HopeE:

YOU SHOULD GO TO THE GAME.

YOU have done NOTHING wrong.

Sit where you want. Talk to who you want to to. Be strong and confident.

HE is the one who is going to slink around. He is the one that will sit on the wrong side of the field....

YOU will find support there, HE will find shame.

LG

The first day of this cleanse was miserable. I felt tired all day to the point of wanting to take a nap. Then in the evening...I was barely able to force down any meat or salad. Ughhh I hope I make these 7 days. I did feel faint and like throwing up at one point last night. I'm not sure if from diet or something else.

I woke up feeling a little better.

If I understand correctly you are going thru a week long cleanse.
A cleanse should be done under the supervision of a doctor or a dietitian and it should not be done casually.
What kind of cleanse are you using? What are the details?
blessing

LG, HopeE is in Plan B. I don't see how she should be going to all of the games and seeing her WH. Dark Plan B is what she is trying to achieve, and telling her to go to the games and sit where she wants goes against DrH's Plan B advice.

You are absolutely correct that her WH is the one that should be slinking around because he is the one that has done wrong. When one is in Plan B, they try to avoid ALL contact with the WS. This includes NOT going places where the WS might be. ANY contact with a WS, even accidental or incidental is BAD BAD BAD NEWS for the BS. All I am trying to do is make certain that HopeE doesn't fall into a trap and she maintains total and complete darkness for her own healing.

HopeE, I know that you don't want to make the sacrifices, but you need to adjust what you do so you won't have continued contact, even indirectly with your WH. There are many people here who do a plan B where they continue to work with their WS and it harms them. You need to have COMPLETE darkness to ensure the healing will continue.

(((((HopeE)))))

Scotty:

Understand something. I am NOT asking HopeE to break her Plan B.

I would expect her to AVOID her WH during the games.

She doesn't have to talk to him. She doesn't have to even acknowledge his existence. Will it cause her pain to see her WH? Yes, it may. But she should not lead a life of hiding.

Mimi had to very athletic sons, and went to thier athletic performances, and WH would be there.

The goal of Plan B is to remove yourself from the harmful person. Not to remove yourself from your own life. And to miss out on what is important to you, because WH may be there. Should HopeE go get pizza afterward with WH and the team? NO. She should keep her distance, and avoid anything direct with her WH.

HE is the one that is going to be affected. Seeing HopeE, in GODDESS mode, smiling, and in control, and GETTING ON with her life, without WH. HE may want to create a scene. So be it. She holds the upper hand....

LG

Even SEEING or being SEEN by your WS is a break of Plan B. At least that's what all of the people on my thread have told me. It's also what I have understood from DrH's writings. If there is some other writings by DrH that I have missed, where he says that incidental contact is okay, I would love to learn about it. I know that there is advice to BS's about what to do if you happen upon your WS.

The "contact" with her WH WILL affect her. I am telling you this as someone who has had 4 sightings in 9 months. I am in a pretty dark plan B myself. Bringing up Mimi(Whose thread I read and who I ADORE without actually "knowing" her) and her Plan B isn't evidence for this argument. Mimi broke Plan B a few times herself. I can't speak for her.

I worry that HopeE would become "okay" with the initial contact. I KNOW what happens. You feel GOOD. You want to see that person AGAIN. When I did my first olive branch, I couldn't wait to do the next one(2 months later). I had it planned out far in advance. It was only for a very brief moment. It affected me for WEEKS. THAT is what I am hoping to spare HopeE from. BTDT.

Now, I am NOT suggesting that HopeE hide herself away, just to be super vigilant and not fall down that slippery slope. Plan B isn't an easy thing for a BS to get into but it is super easy to fall out of. Protecting HopeE is what I am thinking about.

Sorry to talk about you as if you aren't even here HopeE. (((((HopeE))))))

Dr. H does mention the possibility of running into WS during plan B and acting indifferent or keeping the conversation to the bare minimum and sticking to the facts (something along those lines)...I think it is in Surviving an A.

