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Joined: Aug 2010
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OP
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
Has anyone experienced this? Ever since I found out my husband had an affair I feel like crap!I compare myself to his affair partner and everyone else now. When I look in the mirror I don't like what I see. I also have a weight issue that I've always struggled with but I have always thought I was attractive. If you can relate, how did you deal with this issue?
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 89
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Going through this too...
I feel awful. I don't feel pretty or attractive, smart or funny....I just feel like a sloppy second choice. I never had a self esteem issue before but this has been a pretty big blow. The OW is super fit (like Olympic athlete fit), with long blond hair - and she is highly educated (phD) and she's pretty witty (I got to read her emails and she always had something funny to say). The only thing I have that she doesn't is integrity-- and that isn't something my foggy WH seems to notice these days.
So even though I am in pretty decent shape- size 4- It doesn't matter cause I feel lousy.
Wish I had advice but I'm working on it too!
Me:BW 34yo
FWH: 36yo
Married:11 years
Together:16 years (dated through college years)
3 Children: 8, 7, 2
EA 10/2009 PA began 12/09 lasted until 4/10
EA Discovery 1/10 & PA Discovery 4/10
What I thought was "no-contact" in 1/10 was a FR
Last known contact June 2010
Believe we are finally in firm no-contact and working on recovering.
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 104
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I felt the same way after finding out about my FWH's EA. And getting e-mails from the OW telling me what an old ugly hag I was didn't help.
One thing that has helped me is getting a make-over. New hair color and cut. I am a SAHM so I didn't wear make-up much. Now I make myself get up and put opn my make-up, fix my hair and get dressed.
I keep remembering something my favorite Aunt use to say. I look at myself in the mirror after I have "fotten fixed up" and say "I am part of the pretty people." Believe it or not it helps.
I once read the book "What to Say When You Talk to Yourself" (can't remember who wrote it). It talks about how what you say to and about yourself has an impact on you.
I know it isn't much but hope this helps.
BS - 45 - Me
FWH - 42
DS 19 mine from previous marriage
DD 17 Mine from previous marriage
A - Aug - Nov 09
DD1 - Nov 20 09
DD2 - APR 30 10
NC - APR 10
In Recovery
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Chiming in to say that I can relate. I have stopped comparing myself to OW and whenever I feel that I am going there I just remind myself of the good qualities I have. It's truly a battle of the mind. I do find that the more I feel cared for by FWH the less I compare myself or think negatively about myself.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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Joined: Aug 2010
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OP
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 17 |
Thank you all for replying to my post. I guess this is just a process I'm going to have to go through. I really have to start taking care of myself,I haven't got started on that yet bc I feel like I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I probably am depressed but I know I have to take action or it will just get worse. My husband is doing everything possible for our recovery but I'm still treading behind. Gotta get moving.
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Joined: Feb 2010
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I think we all do the comparing thing to a degree, I'm guilty myself....
But I always think to myself what the OW didn't take into account was ME, she forgot all about the power I had being married to my husband all these years....having a history with him, being the mother of his children, the woman he ask to marry........we forget the reasons they chose us in the first place......
If they were so much better, why aren't our spouses with them.....??????
They picked the better choice and that is all there is to it, so ladies don't waste another minute on the one that ended in 2nd place........
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Joined: Sep 2010
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I'm a lurker just coming onto the boards and your thread struck a chord with me.
I do am battling my now-low self exteem and lack of confidence. I feel second rate and just overall yucky. I too have a weight issue and am struggling with that as well especially since his issue was porn. There are times he fails to follow through on a promise and my thoughts are "he had time to look at porn, but doesn't have time to do stuff as promised."
This really sucks. I too will take any suggestions the vets have.
ME 48
H 53
M - 1 Year, my 2nd, his 3rd
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I definitely suggest:
1. New clothes
2. New hairstyle/color
3. Get "made up" everday
4. Be active (helps with depression too!)
5. Get a new hobby
6. Get out with your girlfriends
And like Jessi said, he chose YOU over the OP. So regardless of how you 'think' you compare, your husband wants what you have to offer. Focus on changes that make YOU feel good about YOURSELF. Confidence is the most attractive trait a person can have.
aBetterMe
Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)
MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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Has anyone experienced this? Ever since I found out my husband had an affair I feel like crap!I compare myself to his affair partner and everyone else now. When I look in the mirror I don't like what I see. I also have a weight issue that I've always struggled with but I have always thought I was attractive. If you can relate, how did you deal with this issue? I think all BS's self esteem/confidence takes an initial hit following Dday. If you don't like what you see in yourself, physical or otherwise, then work on changing it but be realistic...no one is perfect. A BS could be "perfect" and that will not stop a WS from cheating if they want to cheat. It will get better. 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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