There's probably a completely different forum somewhere that would address this issue, but I'm sure there are some MBers with similar experiences who can help. This has to do with my BF's DD9. He has 50% custody with a regular schedule that hasn't changed in the 5 years he's been divorced and has worked well for all, including DD9. Up until recently, she's been a very well adjusted, content and pleasant little girl. But a new variable has been added to her life and it has completely thrown her into an emotional mess.

Without going into details, here's what's happened:

- DD9's aunt and 2yo cousin moved in to her mom's place a few weeks ago
- Mom reported that DD9 is behaving very clingy at her house
- Mom also reported that she and Aunt take turns watching the kids while the other "works overtime" (I suspect this is code for seeing a BF or something but I don't know)
- Since the cousin moved in, DD9's sleep at her dad's place has been very disrupted, particularly on her first night back
- DD9 reported that she doesn't have a room there anymore and that she sleeps in her mom's bed with her
- DD9's sleep has gotten so bad that she actually didn't sleep at all the first night this week and only fitfully on the next few nights
- DD9 broke down last night crying about how she never sees her mom anymore and when she does, her mom only pays attention to the baby
- Mom seems annoyed about the situation and it's unlikely she will do much at her end

Anyway, this isn't exactly quite sibling jealousy over a new baby, but I'm figuring it's similar. It's also complicated by the fact that DD9 has to leave her mom's while the intruder baby gets to stay behind. This poor child is really suffering right now and it doesn't help that it's the first week of school and she's running off less than 6 hours sleep over 3 days. Something needs to be done to help her, but I have no idea what. Does anyone have any experience with this - especially when it's rolled into a divorce/blended family situation?

Hi Tabby,

Is DD9 not good with change? While my youngest rolls with the punches my oldest DD hated any type of change.

Give her a couple of weeks to see if she adjusts to the situation. Maybe she needs some additional attention from either your BF or her Mom.

A 2 year old can be demanding and DD9 might feel slighted because it is natural that more attention is being given to the "baby" than her and she can be acting out. She could be feeling abandoned. Her Dad is no longer home and now this new interloper is changing her life again.

Blended families are difficult even in the best of circumstances.

All I have is some personal experience and some light reading on the children of divorce.

One of the things I STRONGLY felt growing up was that I didn't have my own space, not really. I had a room in each of my parent's houses and my 'stuff' was there, but going back and forth from one house to another made it so that there was no place I really called 'home', just a space I borrowed while 'visiting' one parent or another.

People used to try to put a positive spin on it "Oh, you're so lucky with 2 homes!" But I knew I wasn't. There was no place for me, I was always the visitor - the transient. I could achieve equilibrium and be ok with it - but it was tenuous at best. I never, really, felt like I could finally relax into my own life and space until I was a teenager - when I stopped visiting my mother more than 2 times a year.


THIS is very unsettling. The girl probably feels that she is slipping out of this family - she is becoming less and less important, she is being forced to take up less and less space.


This is even more unsettling. See - when a kid is forced to go back and forth from one home to another, it isn't like they get two families, it's like they get NO family. They know that while they are with one they are missing out on being with the other. They feel truly uprooted. Because the child isn't permanently with their family they are disconnected from both families. And now - it is worse because when she is with her mother's family - her mother acts like she doesn't care she is there.

The mother may not intentionally acting that way - but that is the message she is sending to her daughter.

I don't think parents get how completely devastating divorce and forced visitation is on kids. Even in the best of co-parenting situations, even when the parents get along it is incredibly difficult. The child has no sense of home, of family, or of security. And if something threatens the fragile sense of equilibrium the child has they begin to become unglued.

My parents divorced when I was 2. So you'd think I'd be adjusted. Most people who know me - even my husband - would probably tell you I turned out just fine and I was well adjusted and happy. Divorced kids are pretty good at lying to make the adults in their life feel better about the situation.

The truth is I adjusted, but for me my equilibrium hinged on my brother, who was 2 months old at the time of the divorce. HE was something I could hold on to since we were homeless and familyless together. The few months we lived separately when I was 10 were the most devastating of my childhood. They managed to eliminate the little sense of security I had.

