I read Pepperband's thread.

I've read HNHN, I've read a lot of articles.

Why isn't it possible for me to just stop the affair and not tell my BH? If I can stop it on my own and he never has to know. Wouldn't that just cause him more pain than he needs? I know, he needs to be the one that makes that choice, but why?

Lady Isis

You read Pepperband's thread and HNHN and you ask this? Go back and read them slowly and consider them and then come back.

Let me turn that question back to you: Why do you feel you have the right to determine his marital reality? Right now, he is laboring under incorrect, damaging illusions that all is right in his world. Do you really disrespect him so much and think so little of him that you would presume to masquerade as something you are not? Saying you don't want to hurt him isn't going to wash - if you didn't want to hurt him you would never have had an affair.

Your question is selfish and self-serving, ladyisis. You feel that, if you play him just a little bit more, you can contain this horrible fact of his life and keep yourself off the hot seat. It won't work. You might be able to contain this for awhile. Then someone who knows will decide to do the right thing and tell your H. Don't you want to be the one with the control over that?

For the rest of your life you'll be walking around with an ax over your head, and so will your BH. You may think that your little secret will never come back to haunt you, but you would be wrong. You aren't the only one with this secret. OM has it, too. You can't control his actions - what if he decides one day to confess? Do you really want to go through life like that?

If you've read as much as you say you have, you already know the answer. You can't live a life built on a lie.

And do you think your H is totally clueless? He may not have knowledge of your affair, but he DOES have knowledge that something isn't right, something is different. You may be distracted, disinterested in him...the possible list of clues that something's amiss is a long one.

And that's the short answer. I'm not going to hammer you right now, because I know it took courage for you to post. Others will take you to task, I warn you now. It's going to get pretty hot on this thread. We don't take it lightly when WS's come on here and try to manipulate us into agreeing that they shouldn't come clean to their poor spouse. Just so you know, I've been on this site for awhile, and NOT ONCE have I seen someone advise a poster to NOT tell their spouse. NOT ONCE.

If you can stand the heat, stick around and you'll get a real education. Weekends are quiet since most of us are tending to undivided time with our spouse and families. I'm on while we're taking a break from helping DS rearrange his room, so you get me for now.

More will be along soon. In the meantime, why don't you give us your background. How long married? How long in the affair? Ages, children, who the OM is, whether or not he is married. Give us your bio so we have a sense of what's happened and where you're coming from.

Imagine his pain when (not if) he finds out that you had an affair and he never knew. He will wonder if all the time between the A ending and when he found out was a lie.


Because this is his M too. You will never have a real M when the cancer of this A is lurking in your part of the partnership.

You are pretending to "protect" him when it's really YOU that you want to "protect". If you want any chance of having personal integrity and personal healing, you have to own up to the ugly truth of what you have done to your BH and your M.

ladyisis,
Welcome to MB. Glad you have decided to put an end to your suffering (and I do understand that you are suffering).

To address your question:

You assume that if you don't tell him, your BH will never know that you are/have had an affair.

You assume that the choice for him to find out or not is yours and that you control the outcome of this.

In virtually all cases, the BS has the sickening gut feeling that something is terribly wrong - and they start looking.

What will you do if your BH finds out on his own, as he probably will?

What will you say to him then? "Uh . . . I thought about telling you, but that would have been uncomfortable for me so I thought I'd just lie to you about it for the rest of my life."

Not to be too dramatic about it, but are you aware that some BS actually commit suicide on being hit by their partner's cheating - and by the fact that they've been deliberately lied to and kept in the dark like a mushroom for years?

Is your discomfort and embarassment really worth letting your BH suffer the worst pain he's ever likely to feel in his life? If you are at least honest with him, you can be there to help him (or get him help) and watch him like a hawk while he tries to deal with this. And your honesty would go a long way towards earning you back some of his trust.

*The Bridges of Madison County* has done a lot of damage when it comes to cheating. I'd like to see the sequel, where this woman's husband and children find out what she really does while they're off at the fair.

Again: Do not assume that if you don't tell him, then gosh, he'll never have a clue! It just doesn't work that way.

P.S. You do not have the right to make decisions regarding the most personal aspects of someone else's life. Do you want such choices made for you? Your BH has the right to know the truth about his marriage and his life. Neither you nor anyone else has any right to keep him in the dark about such things because his life is HIS life, not yours.

As someone above said: We know very well that you are not trying to "protect" him. You are trying to protect YOU.

Your BH needs honesty and respect from you. He does not need or want or deserve lifelong lies, and you sure can't build a marriage on a lie (especially one as big as this.)

HiYa !


It's "possible". I'm sure it happens all the time.
It's also possible to be a liar the remainder of your life.
Would that be good for your self-respect? Being a life-long liar?
ASK FaithfulFollower (a regular poster) what happened when she stopped her A and did not tell her husband.



If you can stop your adultery on your own ....
Why haven't you?


And, you'll be his wife who lies to him.
That is NOT recovery.
That is living a lie.
True intimacy will be impossible with such a big secret in your closet.




