Why would you need to "lure her into counseling?" Are you aware that grief counseling can actually DELAY the recovery of most patients keeping them triggered and depressed for much longer?

Before you commence sending newcomers on wild goose chases based on nothing more relevant than popular bumperstickers about counseling, why not read up on the issue? Check out this book: One Nation Under Therapy, How the Helping Culture is Eroding Self Reliance by Christina Hoff Sommers and Sally Satel, M.D.


That is ridiculous. She is having an affair and dragging her child around the OM. To say that is the act of a "caring" parent is insane. "Caring" parents don't have affairs. Adultery is the ultimate demonstration of self will run riot. A "caring parent" does not purposely destroy their child's family for their own selfish pursuits.

She's definitely having an affair. You are right to keep your child from this scumbag. Listen to the great advice you've received here already.

She is having an affair...so she cares for NO ONE including HER CHILD!!!!

When did she start to withdraw? Shortly before she moved out? Do you have access to her emails/FB account/cell records? If so, you may be able to piece together when the A started.

Dr Harley says in his experience hen a spouse moves out of the house, it is pretty much always because they want more freedom to conduct their A.

I guess what I am trying to say, based on that and given your timeline, it is doubtful she moved out to avoid bad memories being around you and your family, the house, etc.

IMO Mel is exactly right and all of her advice to you has been spot on. Focusing on grief counseling is a red herring and not going to help help her or your M while she is engaged in an A.

From my own personal experience with my H (we also thought part of the reason for the A was due to depression from work dissatisfaction & undealt with grief from a good friend's suicide earlier in the year) IC didn't do anything to help the situation.at all.while he was still in contact with his OW. Dealing with the A FIRST was key.

BTW, when you taking posters' advice, it will be helpful to ask yourself how long they have been posting here... Are they advising you based on MB concepts? Are they working on recovering their M? etc.

Hang in there.

The reason I KNEW something was VERY WRONG with my H during his A was that his attitude towards our children had changed dramatically. He constantly wanted to either go out of the house for "errands" (to use the phone I now know) or wanted me to get them out of the house. He had no interest in going to the school for parents' night. He was absent minded and distracted when he was around us. A typical foggy wayward.

Please please please do not fool yourself into thinking she will make your child's safety a priority. Waywards are mostly just interested in getting their next hit off the affair crackpipe and are not thinking clearly.

She got so mad today when I said she couldn't have him overnight. She actually called me a monster and said that I am hurting her. (hurting her, ha.) For good measure she threw in threats of taking my son away from me. Is that something she could do since she moved out? She also said the relationship was over and actually had the gall to say, she was done trying to make it work and that I was not trying.. Like others have said, it is like her body has been taken over by an alien.

Make sure you get an emergency custody order. Go to the courts with the information that your wife has moved out and wants to take the child to stay overnight in another mans home, and you do not believe this is in the best interest of the child.

See about supervised visitation, where she can spend time with the child with someone who will make sure the child is safe and is returned home since she has threatened to take your child away from you.

I'd speak with a lawyer, but if she's made that threat, you may have a leg to stand on to get an emergency custody agreement.

That will really provide some reality with respect to the potential consequences of her continued behavior.

The salient points are:

1) She has threatened to take your child from you.
2) She wants to expose the child to an unknown male who is not a parent for overnight visits.

Neither of these are in the best interests of the child.

She should be allowed to see her child, but only in a fashion that guarantees the safety of the child and that the child remains in his current home.

Do not leave the home.
Do not allow the child to leave the home for overnight visits.
In fact, I'd not allow her to have the child alone without you or someone who is a friend of the marriage there with her and the child.

Buckeye, please call an attorney and take steps to protect your son. Until you do that, she can do whatever she wants with the boy. It will be up to you to protect him until she comes back to her senses.

Buckeye,

My friend, it's time to stop letting fear control you and to do the hard thing. It is this:

Full exposure to friends and family.
Legal filing restricting your infant son to the marital home.
Legal protection for you and your son.

This will act as a bucket of cold water thrown on the fantasy fire your wife is currently stoking.

If you do not do this, then you are simply endorsing her behavior and exposing your child.

