I was accually glad you had moved on in such a way Wolf, and was just asking those questions that the other posters did not. The ones implied but not come out and asked.

You have confirmed to me that you are heading in the right direction, much of what you said rings true and I can relate to also. The part about attraction also sounds right too, I think a lot of us fall for that.


Sorry you are feeling bad and have that cronic pain issue, I have had that also most my life, it sure can be a challange.
The explanation was fine IMO and you have no reason to explain to us so thanks for taking the time.. Hope your feeling better.

This is what my counselor says about me also, that I am very introspective and cautiuos. This has given me hope for pulling myself out of this funk I am in. I need the balance of my counselor and a good one is hard to come by. This is the best I have found so far who has stuck. Progress is slow but my kids say i am doing well. I am finnally tring to deal with many issues that have been put on the back burner to be resolved later, and now is the time.

You are young and life shouldn't be on hold because of XHs mental/emotional issues, especially if you can handle all the issues that came from this marriage. Hats off to you and best of luck,

PS I love horses and miss riding and taking care of them. Thats something I plan on taking up again as I grew up around them. Life is for living.

I can relate to this, nerse, addiction is evil is it not?
There are many parts of this I understand also Wolf, even when my X made life tough to handle, I tried to take it in stride, keep working, had a life, and waited for her to get back on her feet while supporting her in reality and with compassion. I fell pretty hard when she relapsed and then when the drink took her into a world even more dark, and it caused me to question myself deeply even before the affiar issue developed. Its good to see I am not alone in this terrible experiance. What really I can relate to is that before the trouble got bad I lived well, that is what keeps me postive now, that i will return Well I blamed her family for the bulk of the problems in her life, but I get what you are saying and we have to appreciate and respect everyone who we meet, even those who have hurt us some way. I like to think if they only were aware of what they are doing, they wouldn't do it, and its thier blindness that they strike out from. Secure people don't need to prove anything or take sides.

I also have been put in the position all to often in clinically analyzing my late wifes emotional problems, and now am available to my children when the time comes, and they come sporadically as they grow, to help them understand what happened to there Mom. Its a fact of life that we all can fall, but to often we choose to and we don't have to follow those who do, just love them and show them choices.
yeah I do
Lol yeah more than you want to know. I even worried about this when I first met her, but dismissed it because the relationship before was still based on integrity,(at least my part was), so trying to make up for it was not really such a bad thing IMO at the time. Now I know better and I should have stowed that baggage. Lessons learned, but I did put it behind us as we lived, it was just a poor start.


This is what my counselor says about me also, that I am very introspective and cautiuos. This has given me hope for pulling myself out of this funk I am in. I need the balance of my counselor and a good one is hard to come by. This is the best I have found so far who has stuck. Progress is slow but my kids say i am doing well. I am finnally tring to deal with many issues that have been put on the back burner to be resolved later, and now is the time.

You are young and life shouldn't be on hold because of XHs mental/emotional issues, especially if you can handle all the issues that came from this marriage. Hats off to you and best of luck,

PS I love horses and miss riding and taking care of them. Thats something I plan on taking up again as I grew up around them. Life is for living.

Ok, here's the update. Divorce is final. He's gotta pay my COBRA for 18 months and a small amount of spousal support.

I wish I had some sense of closure, some feeling of justice out of all this, but I don't.

He's still very VERY wayward... but, hey- alcoholic!

I'm sorry for your loss.
There is hope for a better future.
Believe it.

ITA with pep

But what I wanna know is "better than WHAT?"
It wouldn't take much to be better than right now. It'd take a lot to be better than everything I've lost from all this.

Having loved my wife for many years and watching her alcohol issues ruin her life and severely damage our family, I might have a bit of perspective.

It has been over a year since she has passed and I still find little relief personaly from the pain and confusion she was suffering being over. I am removed from the direct effects of her active addiction but after 24 years it has made its mark on me, as you would imagine, as you probably are experiencing yourself.

I used to identify myself whithen that emotional mess that comes with being closest to someone that struggles with addiction. Guilt, anxiety, desparation. All the things that when I left her years ago because of the negative impact they had on me I realized came from her denial and were going to eat me alive.

I did not have anyone who could understand as this site or Alanon can about where I should go next then. After returning to her after a partial recovery and spending many more years watching her again spiral down after her "Appearing" to move forward I am in worse shape than before. (Go figure, I came to MB to figure out what was wrong with me).

