his wife. He did play me a recording of him talking to a guy about cheating with his wife. I probably should talk to her and let his family know as well. Thanks again.

Keep in mind that OM is a liar and a weasel so his word is meaningless.

*****************EDIT****************

saddestwife-
That is the part that makes this all so complicated. When she first started to withdraw from me and the rest of her family that is the first thing we thought of. It sometimes seems like she avoids me, our house, her family and mine because they all remind her of what happened. When she isn't here she doesn't have to think about it. Me and her mother and sister have tried to get her to some type of counseling or at least a support group. It just leads to her getting mad and leaving. I hope I can somehow convince her. I don't want to give up on her because she has been through so much. She was so strong for our boys.

Now that she isn't working she does see him a lot more. Her job made it difficult for her to spend a lot of quality time with him or me for that matter. I would never take him away from her.

Buckeye, just because she lost one child, does not mean that you sacrifice the surviving child to her destructive lifestyle. Your first order of business has to be to protect your child. Your wife is subjecting him to her affair and that is how little kids end up abused, molested or killed.

You cannot allow the fact that she lost a child to interfere with your obligation to protect your child. Her grief does not absolve you of your parental responsibility to protect your child.

The loss of her child has NOTHING to do with the necessary steps to save your marriage and protect your child. It is irrelevant to the current situation.

There is a wealth of data supporting the reasons you should keep your child away from the OM:

[u][i][b]Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change[/b][/i][/u]

- Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological
parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.


- Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .

- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.

**********EDIT****************

Stop disrupting this thread! Keep your posts respectful and helpful to this poster or they will be removed.

***********EDIT**************

However, I put my head in my hands and wept for you and your wife when I read your first post so I'm not going to give up easily.

You said your wife is resistant to counseling. It may be that the hole of her pain is so deep and frightening that she can't bring herself to look into it. Her brain may skip off of it like a rock skipping off water. So how are we going to lure her into counseling?

What does she care about now? Your son. She absolutely doesn't care about herself (read that three times, and then read it again three times morning and night). Hard to say if she cares about you. But she cares about her child for sure.

We lure her into counseling with your son. How? You tell her that you are struggling with the loss of the twin, that you are concerned that that will impact your parenting going forward, and so you are getting help. And then you do it because you need the help anyway, and if you are going to lead her out of the darkness, you need a flashlight.

Lead by example.

If you come back here **********EDIT******I will give you my thoughts on how to make her feel safe to feel her feelings. I came by what I know the hard way. I know a broken woman when I see one.

saddestwife, while counseling might be beneficial to her [and maybe not because grief counseling can cause more harm than good] your post does nothing to address the issue at hand. The issue at hand is the safety of his child and the affair that is ruining his marriage.

The fact that there was a stillborn baby is absolutely irrelevant to those issues and is just a distraction. The safety and well being of his child has to come first. I realize it is an emotional issue, but is has absolutely nothing to with the present problems.

No BS should ever expose his child to an affair unless he is forced to do so. It is an unfit environment that often results in child abuse, molestation and even death. For you to dismiss that real risk is irresponsible and unhelpful to this poster. Adulterers are unfit role models for any child.

I am very disappointed in how you have attempted to disrupt this newcomers thread with your own agenda.