We could do the online program, but H has issues that he must get resolved within himself before we can truly begin to work on the marriage. The forum would be good, but H needs an outlet now that he can voice his feelings and get personal feedback.

no...lots of guilt, LOTS of guilt...feels unworthy, etc. can't get passed his actions, the hurt he's caused, etc.

There are several networks that are currently working on documentaries regarding infidelity, and I have been called by them to give them some ideas. The one point I try to make again and again is that a spouse's affair is the most painful experience anyone can have in life. I encourage them to ask those who were the betrayed in their documentary to compare the suffering they experienced with all other tragedies they'd had in life. Our experience is that when those comparisons are made, infidelity tops the list when it comes to suffering. So guilt is a normal reaction for those who have inflicted this level of pain on someone. And flashbacks regarding the source of that pain is normal for those who have been the victims. In fact, I don't hold out much hope for couples where the unfaithful spouse DOESN'T feel guilt because he or she is usually unwilling to provide just compensation for the offense (see my three Q&A column series "Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?"). The just compensation I recommend is to completely eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible, take extraordinary precautions to avoid another affair, and meet the most important emotional needs of the betrayed spouse. When those conditions are met, I've found that the unfaithful spouse experiences very little residual guilt, and the betrayed spouse has much fewer flashbacks.

The problem I generally see in couples where guilt and flashbacks persists is that just compensation has not taken place. The conditions that led to the affair persist, the extraordinary precautions have not been implemented, and/or the unfaithful spouse is not meeting the most important emotional needs of the betrayed spouse. On the other hand when these three conditions are met, the couple will report that they've never had such a good marriage, and that perhaps the affair itself, as painful as it was to experience, provided the catalyst for change. I've written in a number of places that unless a marriage is better after an affair then it ever was before the affair, the marriage is unlikely to survive. The just compensation helps create that magnificent marriage if it's implemented.

H just started a new job, so already asking off is not a good idea. We will figure something out.....

My husband has finally agreed to counsel with the Harley's albeit over a year after Dday. We have been limping along since then.

Here's my my major dilemma. Both H and I have extremely stringent work schedules and most of our days are scheduled. We really need to counsel in the evenings after work, but apparently Steve only counsels to like 2 pm CT and Jennifer is available in the evenings.

My husband does not feel comfortable with a woman and prefers Steve. I have asked the office for an exception even stating that I would pay more than the already high fees if Steve would make an exception. They still said no.


Thoughts?