It isn't easy to do and it is scary, but you MUST protect him and yourself.

It definitely will be a hard thing to make any legal filings. I can't believe it could come to that.
One small morsel of positive: She did apologize for saying she would take him from me and said that she was just angry and didn't mean what she said.

As for exposure, our immediate families know that she is living with the OM and probably assume an affair, but I have no concrete proof even though there is about a 99.99 percent chance that is what is happening. (at least two people in her family have told their workplace about her living with the OM). I also told some or her friends and got in touch with the OM's wife. She said she was very mad and didn't have kind words for the OM. Do I just tell everyone that we know?

Now that is just silly. Of course they are having an affair. Your wife is not in there reading the bible all night with her lover.


Tell her parents, your parents, his parents, close family, friends. Is this a workplace affair? If so, then it should be exposed at workplace in an official way. We can help you with a letter.

My brother wants to post it on facebook. Has anyone had success with that or is it a bad idea?

It was a workplace affair, but she quit the job a week ago. Before that he was her boss.

Facebook exposures are very effective, but not if you just post it. If you send a private email to their contacts, it is effective. The messages have to be sent out 1 minute apart or FB will shut oyu down for flooding. I can post some sample letters at the bottom of this post.


I would send a letter to the director of Human Resources, the OM's supervisor and a key executive. I will post a sample letter for this too. THe OM's employuers should know he has affairs in teh workplace.

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney. This letter should be sent to the Director of Human Resources and cc�d to the adulterers supervisors and a key VP. It is critical that this letter be sent to several people so no one person can give into the temptation to bury the issue.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

A little update:

First, I will be using the letters shown above, probably tonight, with a few changes to fit my situation. Thank you.

Also, my brother did post something on facebook without mentioning my WS by name. Needless to say, she wasn't too happy about. She said it was none of his business. I responded by asking what she would do if someone treated her brother the way she has treated me. She had no response.

She also seems to have agreed that our son will not spend the night at the OM's apartment or spend any time with him. She also asked, if we did get a divorce, would I ask for full custody. I told her he would live in our home with me but she could see him. She must be worried since she moved out of our home, doesn't have a job and I have been his primary caregiver.

She has been much more friendly towards me the past few weeks. But she still doesn't want to spend much time around me. I don't know if it is guilt or what. She seems to avoid it even when I know she isn't with the OM.

I'm still working on ending the affair but I am through being a doormat. I am doing everything I can to put a stop to it.

She is beeing more friendly because she is busy figuring out how to keep her lover and not hurt herself by divorce too much. Thus, giving you some "hope" is necessary.

Kill the affair first, then start to register her attitude towards you.

Be very careful and suspicious.

Well we had a good first half of the week. Hung out alone and as a family. Got along well, didn't fight. Then she tells me she is going to the OM's hometown for a couple days and they are staying in a hotel. (She sent a pic of two beds, like that makes me feel better.) She said she is going to take pictures, but that isn't believable. And she also tells me there is no affair to end when I tell her to end it.

So now, I exposed and will continue with plan A. So, do I spend a couple more months being nice to her, while she does stuff like this. Is that Plan A or am I missing something?

Luckily I am in a lot better place than I was when this all first started happening. I am staying more calm and not letting what she does bother me too much.

OH MY GOSH the room has 2 beds!!! THAT'LL keep them from having the sex!

Expose.

Yesterday.

File for separation and get custody of your boy with no possibility of overnights with your wife's opposite sex friends.

My wife was mad that she was exposed at the OM and her former employer (by her family) and to her friends (by me). It is pretty clearly making things more difficult for her and the OM. I don't know if it is difficult enough to end the affair though. The OM's bosses now know about the affair, but I don't know that they have done anything about it.

She said she wanted me to leave her friends out of it and try something myself. I have been trying for more than a month, but she has a wall up most of the time. She just doesn't want the effort I have made. She agreed to let me try, but we will see how that goes. She wants to wait until she feels better though. She has been feeling sick the past few days. Maybe it is the guilt.

Vibrissa- Thanks for the advice, I just don't know if I am ready for that. She has been good about not taking our son, since I told her she couldn't.