People don't like to hear and talk about this. They like to believe that


this means everything is ok. And it is, I guess, to an extent. We like to talk about how kids are resilient and manage just fine. We like to see the happy little kid and reassure ourselves that the divorce wasn't THAT bad.

Even my husband mentioned to me that his little nieces whose parents divorced a few years ago are happy and well adjusted. I told him that no one who has lived through it knows what it is like. Knows what it feels like to KNOW that your parents stole from you the most important gift they could have given you: a loving, intact family. Kids know they're getting second best - they also know they have to make themselves happy because their parents have decided not to (now there are many reasons for divorce and some divorces are necessary - but a child can't understand all the complexities). So children go about making their lives livable and happy - because that is what their parents want of them, and at such a young age they want to make their parents happy.

But the truth of the matter is these children are standing on shifting sand. Any thing can shift and throw the precarious balance off.

Now this couple may have divorced for very legitimate reasons, but

this attitude is dangerous and actually pretty sad in my opinion. This girl's sense of security, family and happiness is even further undermined because her mother refuses to acknowledge the very real struggle this girl has had in creating security for herself. And now, on top of feeling unsettled and unhappy because of selfish decisions the mother is making, the girl has to feel bad about even feeling bad. So she will have to stuff her feelings, accept that she has even less importance than she thought she did to make her mother happy.

Now, at 9 I could not have spoken like this about my situation - but I knew my feelings. It is only with age that I've been able to verbalize what my childhood was like.

Honestly, this girl needs love and care and reassurance from her mother - not to be treated as an annoyance. Though the divorce happened 5 years ago it STILL shapes this little girl's life. It is STILL relevant. She is NOT over it - my parent's divorce was 26 years ago and I'm still not over it and I doubt I ever will be.

The girl needs a space she can at least try to make her own. She needs consistency and support. She needs visible reassurances of her mother's love and care. If this living situation continues, the mother needs to make a supreme effort to make one on one time with her daughter and allow her daughter to connect and bond with her to provide a sense of family.

I highly recommend your friend read the book

Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt

Thanks so much Vibrissa for your intimate insight into this. I will definitely get my hands on that book. Unfortunately, things being as they are I have very little input into this other than providing advise. I was the one that spoke to her mom yesterday and I got the impression she was annoyed with ME for allowing DD to call her. I tried to explain to her why DD was upset and she said she's doing all that she can, but we know for a fact she has spent at least a couple of overnights away from home leaving DD in the care of her aunt (overtime, remember -not sure how to do the eyeroll but put it right here). Anyway, I think mom views this whole issue as one gigantic bother and I don't think she'll do anything differently. So unfortunately, poor DD has to learn how to cope with it on her own. There has to be a way we (BF and I) can support her better but I'm not really sure how.

Thanks Hope. That's exactly what it is, but add to it all the complex feelings a child has due to the divorce (see V's post). As to change, for small stuff she rolls with the punches but she did seem to have an adjustment period when her mom moved from the family home (not at the time of the divorce but 2 or 3 years later). I obviously wasn't around at the time of the divorce so I have no idea how she (appeared) to handle that.

This makes me very, very sad. The daughter WILL readjust - she'll find a way to cope and recreate her security the best way she knows how. But the message she will get is "You're not important. MOMMY is more important than you." And that is a tragic message for any child to receive. Also - there is no guarantee that the way she finds to create that stability will be a healthy one for her as an adult.

It's similar to Waywards who convince themselves that their children will be ok with them stepping out on their marriage because their children "Just want me to be happy." It's BS. In reality children don't care much about their parent's happiness, not at such a young age. That is why divorce is so traumatizing, it forces children to protect their parent's feelings when it should be the other way around. All kids want is for their parents to love them and for their home to be happy and secure.

