Hi,

I'm in such pain right now that I need an outlet. This week, during the midst of some difficult financial negotiations, I got a phone call from my public health nurse. I had gone in for what I THOUGHT was a routine exam, but she had the devastating news that I have an std! Imagine my bewilderment - I have never in my life slept with a man other than my husband, and I have been under the illusion that he has never had sex with anyone except me! We have been together since high school, after all!

Now to throw another curveball at me, my husband and I are on different continents! I, with our young daughters, am visiting family back home in Canada, but he is in South America where we live. Communication has been difficult (thank goodness for Skype!) all summer because of the distance and how busy our respective lives have been, but I was actually able to reach him immediately. He was in a business meeting and phoned me back as soon as he could get to a private place. I knew, instantly, he'd had the affair (as if the std wasn't proof enough) but I needed to hear him admit it, which he did 15 agonizing minutes later.

I can't begin to describe how hurt and terrified and humiliated I am. Every negative emotion in the book in rapid succession, that's what I'm feeling. I have two young daughters and I can't be a good parent at this time. I'm living with my mother and it's nearly impossible to put on a good face. I dread waking every morning. I hate the constant neediness of my girls. I was so excited that our long visit here was coming to an end, so ready to go home to Colombia and be with my husband again and get back into a well-needed routine after a busy, hectic summer.

My husband's affair has been over for more than a year. It occurred - go figure! - while I was away, in Canada, last summer and ended shortly before I returned. Or so he claims.

He is doing everything "right" right now - being transparent, apologizing for his actions, answering even my most painful questions, finding an English-speaking counsellor for when and if Ireturn. He says he only wants us to be together and that even at the time he was regretful. He says nothing that I've ever done or any problems in the marriage is in any way to blame, that it was entirely his weakness and fault.

Right now, other than the pain I'm suffering, my big concerns are these: should I return? I have nothing here. I gave up everything to move to South America, my job, our house, everything. My daughters are very young and need me at home. We have a great life awaiting our return there. I need my husband - I'm so achingly lonely. For him, this has been over - by his choice - for a year. For me, I love him and want to work it out in order to have a stronger marriage, but I'm terrified. My other issue is that I can't stop being angry and hurt. I feel so worthless and bitter. I don't want to drive him into her arms again and he says he will accept my emotions and will not minimize them or avoid me, but how can I ever be sure of him again?

If there was one thing in my life I had been sure of, it was the goodness and faithfulness of my husband. I've been a bad wife in the past, getting emotionally involved with a coworker, but we worked it out (and it turns out he thought, all along, I had slept with the coworker, although he says this was not why he had his affair), but my husband and I have weathered every storm that has come our way.

I am fairly certain I want us to work this out and stay married. I'm scared for the future but believe that this may one day be something that actually strengthened us as a couple, as backwards as that feels right now. But... I'm scared. I'm lost. I hate that I want him so desperately. Why aren't I stronger and more independent? Why do we have to be so far apart??? 4 more days till he returns to Canada to bring us home. What should I be doing in this time to help me make a decision whether or not to return?

One last thing: I don't want anyone who will counsel me against my (nearly certain) decision to try to work things out with him. I need positive reinforcement. For this reason, I can't tell too many people because I know everyone will be on my side and hate him on my behalf. Right now, I don't really want candid especially if it's negative. I already doubt myself enough and am in enough confusion.

Thanks for listening.

G

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry about the events that have led you to this site.

Are you looking for help with your decision to attempt recovery, or have you already made the decision to try?

Have you read the articles by Dr Harley on this site, in the "Coping with Infidelity" section? Have you read his book Surviving An Affair? Have you mentioned this site to your H, and does he show any interest in using the concepts to recover from the affair?

Tell us more about the affair. Who was the other woman (OW)? Was she a colleague, and if so, do she and your H still work together? Was she a neighbour, and is she still? Is she married, and was her H told about the affair - by you? Did your H give you full details of who she was and what happened, and did he send her a no-contact (NC) letter?

Caulastrea,

It'll be a slow Monday due to the U.S. holiday. Stick around, and others will be along who can help you better.

