I agree with HLTDs. Your wife is certifiably insane if she thinks she is going to reform this guy through the power of love. The very first thing you should do is get a restraining order against this guy so he cannot come near your children. You need to do this ASAP! It will protect your kids and it may serve to snap your wife out of this delusion that she can replace you with OM and have him be their father. That is probably what she is thinking.
Then re-expose telling people he has to get HIV-checked every 52 days and tell your kids that he is dangerous and poses a threat to their health. I would definitely not leave for work right now. Your work should understand that your wife is cheating on you and you need to protect your kids from the druggy ex-con that she wants to bring around.

And for the love of God, stop calling him and letting him explain away your fears while your wife is standing right there.

Why not take them with you?

She said she is willing to move our family to Mexico with me. I will reply to my bosses email and tell him this is what needs to happen. I am working on getting a restraining order against OM in the meantime. While we plan our relocation.. He is a felon and can't own a gun, but there's no telling what he's capable of doing. I got a very bad feeling when we all spoke on the phone yesterday.. He is going BALLISTIC because I blocked him from her phone and he hasn't been able to speak to her this week. This guy is OBSESSED with my WW.

Honestly, I understand where you people are coming from, but let's get the facts straight.

1) He travels to Mexico weekly for his job, and his wife is now a SAHM. He's going to get screwed when it comes to custody.

2) If he files for D, there is NO WAY they will let him take his kids to Mexico.

3) I know he should probably get with a lawyer and investigate his options, but he's not going to be able to get a restraining order on this guy if he doesn't have any proof of being phsycially threatened. Now, I might try and trap the guy and record a phone conversation telling him you are keeping him away from your WW and he's a creep, loser, and unworthy or your WW, and hopefully catch him threatening you on recorder. Check the laws for recording conversations in your state and his state.

4) If his WW doesn't have an STD, he can verify this in the future. Just because she had unprotected sex with a guy who gets tested for HIV every 52 days, does not mean she is automatically damaged goods.

5) I would get a PI to verify all these things. Most OM are LIARS. If this is the stuff he told your WW, imaging what secrets he's keeping. Is he a convicted sex offender? Does he currently deal drugs? Why does he get tested for HIV? All these questions have answers, and you need to dig a little deeper to shatter the fantasy of your WW's affair.

I would kill the affair first and figure what you want to do with your WW second. You CAN kill this affair. It is long distance, you pay all the bills, and OM is a loser. It just takes some determination and ingenuity.

Well, if he's a felon, he probably won't be allowed into Mexico. It will even be easier to keep her from contacting him from there. I agree that you need to go down this path.

Edit: Oh, and just to make sure we're on the same page, don't hold a conference call to tell OM your WW is moving down with you to Mexico. Do you understand?

He is going ballistic because you're taking his drug away. I wouldn't let that stop me from doing what you're doing. I doubt that there is any real chance of physical violence, although that has happened in some cases of affairs ending. I am suggesting you take your family with you because that is the best scenario for ending your WW's addiction. She needs to be removed from him.

Yes. No more conference calls. I completely deleted him from my Blackberry so I will never have the urge to contact him again. I am digging in and continuing with plan A. I know she'll eventually wake up and see things for what they really are. She has daddy issues. And, unfortunately, OM is alot like her dad. A criminal, drug addict,etc. He died in a car accident 15 years ago.

She has been a good wife an mother for the past 20 years. I will keep fighting to keep our family together. I guess someting just snapped with her when she turned 40.. We came across OM 2 days after her 40th bday..

After I exposed all this to my kids, my 13 yo son has gone into a state of depression. He says it is all his fault because he didn't know how to hook up his XBOX on his own while we were over there on our house hunting trip. He said if he could have done it, his mom would have never called the front desk at the hotel and OM would never have entered our lives. I am trying to hard to get our kids past this..

Pull your son aside. Look at him with a big smile and say, "It's not your fault you didn't know how to hook up the XBOX. I appreciate you wanting to take responsibility for this, but it was your mother's decision to do what she did. Don't worry, everything's going to be okay, I promise. I'm taking care of this." Then give him a big hug.

You need to inspire confidence in your family. I'll try and inspire confidence in you. As long as you can keep her from contacting OM, you'll get your wife back. Just focus on that for now.