The only thing I'd suggest T is to be there as much as you can for this girl. Attempt to provide her some stability and something that doesn't change. Be a close family friend, an adult who's feelings she doesn't have to be anxious about.

i don't mean to thread jack at all.. but vibrissa WOW.... i wish judges and lawyers would listen to more people like you.... thanks for your input and you hit the nail on the head!

Vibrissa, this mom is a first class twit. Last night, she took DD for dinner (arranged when DD had her breakdown the night before). When she returned, BF had a talk with her. Mom was pi$$ed at him for allowing this to happen and forcing her to "babysit" on her "night off". Yes, she was the wayward in the marriage but you would think after all this time she'd have come around (affair is long over, she's had numerous boyfriends since then). She also told BF that sister and cousin are a permenent addition to the household and that it's unfair of him to accuse them of setting off DD (he wasn't actually home when this happened - I was looking after DD). He said he would never suggest she kick them out but asked her to simply spend some one-on-one time with DD once in a while until she accepts the new situation so she doesn't feel replaced by the baby, and to keep her home from the neighbours more. Mom said she ships her off to the neighbours when she's whiny which is all the time lately (!!!) and until she stops whining that's how she's going to deal with it (again - !!!!!!). BTW, this child rarely whines - even lately with the sleep deprivation and everything else. It's just not in her (at least around her dad). BF is fuming mad.

On the positive side, DD was very happy to spend some alone time with her mom and was cheerful all evening and slept soundly through the night for the first time in weeks.

BF has considered going for full custody before but he doesn't want to make any legal moves until it's a sure thing. All of these events and past incidences are documented. In all probability, mom would give him custody if he asked, though her family would likely rally up and get her to fight for it and she'll do it to save face with them. Honestly, BF thought the sister moving in would be a step in the right direction for DD. It possibly still could be once she gets past this (if her mom gives her a chance to), but I have this nagging feeling that sis is just like mom. (honestly, the rest of her family isn't like that at all - they are actually very decent people who want her to do the right thing)

I hate it when parents - mother or father - refer to it as 'babysitting'. It's very telling about their attitude to their children.

It isn't babysitting. It's parenting.


One thing I've learned here - Waywardism is more than being in an active affair. For some people it is a lifestyle. It is characterized by selfish, entitled behavior, and only acting for the benefit of others when it benefits you.

She's only Mommy when DD is being good - she doesn't actually want to be there when she needs comfort and nurture.

This woman is still Wayward - and as there is no husband to punish, this girl is going to be taking the brunt of the fallout.


Oh, I'm sure. But the Mother can't wait until a meltdown to patch things together. Just like marriage or any other relationship: it needs constant nurture. It's much harder to patch a marriage when it's falling apart due to neglect.

I seem to recall that HNHN for Parents recommends shooting for 15 hours of family time along with the 15 hours of UA time. As this woman has no husband, the 15 hours of family time with her daughter should be the priority and like any other extra-curriculars, dating men should be squeezed in afterwards.


I'm not sure what the age is - but for us, when I turned 12 and my brother 10 we were old enough for our opinions of who we wanted to live with was taken into consideration, so my father pushed to get us custody. My mother made it fairly miserable but we were adamant we wanted to live with our father and she relented.

My father also made it clear that visitation with our mother was our decision, he would not force us to go or stay - so my brother stopped going. I kept visiting for a few years out of guilt before it got to be too much for me.

I would advise BF to push for custody as soon as he can. Ensure that is what he daughter wants and fight to get her. If he can provide her more consistency and stability - she will be better in the long run.

For now, he can try to spend time with her as often as possible. My father, after his second divorce scheduled weekly lunches with my two younger half-brothers. Every Tuesday he was at the Elementary school and then the Jr. High to eat lunch with them. He would take me and my brother out to lunch every couple of months(we were in high school and too cool for the weekly thing). It was GREAT. We all loved the chance for a little one on one time with dad.



It could be - but then again, it may not be.

Like I said, his daughter will adjust. She will develop coping mechanisms to deal with this. But - what will those coping mechanisms be? Will they be healthy? Will the enable her to easily create relationships and deal with problems when she is an adult? Or will they make it so she has to struggle through her adult life?