I have to agree with LousyGolfer about:

Th
And also about:


the WS has to see the BS moving on and in a positive light.
He has to see what he is missing. He has to look but know he cannot touch or have her....He has to sink into the idea that he can no longer control her and have her in his life.

Those sporadic encounters at games are ways to remind the WS about what they are missing...otherwise...far from the eye becomes far from the heart.

But the MAIN thing is: How does HopeE feel after those encounters....do they throw her off for days at a time...if so, then she should avoid them.
Blessing

What happens when a couple has no children or grown children? How would you advise the BS to have "some contact" with the WS. Because let's be real, that's what this advice comes down to. I am NOT going to advise differently than NO CONTACT with the WS. Are there possibilities that a WS and BS could "run in to" each other at the store? Sure. But if you KNOW that a WS always shops at a certain place, then you find a different store.

I KNOW what it feels like to get a "fix" from seeing your WH and wanting more and I know how dangerous it can be. This IS HopeE's decision, as is any decision she makes about her life, I just want to make sure that she has all of the sides of the sitch first to make an informed decision.

I appreciate everyone's response and Scotty I am so thankful for your advice....you keep me grounded and in reality.

I'm still not sure what I will be doing...praying seriously about it. One thing for sure....if I do go to this first game, I will not attend all games during his weekends. My brother is definitely coming with his two children and I've asked him to help with this if I go.

I must say that I've worried about SEEING him and how it may affect me.....I can feel my heart stir with the idea, so therein is my trepidation. I can promise everyone this....I won't jump without thinking. And to be honest....WH has been telling children that HE wants to be careful not to see me!!! For example, when I took DD14 to his house after ballgame...(she stayed an extra day with me so she could go to football game) WH kept having DS11 call me because he want to make sure he wasn't outside when I came. Well, that just helped me all the more...I didn't have to worry about seeing him either.

I don't think he'll approach me at all. I think he's a little different from some WH on here in that....he really hates me. He doesn't want to speak or see me either.

Atena,

The cleanse is under a diatician's care. It's for 7 days and we can have all the beef, green raw veggies, and water that we want. We're allowed 3 regualar eggs, 1 whole grapefruit, and 2 cups of coffee of needed. I do feel much better today though...not as tired. The cleanse is only for 7 days and then we start our nutritional program.....I'm hoping to hear more today. We have a waiver day at school today and they are allowing us 2 hours to work with our diatician. It's safe and they weigh us, offer classes and even go grocery shopping with us to help with reading labels. It's an 8 week program...I'm hopeful for more weight loss.

Well off to school

I had another thought while I was re-reading the posts above. When in Plan B, the BS is supposed to "forget" about the WS. How is the advice, "Go and let him see you be a goddess and moving on with life," in line with that? The WS is supposed to be the last reason that the BS does ANYTHING. There is supposed to be NO thought into how the BSs actions would or wouldn't effect the WS. That would be more in line with the best Plan B one could do.

Thanks Scotty

I know how it affected me when I met with him back in July....(false recovery plan date) I was layed out for another week. I don't want that. I won't go to practice tonight or the pep-rally....even though I want to.

I will weigh things carefully! I hate that I'm even considering breaking plan B for something....I just hate missing their first game. I wish they were at home for the first one, but this is how everything fell.

You are right Scotty....I know that with all my heart. I'm listening...I promise. I know what I'm contemplating is wrong....I don't want to feel bad after seeing him or "want" to see him more. I can clearly see how the "fix" could happen.

I'm praying for a solution....a way to see and not be seen.

Okay, I would say that watching the first games with your brother would be okay with me, if that is your decision(gotta be, it's YOUR life afterall ). I was thinking that if you were worried about missing some of the other games, would you be able to get someone else to tape them for you? That way you could watch it later with the kiddos. Also, I KNOW that my DS, who wasn't the greatest at ball hockey, LOVED it when I would listen to his recount of the game because he would get super excited by the high points and not dwell on the low points.

HopeE, just as Pep said to me, I am worried about your tender heart. I know you are strong but this really does affect you.

