When I was in the throes of depression and pain three years ago after learning about my husband's betrayal with his co-worker, I lost my job. Then I lost the one I got shortly thereafter because my STBX made it impossible for me maintain a normal work schedule by constantly changing his visitation at the last minute. This wasn�t his intention � when I make less money, he has to pay more � but it was nevertheless the result.

Then, I decided to start a business, working from home. My STBX suggested that I approach his employer as a client. I resisted, but they knew of my accomplishments in my field before my life began to crumble, and pursued me themselves. I finally decided to contract with them. They actually became my best customers.

I worked with STBX on some projects occasionally, but over the phone. There was absolutely no tension. We broke up over his midlife crisis affair � not because we couldn�t get along. Strangely, we like each other as people. His adulterous lifestyle, however, is incompatible with marriage. He has a baby with his co-worker now and they have been living together for two years with her two kids and, when he has custody, our daughter. He�s moved on fully, and has become like some kind of makeshift brother to me for whom I feel sorry. I hope to fall in love again with a man who will treat me with respect. And, you know, not cheat on me.

But we�re not divorced. After 20 years of being together, it�s just hard for either of us to sign those final papers. He filed in July 2008. Sometimes he�s dragging, then will take a step, and then it�s me doing the pushing, then dropping off. Our lawyers have become frustrated with the both of us.

Well anyways, I practically became an employee of his company, and was invited to meetings every once in a while to accomplish my work. I never had to attend one meeting with OW. She made sure of it, by asking her boss that I not be allowed to come to one she was having. This made my job slightly harder, but really, I didn�t want to see her face either.

And then, the company decided to make my contract position into an employee position, working in the office. STBX, his boss and his coworkers were anxious to have me on board, and pushed me to apply. In fact, he said that OW is the only person there who doesn�t like me. Some of his coworkers have told me they can�t stand OW, or what STBX and she did to our marriage. They like me, because when we were happily married, I would volunteer to do work for his organization. I have a history with them, and they finally want to make me part of the �family.�

I interviewed, then declined their offer. Another position opened up, and they began to push again. I resisted until they finally made me an offer I felt I could not refuse�and took the position. I will be in the office daily. I will no doubt run into OW sometimes while walking down the halls, and we will have to be in a meeting together at least once a month. Though they are in a different building, I am dreading how she will no doubt hang on to STBX�s arm whenever they see me, and try to talk about their daily lives in my presence � as she did one day when she showed up at our daughter�s sports practice. If I ever see them holding hands � as much as I shiver when he barely touches mine when I�m handing him a light bulb � I think I�m going to throw up on the spot.

Because, while I can no longer fathom the thought of waking up to his face, making plans for the future, or ever trusting him again�for two decades he was the love of my life. And for 10 years, she flirted with him right in my face, while he assured me she wasn�t his type. I tried to insist he never go to lunch with her, while he insisted upon his �rights� and that I was crazy jealous. I tried to fight. And I lost. It�s not like she won a prize, but I am the one who is putting the pieces of my life back together in a two-bedroom apartment, barely scraping by, while she moved up from a tiny house with her low-income husband to live in a fabulous (albeit rented) home with my STBX and take expensive vacations with his wealthy family. Oh, the stories her ex-husband has told me about her greediness during their marriage, and how she only became interested in STBX when she saw that he was buying a big new home with me. Funny, but I never really wanted that home. Now she's spent all his share of the equity of it.

Speaking of sharing, I try not to think about the fact that I have to share my daughter, whose family OW destroyed, with her half the time. I was at our daughter�s game the other day, and OW took the opportunity to push their baby in his stroller back and forth in front of me, smirking, and then giving water bottles and such to my daughter as though her mother was not there. I can expect more gloating in the workplace. That�s who she is. I�ve never done a thing to this woman, and she takes every opportunity to try to torture me. In that particular situation, I just laughed at her antics, and a single dad was flirting with me, and we were having a great conversation. STBX paid little attention her attempts to get his attention because he was trying to coach the game. Eventually, she just left -- I think because the game was ending and she was afraid to face me as we gathered around to congratulate my daughter. When STBX came up afterward, he looked so tired that I said, in all sincerity, �I bet you can�t wait to get home and rest!� He just looked off and changed the subject. When I think about it now, that wasn't going to be the case. He is a person who loves an afternoon nap, especially after an emotionally draining event, but as I know whenever I call for my daughter, his home is never quiet, and he is always managing the kids. OW is so needy that, as one of his coworkers told me, he always looks exhausted, as though being with her is a job in and of itself. Her children are extremely clingy. I finally asked him to stop bringing them to our daughter's school events, because they took up all of his energy and were sitting on his lap while she was off to the side. Miracle of miracles, he listened. I didn't say this, but it was clear to me anyways that OW was using her own kids, as usual, to make sure she had a "presence" when she had to work, or couldn't face me.

He hung out with our daughter and I for a bit after the game that day and seemed reluctant to leave. He adores our little girl, which I am grateful for since so many of my friends� ex-husbands abandon their kids. Then when our daughter ran off to be with her friends, he and I chatted about the news and my dog. It's always hard to believe I ever trusted him with my deepest feelings, because now I don't feel comfortable talking to him about much more than the weather. He betrayed me when we were together, running off to tell OW all those intimate thoughts, and when I asked him to stop, he told me that he could talk about whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. That was, basically, the end of us. Had he ever apologized -- which he hasn't -- I could have forgiven him for sleeping with her more than for him taking my innermost thoughts and sharing them with someone who hates and wants to destroy me. I am all for forgiveness, but you can't get the depths of your heart back from someone whose trampled all over them and tossed them about as useless fodder in the course of their betrayal. That's what they've done.

Back to the job�even as I am optimistic about all I can accomplish professionally, now I�m starting to wonder if I am strong enough to overcome the past and deal with the two of them. I think I am, and that maybe this is part of my path toward healing and forgiving, but I really don�t know. I know he won�t cause me problems -- mainly because that will bite him in the behind financially -- but she�ll seek every opportunity. I have been told by his boss -- who cannot stand her -- and by STBX that I have nothing to worry about in regards to her, as though someone has had a �talk� with her. But I�m nevertheless concerned that maybe I�m making a huge mistake, walking into a minefield. My friends are basically split on this. Thoughts?

Strong enough? oh my goodness, why is this the expectation that you put on yourself? Who would put these expectations on you? I encourage you to read through the Basic Concepts here on the site. In a marriage or not, the tools here are for creating a life that fits you, doing things that are special and meaningful to you. Not about proving that you can put yourself in circumstance you hate every day and be "strong enough" not to have a breakdown. Do you know *anyone* who does this stuff to themselves? Please consider taking that POJA to heart, and asking yourself, "Am I enthusiastic about this? What would it take for me to be enthusiastic?" before making a decision.

A big part of my spirituality was to recognize that my Higher Power has no limits, but I do. I have limits, and it was about time I started recognizing them!

Don't fault yourself for not finding forgiveness for your ex yet, while you're still constantly exposing yourself to all this. The forgiveness will fall into place naturally, on it's own, as you get more realistic with what you expect from yourself, and detach back to a minimal co-parent relationship.