She did agree to NC but did not go through with it.. She told me to call him on the speakerphone so we could both let him know about what needed to happen. When we called him, I told him the purpose of our call. After listening, he then asked her if that is really what she wanted. At that point she started crying and did not answer anymore of his or my questions. She heard him though, when he kept repeating that he loved her.

I did expose to my kids, her sister, her brother and her mom today.. My parents already know about it..

This guy already admitted to WW and me that he is an ex-con, spent 3 years in prison for drug charges, has DUI convictions, his house has been raided and investigated by local law enforcement, is bisexual, addicted to Xanax, smokes pot and is an alcoholic. She told me today that the reason he is like this is because he has never came across someone like her that will truly care for him. She said she can change his life..

I love her and my family very deeply.. It is destroying me to think I may have to kick her out of the house.. There must be some other option..

Oh brother!

Yeah, I know. This really hurt me when she told me this.. Nevermind the sex.. I would have felt better if she would have just stabbed me through my heart.

You need to go NUCLEAR with exposure, telling everyone what kind of guy he is, including the kids. You push to get her to agree to NC, none of this stupid speakerphone stunts again. That was retarded. I don't know why you did it. Once you get that agreed to, you change the phone number, block the numbers and email addresses, completely filter all ways of communicating (you are an engineer, you can figure out this James Bond stuff), and maybe have family keep an eye to prevent him from showing up on your doorstep. If that doesn't work and she still contacts him, then I would quickly find a way to separate (legal separation), hopefully get her out of the house, throw her into his arms, and go to a quick plan B. You know as well as I do that the sooner they are "together" the sooner this stupid thing will fall apart. Plan B helps protect you while she figures this out for herself, and it exposes her to what life would be like without you.

Trust me, if you want to save your marriage, you will get your chance. However, your goal is to end it quickly enough that by the time that happens, that is still what you want.

You are right on Jim. The sooner they are "together", the sooner it will fall apart. I have an abundance of airline miles. I am thinking of booking her a flight to go over there with him. I will stay here with the kids. I want her to see firsthand what kind of life she will have with a guy like this. If she makes it back to Texas alive, then maybe I'll consider taking her back. This all really sucks. I wish her head would come out of her a** so she could see what's on the line here.

I still haven't heard back from my company about the move to Mexico. I told my boss about what's going on with her and he said he needs to speak to his boss about what they can do. He's on vacation this week. I really don't care at this point. If I lose my job, I will file for unemployment and stay here to take care of my kids until I find another job. I will move us all to my parents house if I have to..

HOLD OFF ON THAT TICKET!

You need to stop coming up with ideas on your own. You saw how that speakerphone idea turned out. Huge mistake. You've got a lot of EXPOSURE and trying to strangle the life out of the affair FIRST. That is plan B, and only if it is a ONE-WAY ticket. You don't want to give them just a vacation together. Everyone gets along on vacation. You need to do a full-out NUCLEAR exposure and see what that does first. You need to booby-trap all forms of communication first and see what that does. You need to fight to make OM uncomfortable first. Expose to everyone on his side, whether or not you think they care. Get a PI. Expose to his pre-school classmates. Keep track of if he tries getting a job in your area. Tip them off to his record and previous employment history. Don't get ahead of yourself. You've got some fighting to do first before you just cut your WW loose.

Thanks for pulling my irrational mind back to the ground. Emotions are intense with me right now. Scientific method does not work on this one!! I have no other friends besides her and this is what hurts so much. I will stick to plan A and keep fighting to end this affair of hers. I really appreciate the support I am getting here.

LD2010,

ex-con, spent "3 years in prison" for "drug charges" ... is "bisexual" "addicted" to Xanax, smokes pot and is an alcoholic.

This person as a number of high risk factors for AIDS! There is no way you can allow your wife to have relations with this person, even if she leaves you she should never have sex with this person. If only for the reason that you want your children to have a Mother.

Does he also do IV drugs?

God Bless
Gamma

Listen, this is exactly what you need to do to end your WW's affair. Don't be afraid about pushing her away. What you have done the past few months has only pushed them further together. You should be doing the opposite of what you did before.

You calmly tell your WW that you will no longer accept any contact whatsoever between her and OM. You expose to everyone about the affair including all the drug, criminal record, bisexual stuff as well. Tell your children their mother had an affair with this man. Then you take matters into your own hands and cut off all forms of communication. Block the cell phone, change her number (he'll eventually get smart and call from another number, so just change it), cut off her email, password protect the internet so she can't get on it, use flexispy on her cell phone, use spectorPro on the computer to monitor her computer usage, put GPS on her car, monitor her bank account, check her purse, car, drawers, pockets, etc., for an "affair phone" or calling card, and WHEN (not if) she breaks NC, you cut off that new avenue of contact. Your WW will NOT leave you and her comfortable life. She will only SMOOTHLY transition OM into your spot once he is here, so if you cut it off BEFORE that happens, you are fine. She can't take the kids out of state, OM is not here, and she needs you to financially support her. She's going nowhere. Now, she'll hem and haw and try to pick fights, but you just walk away from them. Read the ENs questionnaire and try to fill it out how you think she would. What ENs has the OM been filling (probably conversation)? You start meeting that need. Figure out what she'll talk about. For my WW it was TV, celebrity news, and other news. Just light smalltalk. You also fill out the LB form for her and figure out what you need to improve on. You continue this and keep her from contacting OM (she'll keep trying, but if you keep busting her and blocking her new access, she'll give up. It's all about a test of wills). After 2-3 months of NC, you will see her start to soften towards you. After 6 months, she should be fully over OM, and then willing to work on the relationship with you. You just need to keep her from contacting OM. If you can't despite all your efforts (and I mean physically can't, you don't give up easily), THEN you go to plan B in a couple months. However, I don't think you'll need that if you just do what I say. Unfortunately, you won't be able to do that if you are traveling.