As far as what WS says, first, you really shouldn't know, second, did you forget that WAYTURDS LIE LIE LIE? Your WS is run of the mill, although he would like to THINK that he wasn't. Re-focus, and you will get stronger every day.

SCotty:

No BS in Plan B should be TRYING to be seen, or SEE the WS.

That is part of Plan B.

But to NOT do the things in life that are important to YOU, and your children, because the WS *MIGHT* be there doesn't make sense either.

HopeE may run into WS in the supermarket. Not under her control. And bad for Plan B. But what happens when you DO? You leave that aisle of the store and checkout. That is all you can do. Can WS follow you around? Sure. But all you can do is WALK OUT.

Same with the game this weekend. WS may be there. Probably will be. HopeE is going to be there with her brother. HE can run interference for her.

HopeE is doing what is important for her children, and HER to be there. She may see WH, but she can look away. I am not saying that her pain at this may be small, it can be huge.

However, what WH should SEE, when HE looks at HopeE is Goddess HopeE. Not the old HopeE.

And HopeE is NOT doing ANY of this to get a reaction from WS. She is in Plan B to protect her self. She is losing weight, and getting new clothes, and learning more about how to be a stronger, more confident woman on MB. She isn't doing ANY of this for WS. She is doing it for herself. And it is going to piss off the WS to see what kind of woman that HopeE is becoming.

LG

HopeE's WH IS going to be there. It is HIS weekend with the children and there is no question that he WILL be. Every other weekend, WH will take the boys to their games. It is FACT. It isn't a question of IF anymore. That is why I was trying to find out what the plan was going to be. I know that it was thrown out there before that WH wouldn't even get a schedule of times, etc. Can't be done because on his weekends, they need to go to games. It just happens that the opening games fall on WHs weekend. I was trying to give HopeE options to avoid contact. That is all. The decision is 100% totally hers and hers alone and I will support whatever her decision is.

After, I will support the feelings that may come out. I will help get you through, HopeE.

There is no question that you will look like a goddess this weekend, but you will do so because YOU ARE. You are amazing and you need to know that. Watch those children play and KNOW that it is because of YOU.

Just an update on my football weekend....I did end up going to pep-rally last night as my boys' teams were getting introduced, cheerleaders, etc. Also, DS7 left his pads outside on the driveway, so I needed to go deliver that. I'm proud to say that I never saw WH or had a discussion. I gave the pads to DD14, listened to the cheerleaders and then left....I was there a total of 15 min.

It's weird how nervous I was at the thought of seeing him....of course the game will be a different scenario all together. There will not be as many people and I will most definitely see him. I'm ready I think.

My brother is here with his three children....it's been a great visit so far. He has such a better handle on his children....they are so well-behaved.

Well, I'll be back with an update later. Thanks for all the advice and help.

Breathe. Relax. You are a goddess and we'll get you through after.

Ok.....game 1 down for ds7 and one more for ds10. Everything went fine......saw wh but no talking. I was fine after.....maybe a little twinge of missing him, but mostly focused on game.

Hang tight. You can do this.

Ok, I'm done and both boys won their games...yeah!!!! They also were both played throughout most of the game....I was very excited for them.

The 2nd game with WH was more visible. The layout of the field and where the parents sat was more intimate than the other field...plus the first game was more crowded. WH mostly stayed on the other side of bleachers, but he did follow DS10 down the field off and on. I tried not to look at him, but it was hard not to see. I was pretty much fine throughout the game, but when I got home, I bawled while in the shower. I didn't want my brother to see me crying like a baby.

Will I ever be able to look at him and not cry? I still pray for recovery and I always pray for a miracle. It's interesting how many women tell me that they would never give a second chance. I guess I can understand that, but for me, with 20 years and 4 children....there's so much invested that it seems worth it to me to get it repaired.

I got a counseling session for DD14 at our local seminary. I'm hoping these sessions will help her....I want her to get through this.

I'm thankful to everyone for getting me through this weekend. It wasn't easy, but I made it and I'm so glad that I didn't miss it.

I can't believe how tired I am....so sleepy.