I am seeing a therapist and recovering from the self-image and lies that I bought when over time that I am guilty and responsible for her suffering and the most important thing I can do is not get someone to understand and identify with how pathetic I feel, but to help them avoid ever experiencing this. Ignorance is bliss in this case, especiailly where it concerns my children. I am not who I want to be for them or even for myself yet, but at 52 I heal slowly, but I do heal.

Unfortunatly I understand your pain, and I understand how it takes time to recover who you are in how should I put it, "Gods eyes". Many days I will have a surprising change of outlook that gives me relief and hope, something from long ago that opens my eyes to the fact that although I have been damaged, even at my own hand from foolishness in some ways, that I will be OK. Those things will come Wolf as the drama recedes from inside, I promise, but an even more effectual God promises.

I don't know if you are a believer, many have been burnt by religion in this world, but God represents himself to us much more in his love for us thru what he says thru his word to us personnally. Forget the churchs made of fallable man and his shortsighted understanding of the human condition which many times use guilt as a way to furthur condemn. Thats all they know and even the wisest man cannot replace God in peoples lifes, not in our hearts, where we really need Him.

We trust God not because He has shown us where we went wrong, but because "He first loved us". Thats undeniably human and wise and we should let Him love us even as we know we will never reach perfection.

I know a guy who has went thru AA for addictions and also is a believer. He says "With the twelve steps and God people can overcome anything" From my experience you need both. My wife refused AA and the twelve steps,(which if you read them are spiritual as anything from the bible), so she did not recover physically AND deal with her emotional issues.

My suggestion to you is to realize the despair and pain that has found its way into your life through your H addictions and mental illness that brought him there are now effecting you, and you should go to alanon and learn how to deal with them and the internal issues that hurt your selfimage of how great and strong God made you to be. Keep posting here and venting.

Note that it is the victims of ppl involved in alcoholism that do the most suffering and that it is needless. The Alc, like the ppl who are involved in affairs, are hiding in thier addictions and are blind, they don't feel what you feel. You are priveledged to have real emotions where they abuse others and live like fools.

Know that you are not alone in this, and that in time you will be stronger and happier than ever before. The "better" part will come and you might never be able to explain how it did or what you did to get it but remember its a new life we are talking about. Its a process and a journey like growing up and discovering the world again and marveling at it.


Prayers to you

Yup, thats part of the problem Wolf, and the blessing of being free now. One of the most challanging I might add, at least for me. Its over and now you are the captain of your ship, where its goes and what you fuel it with is in your hands.

I agree.
VERY challenging.
My H is 14.5 years AA .... the first 2 years were rough.
I was used to living with a drunk, not a sober man whose opinions were equally valid alongside mine.
It took me the better part of 2 years to respect H's earned position as a sober head-of-household.

I began to question myself, if I even wanted an equal partner !!!
But, our marriage did survive his sobriety and my willfulness.

pep

I came home with a pretty good insulin reaction and so thats all can say tonight.

I get what your sayin Pep, I'm glad you have Him back to stay.

All I know is that you'd better grab your umbrella and kiss your donkey and your monkey.


Lol Where did that come from Pep?

A thread discussing the possible hurricane that threatened Texas.
Things got silly ... then sillier.

My sig line has no actual meaning. Except to say, I am sometimes silly.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2424681#Post2424681

I Love your sig lines pep.

Just finnished reading your post. I learned some really interesting things about me & my alcoholic WH. I was just wondering if you could give us an update about what's going on with you. How has your life been without the "drama" and "stress"? And, Dancing Guy? Fill us in!

Thanks, Mitzie

Reading through old posts here, and MAN I was such a whiner! LOL

Yeah, things are getting better. Mostly meaning ME getting better. My situation still stinks in a lot of ways, but that's the SITUATION, and it's not reflective of my state of mine, for the most part. Still broke, still sick. Still living with relatives who try to treat me like a wayward teenager, instead of a responsible nearly 40 year old adult.

My hearing for SS Disability has been scheduled on March 17th, so at least there's that. Situation with my family of origin has continued to improve as I've gotten a lot better about setting boundaries, and refusing to be acted out upon in a co-dependent manner or outright controlled.

My ex continues to email me every so often about trivial stuff, being all falsely nice in an attempt to start a conversation... but he's still drinking, so I'm not talking. He sent me one today, telling me I could claim the interest paid on the home loan... he was going to let me have it. Which is funny, since he CAN'T claim it. It was under my name. How magnanimous of him! As if granting me use of something that was already mine and throwing in a couple smiley faces will encourage me to break NC. What a turd. :P

I don't actively seek any info on him, but have been hearing through the grapevine that he's been drinking more and more and is now "a complete lush." Many of our old mutual friends aren't having anything to do with him. Midlife crisis + family alcohol issues aren't doing him good. He's just "gotten weird" but tells anyone who will listen how AWESOME his new life (read "without Wolf") is.