NO MORE NEGOTIATION!

You didn't end their ability to talk, you are just forcing them to figure out another way. Start looking for an affair phone. You also need to install a keylogger on the computer to catch her trying to set up any new email accounts. Go to www.spectorsoft.com - I recommend it. Best $100 you'll ever spend.

Dump your land line. One less thing to deal with, and you weren't getting calls on it anyway.

Given OM's criminal past and his admission about current substance abuse, can you get a restraining order that will prevent your wife from ever taking your kids near him? Do that and it will put a serious burr in your wife's plan of leaving you for him and retaining custody. The affair won't be so fun if she has to choose between OM and her kids.

And all of that will be a matter of public record. You need to go online to the county he was arrested/convicted in. You can get all the goods - try googling *county name here* court records. Try different counties if you strike out on the first one(s).

You know. I did something stupid, again, today.. Me and WW called OM and asked him about the possibility of him having STD's and giving them to my WW. He then said that he gets tested every 52 days for HIV/AIDS. This was a very unusual response I thought. Why get tested every 52 days? Last time I got tested was back in 1993.. What the hell!!

I am not sure I can be with her anymore.. She has endangered my life and the lives of of my children.. She told me that she had sex with him for the 2 days that he was here. He gets tested for HIV/AIDS every 52 days.. Why is that number so important?? Every 52 days??

Most likely because he has had unprotected sex with someone who is HIV positive or is in an on going relationship with someone who maybe a prostitute. He could also have hepatitis as well. Which also effects the immune system. What a winner. Is your wife certifiable? Do not even kiss your wife until you both are thoroughly tested for STDs and Hepatitis. I would take her off all financial accounts and credit cards. You can order groceries over the internet and have them delivered. Do all the bill paying on line yourself. This guy could pressure your wife into robbing you blind. Sorry but she sounds that stupid.

STOP IT! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F-ING MIND!

No more freaking conference calls. Your WW is an addict, and you are just letting her continue to shoot up "just one more time." NC means NC, not contact as long as you are on the phone as well.

Have you exposed to your kids and all WW's family? Have you cut off all access to OM (besides when you want to call him on speaker)? You are your own worst enemy. You keep making the situation worse. All you are going to do is destroy the remaining love you have for your WW and get divorced. Is that what you want? Then start ACTUALLY listening and implement our advice. We aren't going to respond to you if you don't take our advice and just sabotage yourself. Do you want to know if she has STD's? Well just get her tested before you have sex with her again. It's that easy. No need for a phone call. Don't call him up on speaker again and ask him why he needs to get tested every 52 days. Call up your doctor and ask him. Jesus, I thought you were and engineer and supposed to be smart. You've completely turned off your brain. Snap out of it!

Answer the questions, follow the advice, and you can save your marriage. I don't want to come back here to hear about the next conference call you had. Start NC today for life and bust your WW everytime she makes contact, and stop that as well. She's not going to leave you for him. So put your freaking foot down and put an end to this. However, you may very well leave her if she continues to put you through this (if you allow her to). Man up and end this for her. She's not going to do it herself. So, if you still want to keep your family together, you'll pull it together and kill this affair. Quit being afraid, quit negotiating. EVERYTHING you've done thus far has been wrong. Stop doing it. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. You are going to drive yourself insane. You hold all the power. Use it.

Your WW is an ADDICT, not a rational person. Quit treating her as such, and help her end her addiction. That means COLD TURKEY. Sure, she's probably going to slip, but you can be there to bust her and stop her everytime she does.

I know you are right. I continue to behave irrationally but will get a grip and snap out of it. I have exposed to everyone on her side of the family and mine. I have cut off all access to OM on her cell phone and our house phone. However, she goes to her mom"s house every morning after the kids go to school. I guess she could be contacting OM from over there.. I can't keep her locked up over here..

I just got an email from my boss and he wants to know what's going on with my family and what my plans are. I am supposed to fly back to Mexico on Tuesday after Labor Day. The last thing I want to do is leave my family vulnerable in case this animal comes over here again. I don't know what to do.

Is there any way you can forgo the trip and take a little time off?

You talk to them and ask them very nicely not to allow her to contact OM from their house. Ask them if they will keep an eye on their bill for you. Enlist their help. Ask them if they can block OM's number.


That's a tought call. I don't know what to tell you. You are going to have to figure something out.

The risk to your health in all of this is huge. The risk to your kids is huge.

I think it�s time for drastic action. This situation isn�t going to resolve itself through normal means. I say throw her to the wolves and let her deal with him fulltime. It�s time for Plan B, my friend.

But I really think that there is so much risk to your life and your kids that this all my be grounds for a D. Seriously, how could you think of touching this woman again after knowing she�s been with a drug addict and there is a risk for AIDS?

Is it really worth risking your life?

I�m all for saving marriages, but not at risk of you dying.

My advice: Plan B and get a lawyer to file for sole physical and legal custody with full details of what has been happening. File a restraining order to protect your kids. You want this idiot around your 9 year old daughter?

Seriously, put your kids first and foremost right now.

Don�t fly back to the job. The risk to your kids is too great. You need to protect them from this man through legal means.

Your wife has lost all sense of sanity and has this idiotic idea that she can save and change him through her love. It�s idiotic fantasy and the circumstances of who the OM is changes all of the advice you would normally get.