You don't need to decide right now whether to save your marriage or take him back. Whether that'll be a good decision will depend in large part on how your husband conducts himself, in terms of beig honest, in terms of meeting your needs, in terms of making the best effort he can to understand (even though chances are he won't or can't understand fully) what he's put you through. Seems to me you can best evaluate those things if you go back, but that's got to be your choice.

A couple of thoughts:

1) You need HIM to get tested & show you the written results. Just because you've actually picked up one particular STD doesn't mean HE might not've exposed himself (& thus you) to other bugs. Insist upon this unconditionally.

2) You need to be SURE that the affair is over. "Sure" as in, YOU'RE certain, not just "sure" as in, he's TOLD you it's over. To this end,

-- Get all of your joint phone records. Ask him to produce all of his.

-- Ask him for complete access to his e-mail account/passwords, etc. (He may already have deleted incriminating correspondence, but his willingness -- or unwillingness -- to give you this access & to be transparent will tell you something about how serious he is.)

-- Find out everything YOU need to know about the identity (or identities) of the other woman. Find out whether she is also married. Insist that he write, and you send on his behalf, an unequivoval "No Contact" letter. To prevent a continuation or resumption of the affair, it is imperative that there be NO CONTACT between them -- work-related or otherwise. Many or most people who have not been through affairs do not understand how important this is. There can be no question of allowing him to operate under the illusion that they can be "just friends" or "just colleagues" or "just social acquaintances."

3) Order the book "Surviving An Affair" and read it, cover-to-cover. Preferably with your husband, but without him if necessary, but read it. It is the book that may very well have saved my marriage.

Obviously I can't know where your husband's heart is. I know that it's possible for a straying husband to be sincerely remorseful & to despise what he has done to his wife. However, I also know that it can be awfully hard to break loose from the emotional addiction of an affair while it's in-progress, and for that reason, his explanation that he broke it off on his own, a while ago, sounds fishy to me. Yeah, I also had times during my affair when I realized what I was doing & when I knew it was wrong & realized I should end it, but I never was able to make it stick. And so my affair only ended when the other woman's husband found her out. That's when I went to my wife so that I could be the one to confess to her, and not risk having her hear about it from someone else. Now, maybe your husband was stronger than I was, or maybe his other woman got tired of him and didn't press the matter, but I'm simply saying that you'd be prudent to take everything he says with a healthy skepticism.

I'm here to tell you that marriages CAN be restored & made better than they were before an affair, IF BOTH partners are fully on-board with that goal. So have some hope. But you both will need to do some tough emotional digging & you both will need to make changes in the way you relate to one another. (For example, it's a pretty fair bet that this time you've been spending apart over the years has NOT been good for you. If either your or your husband's ranking of life priorities over the years has placed either "career" or "kids" ranked ahead of "relationship with my spouse", then this has to change, because it makes it easier for interlopers to press in on your boundaries & meet emotional needs that only spouses should be meeting for each other.)

Sorry life has brought you to this website, but it's as good a place as you can be for someone in your situation. Please stick around and ask questions, and answer those that are asked of you as best you can. I can only speak to things from a (former) wayward's viewpoint, but there are plenty of betrayed spouses around here who can help walk you through this, who've been through what you're going through.

Sorry you are here but welcome.




Dr Harley stresses that couples should never ever spend a night apart. As you can see, it is an invitation for an A to happen. Please be sure to include this in your EP (extraordinary protection) plan that you will (hopefully) be putting together for Recovery.

Hi Caulestrea, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. There is hope for recovery if you follow these guidelines and most especially, never spend the night apart again. As you have discovered, this is an invitation to an affair:

Dr Willard Harley in Requirements for Recovery - "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance." continued here

For some reason, I've been unable to open, edit, or reply to posts since I initially posted. Wonder if it'll work now?

Thanks, everyone, who replied. I appreciate the candor, but especially the encouragement of people who think that yes, if I want to, I should go forward with working on the marriage, even if that means returning to South America.

Working things out with him IS what I want. I need to get to the bottom of why this happened and to discover if we have a marriage worth working for. But if things won't work between us, I guess I'd rather know that it wasn't for lack of trying. On the other hand, I can't even face the possibility of going through this sort of shock and pain again so I'm quite scared. Not to mention the legal hoops I'd have to jump to get back out of the country with my daughters, should things not work!