Do not derail the healing of your M by blaming her A on a mid-life crisis, daddy issues, or anything else. The reason your W had an A was because she chose to have no boundaries to protect herself or your M. That's it. Nothing else. To allow that there are 'daddy issues' or anything else is to assign your W in the role of "victim". She's no victim. She's the perpetrator.

Lots of people have daddy issues, lousy childhoods, or go through mid-life periods of asking themselves "Is this all there is?" And those people don't have affairs. Don't lay the responsiblity on anything other than a lack of boundaries. You need to understand this in order to properly approach the healing and future affair-proofing of your M.

What exactly is an SAHM and an IMHO?

Message board shorthand. SAHM = Stay at home mom. IMHO = In my honest opinion.

I plan to go back to work in Mexico tomorrow. She has promised no contact with OM whatsoever. She said she is afraid of the fact that he could have given her an STD. She also mentioned that when he was in town, they got into an argument over his sexuality. She said he went into a rage, smashed his cell phone and punched a street sign so hard that it came out of the ground. Obviously some anger management issues that she said she does not want to deal with.

I don't know whether to believe her. She has promised this several times in the past. She told me this morning that she misses talking to him and hearing his voice. I blocked her cell phone, cancelled our home telephone service, put filters on her email and let her family know about what's going on.


I made my boundaries about no contact very clear to her. I know I need to enforce these boundaries if she does break the no contact agreement?. How exactly do I do this? Especially if I am in Mexico when/if I find out?

At this point, I think the only way you are going to ensure NC while you are in Mexico is if you bring in a family member to "babysit" your wife while you are gone.

I can't go to Mexico tomorrow beacause of the hurricane. All flights are cancelled from South Texas. This must be some kind of sign!

You know, I am beginning to realize that this thing with OM was not about him. She has showed me numerous times this week that she still loves me through random acts of affection and kindness. I have also tried to show her the same things, even though I feel like a wounded animal. However, I have the intelligence to know that she is still addicted to him and that she is only acting like this to appease me until I get back on that plane and head back to Mexico..


I called the police today to file a restraining order against OM in case he tries to come back here. They could not do a restraining order because he never threatened physical violence. But, the officer was smart enough to recognize that I am gone all the time and that this guy poses a threat to my family. He spoke to my older boys and gave them instructions what to do if he ever came around our house. He also made an incident report about all this that included OM's name, DOB, description, address, everything!..

I feel I have the law and my kids on my side. But, I still feel I don't have my wife. That's what's messing me up right now.

Just a couple of things.

1) Your WW is going to break NC, especially with you not around.

2) Your marriage will NEVER work with you traveling. You may think it is, but it may seem that way right until your WW leaves you for another man. You need to find a job that doesn't travel. You can't continue this way anymore. This should be a wakeup call.

3) Why did your WW have this affair? Why has she been so callous about it? What needs weren't you meeting and how are you going to meet them in the future. How are you going to affair proof your marriage in the future.

She told me that she had this affair because she has not been happy with me. I think alot of it has to do with the fact that I drink alot of beer whenever I come home from Mexico. That is what she has told me. I am not abusive or violent, just a heavy drinker.

But, OM drinks alot more than I do. He left 5 beers in our vehicle before he let town. I acknowledge that my drinking is an issue in our marriage. I am working on correcting it. But, why would she want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire? I think there has to something else going on with here. Our sex life is phenomonal (according to her), our kids are happy, and spoiled! I feed the dogs, take out the trash, do dishes, cook, etc. whenever I am home.

I agree that my job travel is going to make this impossible to fix. I am praying for something else to come along. However, I am the sole provider in this family and I need to make sure my family is taken care of right now.

She had this affair because she felt entitled to it and has piss poor boundaries. She had the affair because she CHOSE to. Yes, the drinking may have eroded her love for you - but it is NOT the reason she had an affair.

No. If she didn't like your drinking that much she could have left you. Now she's got an AP and a husband who drinks. Her reasoning makes no sense, of course. She's blame-shifting, which is a common wayward trait. Your WW chose to have an A because she has poor boundaries.

I appreciate that the job market is poor right now. But you're putting yourself in the position of providing for an EX-wife and children you'll see every other weekend and alternating holidays.

Why aren't they with you in Mexico?