One thing I know about him- The LOUDER he is about anything, the more he's likely to be lying.

As far as "Dancing Guy?" Well, he continues to be absolutely awesome- and his kids, too. We talk a lot about everything.

I've been seeing my counselor every so often to be sure I'm staying on track with my healing... the one that started off as the marriage counselor that my Ex picked (he thought a guy would be most understanding and sympathetic to his "issues"). Counselor held him accountable for his bs, so he quit going, but I stayed. Counselor says I'm in a healthy place, and that "Dancing Guy" is no rebound. We have something very, very good, and are both willing to work at it, too. We're taking things slowly- kind of have to, with us being in separate cities for now, but I could easily see this being a potential lasting relationship. In a couple weeks, we will have known each other for a year now.

I'm learning. There's a huge difference between dating an emotionally available man who is responsible and THERE for his kids, and being married to a selfish little man-boy that never grew up. It's marvelous. It's also VERY scary. I still struggle sometimes with "self worth" issues... embarassed at compliments, etc. I've introduced him to some of the MB concepts, which he's met with great enthusiasm. HE initiates the "feelings" talks regularly, something I'm not so great about. My ex's passive aggressive and evasive issues did a good job of training me OUT of wanting to talk about "feelings", but I'm not only learning to do it, I'm learning to enjoy it.

I feel very loved and cared for. It's a strange feeling. His kids, D11, S14 and D16 have all told me they have never seen their dad so happy, and that they love me. They are such good kids- they're exactly what I would have ordered, if I'd ordered custom kids. LOL I know I paint a rosy picture, and it might sound pretty unrealistic, but I assure you it's totally real. We've had differences we've settled, kids being kids, etc, and the continual "long distance" thing... but it's amazing how comfortable things are, and at the complete lack of drama.

So, happy ending? Sure! I know I'll be fine. I don't have as many friends as I used to, but it's like Scotland says... I've chosen more for quality than quantity. I don't expect that I'll ever be friends with the ex again. He's deep in the fog and without AA or something drastic he's probably going to stay there. Better to detach than watch the show.

I'm still struggling sometimes with wishing for karma to catch up to him. It seems like I'm the one that has had to pay the higher price for all this and that he hasn't had too many consequences come home to roost yet. Then I think about how little it matters. I'm happy. I think in the long run I will be far better off without him than I would have been if I'd stayed with him- even if he hadn't turned into an alcohol abuser. So, it really doesn't matter either way if he's happy or miserable.

So, anyway... that's the scoop. More and more to smile about all the time.

Good news indeed. Gives me hope also

Update: Ok... here's the latest. I got approved for disability for my fibromyalgia!

Vindicated! I'm not lazy, faking or crazy!

Also, still hearing from my ex on a fairly regular basis. Usually some thin but legitimate excuse to email me, coupled with a question about how I'm doing... like he really gives a d@mn. I only respond to the business stuff, like things relating to insurance.

So, yeah... that's the scoop. Hanging tough. Moving forward.

Here's the latest...

The Karma Bus has rounded the bend. My ex just lost his hot-shot, high paying job. I have a hunch the job search won't go well for him. Either a significant pay cut if he can find something, or nothing to find. I'm nearly positive his drinking and general bad attitude might have been a factor- he went through a phase where he was posting on Facebook about being still drunk/hung over while at work. They let him go, but kept his whole team.

I found out (accidentally) about my replacement, too. He's all hooked up with a 38 year old grandmother that still has kids (with multiple fathers) at home. The mutual friends don't think highly of her and call her an alcoholic, drama addicted party girl. I can't help but chuckle a little. Also, I think it's possible he's "gaslighting" her, too... telling other folks stuff about her that make her look bad, so he can play the victim to her expectations. Then she'll wonder why none of his other friends like her. He did this to me, to isolate me from our social circle.

In the meantime, I've changed towns, am working on my stories and generally trying to put my life back together.

That's the scoop. Part of me feels bad about his misfortunes, but sadly, part of me is gleeful that he's gonna get the reality check he so desperately needed. He was making out that our financial problems were my fault... I'm glad he's getting to find out that sh*t happens and it doesn't have to be something that *I* did.