Last night my H and I sat down and each drew a time-line of the last 2 years. It started with one of the biggest ositives in our lives: I gave my H a 50th BD party cruise to Bahamas and invited 20 people (family and friends) and we payed their way to go to help him celebrate in a most special way. My idea!!!<P>Anywa, the time line took us to the present - with my H having an affair the last 8 months.<P>To be honest, and this is not in my profile, 3 weeks after the cruise, my Dad had a major stroke - paralysis, needing 24/7 care, etc., and I had a 3 month emotional affair with someone at work.That was the beginning of 2 years of crises in our lives, including H's sibling death(totally unexpected, other friend and family member deaths and major job insecurities for the pair of us. <P>The most interesting things about writing the individual time lines:<P>1) Perceptions and MISPERCEPTIONS - my H and I didn't always see or read the same meaning at all in the events, even though we both experienced all the crises. I was amazed (and even hurt) at how he interpreted some of my reactions - I didn't care about him or love him. Likewise, he was amazed at mine - so different from what he was thinking.<P>2) How long it took for him to "kill" and "insulate" himself from the hurt I origianlly caused him - 1 1/2 years. we both agree this made him vulnerable to the current affair. I think had the EA because I was angry at H for lack of emotional and phsyical support to help care for my Dad after the stroke (NOT an excuse, just looking back to see why and how this happened that I developed feelings for someone else).<P>3) My EA went like this: almost 3 months long, another 3 months to get over it and "kill" the feelings for the OM and ANOTHER 3 months to rebuild my love for H to original level.<P>This was a REAL EYEOPENER for us. We then reviewed his timeline. You know, the most interesting thing I learned was this:<P>1) H has the abiility to CHOOSE to rebuild love for me, because he originally CHOOSE to kill his love for me out of hurt over my EA. Likewise, I CHOOSE to kill off love for my H when I had my EA, because I was hurt that he did not support me when Dad had stroke right after his BD cruise. But, then I had to CHOOSE to kill off the feelings for OM, because in my heart I knew I really loved my H, but was still mad and disappointed in how he was treating me. (I justified my EA actions by telling myself H didn't care about all I was going through and OM was really sympathetic to my feelings).<P>2) So, I told H, he can CHOOSE to have love for me again. To do so, it will probably take the same time allotments: 8 months to kill off love for OW and then another 8 months to rebuild love for me. (This is where H and my unrealistic expectations were revealed, because neither of us were thinking it might take that long, if it were to go that way!) The point is, he can CHOOSE to kill off that love for her and CHOOSE to rebuild love for me - it is all up to him. <P>He did not respond to this. All he has been telling me is he has these feelings for OW. I guess I feel that he can CHOOSE to continue growing those feelings or CHOOSE to rebuild feelings for me, and it is all a matter of choice. If he consciously killed off his feelings for me why can't he also consciously kill off his feelings for her??<P>Am I crazy or what!?!? <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/icons/icon12.gif" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/icons/icon12.gif</A> <P>Roll Me Away

Roll Me Away, <P>I like this idea. It seems you both had some interesting self revalations. I doubt my wife would be interested in doing this right now. But, it seems you and your H had a good conversation as a result.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If he consciously killed off his feelings for me why can't he also consciously kill off his feelings for her??<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think you answered your own question. It is his CHOICE. And he is choosing to hurt you right now.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Am I crazy or what!?!?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No, you're not crazy - just a loving wife who is trying to hold your marriage together. Be proud of that.<P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 26, 1999).]

Roll me Away:<BR>Perhaps you should view this situation more personally and less like a corporate plan. Don't try to figure out each and every step that went wrong along your journey. The fact is that the trip you both took the past two years was a disaster. You talk about choices as if you guys were in a supermarket looking for cereal or something. You have both had affairs and I doubt whether either one of you thought you had any choice but to do what you did. Had you really "thought" about it and the consequences you would have "chosen" differently. Now is when you have to make a choice and the choice isn't whether to kill or build love. If it is, you're already lost. The choice is to decide if there is enough love there to want you to continue. If you really love someone you can't kill it. You can choose to stay away but you can't choose "not" to love. By the same token you can't build it up either. You can allow yourself to get close again and to take the risk of getting hurt all over again. If you really love one another it will make it easier to get close and easier to want to take the risks. Love is love, you either have it or you don't. The question is only whether or not you feel that the love you have is worth saving and sharing. If it is, then go for it. Tell him how you feel. Promise, on a stack of bibles if necessary, that you will remain faithful to him in the future and work towards meeting each others needs once again. Be as honest as you can be, without being hurtful, and just keep loving each other, even if it hurts.<P>Good luck<P>Flip