Yesterday marked three years after D-day. My day was so much better than previous tirgger dates. We are both feeling much better and are still following MB principles and working on the subcourses.

The A still pops up from time to time. Last week on vacation, while setting an alarm on the cell phone, I was playing with different rings and H abruptly said, "Don't use that one". It triggered him rather badly and he slept fitfully with nightmares about the counsequences of his A (not the warm fuzziness of it, but the horrible things that happened because of it).


Both H and I believe MB really works, if you actually do it. Whenever we have taken shortcuts, it has hindered our recovery. We re-group and get back into it, trying to follow the program as closely as possible.

Recovery posts are rather boring (thankfully).

AM

Thank you for the update! I was just wondering how you were doing the other day

I have read allot of post in the days since my injury and being laid up. You make such a great point about both of you following the MB principles. I do not believe my FWH is into them as much as I am.

Seems we never have the time and I believe with out the "time" we won't have a great a marriage as we could. *sigh*

Glad you two seem to be doing so great!!!

HU

Halfunit,

Thanks. H and I really notice a difference if we don't get at least 15 hours of UA time. We have tracked it for 62 weeks now, and when hours dropped (5 times over the past year), we could both tell. Also, we are really stingy in what we count and we schedule everything, to include our SF time.

The program really works if you do it and for my H, if we scheduled the RC and SF, everything else pretty much fell in line. I still need more affection than he provides, but now I tell him I like affection to be "over the top". For me, that is something that changed post A. I need way more affection than I did pre-A.

AM

Yeah, with my current schedule (back in school), it's tougher to get our UA time in. I like the idea of scheduling SF for the week... I should approach that topic with my wife! Thanks for the suggestion.

AM-
I'm so glad to read that you are doing so well. You and your H are a true inspiration to me.
I havent been here in quite awhile- but i'm glad i came and read your post.
We have been struggling lately - and have had highs and lows. Your consistency and your H's triggering to his ringtone- wow- that warms my heart.
Keep it up.
sf

It's good to hear you are still doing well, old friend.

Hi Sunflower and GY,

Thanks for stopping by. I have been wondering about you both.

I still have my meltdown moments(ummmm, yesterday), but I usually don't post much about them - too negative. H is being great. Usually, a meltdown occurs after some sort of trigger, too much time to think about it, and some sort of compulsion to talk about it. It ends up with me crying. I can't believe how much I have cried in the last 3 years - more than in the previous 56 years, including infancy.

Best to you both.

AM

GY,
Going to the beach this weekend with the grandkids????

Sunflower, hugs.

MB coach has us working on the affection subcourse for SEVERAL weeks. One of us is slacking off somewhat. Hmmmm, wonder who? I have been complaining, but no change so the plan is to get VERY specific.

AM

AM,
I haven't checked in here or at **edit** in months, but I just wanted to see what you were up to. Was I surprised that you remembered that we generally spend Memorial Day at the beach with the grandchildren. You have to love a friend who remembers. We did go there for MD and will be spending another week there in late June.

We just celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary. MB helped me maintain a degree of sanity in that first year, but now I don't dwell on the infidelity any more. That's not to say that I don't think about it at some point (or two or three) every day. It's just not painful anymore--unless I allow myself to wallow in details. It's just a nasty memory/scar that I've learned to live with.

GY

Sunday was our 29th wedding anniversary. H and I went to 1000 Island area for a weekend away. We stayed at a nice B&B, did some sightseeing, had a couple of lovely dinners and on Sat evening took a dinner cruise on the St Lawrence River. It was all very nice with a couple of minor exceptions. For example, there was a couple celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary on the dinner cruise and one of the family members requested the Michael Buble version of the song, "Me and Mrs Jones" (WHAT were these people thinking? Maybe, there last name is Jones. That's the only explanation I could have.).

For the most part it was a very nice weekend - until the ride home. One the way home, we stopped at a clothing store that used to be one of my favorites. I had some pretty good sale coupons and was looking for something to wear at a friend's retirement in DC next month. I should have known better because shopping there with my H was a massive trigger. We finally left without buying anything and had a two hour ride home. In the car, I really got spun up inside and actually found myself wishing my H had met OW first (That was one of the things she wanted me to know - that H had said that he wished he had met OW first. Fogbabble at its finest). I didn't mention this thought, but I did tell H I was still feeling hurt by his discussion of me with OW (H said some awful things about me to her and very few negative comments about her to me. Of course, I know one of her biggest faults is that she is a massive liar.)

Yesterday, when H pushed me for what I was thinking, I said that the wound is still very deep and I was feeling angry (didn't have an AO, but didn't want to be around him either). I guess I am not as tough as I thought. Sometimes, I question my own decision to stay - why would I want to be with someone who is so capable of throwing me under a bus for his own ends? H said he was truly sorry for "talking to OW about me". But he didn't just talk to her, he rideculed and denegrated me, all to justify his actions with her.

So, I am back to mentally listing why I should stay and why I should go. There are many more logical reasons to stay. But I am not feeling the love right now. We are still having issues with the affection lesson. We started to re-visit it about 4 weeks ago and are still stuck on getting the inventory on paper. It seems as though sometimes I am the one stuck and other times, it is him. I think affection is the piece missing. I guess it is time to talk to MB coach about this.

AM

Those moments are awful. I am sorry that your weekend ended on such a bad note. I thought I was crazy and the only one that had those moments still where it just seems like its too much to deal with.

Hopefully things will start going better for you. Thanks for posting though, I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who still thinks about jumping off the crazy recovery wagon sometimes.

Maybe you could plan something special for UA this week that would meet one or two of your top needs in a big way? Those moments hit the $LB balance pretty hard and doing that might help to get you feeling better. If I can get something like that going it helps me and my H to bounce back a lot faster from those bad days.