I know I'm preachin' to the choir here. Just throwing out thoughts as they come.

It's funny because this is the one thing we simply can't understand at all. The woman has 50% of the time to herself while DD is at her dad's. During that time, DD spends her days either at school or at daycare. In the past 3 years, mom has only taken DD on one vacation with her. The others she either took on her own or dropped DD off at daycare in the morning and did God knows what for the day. Once, she took DD to her parents and left her there for the week (likely bad planning - booked her trip on her week by mistake). She has PLENTY of free time to date men or do whatever she wants to do without a child hanging around. This is why we are pretty sure she'd give up custody if it were up to her. Unfortunately, her family would shame her if she did - I believe she only keeps what she has because of them.

As far as a dad getting full custody, that is still a rarity around here and he knows he's lucky to have 50/50. And DD is very attached to her mom - if you were to ask her today she would NOT want to live full time with her dad. She doesn't see or hear what her mom says - her mom is all sugar and spice when dealing directly with her. And with the current situation, I think she's afraid to come to her dad's and leave her mom behind with the baby.

FWIW, we have no idea what the baby's visitation schedule is with her dad. DD doesn't think she's visited her dad but it likely happens during the time she's not there. The sister only just left her husband so it's unlikely there's anything formal worked out at that end. DD would probably feel better knowing that her cousin also leaves the house at times to stay with her dad.

And this is how children wind up stunted and incapable of healthy adult relationships - they are constantly seeking after the love and care their mother's never deigned to give them. A child craves her mother's love and attention. When she doesn't get it she assumes the problem lies within her, and not the mother. One of my favorite movie quotes is "Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of children everywhere." It is true - Mother is the center of a child's life during the early years.

One can hope this girl will see her mother for what she is - but she may never do so, her love for her mother and desire to protect her mother will always paint this woman's actions in the best possible light - turning the anger and pain and ugliness onto the child.

I assure you, that deep down, this girl feels that her mother is abandoning her - shoving her off and only around when absolutely necessary. That is why her equilibrium is so precarious.

She won't know any better. She'll think that is what a mother is. Children can be happy in plenty of unhealthy situations because they don't know any better. Doesn't mean they're emotionally stable or healthy. Doesn't mean they will turn into well adjusted adults. Doesn't mean they won't pass their dysfunction on to their own children.


I hate that the system automatically gives preference to mothers. I've learned through observation that boobs don't make a better parent.

Tabby, why are you looking at what the mom is doing, which you have 0 control over? How would you feel about picking up the slack, stepping up for this kid, you and your BF? Someone needs to do it, and the only control you have over anyone's choices are your own. It's easy to point fingers at others and what they "should" be doing. But what are you and your BF doing that are more important?

Or maybe there are some grandparents who would be willing to take this on?

Really sad, how no one is standing up and doing what's right for this kid. I'm glad that you're here, asking the questions. I've seen you post over time, and you sound like just the kind of stable person this kid needs.

Maybe the mom would do better as a "every other weekend and every Tuesday" parent. How would you feel about giving that a shot for two weeks? The extended family wouldn't ever have to be told about it if that's the stumbling block. And anyhow, I think anyone could understand that, letting your child go where they will be better cared for while she takes some time to get her ducks in a row. Hopefully that would take quite some time, and the girl could have some stability with you.

NewEveryDay, you are right I'm letting this woman get to me too much. The whole reason I posted in the first place was to get advise on what I could do. But it's hard not to see red when I see how she handles it. We both think the mom would be a better every second weekend parent but implementing it would be problematic. As her sister lives with her, there's no keeping secrets from the extended family. The grandparents on her side are fairly involved but they live 3 hours away. They do take DD for weekends and usually for a week each summer, but they aren't around on a day to day basis. BF's parents live in town and his mom has done some work with children's aid so she's been wonderful at making sure BF is documenting the right things. It is highly unlikely that a mention of changing the custody arrangement won't result in a legal fight at this point. But based on what I've witnessed so far, this could change. We're watching closely.