I may be extremely naive, but I honestly believe him when he says it's over, that there's been no contact for half a year and no physical relationship for over a year. Yes, I KNOW I was gullible enough to trust him all these years, but in my heart and gut, I still do believe in him.

The details which he's shared so far are that the other woman - whom I've met, apparently, before the affair - was a coworker. Rather, an office employee in the same office as him. After I left for Canada last summer, he said the chatting (and presumably flirting) lead to drinks after work, which lead to drunken sex in a "place she knew" (ie, hotel room she's used before), which lead to a 3-week affair. For all the naysayers, THIS IS COLOMBIA. They are promiscuous to the nth degree - it's a cultural thing. Think of how drop dead sexy Shakira is. ALL of the women are like that!!! Teen and pre-teen pregnancies are common and not any particular stigma. This woman told him she couldn't have children so not to worry about birth control. OK, he's an idiot. He should've known she was diseased, and he should've suspected that if her insides weren't rotted out with disease, she lied to him to purposefully get pregnant (which, as far as we know, she isn't). Women there only get power through men, so husband-stealing is very common. I'd been warned by friends I met who had lived there, but my problem was that I honestly believed I had the one man in a million who's utterly trustworthy. I guess it takes and idiot to marry an idiot.

Anyhow, the affair ended because apparently they felt guilty and didn't want to continue it when I returned from Canada. I was 6 months pregnant at that point. This woman quit her job shortly after and apparently has moved to a distant town. My husband swears she's only contacted him twice to give him basic info about how she's doing, to which he didn't respond and the last time was in the spring. He says he didn't contact her since I returned last fall. I don't know whether it would be wise to contact her to send her a letter of no contact... I don't want to remind her that she got her hooks in him when I KNOW FOR A FACT that men are just notches on belts for women like her. There is already no contact between them. I honestly don't know whether he ended it, whether she ended it, or it was mutual. I don't know the real reasons, although I'm sure he's telling at least a partial truth that guilt was a factor.

Regarding some other things readers posted in response to my initial post:

1. He has agreed to give me access to all his email accounts. I may also hire someone to check up on his internet activity for me. Credit card records are useless because we mostly only use cash in that country, and phone records don't exist per se in Colombia.

2. My husband had a std test done immediately after the affair, which turned up negative, however at my request had another one early this week with our family doctor instead of at a sleazy walk-in. Negative for hiv/aids, THANK GOODNESS!!! And so far as the results have come up, negative for all the others except chlamydia.

3. He confessed about the affair to our doctor, and requested help finding an english-speaking counsellor, which the doctor is looking into for us.

4. Unfortunately, his job entails a lot of our-of-town travel and asking him to quit his job is not something I will feel proud of doing. I asked him what he'd do if, hypothetically, I asked him to quit. He said he'd want to see if we could reach a compromise. However, he frequently asks me to join him - in the past I have always said no because I was so sick with the pregnancy and being homesick, but I will begin to do so from now on. It will be just as much to share this important aspect of his life, as to keep him on a short leash.

5. He's not dodging my questions and he's owning up to the pain and damage he's caused. I see that it hurts and embarrasses him to have to confess, he will often ask "are you sure you want to know?" but he hasn't avoided anything. I think, because we've always been each other's confidantes, that he's relieved to tell me yet he hates that telling me is causing me more pain.

6. He is very accepting and encouraging of me to talk with anyone I need to, including his family and mine and our mutual friends. But does anyone have any experience as to whether or not it's possible that this may cause more damage? My worry is that if I tell his parents, for instance, that they'll take MY SIDE and their disapproval will hinder our efforts to rebuild.

Thanks again. I need so badly to get this off my chest. I have a few people I've told in person, two of whom have experienced unfaithful husbands, but I process things better when I write them down. And I have a word to share with any unfaithful husbands (or wives or Other Women, etc.) reading this: I love my husband and still believe he's a good man. I want nothing more than to forgive him if he'll accept it. If there's one thing I'm hopeful for, it's that this can turn into a way to strengthen our marriage. Take heart because the spouse you deceived is only angry and hurt because she cares so much for you.

Get out of Columbia!!! What would happen if your husband left you and fought to keep the kids there? What job would you get to support you and the kids? I hate to say it but you may be trapped!

Also if the females there are the way you say....your daughters are growing there and can be influenced by that. Just throwing that possibilty out there.