Hiya Whattodo,
How old are you guys? I agree that you should rule out the possibility of an affair.
has been sleeping in another room or at a friends house for nearly a month.
He started to go to the bar after work more and more. Mostly due to stress at work I believe. He often would invite me but then he slowly stopped inviting me as much.
Both of these are red flags to me.
However, there is a strong possibility that there is no affair. What is more likely, in my mind, is that you married someone who isn't really marriage material, someone who is not ready, willing, or able to actually SHARE their life with someone else.
This mistake was compounded when you decided to live together. Living together, despite common beliefs, actually makes your marriage LESS successful. It makes it LESS likely that you will have a good marriage.
BUYERS, RENTERS AND FREELOADERS:
Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.
Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.
Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.
Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.
Buyers believe We are together for life.
Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.
Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.
Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.
Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.
Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.
Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.
Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.
Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.
Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.
Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.
Living together is a 'renter' like mentality. The first 6 months a couple lives together tends to establish the pattern by which they negotiate and live their lives for the rest of their lives. A couple who is living together will establish a set of ground rules and behaviors that work for living together but are detrimental to actually sharing a LIFE together. Marriage requires a BUYER'S mentality, rather than a renter's.
It sounds like your husband is a renter, and you were a renter, but now want to become a buyer.
You need to sit him down and let him know that THIS is what you want out of marriage: a buyer's relationship. But realize, that he married you under the RENTER'S agreement. He will be (and is) resistant to becoming a buyer and may decide the buyer's relationship isn't what he wants.
I would suggest you get the book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders from the bookstore here, to identify the mistakes you made at the outset of this relationship.
I would look at the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and identify his ENs and work to fill them. Try to SHOW him the kind of marriage you want through your behavior.
Realize, however, that you cannot MAKE your husband become a buyer. You cannot FORCE it on him, you can only lay out your wants, and respectfully persuade him to join you.
Then you have to decide what you will do if he chooses NOT to join you. If he doesn't I HIGHLY recommend you DON'T bring children into this union. Children will only compound and exponentially exacerbate your problems, and then you will have to endure THEIR pain as well as your own.