Because you love and respect him.
Because you love and respect yourself.
Because you want to restore intimacy in your marriage.

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

As someone who let myself get into an affair, indulge me for a minute while I point out some reasons why this doesn't work. (And this is not mere theory. Unfortunately, I have lived it myself.)

1) If your willpower was that good, you wouldn't be in an affair.

2) With no one but you & your other man knowing, you not only share a confidence with an outsider to your marriage that is directly relevant to your marriage, but you have NO outside eyes or accountability acting upon you to prevent a resumption of the affair. Coming clean will get you to a place where you'll have that accountability.

3) The reason you got into an affair was that your boundaries allowed it; but the reason that you were vulnerable to getting into an affair is that you felt that there were needs not being met in your marriage. Your marriage can improve if you & your husband start communicating honestly with one another about your most important needs, so that you have a chance to meet them for one another. But how are you going to communicate honestly if you start out with the condition that you'll maintain a coverup? Beyond this, for most people, one of their top needs actually is honesty.

4) Telling the truth about your conduct isn't what causes the pain. It's your conduct that will cause the pain.

5) People who get into affairs are almost universally unaware of the addictive aspect of affairs. It's infatuation, and it has literally the same brain-chemistry impact as crack cocaine. Does a number on your willpower. Trust me.

I thought I could keep it a secret, too. I thought I could "have my cake & eat it too." I thought, "No one needs to know; no one needs to get hurt." My other woman & I talked about ending it "on our own terms, someday." Of course, "someday" always slipped until later. And one day, before "later" came, her husband, who'd gotten suspicious of her crummy alibis & strange conduct, hired a private investigator, who busted her. And that wasn't a scenario that I'd game-planned.

At least I was able to tell my wife myself. No, it wasn't a happy time. It totally sucked. For weeks & months. 20 months later, the knowledge of what I'd done & what I'd become STILL sucks & always will. But we've saved our marriage now. It is better than ever. We give each other what we need, and we communicate to be sure that we stay in-tune & on the same page with one another. The longer your lie goes on, the tougher your road back will be.

I wish I knew how to quote more than one person at a time. I've been lurking and reading here on and off for years. I know what I'm supposed to do, I've just not chosen to do it yet.

I am being selfish, wanting to protect myself. If I weren't selfish, I wouldn't have had an A to begin with.

I don't know if BH knows something is wrong or not. He is very distant and hardly ever home. When he is home he finds reasons to leave all the time. I have talked to him about it over and over, how we need to work on meeting each others needs. He hasn't and instead of going to counselling or leaving or doing something constructive, I've used it to justify to myself why I'm okay having an affair to get my needs met. I know in my heart it's not an excuse, no matter what he does, having an affair doesn't make things better, only worse. So how can I know all this and do it anyway???

As for our history, we have been married for almost 15 years, together for 16. We have 3 kids together. Our marriage started out in a bad way I guess, we lived together first, and I was engaged to another man when we started dating.

And yes, IF I can stop the affair. Sometimes the fog lifts and I see how horrible what I'm doing is, and then I get sucked back in. I let myself get sucked back in. I'm in control of my choices, I don't know why I make such bad ones.

Lady Isis

Here's a big reason why you need to tell him. He appears to have emotionally checked out of your M. The problem is that you're putting the cart before the horse. He can't wrap his mind around fixing a marriage if he doesn't know how badly it's broken.

Fess up, then rebuild. Not the other way around.

What do you REALLY want from us?

Thats ridiculous and hypocritical given that it is you who has emotionally checked out of the marriage. You aren't meeting his needs when you are putting out for free with some loser.

You know how to get out of this and that is to tell your husband the truth. He will help you end contact.


How? I will tell you how. The reason is that you have made a decision NOT to do it. Its real simple. If you decide to not do something..........it doesn't get done.

All you have to do is make a decision to tell your husband. That is how you change from a lying cheater to a woman who wants her integrity and decency back. The power is all in your hands.

Is this loser you're shagging married? Are there 2 marriages y'all are assaulting? Or just one?

From Dr. H:





????????????

All Blessings,
Jerry

Wow. ladyisis, I have nothing to contribute that hasn't already been said, (and very well-put, at that). You are getting EXCELLENT advice, and you are getting this with careful thought and consideration from those who have lived through infidelity.

Please, read the responses carefully. And even if it doesn't feel like it, let me say: the truth will set you free. It's your first genuine step towards hopefully building a marriage of care, protection, and genuine love.



PS - And no 2x4s! Congratulations, you might be a record - a WS already on page 2 of their thread w/ no 2x4s!

When you assume you are only making an A$$ out of U and ME.

P.S I feel bad for your husband, living a lie ***edit***

I told you that you were going to get some heat, ladyisis. (notice that I haven't shorthanded your name to 'lady' because you, madam, are no lady). Answer the questions, please.

I'm hoping the delurking is a step out of the fog. Maybe she'll keep posting, and maybe she'll continue stepping out of the fog.

I agree that she is not present in her marriage...but, ladyisis, you have all the tools here w/ MB to start getting your life back from your infidelity.