Ok, I'll try to make long story short but I can't guarentee it. I've posted here last year, July - ?, underneath differemt alias, Broken Glass, Alice (?), I think - sorry can't remember. So I will try and retell what's happened and the current state of affairs. Cool enough?

So about us -
married 15; me mid 30's, him mid 40's
5 kids, all preteens or teens
husband chronic cheater

Last July I discovered that my husband had been cheating with prostitutes the last several years, his story. Since the the story has kept changing and from what I can best guess with what info I've been given or further lied to about, this has actually been going on the entire marriage. Not only with prostitutes, but single and married women as well and possibly men. But to be honest I have no clue as to what the whole truth is. Mainly because I keep catching him in lies. And no, I'm not sure he has stopped.

We briefly had counseling between October and December. At that point I couldn't keep paying to see the doc and didn't wish to, as I didn't think he was doing any good for me - at least. My m-i-l was supposed to be paying for WH's counseling, her suggestion. But after I stopped seeing the doc, she stopped paying for WH to see him. At that point it was January and WH claimed he had no problem and we didn't need to see a counselor. The so called marriage counselor we were seeing didn't think he could offer marriage counseling without extensive individual counseling first. Basically I called BS after December. I mean, do I really need to pay for sh*t, I have enough of it already for free!!

I bought the Harley's books and read through them. I tried, I really tried. But I can't see the point when the other party is non responsive and doesn't see that Houston we have a problem here.

Anyways today is our anniversary. He woke me up this morning by bouncing on the bed next to me hollering Happy Anniversary. After he left I noticed he had spelled it out on our refridgerator with big magnets. Personally it makes me sick. I just don't see how there is anything to celebrate. I can see now that going forward, years into the future, that for him it will be a day of celebration but for me it's not. It more like a day of ?, umm a day of death. I mean, what's there to celebrate? I mean, how can it be celebrated when one of us was never married to the other to begin with. That's how I feel. Ya sure we are on paper legally somewhere. But that's just paper. I don't really see us as married though or ever were married now that I know what he's done. Does that make sense? I don't know what to call this relationship. I just know that today I'm rather sad and he's f*ing HAPPY.

and I would rather or see it done to him

Didn't know where to post this, recovery or surviving?

I just needed to be heard. It'd be nice to have a shoulder to lean on, a sympathetic ear. And I don't know if I would get that here. But maybe you think it better to hit me with a couple , that's fine too.

This Side of Hell
Alice & the Broken Glass

I have this huge lot of resentment built up towards WH.

I also have a huge resentment built up towards the doc. He, doc, told WH and me that WH had to work through his mommy and daddy issues before we could work on marriage counseling. BS!

I can't talk to WH about what's happened, or what it has done to the marriage from my perspective, or to me. He gets all flippy and sais I'm trying to bring him down.

Basically has never truly apoligized .... And d*mned doc told him he didn't have to until he saw why he should. WTF!!

From what he tells me, we don't have a problem unless I do. And I do. When I tell him that, he sais get counseling. That it's all up to me to get the counseling. That he bears no responsibility in seeking and going.

Exposure was a joke. His mom was glad to hear we didn't have Aids but she said that I could live with it because medical technology has advanced the life of those that do have it. Everyone else has been like so what that's your problem. My moms like don't air your dirty laundry in public. It's not my dirty laundry!!!

Last Friday he didn't come home. So 3 hours later I drive to where he's supposed to be at and he's not there. I went home and he arrived shortly afterwards. I confronted him outside, calmy mind you, as to where he was. And he started yelling that he was at the gas station. I wanted to know how that was possible seeing he has no access to any money. He said a friend gave him $2. I called BS, that I have no reason to believe this. And I remind him of our agreement that he was to come straight home from work and call if he can't. Then he throws his lunch box by my head and hits the shed, screaming at me that I'm a f*ing B for not believing him. I remind him that he brought this all on himself and perhaps we should seek help.

Another case in point two months ago he made my life miserable hell by skulking around all weekend because I wasn't comfortable with him going to some friends house that I didn't even know he had.

I'm tired of this. I'm taking care of the finances, the kids, the house, etc. Trying to keep a good decent home life. I try to spend as much possible time as I can with him. Which he adores. But I can't tell you how much I just want to !!

He has aknowledged he was unfaithful but hasn't been totally honest about IT or apologized. I'm trying not to police him - he should be responsible for himself, his actions. I don't trust him. And I think that his lack of seeing us as a we, as in we have a problem has a lot to do with that.

I hate that his problem is me. That he sais I'm bringing him down or he'll go passive and say they are bringing me down. Who's they??!! What I get from him is I'm his problem.

........
ThisSideofHell
Alice & the Broken Glass

Alice:

What would happen in a divorce?

You can't change him, but what would happen is you extracted yourself from this marriage?

Are you utterly dependent on him and his income?

LG

Simple solution.

Divorce him, recover and grow individually, and then if you want, find someone in the future WAY different than WH to spend your life with. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to extract yourself from it. You'll be better off.

LG -
Yes, my 5 childern and I are utterly financially dependent on him.

Jim & LG -
Yes, divorce is an option. I havent ruled that out. It's just not something I will easily, readily (?) will go for.

The majority of his abuse is passive aggressive and I recognize it. He's a coward.