Yep, I've been going through the same thoughts myself. My scars are just so tender that the slightest touch/trigger makes me examine the scar and the cause until I'm in quite a turmoil. Again, I learned my MB lesson well; I suffer it alone, keeping my mouth shut.

It does get a whole lot better you guys...IF you keep your mouth shut (as goldenyears recommends...which is OK as long as you aren't burying things but rather still working a recovery program). There's no reason to bring up triggers and go off on or about them. Bringing up the affair 2 or 3 years later in such manner is an enemy to good conversation. How can he do a better job of "recovering" if you don't as well?

I'm sure you've been told to picture a stop sign. Well do that but also consider alternative ACTIONS...as feelings follow action. Divert your attention on to something else. If trapped in a car like Armymamma...maybe that would have been a perfect time for an audio book on CD or merely crank some tunes.

My wife and I use "bloom where you are planted" a lot. We like it because "bloom" is an action undertaken in response to nutrients and sunlight. Feed your recovery with information and get outside and do things TOGETHER.


Another positive thought.... What if 20 years from today, at your 50 wedding anniversary you BOTH look back at this period of your LIVES and your marriage as your finest hours. It's the opportunity to shine and REBIRTH something more wonderful. A better marriage and shining example of strength and perseverance to your three daughters.

Anyway...I apologize in my johnny sunshine post is ill-timed. I see now it's been a few weeks but oh well.

Mr. Wondering

HI AM-
I can very much relate to all that you feel and are going through. This July, it was 3 years past D-Day for us.
I find that if the trigger is something that my H did not DO - like a song - i have a much easier time keeping my mouth shut and just getting through it- without bringing up the affairs.

But if the trigger is something that he does - like not 100% honesty- or not keeping a POJA - then i explain how i feel- but i work really hard not to mention the affairs- just explain that this behavior was hurtful.
SF

Thanks, Mr Wondering. Those were great comments. I like the bloom "where you plant" thought. It reminds me to re-focus on the positive. I would like to think at 50 years we will value our time together and not think it was an incredible waste of our lives.


Hi Sunflower,

I think your point is an important observation. I am much less bothered by triggers "outside of us" versus ones that currently involve us. Songs don't really bother me and some time ago I started listening in English again.

Right now, I am still having a problem with affection. H says he is happy and in love. I, on the other hand, would like more affection, have told H that, have described exactly what and it does not happen.

As one example of several incidents, on Wednesday, I dropped him off at a place he volunteers. One of the other guys was standing there when we arrived. The three of us had some conversation and then H walked off talking with the other guy - no hug for me, no kiss, not even a good-bye - see you later. I was very hurt. I felt like part of the parked car. My immediate thought was, "H would never have done that to OW". Later, I talked to H, explained my hurt feelings and he said, "I did not mean to hurt your feelings." No, of course not. He did not mean to hurt my feelings with the affair. Except to hide the A from me, I was not considered - a big nothing.

Anyway, right now, I don't think our marriage is wonderful. It is ok - maybe a 6 on a scale of 10. Today, I am still hopeful that it will be a 10. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow.

AM

AM-
I have experienced the exact same words- "I didnt meant to hurt you" from my H many times. To me, that is a very frustrating statement and i feel exactly as you do. I think -"if you didnt want to hurt my feelings - then WHY did you do it? You knew that behavior would be hurtful to me and did it anyway?"

Then i go to the dark place mentally of thinking -"will he ever be a thoughtful, kind partner? is it really possible for people to change? What am i doing with him?" etc. Most of the time now, i dont actually SAY any of this, but i used to. Now i am learning through MB to stop being reactive- and not take his actions personally.

I have explained to my H- that a person who doesnt mean to kill someone- by hitting them with their car by accident- is still going to prison and that person is still dead.

Since you have been specific about the behaviors you want from affection- and your husband has not complied- it probably takes alot of practice to break those habits and create new ones. And he is NOT doing those things TO you- its just a bad habit. This is the most frustrating part for me too.

When i feel like that - i keep reminding myself that "Progress had been made." That we- the BSs are changing also- and its not easy for us to break habits either.

I think the WSs are so used to doing what they want when they want to - IB- that it takes a long time for them to stop and think of us before they do something.
We feel frustrated and unsure when they do that same careless behavior again and again.

Hang in there. Your H has demonstrated in so many ways- how much he has changed and will continue to change. (I loved the story of his work ipod bc my H had the same thing happen.)

Maybe you could tell your H that his statement of "not meaning to hurt you" actually makes it worse - that you would prefer if he just said " I'm sorry. I am working on changing me and will continue to do so." (This is what my H says now when he messes up.)

Try to look at the bigger picture - and how far you have both come.
SF

Sunflower,

You, of course, are correct. We have come a long way. We are together nearly all the time. We work and play together. Most of the time we are in the same room at the house. I enjoy his company and I think he enjoys mine. We have always been that way. The A had more to do with military deployments and loose boundaries than the dynamics inside our marriage.

Earlier this month, DS23 was home on military leave before going to Iraq. H offered DS23 the IPOD. So that's where it went.

Re. affection, MB coach suggested if H misses an opportunity to kiss me good-bye, that I follow after him, loudly saying something along the lines of "H, you forgot something. You forgot my hug and kiss". She thinks that it will only take one time for that to change that behavior. I think she is right. I just have to not be hurt by his thoughtlessness.

AM

Hey GY,

I see you lurking. How are you?

AM

Oops! I've been caught! Thanks for the friendly shout-out. Things are okay. For some reason, I've been triggered pretty badly lately. H still devotes over-the-top time and effort into recovery. All the problems I encounter seem to be in my mind as a result of triggers. Almost three years into R, what's going on with me? Wish I knew. Any suggestions???