As for being utterly financially dependent on him I realize that's my fault. I was dumb for putting myself in this position. How naive!

I need to work on me in the current situation as is. And I say this because if I am to leave at any point I need to be in a better off position to do so. And if I don't, I need to be in a better off position period.

The only good thing that counselor did was give him an ultimatum to get health insurance for me. He did. Unfortunately I'm being told I have to wait 18 mo for my prexisting med. cond. Two things I recognize that I need are getting my physical self healthier, getting those medical conditions taken care of. And being able to see a new counselor to deal with this emotional upset. One I'm waiting the time limit and the other I'm having a hard time doing because I just don't trust, period, at all. The third thing would be to put myself in a better position financially should I choose to leave. This includes finding a job I physically could do and/or furthering my education for me to find one.

So is it FOG surrounding his brain or is he incapable of seeing that he's done any wrong?

I wish things were simple. Nothing ever is!

As for me, I'm thinking love isn't real and at best a farce. So I have no interest in seeking another marriage.

I just wish there currently was some SF in my life. This sucks! And don't go into the SF for women is all about emotions crap. I just want the physical act to be satisfying! So it's temtping to go find that but I'm incapable of stooping to his level.

This Side of Hell
Alice & the Broken Glass

Hi there thissideofhell,

I feel for you and I can just totally understand your frustration.
I think your husband has not fixed what is wrong with him, he is still trying to blame you for his short comings.....this is classic behavior........
You would think after everything he has put the marriage through, he wouldn't be acting the way he is, if he had a better attitude and showed you he was willing to work on himself and make you feel more safe in the marriage I think you would be feeling better by now........
You cannot live in a world of resentment and you cannot build anything good out of this relationship..........
I would ask him to move out and you should move on with your life in the best way possible for you, you can no longer take on taking care of him, this is his job........if he won't do the the work, this should show you his level of commitment......to you and your family......
You can't do this anymore, be strong for you, don't worry about him......he needs to hit bottom and reflect his actions and his choices.......
He needs to learn how to respect you and if he can't you need to let go and find a life full of happiness instead of resentment..........
You have tried........don't beat yourself up, make a choice for you........you are worth it......

If you want your life to change the only way is to divorce him and leave, you will be able to get financial help from him after the divorce, so I hate it when I hear people say....


I am sorry but you do not need this man in your life.

File for a divorce now, and start protecting you and your children.

He is hopeless.

If you think you can't divorce him then I am sorry, that is your choice you are making for your own misery with this toxic man in your life.

So you can either....

Stay with him and get the "financial" support you think you need from him, live like this the rest of your life....

OF

Divorce him, and STILL get the financial support and live a happy life with someone else.

Your choice.

I found your other thread HERE


Seems like you were given advice back then. What's changed?

You first came here a year ago. I think you're past the easily, readily part. Besides, if he's going to change, it's probably going to take losing you to get him to do it (although I doubt he'll actually change, he may just tell you he's going to).

Do not wait any longer. Either get the change you need or get out of it.

My story is the same only longer. I would not be doing this if I had not seen a true breakdown of GM's (my FWH) entire character and remorse that is bad enough that it hurts me to see it.

This is a long, very difficult road. I would never recommend it to anyone who does not see those changes. You have known about this long enough, if he has not seen the hurt he has caused and the horrible situation he has left you and your children in by now you need to up the ante. If that does not cause an honest change in him and he does not meet your HIGH expectations before letting him back in give yourself a chance at happiness, it will not be with him. Do not let this man make more of your life a lie. Also you should get your children some help at an appropriate age so they learn to have a good relationship for themselves. We are having to deal with helping our grown sons learn why their lives were the way they were and how they can avoid this themselves.

I am sorry, this is a hit and run post. I may have a chance to get back and see what I missed later, I have not even checked my own thread lately.

Quick recommend from me.....

Get him in the program. Ditch the councilor, not going to help you. Try Steve. No matter what sacrifice you have to make find the money for at least one session with him. Let him know that he has X amount of time to become invested in this program and working with you on the M or he is history. You can't change him (thanks to those on my thread who finally convinced me I could not force these changes I need)but you can change you.

I am sorry if this is not helpful but I will try to get back this afternoon and see how you are doing. (((hugs)))

EDIT to add: Do this with the MB program. You both need it and it is the only effective way I know to with success. There is so much more but I have to go. Do NOT sell yourself and your children out here. You and they deserve so much more. His behavior screams to me, been there and sometimes I am still there. Pull up your big girl panties now and decide if you want to do the work. If not get rid of him. Sorry if this sounds really harsh, I just know how this feels and how hard it is to work.

Alice:

I asked about dependence because you don't have to stay there.

I asked about divorce, becasue you need to know what will happen if you have to go that route.

I would make an appointment with up to three different attorneys to ask them what might happen if you were to divorce, and what your financial sitch might be afterward.

I wouldn't get a job until after you have left this Marriage. I would persue training and/or classes to improve your skills however.

Dances had some very good advice. Her story is telling. You can read it from her beginnings here to where she is now. Hers is one of hope, and MB success. Greenmile BROKE, and changed much about himself. YOu need the same type of catharsis from your WH. And if you don't, you are better off without him, so that you can chart a future that makes sense for you.

Sorry you have to be here. You have a hard struggle ahead of you, whichever way you decide to go.

LG